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Thread: is it really 'their loss/someone else's gain' when someone is refused?

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    Re: is it really 'their loss/someone else's gain' when someone is refused?

    Quote Originally Posted by Trouble View Post
    ......... I have asked him, he dances with me and doesnt refuse but he never returns the favour but does to everyone else.
    Do you have another?
    Maybe he has been warned off!

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    Re: is it really 'their loss/someone else's gain' when someone is refused?

    Quote Originally Posted by Steven666 View Post
    Don't ask people who work there.
    I ask everyone for a dance, until I run out of dance time.
    At our charity competition in Musselburgh I asked all the bar staff for a dance. The bar manageress arranged for each to get time off, and one even came back for a second.

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    Re: is it really 'their loss/someone else's gain' when someone is refused?

    Should anyone have the audacity to refuse me, I have a new put down to try out.

    I shall adopt a sympathetic facial expression and say "Awww, am I too good for you?"

    Daisy

    (A Modest Little Flower)

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    Re: is it really 'their loss/someone else's gain' when someone is refused?

    I said no to a dance last night, but that was because I was getting really warm and needed to have a drink and cool off - I made sure I went and found the person for the next track and danced with her. I don't think I've ever been flat out refused - there has always been a reason for it (usually a valid one!). Our teacher always tells us that anyone can ask anyone, and the only reason you should say no is if you're bursting for the loo!

    Quote Originally Posted by Twirly
    I suspect that, being a bloke, he just doesn't notice that he hasn't asked me for ages
    This does happen but if you ask him a lot, he may be getting all the dancing with you he's after and not feel he needs to ask you for more. Play hard to get!

    One thing that bugs me is when women "hover" near a guy they want to dance with but don't actually ask him - yes I'm sure it's all chivalrous for us to do all the asking but it's 2008 for pity's sake... if Germaine Greer was dead she'd be turning in her grave! Hovering can actually put a guy off too, it can be a bit uncomfortable if we feel like we're being forced into asking for a dance when maybe we want to sit this one out or we're looking for someone in particular.

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    Re: is it really 'their loss/someone else's gain' when someone is refused?

    Quote Originally Posted by Lory View Post
    I don't even like to keep asking the same person week after week, even if they don't refuse me. I need the occasional reasurrance of them asking me back!
    Quote Originally Posted by Trouble View Post
    he dances with me and doesnt refuse but he never returns the favour
    Quote Originally Posted by Twirly View Post
    He'll dance quite happily if I ask him, and used to ask me lots. It's now getting to the point where I am not asking him to see if he notices

    ~snip~
    I suspect that, being a bloke, he just doesn't notice
    I'm sorry but I don't believe that.

    I think us girls just have to accept that some guys would rather dance with somebody else and that's why I won't keep asking.

    I hate to think they say yes, just to be polite That doesn't exactly make me feel great.

    But the reasons might be very varied and not always to do with 'us'

    I have a couple of really good male friends, who I get on with like a house on fire and always have good dances with but I know, they're often 'on a mission' looking for luurve and therefore, I genuinely never take offence, they usually let me know what they're upto anyway!
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    Re: is it really 'their loss/someone else's gain' when someone is refused?

    Quote Originally Posted by SuzyQ View Post
    Jivelad ... I have no idea who you are, but I have a PhD in Psychology and I am a Ceroc teacher and found that the most patronising load of psycho-babble I've ever read.
    You do not know Jivelad.

    He is one of the nicest dancers on the scene.

    Personally i think what you said was well over the top.

    This is of course my own humble opinion only.

    DTS Dave XXX XXX

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    Re: is it really 'their loss/someone else's gain' when someone is refused?

    Quote Originally Posted by CheesyRobMan View Post
    This does happen but if you ask him a lot, he may be getting all the dancing with you he's after and not feel he needs to ask you for more. Play hard to get!
    Exactly what I decided to do!

    Quote Originally Posted by Lory View Post
    I'm sorry but I don't believe that.

    I think us girls just have to accept that some guys would rather dance with somebody else and that's why I won't keep asking.

    I hate to think they say yes, just to be polite That doesn't exactly make me feel great.

    But the reasons might be very varied and not always to do with 'us'
    I know what you mean Lory, and with someone else I'd say you were probably right, but he's said on numerous occasions that he likes dancing with me (including relatively recently), so I don't think it's that with this particular person. I think he's just got lazy! I've been asking him, and that's quite easy for him, so he hasn't bothered to ask back. He's never turned me down, and we always (from my POV) have good dances that he appears to enjoy too. There's something else in the equation too, but I can't put that on here in case it identifies him!

    Anyway, hence the new tactics. And to be honest, if we weren't so friendly, I'd have stopped asking him ages ago anyway, as like you I get cold feet if I'm the one who always asks someone - I assume that they don't like dancing with me.

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    Re: is it really 'their loss/someone else's gain' when someone is refused?

    Quote Originally Posted by straycat264 View Post
    I am a Lindy teacher, I have no PhD, it has been at least six months since my last refusal. Oh - and I like Jivelad's take on the matter - although it is, as he says, tough to do
    I don't rank high in society. I don't possess a PhD. But I'm as happy as a man can be, because JiveLad gave me advice on being a refusee.

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    Re: is it really 'their loss/someone else's gain' when someone is refused?

    Quote Originally Posted by Lory View Post
    I have a couple of really good male friends, who I get on with like a house on fire and always have good dances with but I know, they're often 'on a mission' looking for luurve and therefore, I genuinely never take offence, they usually let me know what they're upto anyway!
    Is this the reason you tried to refuse the last dance at Ashtons last year?!

    It all makes sense now....

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    Re: is it really 'their loss/someone else's gain' when someone is refused?

    I have never knowingly refused anyone - even people I have had bad experiences with before. However, I have had refusals and generally I would never ask that person again, although the only person who refused me at Southport last summer ( I didn't ask many) - I have subsequently had a fabulous dance with (so perhaps my rule needs to be a little flexible). What I am starting to find is that at a regular venue the more people you ask the less you are likely to be asked in return. Perhaps they are bored with me as I can think of one person who asked me 6 times one night and now never asks. (Perhaps he was hoping I would improve!) Men are strange creatures .... but then so am I!

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    Re: is it really 'their loss/someone else's gain' when someone is refused?

    Quote Originally Posted by Easily Led View Post
    Perhaps they are bored with me as I can think of one person who asked me 6 times one night and now never asks. (Perhaps he was hoping I would improve!)
    Did you ever ask him back when he was asking you so much? Perhaps he though that he wouldn't be asked in return as if you didn't want to dance with him which I'm sure that wasn't the case though.

    Quote Originally Posted by Easily Led View Post
    Men are strange creatures .... but then so am I!
    I'm sure your not the only female...

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    Re: is it really 'their loss/someone else's gain' when someone is refused?

    I rarely dance with anyone more than once in a night.
    Any partner that has already been asked for a dance will probably never ask for a second and similarly, I generally won't ask for a second having already accepted their invitation.

    I do not see this causing offense to either side.

    Very recently, my partner was taken aback when I asked for a second dance, "but we have already danced" came the quick reply, but she accepted.

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    Re: is it really 'their loss/someone else's gain' when someone is refused?

    Quote Originally Posted by dep View Post
    , I generally won't ask for a second having already accepted their invitation.
    Would you rather sit out than ask someone back? Men can be really thin on the ground at the classes i go to but I have seen men sit out when I (and other female dancers) are sitting out. I won't ask twice (that does feel desperate) but would not object to being "asked back" . Perhaps they are exhausted by all the female attention?
    Last edited by ducasi; 7th-March-2008 at 04:06 PM. Reason: quote fixing (was: General incompetence.)

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    Re: is it really 'their loss/someone else's gain' when someone is refused?

    Quote Originally Posted by Easily Led View Post
    Perhaps they are exhausted by all the female attention?
    To be honest yes I think they probably are exhausted. There is a massive gender imbalance at some of our midland venues and the guys often don't get to sit out for a single dance. Somtimes I only get to chat to Matt for a few seconds each night inbetween him being whisked away!
    Last edited by ducasi; 7th-March-2008 at 04:06 PM. Reason: quote fixing

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    Re: is it really 'their loss/someone else's gain' when someone is refused?

    Quote Originally Posted by Lory View Post

    I have a couple of really good male friends, who I get on with like a house on fire and always have good dances with but I know, they're often 'on a mission' looking for luurve and therefore, I genuinely never take offence, they usually let me know what they're upto anyway!
    Yeah, some men are not interested in a lady's dance skills.

    It's her other skills they want to try out.

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    Re: is it really 'their loss/someone else's gain' when someone is refused?

    Quote Originally Posted by Astro View Post
    Yeah, some men are not interested in a lady's dance skills.

    It's her other skills they want to try out.
    Like housework?

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    Re: is it really 'their loss/someone else's gain' when someone is refused?

    Quote Originally Posted by straycat264 View Post
    Like housework?
    sexist but

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    Re: is it really 'their loss/someone else's gain' when someone is refused?

    Quote Originally Posted by dep View Post
    I generally won't ask for a second having already accepted their invitation.

    I do not see this causing offense to either side.

    Very recently, my partner was taken aback when I asked for a second dance, "but we have already danced" came the quick reply, but she accepted.
    Quote Originally Posted by Easily Led View Post
    Would you rather sit out than ask someone back?
    The only time I miss a dance is either to sit with someone who has just refused me a dance (she gets/deserves my time since I offered) or to go and change into dry clothing.

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    Re: is it really 'their loss/someone else's gain' when someone is refused?

    Quote Originally Posted by straycat264 View Post
    Like housework?
    Sure, what man doesn't enjoy/benefit from a lady's house keeping skills?

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    Re: is it really 'their loss/someone else's gain' when someone is refused?

    Quote Originally Posted by dave the scaffolder View Post
    You do not know Jivelad.

    He is one of the nicest dancers on the scene.

    Personally i think what you said was well over the top.

    This is of course my own humble opinion only.

    DTS Dave XXX XXX
    DTS,

    I think you are a great bloke and if you think Jive Lad is a great guy then I am sure he is. But, that doesn't mean that what he said wasn't really really patronising given that he was offering his advice to a complete stranger!

    All in all, it is easy for men (who are in demand because of their number rather than their dance ability) to say really dumb things to women because they have no idea what it can be like as a follow when there are just too many women around!!

    Guys try to imagine what it is like to be in our sparkly high heels for once before dishing out advice!!

    SuzyQ

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