is it really 'their loss/someone else's gain' when someone is refused?

[Reet Petite]

Crikey...am I the only person who declines on the basis of feeling inadequate and not up to giving the lead an enjoyable dance???

I declined Mario Robau three times in the States...in the end he just picked me up and plonked me on the dance floor so I had no choice

[fletch]

If someone refuses me, it can only be because they don't know how awesome I am. As soon as they see me dance with someone else they will understand that by refusing they have lost out.

Yeah that baby.

all the more for me if we are in the same venue

Crikey...am I the only person who declines on the basis of feeling inadequate and not up to giving the lead an enjoyable dance???

I declined Mario Robau three times in the States...in the end he just picked me up and plonked me on the dance floor so I had no choice

I have people decline me cos they say there not good enough I try hard to reasure them that I will give them a nice dance (if I can) i'm not into scaring my leaders, unless they can cope


so DJ you can more than cope with a bit of SFunking how about Camber

[DianaS]

Yep definately!
a guy asked me to dance at Southport. He looked a bit shy and explained he'd had but too much to drink so if I didn't want to dance I didn't have to.
I took him caS WHEN YOUR NERVOUS YOU HAVE A FEW DRINKS AND THEN YOU STILL LOOse your bottle.

OMG he was awesome, and he'd not had a drop to drink I can always feel that
The next night I saw him in the caberet with another amazing dancer. Lory told me he's on the telly. James summit.


It would so have been my loss if I'd have turned him down
He's such a nice guy. He put me at ease my saying I didn't have to dance with him and gave me an out in case I was intimidated, it went totally over my head though cas I don't watch telly

[SuzyQ]

Why not? - because your compassion is another way......here's a recipe:

1. See the refusal from your perspective
2. See the refusal from the perspective of the person who refused you
3. Play it thru as an outsider watching the event

Next - what practical lessons did you learn? What would you do/feel differently next time?

Then - with regard to your feelings about being refused: what aspects of yourself are being reflected back. Remember - the world is your mirror!

Next - release blame and forgive that person.

Tough to do - however you can apply this to any 'difficult' situation in your life....

Jivelad ... I have no idea who you are, but I have a PhD in Psychology and I am a Ceroc teacher and found that the most patronising load of psycho-babble I've ever read.

[JiveLad]

Jivelad ... I have no idea who you are, but I have a PhD in Psychology and I am a Ceroc teacher and found that the most patronising load of psycho-babble I've ever read.

I don't have a PhD in Psychology and I'm not a Ceroc teacher, and I respect your point of view.

This is me: Ceroc Mad Jive Lad

[David Bailey]

so DJ you can more than cope with a bit of SFunking how about Camber

Ah, I'm not good enough for you Fletch.

Now, where's that hat gone...

[David Bailey]

Jivelad ... I have no idea who you are, but I have a PhD in Psychology and I am a Ceroc teacher and found that the most patronising load of psycho-babble I've ever read.

Pah, I've read much worse than that, you're obviously not spending enough time reading rubbish on the internet.

Firstly, what's wrong with JiveLad's advice? It sounds reasonable to me.

Secondly, I accept that your academic qualifications may be are relevant, but what has being a Ceroc teacher got to do with experiences on the social dance floor? If anything, I'd have thought the advice of a Ceroc teacher is less relevant than that of a normal punter, as you're unlikely to have the same experiences or viewpoints as them?

Thirdly, what's your opinion on the actual topic?

[straycat]

Jivelad ... I have no idea who you are, but I have a PhD in Psychology and I am a Ceroc teacher and found that the most patronising load of psycho-babble I've ever read.

Hey - are we starting The Meeting now? I thought we were just in the initial social chitchat stages - OK - since the Chairman obviously isn't doing his / her job, I'll kick things off.

I would like to call to order the 31st meeting of Refusees Anonymous.
I'll go next:
I am a Lindy teacher, I have no PhD, it has been at least six months since my last refusal. Oh - and I like Jivelad's take on the matter - although it is, as he says, tough to do

[Steven666]

The refuser likely doesn't give a flying about not dancing with the person they refused so they wouldn't ever view it as a loss would they?

Not always true.

A teacher (who's on the larger side) once told me that they asked someone to dance. The other person looked the asker up and down and said NO! Then after seeing the refused person dance, the refuser came up to the teacher and asked for a dance.

The teacher looked the person up and down, then said NO!

I wish I saw that...

[fletch]

Ah, I'm not good enough for you Fletch.

Now, where's that hat gone...

don't worry DJ I always try a ajust my stlye to accomerdate my lead, i'm not scary really

[Steven666]

Crikey...am I the only person who declines on the basis of feeling inadequate and not up to giving the lead an enjoyable dance???

In the world of MJ, you're not alone. But people really shouldn't do this...

[fletch]

The next night I saw him in the caberet with another amazing dancer. Lory told me he's on the telly. James summit.
:

I gunna tell him this story, he will find it realy funny.


check out Jamies face book profile


James McGlocklan in one of the most down to earth people you could ever whish to meet, i'm supporting him at Blackpool check out out our 'outfits' if your there

[Steven666]

James McGlocklan in one of the most down to earth people you could ever whish to meet

He even keep appologising for my lack of following skills when I went wrong!

[dep]

worst night yet!
Five refusals, but I was persistent, three of them from the same girl.
One had changed her shoes. Heading back to Stirling, so I was gullible enough to accept that as genuine.
One was the girl on the door/computer logging us in.
Three from her mate, who kept repeating she couldn't dance.
My knees were sore by the time I realised this wasn't going to happen.

But, I'll up for the challenge next week.
Any advice?

ps,
Stirling has promised me a dance in Glasgow

Bu..er had to remove 4 smilies.

[dep]

McGlocklan

try and find him in the telephone directory!

[Steven666]

worst night yet!
Five refusals, but I was persistent, three of them from the same girl.
One had changed her shoes. Heading back to Stirling, so I was gullible enough to accept that as genuine.
One was the girl on the door/computer logging us in.
Three from her mate, who kept repeating she couldn't dance.
My knees were sore by the time I realised this wasn't going to happen.

But, I'll up for the challenge next week.
Any advice?

ps,
Stirling has promised me a dance in Glasgow

Bu..er had to remove 4 smilies.

Don't ask people who work there.

Give more encourage to people who say they can't dance. They are quite often one of the better dancers in the room. They just lack self confidence,

Don't ask the same person twice in the same night if already refused once. Wait for them to ask you. Then you will see if it was a refusal or a prosponant.

[Trouble]

Refusals dont really bother me as they are generally few and far between and never rude. i have not had a rude one for years.

But what i do still find bugs me is seeing people i know that know me who spend the evening asking for dances and do not ask me. Now there is one person in particular who does this to me time and time again. I have asked him, he dances with me and doesnt refuse but he never returns the favour but does to everyone else. At Chesham we had an extremely quiet blues room and watched him asking all women in that room but not once did he approach me. It was almost ridiculous in its obviousness as at one point, there was only me free out of the 4 couples in there and he sat down.

Now, i find that upsetting. Not sure why but i do.

I do find myself questioning my abilities or my personality well everything really and i think to myself, he knows i would like to dance with him.

After Chesham tho... he has not been put on my FO list. I wont speak to him or seek him out for a dance anymore. Its not worth the stress of my worrying.

[Steven666]

I do find myself questioning my abilities or my personality well everything really and i think to myself, he knows i would like to dance with him.

It might be a compatablity issue? But it's still annoying when that happens. Especially when a person who used to ask you all the time, doesn't anymore and you have to ask them.

[Twirly]

Now, i find that upsetting. Not sure why but i do.

I do find myself questioning my abilities or my personality well everything really and i think to myself, he knows i would like to dance with him.

I know exactly what you mean.

There is someone at my local venue who always greets me warmly, will chat quite happily, but seems to have stopped asking me to dance. He'll dance quite happily if I ask him, and used to ask me lots. It's now getting to the point where (when I am there - haven't been for ages ) I am not asking him to see if he notices that we never dance anymore. I suspect that, being a bloke, he just doesn't notice that he hasn't asked me for ages

When I get back there, if this continues, I think I might ask him. I suspect that he'll be surprised at the question.

You could ask this guy why he never asks you of course, but that is putting him on the spot and yourself in an awkward position too. Guess the option of not asking him for the moment is probably a good one. But don't let it get you down, you know you're better than that

[Terpsichorea]

As someone who has been turned down very rudely in the past, I can say that yes, of course it's a dent to your ego when someone refuses to dance with you. Of course, it's their privilege not to do so, but it depends on the manner in which it's expressed. If there's a reason for refusing which any reasonable person would regard as valid - 'I hate this song/I'm knackered/I'm just leaving' - then that's fair enough.

I think refusal can sometimes hinge on the fact that you're an unknown quantity - some very experienced dancers seem unwilling or dubious about taking a 'risk' by dancing with someone they haven't seen before. Again, it's a judgement call by them, the worth of which I'm sure could be debated.

I seem to go through phases of dancing with particular people at my local venues - if I don't ask a follower for a week or two, it's not because I'm dismissing them as a dancer, it just seems to work out that way.