In iTunes, when the iPod is connected, you should be able to click on the iPod on the left-hand list, and get a page of options you can a "Summary" page for the iPod where you can set various options.
One of them will be manually manage iPod, another option (on the "Music" tab) is to sync only certain playlists.
If you're having further problems with the iPod (like no "safe to disconnect") you could also try the "Restore" button to reset the iPod back to as it was when it was new.
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