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Thread: A humble announcement

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    A humble announcement

    I have chosen these humble portals in which to announce my amazing and world-shattering discovery of a fifth fundamental force!! That's right, a fifth one.

    Most if not all of you will know that science recognises four fundamental forces: gravity, electromagnetic force, the strong nuclear force and the weak nuclear force. Part of modern physics is the endeavour to rationalise these four forces, which are thought to be aspects of a single phenomenon.

    Well, after exhaustive research, following what must have been several minutes of radical application of the thought processes, I have discovered another force, equally fundamental but - what is more important - far more mysterious.

    The name of this force?

    I call it 'the contact lens force'.

    The force seems to manifest itself especially vigorously during the process of inserting or removing contact lenses - hence its name.

    Here are the observations that led me to this discovery.

    The contact lens sits, overnight, in the container within which cleaning fluid cleans the lenses and an acid/alkali reaction creates cavitation bubbling to dislodge particles from the lenses. In the morning, the wearer opens the container and takes out the two-lens storage device.

    Here is the first observation. The lenses show a decided and vigorous preference for the cage in which they sit. Place your finger on the lens and it sticks to its cage. Place your finger under the lens and it slides off, and sticks to its cage. (All this, of course, takes fractions of a second.) Eventually, however, the lens can be persuaded to slide onto your finger.

    It then transfers its affections to the finger, and the lens attaches itself to the fingertip. Now, you cannot then apply the lens to the eye, because it will probably be inside out. It is, therefore, necessary to transfer it elsewhere, and then turn it around, so that you can then transfer it so that it sits on top of the fingertip, ready for transfer to the eyeball.

    And here is where the unusual nature of the contact lens force comes into play. The lens displays a negative affinity to the finger, as before, but this time it clings - in my case, to the back of my left hand, near the thumb, which I use as a platform to 'flip' the lens over. The result is that the lens becomes almost impossible to manoeuvre, sliding along the left hand ahead of the index finger, twisting out of the way, sliding around and under the right index finger, even on occasions doing a full somersault to land back on the left hand, the same way up as before.

    So we come to my first verifiable deduction about the contact lens force. It is a weak force - like gravity, for example. This deduction follows from the fact that the exertion of brute force relatively swiftly enables the index finger to overbear the lens until at last it sits on the tip of the finger.

    Now the contact lens force displays a perverse difference with other forces. Previously, the lens displays a disinclination to move. Now, once on the index finger, and during the rather precarious journey from the back of the left hand to the eye, the lens seeks to part company with the substrate on which it is mounted. This results in it jumping clear off the finger, on many occasions, and springing off onto the bathroom floor.

    (There are, of course, many areas where further investigation into the contact lens force will almost certainly pay dividends. It occurs to me that the behaviour of the lens may be explained by a very strong affinity for bathroom floors, especially the bits behind the sink and lavatory pedestals, where cobwebs and shed hair collect. I have marked this hypothesis for detailed research - putting the lenses on in the living room, for example.)

    Occasionally it is possible - with no little anticipation and a great deal of familiarity with the contact lens force - to catch the lens, with the left hand, as it leaps from the fingertip and before it locates the bathroom floor. Then the process begins again since in this situation - and without exception - the lens is once again in a situation where it has to be moved around on the left hand in order to be transferred onto the index finger for insertion.

    When, eventually, the lens is placed on the eyeball, the final manifestation of the force is observed. Of course, the lens seeks to put as much distance between it and the index finger as possible. Occasionally, the lens even shoots across the surface of the eye and squeezes between the eyeball and the socket. This induces instant agony in the part of the wearer, who can probably be observed doubled up in pain, crouched on the floor and shouting 'Feck! Ow, ow, oh feckin' heck!'

    Naturally, and since the contact lens force is here being described and explained for the first time, the lens wearer begins trying to pull the lens out from where it is - with the right index finger! Of course this is the least effective solution, and eventually we have to rely on the contact lens force to move the lens back across the eyeball and sit on the iris and pupil.

    At the end of the day, the situation is reversed. However, I suspect that the contact lens force waxes and wanes during the course of the day because this process - of removing the lens from the eye and putting it into the cage to be cleaned overnight - is usually completed a great deal more easily than the morning ordeal.

    So there we go. The contact lens force. (Naturally, I do not expect the Nobel prize but I do not see how the committee can ignore me...)

    My next project will be to investigate further how the contact lens force interacts with the eye. At this time it is unclear why the lens reacts in the same way with the eyeball as it does with the back of the left hand, both of which, as set out above, considerably different from its antipathy to the index finger.

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    Registered User Twirly's Avatar
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    Re: A humble announcment

    Barry, for once I know exactly what you mean.

    And to save one area of research for you, I can confirm that the force has an equal attraction to bedroom floors, dressing tables, make-up drawers and all other dust and fluff encrusted surfaces.

    However one aspect that you have omitted is the increased effect of the contact lens force when you're not in arms reach of your glasses when one has ejected itself from your digit... i.e. it's much more likely to happen if you can't see your glasses (which in my case is pretty much anywhere, but particularly likely when I've left said glasses in the bathroom).

    And thinking of it, you've also overlooked the ability of this force to make the lens appear to be the right way out, but somehow to reverse it's concave nature on it's way into your eye... also resulting in the behaviour and language described above when the lens lodges between eyeball and socket. In addition, your newly discovered force then causes the reversed lens to stick to the lens as if it's been attached with super glue...

    I urge you on to further research to discover how this force can be harnessed for the benefit of all mankind...

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    Re: A humble announcment

    You also forgot to mention how the contact lens force leaps into action whilst performing the daily ritual of cleaning your lens. I like to douse mine in lens solution before inserting into my eye. Hpefully this last oct of washing will clear of all above said dust collecting. Just as you think you got it cleaned, it rather annoyingly closes in on itself, apparently preventing further soaking... The whole process of changing from one index finger to another starts all over again.

    I have noticed that when you are in a hurry, this happens more and also when you have applied make up, and you decide last minute to wear your lenses, the little buggers decide to wee down your face.....

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    Re: A humble announcment

    Two very interesting posts, demonstrating the scientific method in action!!

    Thank you Twirly. Your evidential input on the effect of the contact lens force in other rooms is helpful, since further research in that area can be postponed after more urgent areas have been investigated.

    I'm very interested in your theory that the proximity of spectacles has a 'suppressing' effect on the contact lens force . That is definitely a fruitful field for further investigation. Might I propose that you arrange for the glasses to be at different measured distances from where you are attempting to insert your lenses, and let us know whether the 'suppressive effect' is indeed correlated with distance.

    Now Jeanag - your observation about the effect of the contact lens force on the lens itself is possibly an important breakthrough. This leads to interest possibilities in the way that the contact lens force propagates at the sub-atomic level through the lens. I shall give this some further consideration...

    And, I suppose, I might as well ensure that I am able to profit from my discovery and so therefore I assert a proprietary right over the contact lens force ©. It may seem cheap and moneygrabbing but I'm confident that if he had made his discoveries in 2005 instead of 1905, Albert Einstein would have copyrighted relativity as well. (I mean, he worked in the patent office, so nothing easier, right?)

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    Re: A humble announcment

    Quote Originally Posted by Barry Shnikov View Post
    So there we go. The contact lens force.
    Making a spectacle out of yourself again?


    I'll get me coat

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    Re: A humble announcement

    No, I'll get your coat.

    It's typical of the mocking attitude we breakthrough scientists expect from an innumerate world...

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    Re: A humble announcement

    Quote Originally Posted by Barry Shnikov View Post
    No, I'll get your coat.

    It's typical of the mocking attitude we breakthrough scientists expect from an innumerate world...
    Huh, at least we can spell "announcement".

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    Re: A humble announcement

    Quote Originally Posted by DavidJames View Post
    Huh, at least we can spell "announcement".
    Sadly, you are confusing spelling mistakes with typographical errors. I can spell the word too.

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    Re: A humble announcement

    Quote Originally Posted by Barry Shnikov View Post
    I have chosen these humble portals in which to announce my amazing and world-shattering discovery of a fifth fundamental force!! That's right, a fifth one.

    blah blah
    Barry, you are, in fact, the legendary de Selby, and I claim my five pounds.

    Or one of the bottles of whiskey

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    Re: A humble announcment

    Quote Originally Posted by jeanag View Post
    I have noticed that when you are in a hurry, this happens more and also when you have applied make up, and you decide last minute to wear your lenses, the little buggers decide to wee down your face.....
    Ok not the make-up bit, but if I'm running late and in a real hurry, that's the morning when I get dust on the lenses/they don't clean properly/don't go in straight and it takes me ages to move them around my eye.

    However there is something your theory doesn't explain - if contact lenses are so awkward, how do I manage to always take them out, even when really really drunk? I've only woken up twice in the middle of the night with contact lenses still in my eyes, even though I've been wearing them virtually every day for the last 19 years. I've been so drunk that I don't remember getting home, but when I wake up feeling rough the following morning, my contact lenses have magically appeared in my contact lens case somewhere vaguely close to my bed. Barry - can you explain how your theory fits with this please?

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    Re: A humble announcment

    lens fairies - helpers of the drunk and disorderly

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    Lovely Moderator ducasi's Avatar
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    Re: A humble announcment

    Can I suggest to everyone that they consider daily lenses? They're so much less hassle.
    Let your mind go and your body will follow. – Steve Martin, LA Story

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    Re: A humble announcement

    Back in the days when I wore hard contact lenses, I once dropped one when removing it, over the toilet sink in the students' union bar. It fell under the sink. I crouched down, to find that not long previously, some drunken student had smashed a beer glass. So there I was, slightly drunk, looking for one regular piece of glass in amongst 3000 other bits.

    Whenever I watch the opening sequence from Temple of Doom, I feel Indiana Jones pain

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    Re: A humble announcment

    I really shoud wear lenses, I only wear glasses for computing and struggle to recognise people when Im out

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    Re: A humble announcment

    Quote Originally Posted by SteveK View Post
    However there is something your theory doesn't explain - if contact lenses are so awkward, how do I manage to always take them out, even when really really drunk? I've only woken up twice in the middle of the night with contact lenses still in my eyes, even though I've been wearing them virtually every day for the last 19 years. I've been so drunk that I don't remember getting home, but when I wake up feeling rough the following morning, my contact lenses have magically appeared in my contact lens case somewhere vaguely close to my bed. Barry - can you explain how your theory fits with this please?
    Well, in keeping with the best of modern scientists - McKeith, Behe, Dembski et al - I scoff at peer reviewed publication, which is long winded and pompous and causes unnecessary delays. I have determined to go straight to the media with my discovery, so that the benighted general public may the sooner benefit from my monumental insights.

    Consequently - er - the pressure to move with some speed has meant that I am still (with my lab team, obviously) working on some of the fine aspects of the theory.

    You will see, however, if you re-read the announcement carefully, that I cautiously expressed the possibility that the the contact lens force © waxes and wanes. (I am open to the possibility that the contact lens force © is associated with solar proximity, that is, there is some amelioration of the the contact lens force © due to the bulk of the earth between the lens and the sun.) In any event, I had already noted the lessening of the effect towards the end of the day.

    However, your post raises the interesting possiblity of some connection between alcohol and the contact lens force ©. I would be interested - should you care to do further research - in your additional conclusions.

    You may wish to PM me in respect of the possibility that we could apply for funding for your experiment - how much alcohol do you think you would get through?

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    Re: A humble announcment

    Quote Originally Posted by ducasi View Post
    Can I suggest to everyone that they consider daily lenses? They're so much less hassle.
    Smarty pants i would but my astigaism (can't spell it *before* you all start...) is so bad I was told dailies wouldn't work for me.

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    Re: A humble announcment

    I also wish to express within the alcohol related lens theory. Does the lens play tricks on your mind? I have many a time gone to remove the lens only to find that the pesky little thing is either in its case or dried up on my bedside table.

    And I find that they are not as relaible as normal glasses when it comes to beer goggles. They are subject to moving within your eye socket to present a 'hazy' fog which in turn clouds your judgement on the male specimen you are drunkenly 'subtley' eyeing up. Does this happen to anyone else, or is it just my bad taste?

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    Re: A humble announcment

    Quote Originally Posted by jeanag View Post
    Smarty pants i would but my astigaism (can't spell it *before* you all start...) is so bad I was told dailies wouldn't work for me.
    When were you told that? I think there are now daily lenses suitable for astigmatism sufferers.

    Edit: yup, there are.
    Let your mind go and your body will follow. – Steve Martin, LA Story

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    Re: A humble announcment

    Quote Originally Posted by ducasi View Post
    When were you told that? I think there are now daily lenses suitable for astigmatism sufferers.

    Edit: yup, there are.
    Ah thanks! I was told earlier on this year at my eye exam. Something to do with lens prescription + astigmatism = no suitable lenses... I will be asking again soon though, have a back log of my fortnightlies as have ben wearing my glasses more through sheer laziness

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    Re: A humble announcment

    Quote Originally Posted by Twirly View Post
    I urge you on to further research to discover how this force can be harnessed for the benefit of all mankind...
    I'd help honey but I'm busy trying to solve the worlds energy problems with this slice of buttered toast and this cat.. .. ..


    Quote Originally Posted by ducasi View Post
    When were you told that? I think there are now daily lenses suitable for astigmatism sufferers.

    Edit: yup, there are.
    :double take:

    there are? To Specsavers !! and don't spare the horses !!

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