Agony Smurf

[Dreadful Scathe]

Hello Patients,

Having noticed how laden with woes, troubles, glitches, mental problems, and behavioural difficulties you all are, I thought I would offer my services as a ridicular of the afflicted and ask you all to post any particularly troublesome or JerrySpringerly interesting problems you may have. I'll do my best to solve your problem with the help of optimistic humour.

So post away, Doctor Dreadful Scathe is IN.......

[Andy McGregor]

Doctor Scathe

I keep getting anonymous negative rep from the same person. He doesn't like me but won't say who he is. What should I do?

Confused of Brighton

[Dreadful Scathe]

Dr Mr McGregor

Not to worry, this is obviously a sign of deep seated psycholgical problems on his part . The "rep" system, sensibly used, allows users to quickly let posters know if a comment they made is good for a thread from the readers point of view. With nothing but negative rep it is being suggested that nothing you say is worthy of any thread - therefore the originator may have trouble understanding the big words you sometimes use and your use of proper grammar may well be throwing them. Try typing in pigeon english to see if that illicits a more positive response, or keep your sentances short and concise and use the vocabulary that a 5 year old would use.
The only problem with this is getting the gist of your point across, but if you ever find out who the person is, writing your comments on the end of the index finger of a large rubber hand, like Kenny Everett used to have, and poking them in the eye with it will perhaps be a more "hands on" way to approach the situation if you are ever at the same dance venue.

yours

Dr. Scathe

[Stuart M]

So post away, Doctor Dreadful Scathe is IN.......

Shouldn't it be Wendy doing this? I always had you marked down as Snoopy...

[Pammy]

Dear Aggy

Could you help me with one of my dance dreams. You see I have lots of dance dreams; my favourite being one where I realised I was dancing at hipsters in my winter socks Anyway, I had on last night, as follows....

I was riding a motorbike through a really rough street. I got off the bike and parked it on the pavement and then saw Billco. I went over to talk to him and a whilst talking, a commotion began on the pavement behind me, it was a man coughing up blood. Billco said he wasn't sure if it was blood or mud, but it looked like blood to me. Actually it was more like a lump of steak anyway, as sods law would have it, the man moved up and was leaning on my bike, bent double, coughing and spluttering. Neither of us fancied retrieving the bike, but my purse and house keys were on it. We decided to go for a walk round the block in the hope that he'd be gone on our return. At this point Billco's daughter rang him and asked if he was going home. I went back to my bike but it turned out the whole thing had been a set-up and the coughing man had actually stolen my credit card. I wasn't sure and nor was Billco whether or not we should have the credit card cancelled or should try and find the coughing cad. Then I woke up.

So Aggy, what does this mean?

Yours, in appreciation.

The Pamster
x

[DavidY]

Dear Dr. Scathe,

I was innocently browing the forum the other day when it was overrun with hordes of spiders. It took me ages to escape the sticky web stuff they left behind.

I'm scared they were rifling through the forum's files to look for all those times The Mavericks get mentioned, so anyone searching for The Mavericks will end up here.

Please Help!

[Dreadful Scathe]

Shouldn't it be Wendy doing this? I always had you marked down as Snoopy...

i can only take that as a compliment as snoopy was my hero. If only Chicklet was here shed say " IIIII IIII IIIIIII IIIIII". You're right of course if anyone was to honestly tell you what your problems were and sort em out, Wendy would be prime candidate Hope BFG has award for most apt avatar

[DianaS]

Hi Agony Smurf,

I'm so upset I've been crying all day and can't think what to do.
I went out with my friend last night to this place in London and we danced all night and had a lovely time and now their not here any more and its very quiet and no one loves us

and there's no more bb, and we've spent all our money, and we'll have to go back to work now, and it's not FAIR

What shall we do?

My friend can't help, because she's not my friend any more because I took her out and showed her a really good time and now she's depressed too!

Is there life when the music ends, or is life a rainbow with no beginning or and end??
You must help us!!

Desperately sad
Diana

[Dreadful Scathe]

Could you help me with one of my dance dreams. You see I have lots of dance dreams; my favourite being one where I realised I was dancing at hipsters in my winter socks Anyway, I had on last night, as follows....

I was riding a motorbike through a really rough street. I got off the bike and parked it on the pavement and then saw Billco. I went over to talk to him and a whilst talking, a commotion began on the pavement behind me, it was a man coughing up blood. Billco said he wasn't sure if it was blood or mud, but it looked like blood to me. Actually it was more like a lump of steak anyway, as sods law would have it, the man moved up and was leaning on my bike, bent double, coughing and spluttering. Neither of us fancied retrieving the bike, but my purse and house keys were on it. We decided to go for a walk round the block in the hope that he'd be gone on our return. At this point Billco's daughter rang him and asked if he was going home. I went back to my bike but it turned out the whole thing had been a set-up and the coughing man had actually stolen my credit card. I wasn't sure and nor was Billco whether or not we should have the credit card cancelled or should try and find the coughing cad. Then I woke up.

So Aggy, what does this mean?

If we were to take the incomprehensible step of assuming BillCo is your father and the strange man coughing up blood is your fear, then we can clearly see that , although you are prepared to stick with family and take their daft advice like most of the muppets i get through here, its not always the best move. Face your fear of society, it IS out to get you but not anymore than anyone else who lives in London. There may well be 7 cads eating 7 sheafs of corn next to the river thames in your dreams but for goodness sake cancel your credit cards. Also, practice yoga to improve your body and the mind will follow (or practice yoda for a more forceful improvement).

Yours, in appreciation.

The Pamster
x

It would be unethical of me to accept your kiss.
Oh go on then.

Dr.Lurve x x

[Dreadful Scathe]

I was innocently browing the forum the other day when it was overrun with hordes of spiders. It took me ages to escape the sticky web stuff they left behind.

I'm scared they were rifling through the forum's files to look for all those times The Mavericks get mentioned, so anyone searching for The Mavericks will end up here.
!

Not a well known fact, but the forum is the focal point of the Mavericks sinister attack on society, its their entry point into our plane of existense. Its not all gloom though, we have on this very forum a "chosen one" who will bring the fight to them and prevent their evil from spreading. Not entirely sure who it is, but hes likely to have a high number of posts.

regards

Dr. and the Medics

[Dreadful Scathe]

Hi Agony Smurf,

I'm so upset I've been crying all day and can't think what to do.
I went out with my friend last night to this place in London and we danced all night and had a lovely time and now their not here any more and its very quiet and no one loves us

and there's no more bb, and we've spent all our money, and we'll have to go back to work now, and it's not FAIR

What shall we do?

My friend can't help, because she's not my friend any more because I took her out and showed her a really good time and now she's depressed too!

Is there life when the music ends, or is life a rainbow with no beginning or and end??
You must help us!!

Desperately sad
Diana

HI Diana,

No need to be upset, theres always one more event round the corner and one more wooly partner waiting in the wings. To fill the time between events consider hibernation or some sort of mind altering drug.

Hope this helps.

Dr. Who

[DianaS]

HI Diana,

No need to be upset, theres always one more event round the corner and one more wooly partner waiting in the wings. To fill the time between events consider hibernation or some sort of mind altering drug.

Hope this helps.

Dr. Who

I love you, Dr Who

[Dance Demon]

Dear Agony Smurf
I was walking about in the house in my bare feet, and stubbed my little toe against a heavy coffee table...... .........and it's bloody AGONY ....what can I do.....

[Emma]

Dear Doctor Dreadful,

I think I may be suffering from post-forumatic stress disorder... I keep thinking that I am communicating with a 7inch blue person who says he can sort out all my problems, a pink bunny who likes dressing in women's clothing, a toaster, a little bird and a tiger bouncing on it's tail. I could go on but I don't want to be locked away....the worst thing is that sometimes they tell me to do things and it makes sense! what am I going to do?!

[Minnie M]

Dear Doctor Dreadful,

I think I may be suffering from post-forumatic stress disorder... I keep thinking that I am communicating with a 7inch blue person who says he can sort out all my problems, a pink bunny who likes dressing in women's clothing, a toaster, a little bird and a tiger bouncing on it's tail. I could go on but I don't want to be locked away....the worst thing is that sometimes they tell me to do things and it makes sense! what am I going to do?!

You think YOU have problems I keep swiping my partner with my tail when dancing PLEASE HELP

[Dreadful Scathe]

Dear Agony Smurf
I was walking about in the house in my bare feet, and stubbed my little toe against a heavy coffee table...... .........and it's bloody AGONY ....what can I do.....

First see if the toe injury has improved your dancing, if not, encase your coffee table in polystyrene so that it does not happen again., or possibly take some sort of a mind-altering drug to reduce the pain effect.


Dr. Drugs

[Dance Demon]

Hey there your Blueness
got my hands on some well wicked mind altering drugs, and they seem to have done the trick. my toe isn't sore at all now and I've been dancing all day with some groovy pink giraffes, and purple and yellow striped zebras in this way out new venue called Smurfy's Shower.......and like, all the coffee tables are made of blancmange, or strawberry jelly man, so you can kick them to your hearts content... it's just the best place ever.....oops gotta go now, a naked Halle Berry wearing edible bodypaint has just asked me for a dance.......would be rude to refuse....

[Dreadful Scathe]

I think I may be suffering from post-forumatic stress disorder... I keep thinking that I am communicating with a 7inch blue person who says he can sort out all my problems, a pink bunny who likes dressing in women's clothing, a toaster, a little bird and a tiger bouncing on it's tail. I could go on but I don't want to be locked away....the worst thing is that sometimes they tell me to do things and it makes sense! what am I going to do?!

Well Alice, this is all perfectly normal and you will at some point have to accept reality. Heres a bottle handily marked 'Drink Me' it will gave you a proper sense of perspective. Theres little point in worrying over spilt milk*.

Yours Dr.Lewis



* unless there is a 40 ton kitten on the loose....

[Andy McGregor]

My 12 year-old daughter, Anna, is a big Busted fan. A few days ago she went onto ebay using my account and bid for a keyring bearing a picture of James, a band member.

The problem is that she placed a maximum bid of £99.00 !!!

For a man of 46 there can only be one thing worse than owning a James from Busted keyring and that has to be knowing you paid £99 for it

Busted fans can view my purchase here

Luckily it only cost me £3.70 :phew:

[Minnie M]

......../snip/........* unless there is a 40 ton kitten on the loose....

Now you are scaring me

Minnie Mouse