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Thread: Encouraging confidence

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    Registered User Twirly's Avatar
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    Encouraging confidence

    Somewhere, a while back, someone commented on some feedback they’d received after a dance – “well done” I believe they were told. And took offence as they felt they were being patronised. (Sorry, can’t find the thread – if anyone knows it and can link it, please do.)

    Much to my embarrassment, I found myself doing something similar last night to a leader of about three months. He really was doing very well, for three months, and I wanted to encourage him. Whilst I think he realised that, I worried afterwards that I’d inadvertently sounded patronising. I wanted to say something more than “lovely dance” as he’d said as we went into freestyle at the end of beginners “er, you’re not a beginner are you?” – I smiled and said no, but that he wasn’t either. He promptly lost the plot for a few seconds and couldn’t think what to do other than arm jive, poor chap. He recovered, and we had another lovely dance later too, and a chat.

    So how do we give praise/encourage people (particularly if they seem a bit uncertain/intimidated) and build up their confidence without sounding patronising?

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    Registered User Beowulf's Avatar
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    Re: Encouraging confidence

    Finish the dance with a big smile and a sparkle in my eye and say "Thanks ! that was great!"

    or if they did really well add a "Wow!" to that !

    someone said that to me once when I first started.. I don't know if they really meant it or not, but I would have given up in week 4 probably otherwise !! (as it happens I gave up a couple of months later.. but that's a moot point! )

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    Registered User Lynn's Avatar
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    Re: Encouraging confidence

    I don't give 'false compliments' so I either will look for something positive in their dancing, or if its a regular partner and they've led a new move especially well (or hit a break) I'll maybe say something like 'oh, nice!' with a smile.

    I feel that is needed as I notice that beginners and even intermediates can lack confidence, esp leads.

    Give someone a confidence boost with a few words, and you can do more for their dancing than a week or more of classes.

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    Re: Encouraging confidence

    Just a case of telling them that you enjoyed the dance "that was great" norm works and if it was, then ask them for another later.

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    Registered User Lynn's Avatar
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    Re: Encouraging confidence

    Quote Originally Posted by woodface View Post
    Just a case of telling them that you enjoyed the dance "that was great" norm works and if it was, then ask them for another later.
    :shrug: Some people just automatically say that after a dance anyway. When I think back to the comments that built my confidence, they were all specific to a dance, or part of a dance, something I did with the music, how I followed a certain move etc.

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    Registered User Jhutch's Avatar
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    Re: Encouraging confidence

    I find it difficult to tell when people are being genuine or not. I am also not very good at encouraging people and have a tendency to put my foot in it wherever possible. Therefore, i don't really take that much notice of what people say and will only give feedback myself after i have been asked and given it some thought. This doesnt mean that i would ever just walk off after any dance - if it is someone who is relatively new or low on confidence then i will normally be pleased to see that they are still coming as i am not someone who has a lot of confidence myself (most of the time).

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    Registered User Twirly's Avatar
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    Re: Encouraging confidence

    Quote Originally Posted by woodface View Post
    Just a case of telling them that you enjoyed the dance "that was great" norm works and if it was, then ask them for another later.
    Maybe for you - but you seem confident. And since saying you enjoyed the dance is the norm, as JHutch says, it doesn't really add very much.

    Besides, this was as part of a conversation. So "that was great" wasn't really sufficient - I wanted to be more encouraging than that. This lead has great potential - he's already fun to dance with, just needs a bit more confidence. And I'm looking to handle such a situation better in the future too.

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    Re: Encouraging confidence

    Quote Originally Posted by Twirly View Post
    Maybe for you - but you seem confident. And since saying you enjoyed the dance is the norm, as JHutch says, it doesn't really add very much.

    Besides, this was as part of a conversation. So "that was great" wasn't really sufficient - I wanted to be more encouraging than that. This lead has great potential - he's already fun to dance with, just needs a bit more confidence. And I'm looking to handle such a situation better in the future too.
    It's the bit about asking for another dance which will build confidance. I always take actions to mean more than words. Anyone can say anything but not everyone can do everything.

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    Registered User Beowulf's Avatar
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    Re: Encouraging confidence

    Being me (and who else would I be) I have a natural distrust of compliments. I lack the self confidence to truly believe them and since I don't believe them I doubt their sincerity.

    When someone says to me "You're really good!" or "That was lovely!" I tend to think "Yeah yeah.. so YOU say" but speaking (and dancing) as one for whom compliments are never well. I do think the more overstated the less sincere it is. If someone said to me "thanks that was great! I really enjoyed that" I'd take it better than if someone said to me "That was utterly fantastic! you're the best dancer here, take me home and have my babies!" (not that anyone has ever said that to me.. more's the pity ) I'd take it less seriously.

    Sincerity is the key here, if you had a poor dance saying "That was great" is wrong on two counts. 1. You don't really mean it and 2. The lead/follower may think "ok I'll keep doing what I did there then!" however, hitting a break well warrants an "excellent!" or "nicely done!" comment and a post dance comment of "That was great I really enjoyed that!" doesn't go far wrong.

    of course, as usual I must add my normal get-out-clause.
    "This is all IMHO of course"

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    Re: Encouraging confidence

    Quote Originally Posted by Beowulf1970 View Post
    Being me (and who else would I be) I have a natural distrust of compliments. I lack the self confidence to truly believe them and since I don't believe them I doubt their sincerity.
    Forgot to mention how I am a great admirer of your sense of humour, the lovely good-natured attitude and the general common-sense that you bring to the forum.

    Bet you're very good-looking too.

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    Registered User Beowulf's Avatar
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    Re: Encouraging confidence

    Quote Originally Posted by straycat264 View Post
    Forgot to mention how I am a great admirer of your sense of humour, the lovely good-natured attitude and the general common-sense that you bring to the forum.

    Bet you're very good-looking too.
    I don't believe you.. it's all lies




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    Re: Encouraging confidence

    The only time I believe someone has enjoyed dancing with me, is if they ask for another, straight away.

    I don't think anyone would put themselves through something they didn't enjoy twice.

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    Registered User Trousers's Avatar
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    Re: Encouraging confidence

    Quote Originally Posted by Twirly View Post
    Somewhere, a while back, someone commented on some feedback they’d received after a dance – “well done” I believe they were told.
    That may have been Me!
    Grrrrrr

    I'm not a leader of 3 months.
    Oh but how I laugh about that now; NOT!

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    Registered User Twirly's Avatar
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    Re: Encouraging confidence

    Quote Originally Posted by straycat264 View Post
    Bet you're very good-looking too.
    Of course he is

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    Re: Encouraging confidence

    Quote Originally Posted by Double Trouble View Post
    The only time I believe someone has enjoyed dancing with me, is if they ask for another, straight away.

    I don't think anyone would put themselves through something they didn't enjoy twice.
    I am not really one for doing this but it doesn't mean that i haven't enjoyed dancing with someone - i just wouldn't want to put someone through two dances with me

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    Registered User Twirly's Avatar
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    Re: Encouraging confidence

    Quote Originally Posted by Jhutch View Post
    I am not really one for doing this but it doesn't mean that i haven't enjoyed dancing with someone - i just wouldn't want to put someone through two dances with me
    Why not? You're very nice to dance with. Get some confidence!

    I think I'm going to lock you and Beo in a room and give you both a good talking to about dance ability and confidence - you're as bad as each other!

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    Registered User Twirly's Avatar
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    Re: Encouraging confidence

    Quote Originally Posted by Double Trouble View Post
    The only time I believe someone has enjoyed dancing with me, is if they ask for another, straight away.

    I don't think anyone would put themselves through something they didn't enjoy twice.
    Yes - I like this too. And am beginning to try and do this myself. It just doesn't occur to me that often to do.

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    Registered User Trousers's Avatar
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    Re: Encouraging confidence

    Quote Originally Posted by Double Trouble View Post
    The only time I believe someone has enjoyed dancing with me, is if they ask for another, straight away.

    I don't think anyone would put themselves through something they didn't enjoy twice.
    Why did all those smokers have a second fag then? HUH HUH?

    Straight away dances could be disbelief also. . .
    as in "I can't believe that dance was so rubbish lets have another. . . "

    Now if the guy keeps coming back every 5 tracks or so you've either pulled or he is really enjoying the dances.





    If I think about it I grade responses - (admitting this could be dangerous but hell)

    Sh1t to poor dance - "Thank you"
    Average dance - "Thank you" with the enigmatic yet elusive Trousers' smile.
    Good dance - "Thank you I enjoyed that" with lots of eye contact trying to remember the womans face and probably a big smile.
    Great Dance - long pause at end of dance "That was great, Thank You!" Serious look and possibly a squeeze of hand to indicate sincerity.
    Any dance with a really Hot Woman - "wibble, erm yeah erm cool wibble wibble, oh yes sorry I'll let go now!"

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    Re: Encouraging confidence

    Quote Originally Posted by Trousers View Post
    If I think about it I grade responses - (admitting this could be dangerous but hell)

    Sh1t to poor dance - "Thank you"
    Average dance - "Thank you" with the enigmatic yet elusive Trousers' smile.
    Good dance - "Thank you I enjoyed that" with lots of eye contact trying to remember the womans face and probably a big smile.
    Great Dance - long pause at end of dance "That was great, Thank You!" Serious look and possibly a squeeze of hand to indicate sincerity.
    Any dance with a really Hot Woman - "wibble, erm yeah erm cool wibble wibble, oh yes sorry I'll let go now!"
    I'll take from this then that you don't like dancing with me, as I'm always asking you for eye contact and a smile....which you never ever give either of to me.

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    Registered User Beowulf's Avatar
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    Re: Encouraging confidence

    Quote Originally Posted by Twirly View Post
    I think I'm going to lock you and Beo in a room and give you both a good talking to about dance ability and confidence - you're as bad as each other!
    Actually I think you'll find we're each worse than the other one...

    Pete Little... Nobel Prize for Physics Winner 2008 for harnessing the power of the negative confidence accelerator. Sadly he can't be here to collect his prize tonight.. he says he doesn't deserve it.

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