Being told to relax

[JiveLad]

Not sure if there is a thread on this already, but......here goes:

Recently, a woman dancer (beginner, 6 weeks or so) told me that thing she hates most is being told by guys to "relax".

In this instance, it wasn't me, however, I have done this myself, at least 3 times (to beginners). Once at a Stevenage freestyle, with someone who told me she was a new beginner - and it transformed the dance as she let her arms relax.

Now, I feel a bit more reticent to say anything like that, bearing in mind how much she hated being told it. Although, if it helps, then it can be a good thing.

I'm just interested to hear as a follower, what your views are.

[LMC]

It's the same as in any situation when you're feeling a bit tense and nervous - being told to relax can make it worse, because you get even more self-conscious and feel under even more pressure - oh god, another thing that I should be doing that I'm not ...

I'm sure it's the same for beginner leads (certainly I've told guys to relax!) - it's just that you don't dance with them

Unless someone is *very* tense, I try not to use the "R" word, but be a little more specific - explain exactly what is 'wrong' - e.g. for a follower, advice could be: "You might find it easier to turn if your shoulders are a little less tense". Or even try saying something mildly entertaining - if someone laughs or smiles they usually relax automatically.

[Mythical]

I guess everyone has different pet hates.
I've been dancing aobut the same length of time as you mentioned, and it really wouldn't bother me. I'm usually quite happy to hear what I'm doing wrong when I'm dancing - whether it's being too tense or turning the wrong way. I can't fix it if i don't know about it!!

[Double Trouble]

I'm usually quite happy to hear what I'm doing wrong when I'm dancing - whether it's being too tense or turning the wrong way. I can't fix it if i don't know about it!!

The problem with that is, it's usually the wrong people giving the advice.

e.g. Men who have been dancing a few months...think they are the dogs dangly bits...but can't actually lead properly and blame it on the follower.

When I first started I found that a lot.

[Gadget]

Instead of saying "relax" I tend to sing along, suggest that they sing along, smile, and try to exude a relaxed air of confidence, only do beginner moves,...
Not saying it works, but the idea is that my partner feels less like they have to "do the moves" or concentrate on what I am doing and simply go with it.

{Of course this is only true for 'tense' partners... I tend to take the opposite stance with partners who are completley relaxed with me and throw in some things to sharpen them up a bit .. but I'm just evil like that :mwah ha ha:}

[ducasi]

Recently, a woman dancer (beginner, 6 weeks or so) told me that thing she hates most is being told by guys to "relax".

If she finds she's being told to relax a lot, rather than getting upset, perhaps she should actually try to relax!

That said, like others folks have already said, a bit more directed guidance, and a few less direct relaxation strategies could be more helpful.

[David Bailey]

If she finds she's being told to relax a lot, rather than getting upset, perhaps she should actually try to relax!

The trouble is that most of us find it difficult to do what we're told - typically, it's the "Oh, just calm down, will you" type of instruction that usually further inflames any argument.

Even after (lots of) years' dancing, I still react defensively to criticism even when I ask for it - I work at it and appreciate it later, but no-one likes being told what they're doing is wrong.

As said, humour, smiling, and other techniques are usually effective - verbal instructions rarely.

[Trouble]

The trouble is that most of us find it difficult to do what we're told - typically, it's the "Oh, just calm down, will you" type of instruction that usually further inflames any argument.

Even after (lots of) years' dancing, I still react defensively to criticism even when I ask for it - I work at it and appreciate it later, but no-one likes being told what they're doing is wrong.

As said, humour, smiling, and other techniques are usually effective - verbal instructions rarely.

yes its called tact and diplomacy. I have heaps of it

[tsh]

There seems to be a degree of conflicting advice being offered as people progress round as well. Maybe this is over-compensation, maybe it's some of the old-timers thinking that dancing is supposed to be lots of effort.

When I suggest relaxing, I try and be specific about when - i.e. just for part of a move, and that seems to be more productive.

sean

[straycat]

yes its called tact and diplomacy. I have heaps of it

Do you bring some of it out & dust it off on truly special occasions?

[StokeBloke]

I danced with a girl last night who was there for the first time. She was as stiff as a board looking at her feet and concentrating hard etc etc. I said "Remember thinking it'd be fun to come and learn to dance", she nodded vigorously, so I continued "well... this is the fun part, just enjoy it. We'll be just fine". By the end of that 1st move we were in, her shoulders had come down a little and as the dance progressed she got more and more relaxed (I kept it pretty much to just the 4 moves she'd learnt), trying to nod and smile at her efforts to follow without being condescending.

She finished the dance with a huge grin and it was so lovely to see the change in her through that dance. I saw her out on the floor a few times after that... smiling (but still watching her feet ). I said to her when we had finished how much I had enjoyed dancing with her, and if she did come back next week to try and find me because I would love to dance with her again.

The point I think I'm making is, you can tell someone to relax without saying the word! Just by making them feel comfortable, understood and safe they automatically start to.

[Mythical]

The problem with that is, it's usually the wrong people giving the advice.

e.g. Men who have been dancing a few months...think they are the dogs dangly bits...but can't actually lead properly and blame it on the follower.

When I first started I found that a lot.

So.....everytime someone tries to lead a sway in that awful way that makes my wrist go crunch and me stand there looking puzzled....it might not be 'cause I'm rubbish?

[StokeBloke]

So.....everytime someone tries to lead a sway in that awful way that makes my wrist go crunch and me stand there looking puzzled....it might not be 'cause I'm rubbish?

Quite possibly. Unless you are gripping their hand tightly with your thumb and that is causing the problem. Either way, I wouldn't use the word rubbish

The fact that you say 'everytime' makes me wonder if you are extremely unlucky in your choice of lead, or if there is a slight possibility that you are maybe gripping a little. Of course I would need to dance with you to satisfy my curiousity

Will you be at the next Bromsgrove T Dance

[Mythical]

Quite possibly. Unless you are gripping their hand tightly with your thumb and that is causing the problem. Either way, I wouldn't use the word rubbish

The fact that you say 'everytime' makes me wonder if you are extremely unlucky in your choice of lead, or if there is a slight possibility that you are maybe gripping a little. Of course I would need to dance with you to satisfy my curiousity

Will you be at the next Bromsgrove T Dance

Not likely - I'm really supposed to work on sundays! Not that I'd phoned in sick or anything.