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Thread: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

  1. #41
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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    Quote Originally Posted by TheTramp View Post
    Is that like clicking your heels 3 times, and being back in Kansas?

    12 Woodface spins, and you're in London (starting off in Scotland )
    Yep. Next is being able to cross water and continents.

    Nasa are intrested in using my tequnique for development of the next space shuttle.

  2. #42
    Registered User David Franklin's Avatar
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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    From the not so secret but allegedly (mildly entertaining) blog of JiveChav:
    Number of times I've mentioned my (mildly entertaining) blog today: 17 (good)
    Number of sexual innuendos posted: 13 (poor)
    Explicit references to body parts: 11
    Number of times I've mentioned my (mildly entertaining) blog today: 19 (better)

    You know, I'm not sure I've really mentioned my (mildly entertaining) blog often enough on the forum. I know, I'll start another thread about something I posted recently on my (mildly entertaining) blog so that people on the forum have another chance to find out about my (mildly entertaining) blog.

    So what have I discussed recently on my (mildly entertaining) blog? There was the post where I gave a clinical description of my partner's nipples, or the post where I talked about how my own nipples stuck out when I wore a nylon trackie? And then there was the thread where I talked about rubbing my nipples against my partner's nipples. Which should I post on the forum? Decisions, decisions?

    {later}

    Need a new topic to put on my (mildly entertaining) blog. I know, I'll put in an entry about the Ceroc forum and put in a link to a post there where I mentioned my (mildly entertaining) blog. With any luck, people reading my (mildly entertaining) blog will go the Ceroc thread, come to my post about my (mildly entertaining) blog, and link back to my (mildly entertaining) blog. My hit count will go so high it will make my nipples erect.

    Yesterday I made a really funny post on the forum. But it doesn't seem to be getting the rep it deserves. I know, I'll start another thread on the forum, simply to direct people to the funny post I made. I'm sure they'll all be so grateful once they realise how funny the 1st post was! In fact, they'll probably immediately want to look at my (mildly entertaining) blog.

    Argh! Some annoying person just neg-repped me because I didn't provide a link to my funny post. It's so unfair. I hate them! I'm going to ask Franck to tell me who it was. I know I could find out if I paid the subscription fee, but why should I contribute money to the forum? It's not as if I can use it to advertise my (mildly entertaining) blog.

    Still, at least I'm up to nearly 30 references to my (mildly entertaining) blog now.

  3. #43
    Registered User Beowulf's Avatar
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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    Le Diary of Caro

    You lost the game
    huh huh cool huh huh huh

    did not do anything else Tres Bien

  4. #44
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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    JiveChav! Love it.

  5. #45
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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    Quote Originally Posted by David Franklin View Post
    From the not so secret but allegedly (mildly entertaining) blog of JiveChav:
    That's the funniest one so far.











    Wonder if he'll get the hint!

  6. #46
    Registered User Beowulf's Avatar
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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    Quote Originally Posted by TheTramp View Post
    That's the funniest one so far.

    Wonder if he'll get the hint!
    Doubt it.. He never mentioned his (mildly entertaining) blog enough

  7. #47
    Registered User Freya's Avatar
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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    Absolutely hillarious! I'm loving reading these!

  8. #48
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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    Quote Originally Posted by TheTramp View Post
    That's the funniest one so far.

    I agrees - its probs the funniest blog/diary entry so far!!

  9. #49
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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    Very good!



    I was laughing my nipples off.



    It was more than mildly entertaining.

    (PS - I got the hint and I have requested all the posts to be deleted - lesson learned!)
    Last edited by JiveLad; 12th-January-2007 at 05:35 PM.

  10. #50
    Registered User TurboTomato's Avatar
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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    Quote Originally Posted by David Franklin View Post
    From the not so secret but allegedly (mildly entertaining) blog of JiveChav:
    Genuis This is the best thread in ages!! Have some rep! Edit: can't seem to give rep at the moment?!

  11. #51
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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    Quote Originally Posted by TheTramp View Post
    That's the funniest one so far.
    Ditto!

  12. #52
    Dickie Davies' love-child Cruella's Avatar
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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    Not my handiwork (unfortunately), i'm posting it on behalf of RobD. (He wants to stay at 999 posts, as it's in keeping with his firemen fetish)
    Feel free to pass on any rep deserved through me though.


    Larry's (ahem...) Story

    8.15 a.m. Head sore from party previous night - bad. Wake up alone (as usual) - charming young lady had volunteered to accompany me home. I refused her offer - v good.

    9 a.m. Get dressed. Turn up jeans by a good 6 inches. Quite a novel process as I'm more commonly turning things down. Decide to wear my favourite t-shirt too. Just a shame I can't find a pair of these shoes to put on.

    10 a.m Day off today - v good. I work as a refuse officer for Hammersmith and Fulham Council with my time split between Hammersmith Town Hall and Fulham Town Hall. Considering a move into Planning - just think of all those applications I could refuse

    11 a.m. Lazy morning watching my Little Britain DVD collection. Keep rewinding and watching those 'Computer says no' scenes over and over. Pure genius.

    12.15 p.m. Need food. Head over to local cafe where I am greeted by waitress with insane cackling laugh and bizarre blonde fringed curtains on her head. She offers me a menu.

    1.15 p.m. Leave cafe. Still hungry. Haven't eaten as I kept turning down the menu. Vary route home to ensure I pass as many Big Issue sellers as possible - it's all good practice.

    2 p.m. Recall with amusement the manner in which I turned down Wittybird's offer of a dance at the pre-Christmas Ashtons. Can't believe she's written a whole book about it though.

    3 p.m. Work pays the bills but writing is my true vocation. I've co-authored one book. Admire what the author of this volume is trying to achieve - you can never start too young. Sadly must shelve plans to write autobiography as the title I wanted is already taken

    5.15 p.m. Phone rings. It's the Fox! Probably looking to compare recent refusal rates. Hit C to reject the call.

    6 p.m. McDonalds for much needed sustenance - v good. No, I wouldn't like fries with that. No, I wouldn't like a drink. No, I don't want to supersize the meal. No, I don't want a receipt. Food is so-so but I love the ordering process here

    8 p.m. Spend evening in hoping for lots of sales cold calls that I can decline. Sadly, few transpire so I decide to listen to some music. Tiredness from previous evening's exertions kicks in and I drift off to sleep with my favourite song on repeat play.......

    The above story is fictional. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is strictly intentional. The subject of the diary was asked for permission to use his real name. He said 'no'.

  13. #53
    The Gobby one! WittyBird's Avatar
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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    The life and times of the puppy slayer

    Gossip rec’d 128 v.g
    Men stalked 25 v.g.
    Men avoided 15 v.v.v.v.g
    Brownie points awarded 12 v.v.bad there’s 14 freestyles this weekend and need to go to them all. I must get better at making Tom think me going dancing is his idea.


    1.30am woke up wondering what I’m missing, so managed to sneak out of bed without being missed and log on to the forum and msn. Deeply disappointed to find only whitebeard writing limericks.

    6.00am Got out of bed to start the daily tasks of cleaning and sorting the kids out, life’s so tough, had a coffee and quick peek on the forum before the gruelling day starts.

    8.55am Crikey OMG! Forgot to take the kids to school! I cannot believe I’ve been sat at my pc for nearly 3 hours, where does the time go. Luckily the kids had got themselves up, dressed and off to school…. Phew!!! Let’s hope Tom doesn’t find out. Hmmmm brownie points needed me thinks.

    9.05am I can’t believe I nearly forgot to phone Silver Fox, what would he do without the start of my daily calls, it doesn’t bear thinking about….

    Tickets have arrived for Twyford, Daventry, Derby, Ashtons, Greenwich and Bedford just a shame they’re all on the same night, will wait to see who’s going where before I make my mind up. Will end up going where the best men and least women are..

    Glad I spoke to SF, he is helping me with a cunning plan to fundraise to get Tom out of the country for a year, working on him taking the kids too! Wonder if I could get the dancing crew to sponsor him? Hmmmm food for thought there. We could even talk him into having a freestyle event as his goodbye party. Oooh like the sound of that. Maybe he could do a sponsored run around the world? I’m like a think tank today :yay:

    9.15am couldn’t resist another coffee and seemed to take forever to log into msn.

    10.30am Oooh my new shoes just arrived, better hide them though if Tom finds out I’ve bought another pair he will start nagging and make me do more housework or special chores.

    2.00pm Decided to have a coffee and make a few phone calls before I start the days chores, its so tough being such a dedicated housewife.

    5.00pm Paid the kids to do the housework, they’re cheap and do a good job. Gives me extra time to chat.

    Thinking of setting up my own business………. Di’s Detective Agency…hmmmmm needs to be a bit catchier than that! Maybe Secret or no secret, might be too subtle for most.

    7.30pm On way to meet Zebra Woman heading for BFF @ Ealing! OoooOOOoo only another 300 miles before we make civilisation. The people near us so need to learn how to dance. All the good men seem to be in London. Maybe I could persuade Tom to move.

    Enjoyed all the frotting (16v.g) found out the BBC were filming tonight so I paid Franco to let me dance with him whilst he was being filmed, I wonder how long it takes before I get a television contract.

    3am Finally got home after a fabulous evenings dancing, made a few new discoveries and made sure I got all their contact details so I can find out where they’re going in the future. Had a quick look on the forum to notice everyone seemed to be PM’ing, wonder what they’re chatting about, will make a few phone calls in the morning.

  14. #54
    Dickie Davies' love-child Cruella's Avatar
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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    I don't drink coffee.

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    The Gobby one! WittyBird's Avatar
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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    Quote Originally Posted by Cruella View Post
    I don't drink coffee.
    Does it go cold cos you've forgotten about it?

  16. #56
    Dickie Davies' love-child Cruella's Avatar
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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    Revenge.
    From the diary of Twitty Chick.

    Tickets touted:.4 (bad)
    Forumite introductions: 35 (v.g)
    New swear word anagrams: 8 (v.v.g)

    7am.
    Wake up feeling really refreshed after a whole 3 hours sleep. Feel like a new woman! Well can’t seem to find that new man so I’ll give it a whirl.
    Think I’ll wear my new outfit I bought to impress the boss, pinstripe combats, fantastic find.
    Started the day with my favourite breakfast, Cheerios, The Happy Cereal. (God, i’m funny today.) Had run out of milk so poured on the Pinot Grigio I have delivered each morning.

    9am.
    Work is boring today, they all want SOFTware, I prefer to sell them HARDware. LOL (I’m so Witty). They really are Fcuking Watts, they should be ringing me and requesting I sell them stuff. Everyone else does when they want tickets for a weekender. I’ve only managed 3 hours on the Forum this morning, Crap.

    Fag Breaks: 20 (v.good) Cutting back is easier than I thought it would be

    1pm.
    Made my usual catch up calls in my lunch hour. Can’t understand everyone else they use that time to eat, what the Fcuks that all about! 3 more ticket requests for Camber and 8 more bookings for Hotel Witty tonight.

    2pm.
    Send the girls my latest Truth or Dare ideas. Strangely no one seems to want to join in the fun anymore. There was some mention about court cases, liability and slander. Twats!

    5pm.
    The Boss tells me to go home early. He says he’s had enough of my childish pranks. I thought the remote control Fart Machine was hilarious! He didn’t seem in a very good mood at all today, he didn’t even laugh when he discovered the photocopy of my arse amongst his paperwork. Miserable Ba$tard.

    6pm.
    House guests arrive. Only 32 staying tonight. I’m sure I could fit in a few more. There’s room on top of the fridge for a small one.
    Get ready for Hipsters, decide to wear the Denim skirt, although it is a bit long, it nearly covers my shorts! Can’t decide which top to wear so don’t bother wearing one. I’ll wear my hat instead.

    8pm.
    Arrive for pre-dance drinks. Have a couple of bottles of Chablis, nice and relaxed now.
    Fantastic nights dancing with all my favourite dancers. Manage to frot a few legs , don’t know who they belonged to as I couldn’t see far enough to recognise their faces, why are they all so bloody tall?
    Hang around chatting for an hour at the end. Bloody Cruella and Zebra Woman still managed to stay longer though.
    Everyone back here for the night, finally let them all go to sleep at 7am after a group session on the Forum and MSN.

    I’ll let them have 2 hours sleep then we’ll start the party again.

  17. #57
    The Gobby one! WittyBird's Avatar
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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    Quote Originally Posted by Cruella View Post
    Revenge.
    v.v funny
    I wonder if I could get some pinstriped combats

  18. #58
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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    i know a lot more about some forumites now its all true im sure..

  19. #59
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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    Quote Originally Posted by Beowulf1970 View Post
    You know I feel my creative juices flowing... perhaps it's time to bite back
    ...

    Quote Originally Posted by Beowulf1970 View Post
    Le Diary of Caro
    You lost the game
    huh huh cool huh huh huh

    did not do anything else Tres Bien
    v. disappointed Beo...

    May I suggest...

    Le Journal d'une Carotte, friday 12th Jan

    Complaints about being in Cameroon: 17 (v. bad - although only 4 on the forum )
    Days since last kiss: 5 (but where are the other French hiding?)
    Days since last dance: 14 (in delirium tremens)
    Days before next dance: 11 ( ) (10 if the Largest Hobo happens to be in the plane going home)
    Weird stuff seen today: elephant x1; green mamba x0 (ouf!), people carrying a shoe on their head x3, witches x2, bats 1580 ( )
    Hours spent on Flashchat: 6.5 ()
    Hours spent working: 0.5 ( )


    What a busy day. When I close my eyes I can still see the blue screen with the red ribbons - must really stop chatting all day and start doing some work. Although I might just start a new thread instead. Death and religion haven't been discussed today (), so how's "My Buddhist neighbour died during an animist transe - should I post a picture of his body on the forum on not?" for a topic? Surely that'll trigger some interesting debate and I'll be able to make some sensible, nuanced, and non-offensive smart posts. Might even earn some rep in the process (always good). (Although it seems very few people are actually clever enough to grasp the subtleties of my literature ).
    Anyway. Must find Baryum Sulfide's last post (isn't that an annoying little pedantic man that one?) just for the sake of argumenting the opposite opinion. Ah don’t we love the art of Debate, us the French? Or is it Strikes - I never remember. Must have been away for too long.

    Being watching some Jordan & Tatiana WCS clips this afternoon. I had only seen them 3156th times this week so I couldn't quite remember what T was doing on that break after 1 min 33 sec in their 2004 US Open routine. Better now - I remember, she freezes. What a good idea. That must be what they call adding musicality to dancing. Must try someday.

    On a totally different note, I realised I needed to get some black and white dancing shoes cause it looks like all the great dancers have them (must remember to tell Tatiana next week-end in Paris - she'll sure want some). (might even give the tip to Jessica if she's good enough).

    Later at the hotel, I have been looking for somebody to whip me, but sadly I was unsuccessful (again). Only muggles there who thought I really was into S&M. Les idiots. I wish J&T were there to enlighten them.

    Later on I tried to talk cinema with a couple of locals. Asked them what they thought about the last James Bond () but they hadn't seen it. Actually I'm not even sure they knew what I was talking about. So moved on to celeb talk, as I heard that Cameron and Justin had spit up. They nodded but again I don't think they knew the big news (come on girls, that means Justin is single! ) - don’t everybody read Closer in this country then? Ah that must be another cultural difference. Must remember to post a thread on the forum about "Africa and the important things in life".

    Went back to my bedroom but I think I had too much wine so I might just write another diary before going to bed. Hope I'll dream about J&T

  20. #60
    Dickie Davies' love-child Cruella's Avatar
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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    Taken from the diary of the Stripy One.

    8.30am
    Take kids to school, took a slight 1 mile detour so we could cross the road safely. Zebra crossings should never be ignored!

    9.30am
    Back home, time to log on to the forum.
    I52 PMs today (Vbad)
    Read them through in between my I.Tunes searches. Thought I’d try Disney genre today. Determined to find a gem of a track I haven’t heard before.
    Ooh, found one to give to Tiggerbabe.
    La Canzone Di Tigro. Lovely Italian version. She’ll love it.

    11.00am
    Time for some exercise, get on the mountain bike, very pleased with the new stripy saddle. Just a quickie today I think .To Birmingham should be a good warm up ride
    .
    2pm
    Arrive at the Bullring, might as well do some shopping whilst I’m here.
    Find a lovely monochrome hair accessory. Try it on, I think it might make me look gay though. Still I’ll buy it and post a poll to ask the forumites what they thnk.

    3pm
    Just about to go home and spot some fantastic shoes. The leopard skin ones look so cheap and tacky, they’d be so much better in Zebra print! Buy them in white (I can add my own stripes with a permanent marker.) Then they’ll look so much classier.

    5pm
    Arrive home just in time to cook the tea, Zebra Steak tonight.

    7pm
    Get ready to go out,. Trackie bottoms and Reefs. Curlers in hair, Zebra scarf, sorted.

    7.15pm
    First to arrive at the usual layby to meet the others. Why is it whenever I park here I get some guy knock on my window asking about his dog?

    Miss Conduct and Cruella jump in the car for the short 100mile trip. We really should take the bikes instead.
    Arrive in the car park. Curlers out, strip off, Zebra skirt (well more of a belt) on, Zebra top on, Zebra knickers and bra. Zebra shoes.. I do hope no one’s wearing the same outfit, like that time at Slinkies when Cruella turned up in the same dress.

    8.45pm
    Fab nights frotting, had to trot after a few as it was too many ladies as usual. Had a bit of a scare when I floated off during a dance with Rob D. I had my eyes closed and was in my fantasy world full of Zebras, Blues music and Pivot turns (oh and not forgetting the sailing boats) when I felt something stirring down below, came to when I realised it was his phone vibrating in his pocket!
    Glad I gave the DJ my CD collection and a list of which order to play them in. I bet he’ll get loads of compliments on his set tonight!!

    1.30am
    After saying goodbye to everyone for an hour, I go to the loos to wash my hooves. Back into the Trackie bottoms.
    Journey home’s a lot of fun as usual. Earl Grey, Muffins and plenty of dissection of the dancing and frotting.
    I’m so glad that ‘what’s said in the car, stays in the car’!
    Last edited by Cruella; 16th-January-2007 at 11:54 PM.

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