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Thread: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

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    Registered User David Franklin's Avatar
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    David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    To the diary of David Jones: Thursday 14th December

    9am: Wake up full of enthusiam for my role as moderator. Someone posted last night that all the power's gone to my head ... how ridiculous! I banned him of course - can't have people dissing the moderators, or where would we all be?

    Infractions given out: 2 (vg). Would have been more, but I made the mistake of posting a load of pics of women in bras and all the men lost interest in their usual arguments. V. disappointing! Oh well - plenty of time to start a thread about spinning technique before the new year!

    Referrals to moderator: 27 (v.v.bad). Do people think I've got nothing better to do than fix up their posts when they screw up the quoting? All you have to do is use the preview button - for Tango's sake, how hard can it be? Console myself with plan of putting random amusing typos in Gadget and Woodface's posts - then realise no-one would notice...

    It's great that my real job involves lots of work on our corporate forum. It means I can spend 8...12...16...18 hours a day on the Ceroc forum without my boss being any the wiser. And if he ever does check, I'll just explain I was using it to evaluate vBulletin under heavy loading. The funniest thing of all is, I don't even dance Ceroc!

    Tango is my true love. Tango is the greatest dance ever. Tango brings a level of satisfaction I haven't known since that evening with Clive Long [hope Clive never reads this!]. With Tango, my world would be complete. If only I could manage that walking thing without the women at the milonga pointing at me and laughing.

    7pm: Went to tango class. Spent the first hour practising walking. I think I've worked out the secret to getting it right. How does it go? Oh yes: "left...right...left...right...". Not too hard really, just need to remember when I do a left that I need to do a right afterwards...

    Spent the 2nd hour practising Tango pivots:
    Pivots done: 713 (v.g.)
    Pivots done correctly according to Kicca: 1 (v.v.bad)

    Am so upset I leave after class and before the milonga. Actually, am glad to have an excuse to leave - rumour was the men and women were actually going to dance together! Scary thought - I've been going to Tango lessons for 7 years and I've still to dance with a woman! It's so much easier when I practise with Clive - he's so cute when he does backwards ochos.

    11pm: Cry myself to sleep, thinking of pivots with Clive...

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    The Gobby one! WittyBird's Avatar
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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    Words cannot express
    Funniest thing I've read in a long time

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    Registered User Whitebeard's Avatar
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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    Quote Originally Posted by WittyBird View Post

    Words cannot express
    Funniest thing I've read in a long time
    Theres's a first time for everything.

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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    That's good David!

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    Registered User Lynn's Avatar
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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    Of course we're all waiting on the next diary entry now...

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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    Quote Originally Posted by David Franklin View Post
    (snip hilarious stuff)
    although you forgot to relate his grumpy attempts at making everybody stop posting so that the forum is 'more interesting' (read more tango) or something

    Quote Originally Posted by DavidJames View Post
    Well, I'm bored. And you lot aren't entertaining me.
    Quote Originally Posted by DavidJames View Post
    Good grief, Charlie Brown. How many gazillion times have we heard this one?
    (...) Bored now.
    Quote Originally Posted by DavidJames View Post
    just don't do it again.
    Quote Originally Posted by DavidJames View Post
    Boring boring boring ...
    Quote Originally Posted by DavidJames View Post
    Good grief, how many more ways can people find to say ....
    Quote Originally Posted by DavidJames View Post
    Good grief, people, I can't believe only 3 of us are ...
    Quote Originally Posted by DavidJames View Post
    Traitor - Burn Him!
    Quote Originally Posted by DavidJames View Post
    Good grief ...
    Quote Originally Posted by DavidJames View Post
    Good grief, you realise you're agreeing with Andy McGregor there?
    Quote Originally Posted by DavidJames View Post
    Yes, we've only had that joke about 6 times so far on this thread.
    And it just keeps on getting funnier each time.
    Quote Originally Posted by DavidJames View Post
    Christ, where's that "shoot-myself-in-the-head" icon when I really really need it...
    Quote Originally Posted by DavidJames View Post
    Getting older even as I type... And grumpier, amazingly enough.
    Quote Originally Posted by DavidJames View Post
    Good grief - the mind boggles...


    and also the sore wandering of the introspective existential quest...

    Quote Originally Posted by DavidJames View Post
    Why do you think I'm so grumpy?
    with the all so quickly vanishing flash of lucidity:
    Quote Originally Posted by DavidJames View Post
    I'm old, fat, ugly and have spent the last year unlearning how to wiggle...
    but the thruth is, in his very own keyboard:

    Quote Originally Posted by DavidJames View Post
    The point is nothing to do with sexuality, and everything to do with bullying.
    Bullies are nasty people ...
    Does it mean DJ is nasty of just in lack of action in the bedroom?


    Quote Originally Posted by DavidJames View Post
    Come on, someone, do something entertaining...
    hope you liked David Franklin's respectable attempt
    I did

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    Registered User David Franklin's Avatar
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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    To the diary of Franck Poorly, Tues December 20th

    8am: Am woken up by the roar of my iAlarm: a quad-core power-Mac spinning up to speed, before playing me an alarm call recorded on my £999 iBlu-ray HD-DVD player. Some luddites would use a £2 alarm clock, but they're just reluctant to use the latest and greatest technology (they probably have PC's).

    8:30am: Log on as forum admin.

    New Silver Membership Subscriptions: 7 (v.g)
    Number of days since I completely redesigned the forum layout: 4 (v.b).

    Looking at my email, I see a couple of people complaining that David Jones has awarded them infractions for no valid reason. Let's have a look:

    "incorrect use of an apostrophe - 7 penalty points". Good call, David!

    "made a joke about the French - 10 penalty points". Only 10 penalty points - what were you thinking, David? I'll show you how to deal with this. Let's see: set rep to -100, power to 0. Somehow, it's just not enough. I know - I'll set her avatar to an image of Craig Revel-Horwood with a love heart pasted over the top! Oh, and lock her out from changing it, of course.

    9am: OK - time for serious work - changing the forum layout. Opening it up on my new 72" Apple Panoramic Cinema Tapestry (tm), I realise it looks a little ... unbalanced. I realise the problem is that the advertising banners at the top are looking a little lost. So I resize all the jpegs to be twice the size, before ringing Mike Well'ard to find out if there's any other Ceroc events I can advertise. Great news! There are now 8 weekenders, so that's 8 more banners I can put on the site. Yes - it all looks much better now.

    10:30am: Get irate PM from forumite, saying that he now has to scroll down 4 pages of adverts in order to get to the actual forum content. Bloody typical! Send him a PM back telling him it's his fault for buying a PC instead of a Mac.

    10:45am: Merde! Another 5 annoyed PM's about the layout, and someone's even started a thread about it! Guess I'll have to cut back a little on the adverts. Might get rid of the strangely arousing one with the curtain opening - this site is open to children after all.

    11:00am: Console myself over loss of advertising revenue by adding a couple of bits of broken javascript to the vBulletin menu that just 'happen' to cause Internet Explorer to crash! I am so l33t!

    11:30am: Guess I ought to catch up on all the on-topic posts on the forum before I have my second cup of coffee.
    11:33am: Ahhh! - the great taste of Nescafe!

    12:00pm: Start working out what I'm going to teach this evening. What I love about teaching Ceroc is there's such a wide range of possibilities: short comb? Long comb? Left-handed comb? Comb with a wiggle?

    2:00pm: Check the forum again:

    New Silver Membership Subscriptions: 1 (v.bad)

    I need to do something to get more people to register. Some perk that they'll really like, but isn't strictly necessary. I know - I'll let Silver Members avoid seeing all the banner adds.

    3:00pm:

    New Silver Membership Subscriptions: 1 (bad)

    My plan hasn't had the impact I hoped. Good thing I backed up the layout changes I did this morning. No one can complain now - they only have to cough up if they don't want the adverts.

    4:30pm:

    New Silver Membership Subscriptions: 17 (v.v.v.good!) Must increase subscription charge for next year.

    5:30pm:

    Happiness sullied by new thread saying I'm abusing my position by creating annoying features you can only avoid by paying a subscription. Even David Jones has joined in - after all I've done for him.

    I'll do what I always do when the masses gets unruly - muck about with the rep system. It's so funny hearing them squeal when their power goes down.

    So, let's see: Power = Int_0^inf {rep(t) * cos(posts(t)) - vowel_count(day_of_week)} dt. Let's see them work that out in a hurry!

    7:30pm: Teach my class, while using my iPod to play music of my iBook on my iSpeakers. You know, it's only recently that I've realised what a visionary James Cronin was. Ceroc starting every move with a semi-circle is just like Apple starting every product with an 'i'. Pure genius!

    8:15pm: Surprise! Notice David Jones has turned up for the intermediate class.

    9pm: David James came up to complain after the class. Seems he felt my "comb into duck comb into prolonged comb into hair swish into aerial comb" was a personal attack on the follicly challenged. I apologise sincerely and tell him such was the last thing on my mind.



    10:30pm: Class ends. Pack up my iStuff into my iCar before driving to my iFlat. Spend 4 hours editing on my quad-core power-Mac, putting a new wake-up message onto DVD. I just love modern technology - it makes my iLife so much easier.

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    The Gobby one! WittyBird's Avatar
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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    can't wait for the next installment

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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason


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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    Quote Originally Posted by Caro View Post
    although you forgot to relate his grumpy attempts at making everybody stop posting so that the forum is 'more interesting' (read more tango) or something

    [snipped lots of DJ quotes]


    Looking at this... is DJ auditioning to replace Craig on SCD?

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    Registered User David Franklin's Avatar
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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    The diary of "The Largest Hobo", Wednesday 21st December

    There's a dance, it keeps on calling me,
    At Ceroc, that's where I'll always be,
    Every track I dance, I make a new friend,
    Can't stay for long, th'music starts and I'm gone again!

    Maybe tomorrow I'll sit down and study Law -
    Until tomorrow I'll just keep jivin' on.

    So if you wanna dance with'me for a while,
    Just pick some blues and we'll sleaze about
    Trampy style

    11am: Wake up.

    Hours since stopped dancing: 3 (v.b.)
    Venues visited this week: 23 (v.g.)
    Consecutive days gone dancing: 1376 (v.v.g.)
    Hours spent studying law this year: 0.5 ()

    12 noon: Go into college to meet supervisor.
    12:30pm: Apparently I was supposed to be there at 10am - oops! Supervisor not impressive that I've not been seen at a morning lecture or supervision all term. Explain I was out dancing. Supervisor looks at me and says "What do you want to be? A lawyer or a dancer?". There's a pregnant pause, and my supervisor utters a deep sigh.

    We go over the essay I'd written: "Ceroc: A Case Study on Monopolies and Anti-Competitive Practice." Tells me that adding an appendix with the 600 moves in the Ceroc 'Bible' is useless, unnecessary padding. I point out that it's billable padding, and he gives me an extra mark. Result!

    Next week he wants an essay on justifiable homicide. Exhibit one: "The postings of Woodface". But must also try to work out how to work in a reference to Sophie Ellis Bextor and Murder on the Dancefloor.

    6pm: Get ready to go out dancing. I'm going to be DJing Dundee, Aberdeen, Manchester, London and Sydney this evening, so there might be a bit of travel. I've got my trust Ipod, of course, but that can't hold my 317 versions of Fever, so I need to bring along an external 500GB drive as well.

    1am: Last diary entry before my flight to Sydney. The great thing about having a slotted dancing style is that you can practice it in the airplane aisles if you find a willing stewardess.

    Had last minute call from someone I met from Singapore asking if I'd teach a workshop there, have checked flight path, and it goes over Singapore, so no problem. Now all I have to do is work out this rip-cord thing...

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    Forum Bombshell - Our Queen! Lory's Avatar
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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    He he he that was funny!

    But I don't know why but I'm slightly nervous about the next instalment!
    MODERATOR AT YOUR SERVICE
    "If you're going to do something tonight, that you know you'll be sorry for in the morning, plan a lie in." Lorraine

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    Registered User David Franklin's Avatar
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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    Quote Originally Posted by Lory View Post
    But I don't know why but I'm slightly nervous about the next instalment!
    You don't give me much ammunition! Best I can come up with:
    The diary of Lory's Avatar: Today...

    Mirror, mirror on the wall - who's the sexiest Avatar of them all?

    9am: Butt wiggles today: 17356 (v.v.good)

    Blimey it's cold this morning! Here I am, shaking my ass wearing hot-pants and a couple of handkerchiefs, and it's below zero out here! It's a good thing the forum doesn't have a "zoom on Avatar" function, or I'd have someone's eye out! You'd think with all the interest on women's bras, someone would get me some new underwear for Christmas! (hint hint!).

    10:30am: So pleased I'm still the prettiest Avatar. I always worry that Lory will get bored of me and discard me for some other GIF image. I love Lory - I depend on her for everything. Luckily, she's a forum moderator and so she can take good care of me.

    12:30pm: V.Bad News: A forumite called Bryman has made a new avatar based of that Ola from SCD (the hussy!).

    12:35pm: Sulking... Not going to wiggle anymore.
    12:40pm: Still sulking...
    12:45pm: V. Good News! Lory asked me what was wrong, and when I told her, she changed Bryman's Avatar into a toad! Ha ha ha!

    Oh well, got to go - lots more wiggling to be done...

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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    Quote Originally Posted by David Franklin View Post
    The diary of "The Largest Hobo", Wednesday 21st December
    (snip)
    too bad I can't rep you again... you had me in stitches there
    thanks for that

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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    Quote Originally Posted by Caro View Post
    too bad I can't rep you again... you had me in stitches there
    thanks for that




    Except for that bit about the iPod. Stupid apple stuff!

  16. #16
    Registered User David Franklin's Avatar
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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    From the diary of El Chilli Con Carne - today:
    Days since last forum post: 33 (v.bad)
    Current location: Randy McGregor's basement (v.v.v.v.v.v.bad)

    9am: Even after a month in here, I still can't believe my so called "friends" have done this to me. Apparently, they noticed changes in my behaviour after Ceroc teacher training, and decided I'd been brainwashed. And McGregor said he provided a unique deprogramming environment. He wasn't kidding.

    9:30am: Randy comes in, carrying a Freed bag in one arm, and a white fluffy cat in the other. I've come to realise that the white cat is a bad sign. He takes a pair of dance shoes out of the bag and throws them at me? Sigh. I'd better play along.

    "So, Randy, do you expect me to dance?"
    "No, ECC, I expect you to die! Mwa! Hah! Hah!"

    Fortunately, he doesn't mean it, it's just his little joke. It gets rather wearing when you've heard it 30 times before. Actually, it wasn't funny the first time, but you try telling Randy that.

    11am: Randy says if I can just teach a full lesson without using a Ceroc cliche he'll let me go. Concentrate hard: Can't use the semi-circle to start the dance, so it'll have to be "push back on 1". That can work. Flick spin Randy, telling him to offer the right hand, but he gives me his left. "Your other right", I say without thinking. Bugger!

    11:30am: Back in the basement. You know, I'm starting to worry about some of the stuff Randy has in here. The leather masks, the whips, the ball-gags are all expected - but there's a sinister locked box with skull motifs.

    12pm: Examine the box - it's a 6 digit combination lock. Would take forever to crack by guessing. Now what would Randy use as a code? I know: 5...6...5678! The box opens!

    The horror! The box contains a huge selection of cigarettes and cigars, including some rare ones only found on the black market. Worse still, there's a small compartment with a false bottom. In it, I find a black, tobacco like substance. There's only one conclusion: Randy McGregor is not just a secret smoker. Randy McGregor deals in snuff!

    12:30pm: My situation has suddenly got a lot more serious. I realise Randy will never let me go now I know his secret. I have to escape.

    13:00pm: Fortunately, Randy has left his extensive collection of electronic "massage" devices in here. I use the buckle on one of the leather masks as a screwdriver to open them up. I quickly realise I can use the oscillator chip on "the 14 inch monster" to create a valid bluetooth signal and the feedback microphone on "deeper and harder" to send out voice signals - and then if there's a bluetooth phone anywhere in the vicinity, I can call the police.

    15:00pm: Have successfully set things up so I can use bluetooth to turn the lights in the dungeon off and on. Um... that's not what I was supposed to be doing is it? I just got caught up in the possibilities.

    16:00pm: Brilliant - there's a phone in range. Tap out 3 nines and wait...
    16:20pm: Still on fscking hold - what am I paying my taxes for?
    16:30pm: A voice!
    "Hello sir, what seems to be the problem?"

    "I'm being held prisoner in Randy McGregor's basement"

    "That hardly seems likely sir. Randy McGregor is a well known respectable ... OK, a well known public figure - why rumour has it he might one day be our Tory MP.... {pause} Oh...
    We'll be right there. Just don't put any oranges in your mouth!
    "
    16:50pm: I can hear sledgehammers at the door. I'm saved!

    17:30pm: The police are all being very nice to me. Suspiciously nice, in the case of one incredibly tall officer. At one point, when the other's have gone, he whispers to me: "'14 inch monster' and 'deeper and harder', eh? If you ever need to, um, talk, here's my personal number...".

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    Forum Bombshell - Our Queen! Lory's Avatar
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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    Quote Originally Posted by David Franklin View Post
    From the diary of El Chilli Con Carne - today:
    Brilliant!
    MODERATOR AT YOUR SERVICE
    "If you're going to do something tonight, that you know you'll be sorry for in the morning, plan a lie in." Lorraine

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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason


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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason

    I thought this thread disappeared into the limbos of the chit chat section far too quickly... and as I was a little too tipsy yesterday evening I couldn't sleep so took a sheet of paper and wrote the diary of Be-a-wolf. (love you Beo ).
    Certainly not as funny as DF's but hey... made me laugh (ok in my state I didn't need much ).

    Quote Originally Posted by Beawolf tuesday 9th jan

    Additional decimals of Pi calculated today: 3 546 723 (v.v. good)
    Times I said ‘sorry’: 1623 (sorry). Damn it 1624.
    Yoyos performed: 19 (in 3 dances) (v. bad).

    Woke up at 5.20 this morning because I had another dream about Star Wars, a Gadget disguised in Chewbacca was trying to eat me. Again. Must really consult somebody to find out what this means. As master Yoda once said “Foreplay, cuddling – a Jedi craves not those things”. Ooops wrong quote (brain getting confused now) I meant ‘Named must your fear be before banish it you can”, of course.

    Anyway that left me just enough time to de-program my alarm clock set at 6.15 (must stop using my own 23% Latin – 17% Delphi – 39.5% ASCII – 20.5% l337 sp33k language to program that thing, it takes far too much time to disable it).
    Connected to e-work at ITworldglobalgeeks.com in my new position of geek-in-chief responsible for fractal softwares development. Once again I was the only one at work today (have all the others got a virus?) so I didn’t get much done, only wrote 31 new softwares. What a waste of time I was interrupted all the time by morons calling the hotline to ask why RDF/OWL/etc don’t provide more value than XML/XSLT/etc for semantic integration – seriously?!

    I still managed to found the time to buy a dozen of flight tickets to London, so pretty happy about that. Hoping to become silver member of their reward scheme very soon. I mean come on people I could fly (or crash for that matter ) that plane with just a couple of navigation programs – surely I deserve some special status for that!
    Also bought another ticket that I gave to the first person I saw in the street as a random act of kindness. Everybody knows someone in London, don’t they.

    Oh and I almost forgot to tell that that neighbour of mine came knocking at my door as he was choking and that close to suffocate. I did the Heimlich maneuver (they should really teach that at ceroc, much more useful than the in and out and at least that’ll make a move I’ll remember), which saved him.

    I then went to my weekly (or so ) class and at the end I almost managed to do the beginners routine without apologising once – but then at the last minute I forgot the last return so I had to say sorry. Sorry . Went to the revision class then (I have only been to 127.5 classes – was late once - so am not that confident to go to intermediate yet. May be in 2008).
    Anyway managed to hide myself pretty well during the freestyle, however 3 very determined ladies (one of then being Trampy ) forced me to dance with them. Must find a better way to avoid them – may be more garlic at dinner? Or that pink Hawaiian shirt of mine might also do the trick. Must try next time. Overall a good night, although Trampy scared the sh*t out of me when he suddenly did a drop on me. Think I’ll take a good 3 weeks off to recover.

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    Registered User TurboTomato's Avatar
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    Re: David Jones' Diary - Beyond the Edge of Reason


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