Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

[straycat]

But recently I've been told the following:

I'd prefer to dance this track with someone I like.
I think you just use me for dancing...
No. (no apology, no explanation, nothing)

I've also been looked up and down, then told - No thanks!
I've even been taken onto the dance floor, then the guy walked away and left me there!

First one could be (as Beo said) a very badly phrased innocent remark.
Second sounds like a joke (but is pretty damn' bizarre if it isn't)...

The rest - well appalling (side note - I find it really worrying that some seem to regard this kind of brush-off as normal rudeness - to be expected). Doesn't say anything nice about the culture we're developing here

Grudges are not worth bearing, in my book. They take waaay too much of your energy - the worst affected person is usually the grudge-bearer. Life's too short.

Just mentally brush it off yourself, and move on.... BUT also remember that it's a privilige to dance with you - they're the ones missing out, not you. My rule of thumb is that anyone who turns me down in a rude fashion (so long as I remember, which generally isn't long ) is not someone I'll ask again. I'll likely say yes if they ever ask me, but the ball's in their court.

[Trouble]

English women, complicated individuals, give me a nice welsh girl whos facial hair matches mine anyday xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Ps notice the commas for breathing xxx

your describing a jabberwaqui (not sure on spelling)... great stuff.

[dave the scaffolder]

your describing a jabberwaqui (not sure on spelling)... great stuff.

areyou saying i am a hairy individual my lovely xxxxx

[killingtime]

Sorry, are we not meant to keep promises to people without boobs?

I was going to reply to the original post but this one can just confuse people when it is taken out of context .

I have to agree. If I said I'd get a dance with someone then even if my favourite dancer asked me to dance (while I'm getting some water or whatever) then I'd still keep my promise to that original dancer and will turn down the latter.

Occasionally it has happened to me where I am asked by someone standing next to the fountain and I'll say "yeah, just let me get a drink of water first" and when I turn around she'll be dancing with someone else . I'm willing to accept that she didn't hear me though or that not everyone works on the same rules I do (which is fine, it isn't that big a deal).

[Trouble]

areyou saying i am a hairy individual my lovely xxxxx

no, im saying you are a really really hairy individual my lovely,xxxx
for people that have not met Dave, look at his profile... its scary hairy..xx

by the way Dave.....your still cute..

[Lynn]

I've been saying this for years. No-one has a right to expect people to agree to dance with them. The person you are asking, has also paid their money, and has the right to decide who they are going to dance with.

I agree with this. Though I rarely refuse (without reason, I refused a dance last night because I was on taxi duty but made sure I found the guy and had a dance as soon as I came off duty).

People have the right to refuse a dance without an inquistion.

Refusing a dance rudely is just that - bad manners. The same as any occurance of bad manners. I wouldn't ask them again. Nothing to do with 'holding a grudge', I just have better things to do with my time than intentionally seek out rude people.

I've never been rudely refused but then I probably only ask about 10% of the time (away from my own venue that is). I've only had a few refusals and and they all had a 'reason' and asked me the next time.

So I guess my policy based on my own past practice is - accept a refusal and move on. And leave it to the person to come and ask me the next time.

[Trouble]

anyway, getting back to the question in hand.

i have been refused before and im sure i will be refused again and it can, when your not expecting it or are not used to it, rip your heart out of your chest and make you feel absolutely awful. When it happened to me the first time i quit dancing albeit temporarily but it gave my ego a slap, my confidence a slap and made me want to die from embarassment.

Unfortunately, this will happen over and over again and i think what might help is if when new people join ceroc, or jive or salsa or whatever dance venue they start with, the leaders should explain that this can happen, its not the end of the world and to just move on to the next person because what i was told as a green new starter was, ITS LAW, MEN NEVER REFUSE WOMEN A DANCE... you can imagine...

I do think men and women have a choice, i myself will avoid dancers if they are rubbish or smell or yank about too much, we just have to learn how to deal with it and not let it bug us and teach people that it doesn't matter if your refused.

Now if i was to be refused, it would not bother me like it used too, i would think your loss baby, you dont know what you just missed.

[Lee Bartholomew]

I quite often get turned down for dances just after someone has seen me dance with Seriously Addicted or another good female. They are scared that I might sumersault them or throw them over my shoulder.

Normally get the 'Your too good for me' reply. Normally tell them they are talking nonsense and drag them on to the floor anyhow. It is then I throw them over my shoulder (just kidding). Will dance with them slow and as normal as I can get to be. They normally then get their freinds to come and ask me to dance with them.

As everyone else says, don;t take it personally. you can bet that unless you are a fish monger and have'nt showered since finnishing work, that the only reason you have been turned down is because of the other dancers over inflated ego, or they just don't feel they are up to the job of dancing with you.

[dave the scaffolder]

I've been saying this for years. No-one has a right to expect people to agree to dance with them. The person you are asking, has also paid their money, and has the right to decide who they are going to dance with.

However, I do generally believe that it is more acceptable to accept dances, rather than turn people down. Especially for no reason.

I find myself agreeing with the tramp on this one i once danced with a woman who discolated my finger and as a scaffolder i spent weeks in pain whilst working with my hands i would never dance with her again i pay my money and grippers are to be avoided

[Trouble]

I find myself agreeing with the tramp on this one i once danced with a woman who discolated my finger and as a scaffolder i spent weeks in pain whilst working with my hands i would never dance with her again i pay my money and grippers are to be avoided

discolated - is that a new dance move...

[Lee Bartholomew]

Whilst I would never turn down a dance with a 'gripper' I do try and let them know they are gripping by subtlely losening their grip or stopping, shaking my hands till they let go, then re holding.

[Trouble]

Whilst I would never turn down a dance with a 'gripper' I do try and let them know they are gripping by subtlely losening their grip or stopping, shaking my hands till they let go, then re holding.

i thought gripping was appropriate in some circumstances

[dave the scaffolder]

discolated - is that a new dance move...

This is not my natural 1st language. Foot and arse situation rapidly approaching for one of us xxxxxxxxxxx

[Double Trouble]

discolated - is that a new dance move...

Oh michele....you are awful

[Lee Bartholomew]

i thought gripping was appropriate in some circumstances

It sure is, but in the middle of a dance floor? One way of getting banned from a venue.

[Trouble]

This is not my natural 1st language. Foot and arse situation rapidly approaching for one of us xxxxxxxxxxx

foot and ass situation...hummmmm, now let me think is that forgiving or holding a grudge...

[angelique]

Sorry, are we not meant to keep promises to people without boobs?



[/URL]

Did I say that Martin?

I merely tried to highlight a funny situation to make people smile during this thread...and it was at my own expense .

Try it..smiling that is...you might even enjoy it!

[angelique]

Sorry hunny! Not like I haven't been turned down by a woman for other women before

It was all RobD's fault, let's blame it on him!

(Am i still in trouble now I've shifted blame?!)

No! No! No!

Pass me that BIG stick Matron...all the better to beat him with

[Lory]

Gosh SnowWhite, you've certainly had more than your fair share of refusals

Do we only ask those we know?

Funnily enough, most of the refusals I get, come from the men I feel I know the best.


Maybe, it's that they feel they can be honest with me and it I wont get offended, which as a rule I don't but then again, I would expect them to ask me later, in order to maintain the goodwill.

[jivecat]

Occasionally it has happened to me where I am asked by someone standing next to the fountain and I'll say "yeah, just let me get a drink of water first" and when I turn around she'll be dancing with someone else . I'm willing to accept that she didn't hear me though or that not everyone works on the same rules I do (which is fine, it isn't that big a deal).

I've done this. But only because in the past I've had guys say they are going to dance with me when they've just done....whatever......only to find that they clearly have no intention of coming back to find me and it was just the rudest, most humiliating form of brush-off that came to their mind at the time. I only intend to get left standing there waiting like a prat once, so, now, if anyone agrees to dance with me and then disappears, so do I. But I wouldn't do it if it was someone I know well as I would assume they were being straight with me when they agreed to dance.

The responses Snow White is receiving are not normal in Modern Jive. In general guys do not turn ladies down for a dance. Once in a while, but not like this

Look at the evidence on this thread. Being turned down for a dance is completely normal and run of the mill, though I am a bit shocked to find that it apparently happens to young, pretty women who are also fab dancers. Whether it's nice as well as normal is a completely different matter.

Somebody is being nasty, very nasty. And they're telling other people to be nasty too This is bullying, no question.

I don't think it's bullying unless the intention is to act destructively towards a targetted individual. All the instances mentioned on this thread might be arrogant, rude, offensive, inconsiderate or unkind but not, IMO, bullying.