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Thread: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

  1. #21
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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    Quote Originally Posted by Groovemeister View Post
    Thank you
    Acquired a little helper, have we?

  2. #22
    Registered User killingtime's Avatar
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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    Quote Originally Posted by TheTramp View Post
    Personally, I hold a grudge. After I've asked someone twice, and been turned down, I just assume that they don't want to dance with me, and don't bother asking them again.
    Likewise, though it's only happened with one person. She turned me down because she was resting and then danced with someone else to the same track and then she turned me down because she didn't want to dance to a track and then danced with someone else to it. After turning me down on another night twice as well I decided that I wouldn't ask her again.

    However she recently asked me and, even if the dances weren't lovely (which, alas, they were) I'd still ask her to dance again now. All if forgiven and forgotten.

    I have to say that I may have reacted differently if I was turned down in the way Snow White was (being lead on to the dance floor and then left there ).

    Quote Originally Posted by Shodan View Post
    As a guy, I must confess that some rare tracks I *have* to dance with a specific person if they are available. This is purely because that specific track gives an emotional/personal/brings back memories response to me and the person involved and thus makes the dance more enjoyable for me and that person. If I know that person isnt there, then I'll dance that specific track with anybody.
    Yup, Smooth by Santana for me.

  3. #23
    Registered User Magic Hans's Avatar
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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    Hold a grudge? No
    Forgive? Yes
    Forget? No

    So, like some previous posters, I wouldn't forget. It does hurt (at least a little) to be refused. It is also not wonderfully pleasant to dance with someone who is really only dancing to the music ... and nothing else .... like .... errrr ... me.

    Where I would not bother asking someone who made no effort to dance /with/ me, I might take two or three refusals before getting the message when asking.

  4. #24
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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    What do you do to people that I'm missing?

    I was gobsmacked by the nasty comment you got on Hug Day, because it's not true and I've seen you dance and danced with you and can't think of any valid reason to refuse you.

  5. #25
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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    The only time I have heard a man say no, it's been a good friend of mine who knew I wouldn't be offended if he said "Can I sit this one out, I'm shattered." Which is fine, because guys can be in demand on a night out. But I've always been asked by them later.

    I once refused a guy a dance and he's not spoken to me since (not that I mind that much) But it was the first time I'd ever seen a ceroc class, I had come along to watch, and hadn't taken part. I knew no moves at all, and had seen him dancing, so my instant response was 'Sorry, but it's my first time here and I've only been watching. I don't actually know any moves." He walked off. Strange thing is, he came back the same evening and asked me again! I later heard him say "I've only been refused two dances in my entire life, and both by 'her'" (pointing to me). Sometimes people don't accept a valid response.

    Having said that, I haven't been refused a dance in the rude ways you've described. It's not acceptable. If that's all you've got to dance with in an evening, I am very sorry for you. I know some wonderful dancers who are so very kind. It's not fair that a few morons spoil people's evenings.

    If you are really deturmined to have a dance, ask them in front of a few of your friends. People are less likely to say no in front of others, because that kind of reputation gets around.

  6. #26
    Registered User David Franklin's Avatar
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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    Quote Originally Posted by Genie View Post
    If you are really deturmined to have a dance, ask them in front of a few of your friends. People are less likely to say no in front of others, because that kind of reputation gets around.
    I don't get this. What on earth is the point of pressuring someone who doesn't want to dance with you? Are you really going to get any kind of enjoyment out of a dance like that?

  7. #27
    Basically lazy robd's Avatar
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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    One thing this thread suggests to me is that perception of following ability is just a minor factor in the decision to refuse a dance. SnowWhite is a wonderful follower (as others have already attested) and I believe that the people who are missing out by not dancing with her are those doing the refusing.

    Personally I do hold a grudge if I am refused without reason, especially if I have never danced with that person. It's not the most sensible or rational reaction but just the way I am. However, I am also lucky in being
    * a leader
    * someone that quite a few people enjoy dancing with
    meaning that I don't face the same situation as SnowWhite and others in having to ask for dances for the majority of the evening.

    Robert

  8. #28
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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    Quote Originally Posted by drathzel View Post
    but i normally do it three times



    Quote Originally Posted by Magic Hans View Post
    Hold a grudge? No
    Forgive? Yes
    Forget? No
    Absol Bl00dy Lutely - well I am a Scorpion

  9. #29
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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    Quote Originally Posted by David Franklin View Post
    I don't get this. What on earth is the point of pressuring someone who doesn't want to dance with you? Are you really going to get any kind of enjoyment out of a dance like that?
    Personally? No. I was referring to the comments about there being very few other dancers to dance with, so not really having a choice.

    I am lucky, having three nights a week with lots of wonderful men who are really lovely to dance with and a pleasure to know. But some venues have a shortage of men altogether, from what I hear. I have been pressured into dancing with men I would rather not, but that's ok because I can dance with many more men I do like to dance with. If you don't have that option, you can either chase them or give up dancing... neither of which is a good option

  10. #30
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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    Heres a thought though. . . .

    Long time ago I used to dance with a woman who didn't like a couple of the other ladies in a venue and it was sort of an unwritten rule that I couldn't dance with them.
    Never really got the to the bottom of that but even after I stopped dancing with the woman the old taboos remained.

    Fortunately these taboos have gone now but it makes you (well me actually) wonder if people that refuse to dance with or avoid you have an ulterior motive or hidden agenda or maybe just some bad information?

    Catcher in the Rye time!

    Personally I feel pretty bloody stupid for listening in the first place but it's what you do ain't it.




    I'm not alone here surely?


    Hellooooooooo! . . . . . ooooooo . . . . . . . oooooooooooooo!


    Oh maybe I am. . .

  11. #31
    Lovely Moderator ducasi's Avatar
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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    Quote Originally Posted by SnowWhite View Post
    This decision seems to have coincided with an increase in the times I have been refused dances (both by people I've danced with before, and those I haven't)
    This makes no sense to me at all.

    I guess some guys are simply stupid, blind, and rude.

    I am lucky that I have very rarely experienced the rudeness you have. I guess women are just more likely to have a measure of human decency, or I'm good at picking those that do.

    For the few who have (IMO) turned me down in a rude manner, I simply will not ask them again. It's not about holding a grudge, it's about having some self-pride. I'm not going to risk the hurt of another refusal when I could be dancing with someone who does want to dance with me.


    On your specific questions, with respect to people who have simply been rude to me...

    Do we forgive and forget? I forgive, but try not to forget.

    Do we hold a grudge and never give them the time of day again? I don't hold grudges, but I won't waste my time.

    Do we sit patiently and wait and hope to be asked? I won't sit and wait and hope, instead I'll go find someone who is happy to dance with me. Better all round.

    Do we only ask those we know? I suppose on an average night, most of the people I'll ask I've danced with before. I'm always watching out for new people to ask though.

    And how do we walk the line between being predatory and being standoffish ... I don't think there's anything predatory about asking people to dance. That's what we're all there for, and being asked shouldn't come as a surprise for anyone. Stand-offish is definitely bad though.

    I guess the answer is to mostly ask those you know, and occasionally ask new guys who look like they have some feelings for others.
    Let your mind go and your body will follow. – Steve Martin, LA Story

  12. #32
    Senior Member Minnie M's Avatar
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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    There are two men that have repeatedly turned me down and both of these men have blatently danced with someone else after refusing me - one is a ceroc teacher too and yes - I do bear a grudge

    For goodness sake it is only a dance - what is their problem


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    Mickey Mouse's girlfriend, Minnie, made her film debut, along with Mickey, in "Steamboat Willie" on November 18, 1928.
    That date is recognized as her official birthday.

  13. #33
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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?



    I SOOOO know what Sara is saying, and she and I have sat many a night at dancing wondering why on earth we are so unlucky in the not being asked / being refused stakes .Neither of us are shy in doing the asking but it does make you question yourself when it keeps on happening!

    I think I have said it before that since I have moved to the Midlands I have been refused even more than I ever did when lived and danced in London.. One of the other things that hack me off is when you go to say, a weekender and catch up with "old friends". They say it's lovely to see you blah blah blah but when it comes to grabbing a dance, they are either "too busy, dancing with somebody else or just about to leave"..makes me seriously think about changing my perfume!

    That's one of the reasons why I am brushing up my skills as a leader...at least then I can grab some of my female friends in order to enjoy a few extra tracks and so as not to become too demoralised.

    Can anyone beat this one?
    As a woman and seeking a potential "victim" and approaching him to nicely ask him for a dance, only to be told that he has just promised this track to someone else and then watch him march onto the dance floor....to dance with ANOTHER MAN!!!!!!!!

    BEAUTIFUL!!!




    P.S Sara..wanna dance?

  14. #34

    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    Quote Originally Posted by angelique View Post
    That's one of the reasons why I am brushing up my skills as a leader...at least then I can grab some of my female friends in order to enjoy a few extra tracks and so as not to become too demoralised
    I got refused for the first time on Tuesday, so I asked one of the lovely lady taxi-dancers if she would dance with me....and she did, and it was lovely!

    And the reason I was refused was because a man saw my husband turn me down, so he decided it would be better to follow his example and refuse me to show "solidarity with the brothers"!

    And the reason my husband turned me down?....well he's just a plonker and says he didn't understand the question!!!

    I'm not holding a grudge against my husband, but won't be asking the other guy to dance again in the near future. Grrrrr.....

  15. #35
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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    I don't think I've ever been refused without good reason. I think I'm a bit hard to turn down - not due to being the best dancer or anything like that, but because I tend to be a bit overwhelming when I pounce and they find it hard to refuse me!

    Having said that, I did get annoyed with someone - a friend - last week, not for a refusal but for buggering off in the middle of a dance, not following up with another complete one and not coming back to me later.

    I haven't forgotten.
    He will have to be the one to ask me next.
    I do bear a grudge.

  16. #36
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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    Quote Originally Posted by SnowWhite View Post
    I'd prefer to dance this track with someone I like.
    I think you just use me for dancing...
    No. (no apology, no explanation, nothing)

    I've also been looked up and down, then told - No thanks!
    I've even been taken onto the dance floor, then the guy walked away and left me there!

    I also get the usual - I was just going to dance with someone else... (never to be seen again!)
    I'm resting - only for the guy to dance with someone else.
    Somebody hold my coat!

    This post has really upset me. And made me quite angry too, but mostly I feel hurt for Snow White.

    The responses Snow White is receiving are not normal in Modern Jive. In general guys do not turn ladies down for a dance. Once in a while, but not like this. Somebody is being nasty, very nasty. And they're telling other people to be nasty too This is bullying, no question. And bullies only understand one thing.

    I've never been bullied, but one of my daughters has. I read up a lot about bullying. One of the things a bully is good at is picking their victims. The trick is to stop being one. Don't react to their bullying behavior. If Snow White's bully is on the forum they will love the post at the start of this thread

    My advice to Snow White is to keep your own counsel. Only let people you really trust know you have a problem. The other thing is to talk to the guys who have treated you so badly, speak to them on their own and tell them how much it hurt when they did what they did or said what they said.

    What I want to know is what your dwarves were doing while all this was going on? Do you need a new dwarf? I qualify in terms of height, but can I be called "sexy".

  17. #37
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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    Quote Originally Posted by Andy McGregor View Post
    but can I be called "sexy".
    Not seriously. No!

  18. #38
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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    Here's a put down for a rude refuser: "You shouldn't refuse charity when it's offered."

  19. #39
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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    Quote Originally Posted by Spin dryer View Post
    Here's a put down for a rude refuser: "You shouldn't refuse charity when it's offered."
    Don't do it. You'd be playing their game. Just smile sweetly and look for another partner. When I get turned down I usually ask the nearest lady. If the next woman I ask saw my refusal, sometimes I say something like "I hope you don't think you're second choice".

  20. #40
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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    Quote Originally Posted by TheTramp View Post
    Not seriously. No!
    Once we've taken as read that I'm short, all dwarves are, we can give me a nice name, can't we? :plead: How about "Funky"?

    And, what should we call the Tramp. He's nearly the right height to qualify...

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