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Thread: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

  1. #1
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    Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    I've realised that I spend a lot of my time on the dancefloor dancing with people I know, or have danced with before - which is great and I always enjoy it. But trying to broaden my circle of dancers I made the decision to ask more guys to dance that I don't know.

    This decision seems to have coincided with an increase in the times I have been refused dances (both by people I've danced with before, and those I haven't)

    I do realise that our over-worked guys need a rest, and I try to respect that when I realise they are cooling down or whatever by saying, can I have a dance sometime when you're ready?

    But recently I've been told the following:

    I'd prefer to dance this track with someone I like.
    I think you just use me for dancing...
    No. (no apology, no explanation, nothing)

    I've also been looked up and down, then told - No thanks!
    I've even been taken onto the dance floor, then the guy walked away and left me there!

    I also get the usual - I was just going to dance with someone else... (never to be seen again!)
    I'm resting - only for the guy to dance with someone else.

    I'm sure others have shared these experiences so,

    My questions are -
    Do we forgive and forget? Grow an extra thick layer of skin and ask again another time.
    Do we hold a grudge and never give them the time of day again?
    Do we sit patiently and wait and hope to be asked?
    Do we only ask those we know?

    And how do we walk the line between being predatory and being standoffish ...



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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    I don't like those responses, they aren't good excuses for refusing a dance. If I were you, I would not ask them again, I'd speak to them politely if need be, but I wouldn't ask them again. What's the point? If they are "too good" to give you the time of day then don't give them the satisfaction of saying no again.

    You never know, they may come and ask you, then you can smile sweetly and say, of course, I never refuse a dance.

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    Registered User Twirly's Avatar
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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    To some extent, that probably depends on how large your available pool of potential dance partners is, and how much new blood comes in. Some of those replies you've received sound downright rude, and I'd be tempted to blacklist them. Particularly if it happened repeatedly. But will that mean you wind up with no-one to dance with?

    I'm lucky in London in that the dance "pool" seems pretty huge. And the guys I've not known that I've asked have on the whole said yes. I've only had a rude refusal once, and I remember and avoid him (though no idea what he's called). If I knew the guy (i.e. he'd asked me to dance a few times, therefore indicating that he liked dancing with me) and he refused me and then danced with someone else, I'd be inclined to forgive as I'd assume there were reasons I didn't know about which lead to his actions. Although I might then wait for him to ask me before I asked him again.

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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    Quote Originally Posted by SnowWhite View Post
    I'd prefer to dance this track with someone I like.
    I think you just use me for dancing...
    No. (no apology, no explanation, nothing)
    dance with someone else.


    Quote Originally Posted by Jamie View Post
    I don't like those responses, they aren't good excuses for refusing a dance. If I were you, I would not ask them again,


    I mean perhaps it's just plain thoughtlessness on behalf of the males in questions. "I'd prefer to dance this track with someone I like." could be re worded as "I'd prefer to dance this track with one of my other friends.. it's her favourite" or something , perhaps he didn;t mean it the way it came out. I don't understand number 2 and number 3 is plain rude.

    If they continually turn you down in rude ways, I'd score them off your dance card. But everyone has off days when they're less that thoughtful.

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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    Quote Originally Posted by SnowWhite View Post
    Do we forgive and forget? Grow an extra thick layer of skin and ask again another time.
    Your regular skin should be thick enough to cope with the answers you describe. You may find it helps if you assume good faith.

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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    Quote Originally Posted by SnowWhite View Post
    I've realised that I spend a lot of my time on the dancefloor dancing with people I know, or have danced with before - which is great and I always enjoy it. But trying to broaden my circle of dancers I made the decision to ask more guys to dance that I don't know.

    This decision seems to have coincided with an increase in the times I have been refused dances (both by people I've danced with before, and those I haven't)

    I do realise that our over-worked guys need a rest, and I try to respect that when I realise they are cooling down or whatever by saying, can I have a dance sometime when you're ready?

    But recently I've been told the following:

    I'd prefer to dance this track with someone I like.
    I think you just use me for dancing...
    No. (no apology, no explanation, nothing)

    I've also been looked up and down, then told - No thanks!
    I've even been taken onto the dance floor, then the guy walked away and left me there!

    I also get the usual - I was just going to dance with someone else... (never to be seen again!)
    I'm resting - only for the guy to dance with someone else.

    I'm sure others have shared these experiences so,

    My questions are -
    Do we forgive and forget? Grow an extra thick layer of skin and ask again another time.
    Do we hold a grudge and never give them the time of day again?
    Do we sit patiently and wait and hope to be asked?
    Do we only ask those we know?

    And how do we walk the line between being predatory and being standoffish ...



    How very dare they speak to you like that. It's bad enough us girls have to stalk and grab all the time, without being turned down.

    If anyone ever gave me a straight 'no', I would ask them to explain why & make them feel extemely uncomfortable about being an ignorant pig.

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    Registered User Tessalicious's Avatar
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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    Quote Originally Posted by Double Trouble View Post
    How very dare they speak to you like that. It's bad enough us girls have to stalk and grab all the time, without being turned down.
    Maybe if you're the type that stalks and grabs, that would explain the being turned down. Guys don't like to be chased, especially if they just want a break.
    If anyone ever gave me a straight 'no', I would ask them to explain why & make them feel extemely uncomfortable about being an ignorant pig.
    And what if they turned round and gave you a reason, personal and difficult to accept, like saying that they think you smell or that they didn't really want to look at you all dance, or even that you're not really good enough to dance that challenging song with them - would you still be glad to have asked that question, and be the one making *them* feel uncomfortable?

    I'm not saying that any of these apply to either SnowWhite or Double Trouble, but if you ask for an explanation you've got to be prepared to hear something that might offend you, because that might be why it wasn't volunteered as a reason in the first place. Similarly, the other person has paid their money to be there and has as much right to choose who they dance with (whether asked or not) as you do to ask them.

    Sure, it's not nice to be refused, but it's worse to be told that you have to dance with someone you don't want to, or at a time you don't want to, or to a song you don't like, just because you have no right to refuse.

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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    I think you've got to use a bit of common sense. It's just not worth taking something so personally. We all have bad evenings (I seem to get them in batches) where one bad experience inevitably spawns another.

    I think you'll find that women refuse the men just as regularly, often for a similar set of reasons, and what's wrong with simply saying 'no, I'd rather not?' Why can't people be honest with each other? We're all adults and I'd rather not hear a long winded expanation of why etc, but instead go and find someone else - why waste the time? Life is too short.

    However, I do get really annoyed with people who say 'XXX refused my friend, so I'm not going to dance with them now', it's just childish, and to me says a lot about the individual.

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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    Quote Originally Posted by Tessalicious View Post
    Sure, it's not nice to be refused, but it's worse to be told that you have to dance with someone you don't want to, or at a time you don't want to, or to a song you don't like, just because you have no right to refuse.
    I've been saying this for years. No-one has a right to expect people to agree to dance with them. The person you are asking, has also paid their money, and has the right to decide who they are going to dance with.

    However, I do generally believe that it is more acceptable to accept dances, rather than turn people down. Especially for no reason.

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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    Quote Originally Posted by Tessalicious View Post
    Maybe if you're the type that stalks and grabs, that would explain the being turned down. Guys don't like to be chased, especially if they just want a break.And what if they turned round and gave you a reason, personal and difficult to accept, like saying that they think you smell or that they didn't really want to look at you all dance, or even that you're not really good enough to dance that challenging song with them - would you still be glad to have asked that question, and be the one making *them* feel uncomfortable?

    I'm not saying that any of these apply to either SnowWhite or Double Trouble, but if you ask for an explanation you've got to be prepared to hear something that might offend you, because that might be why it wasn't volunteered as a reason in the first place. Similarly, the other person has paid their money to be there and has as much right to choose who they dance with (whether asked or not) as you do to ask them.

    Sure, it's not nice to be refused, but it's worse to be told that you have to dance with someone you don't want to, or at a time you don't want to, or to a song you don't like, just because you have no right to refuse.
    FYI....I have never been refused a dance & if someone was refusing to dance with me because they thought I stank, trust me, I would want to know, the same as I would have no hesitation in telling a man I was dancing with that he stank.

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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    Quote Originally Posted by SnowWhite View Post
    Do we forgive and forget? Grow an extra thick layer of skin and ask again another time.
    Do we hold a grudge and never give them the time of day again?
    Do we sit patiently and wait and hope to be asked?
    Do we only ask those we know?

    And how do we walk the line between being predatory and being standoffish ...
    Knowing who you are I was quite shocked to read this

    Personally, I can hold a grudge for eternity but I don't think it's very healthy. I rarely will ask someone to dance who has previously turned me down - it depends on the answer I was given.

    Just knowing that other people get turned down too helps me not feel so bad about it.

    I don't think waiting to be asked is the answer and dancing only with those you know can mean missing out on some great dances!

  12. #12
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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    Quote Originally Posted by SnowWhite View Post
    I've realised that I spend a lot of my time on the dancefloor dancing with people I know, or have danced with before - which is great and I always enjoy it. But trying to broaden my circle of dancers I made the decision to ask more guys to dance that I don't know.

    This decision seems to have coincided with an increase in the times I have been refused dances (both by people I've danced with before, and those I haven't)

    I do realise that our over-worked guys need a rest, and I try to respect that when I realise they are cooling down or whatever by saying, can I have a dance sometime when you're ready?

    But recently I've been told the following:

    I'd prefer to dance this track with someone I like.
    I think you just use me for dancing...
    No. (no apology, no explanation, nothing)

    I've also been looked up and down, then told - No thanks!
    I've even been taken onto the dance floor, then the guy walked away and left me there!

    I also get the usual - I was just going to dance with someone else... (never to be seen again!)
    I'm resting - only for the guy to dance with someone else.

    I'm sure others have shared these experiences so,

    My questions are -
    Do we forgive and forget? Grow an extra thick layer of skin and ask again another time.
    Do we hold a grudge and never give them the time of day again?
    Do we sit patiently and wait and hope to be asked?
    Do we only ask those we know?

    And how do we walk the line between being predatory and being standoffish ...


    I cannot believe that you have had any of those comment's Sara. If anyone is conceited enough to say any of those things to you then don't bother. Life is to short and there are plenty of people out there who are willing to dance with you.

    In more general terms of myself I could not be so rude as to even start to ignore people in that way. I always make sure that if some one asks me I always dance with them at some point.

    I have never been refused in any of those ways but i am sure I would react as I have suggest and never ask again. Life and a night of dancing is to short.

  13. #13
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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    Thank you

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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    Personally, I hold a grudge. After I've asked someone twice, and been turned down, I just assume that they don't want to dance with me, and don't bother asking them again.

    Unless they ask me.

    However, as someone said, if there's only a limited number of people to ask, this might not be a great way of doing things...

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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    Quote Originally Posted by TheTramp View Post
    Personally, I hold a grudge. After I've asked someone twice, and been turned down, I just assume that they don't want to dance with me, and don't bother asking them again.

    Unless they ask me.
    but i normally do it three times

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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    Quote Originally Posted by SnowWhite View Post
    ...This decision seems to have coincided with an increase in the times I have been refused dances (both by people I've danced with before, and those I haven't) ...
    I find this more than a trifle odd. I have left a venue with a bunch of five guys who all agreed that you were the best dancer there, and most ....


    ...Do we forgive and forget? Grow an extra thick layer of skin and ask again another time...
    OTOH If the last words I heard from a partner were "don't wate you time asking " I would certainly not ask again.

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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    Quote Originally Posted by DavidJames View Post
    My rule is to ask once, and only once, per evening. I figure that I've expressed my interest - if she turns me down once, it's then up to her to ask me next time.

    I don't generally remember who I've asked, who's refused etc. from night to night - I might do if I were consistently refused, however.


    Quote Originally Posted by Ghost View Post
    My worldview
    There's 40+ women in this room. Surely they won't all say "No". It's just a matter of keep asking till I find someone who says "Yes" (which 98% of the time is the first person I ask Don't think I've ever needed to ask more than 2).

    I'm after enjoyable dances. If someone says "No" I assume they're saving me from a lousy dance eg because they're tired. It's lovely when people ask me for dances.

    Have fun,
    Christopher

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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    Quote Originally Posted by Tessalicious View Post
    And what if they turned round and gave you a reason, personal and difficult to accept, like saying that they think you smell or that they didn't really want to look at you all dance, or even that you're not really good enough to dance that challenging song with them - would you still be glad to have asked that question, and be the one making *them* feel uncomfortable?

    if you ask for an explanation you've got to be prepared to hear something that might offend you, because that might be why it wasn't volunteered as a reason in the first place. Similarly, the other person has paid their money to be there and has as much right to choose who they dance with (whether asked or not) as you do to ask them.

    Sure, it's not nice to be refused, but it's worse to be told that you have to dance with someone you don't want to, or at a time you don't want to, or to a song you don't like, just because you have no right to refuse.
    Honest, but so true Tessa - I couldn't have put it better myself. We must be related!!!

    I don't think that we girls have a right to have our request for a dance accepted. We'd do better to consider wisely who we choose to ask for a dance. It can be a bit frustrating when there is a guy on the floor who we would just love the chance to dance with, but we must be realistic. If he is hugely popular with the best dancers who are his friends and vying for his attention, we can't expect to get a good reception if he has already promised most of his dances that evening. It doesn't necessarily mean a personal snub.

    How I react would depend more upon the way that the refusal was made, coupled with whether I felt that the refusal was justified. I ask myself - under what conditions would I refuse a dance, and I have to admit that there may be a number of reasons why. The least obvious, but non-the-less valid reason I believe, would be when I was waiting on an opportunity to ask a particular person, that opportunity had just arisen, and then I was asked by someone I didn't particularly want to dance with. I think that guys do this all the time, and so we shouldn't be too hard on them.

    I agree with Tessalicious that girls who are the grabby types, might have to expect a few refusals.

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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    As a guy, I must confess that some rare tracks I *have* to dance with a specific person if they are available. This is purely because that specific track gives an emotional/personal/brings back memories response to me and the person involved and thus makes the dance more enjoyable for me and that person. If I know that person isnt there, then I'll dance that specific track with anybody.

    I very rarely refuse anyone a dance, as its not dance ettiquette to refuse unless you have a very good reason. You'll only ever get a plain "No" when I'm really tired and need a break.

    Anybody who asks me to dance to "Katie Melua - Nine Million Bicycles" better be a VERY strong & understanding character.

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    Re: Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

    Quote Originally Posted by drathzel View Post
    but i normally do it three times
    Once is my rule - at least, on a particular night.

    Hold on, I just said that up there...

    Hey, at least I'm consistent

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