Everything I know, I learned from Ceroc...

[David Bailey]

Inspired (!) by:

Well go on then, start a new thread! Little enough going on around here as it is... *yawn*

OK, here's the "What I Learned From The Movies" joke - can anyone think of Ceroc equivalent items?

----------------------

1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - - at any time of the year.

2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman, but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off -- even while scuba diving.

5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note -- just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15 cm.

11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them. The Mother will not be upset by this.

12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

15. All single women have a cat.

16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings -- especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

23. Dogs always know who's bad, and will naturally bark at them.

24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks, that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

27. Many musical instruments - - especially wind instruments and accordions -- can be played without moving the fingers.

28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

32. When a woman goes into labor, she immediately screams, clutches her stomach & falls on the floor, unable to walk until the baby is born.

----------------------

I'll kick you off:


No problem in the world cannot be solved by moving 10 partners along.


Next?

[Twirly]

It's always hotter than you think it's going to be.

[Frankie_4711]

While rotating round the class you will stop time after time in front of the one man you really don't want to dance with, and completely miss the one you do want to, especially as you go into freestyle.

[MartinHarper]

... women in skirts or dresses always wear large frilly knickers that co-ordinate with the rest of their outfit.

http://www.jivelive.com/rockbottoms/rb_pix/2006_torquay_june/images/jun-414.JPG

[TheTramp]

... women in skirts or dresses always wear large frilly knickers that co-ordinate with the rest of their outfit.

This isn't necessarily true. Is it Taz? :whistle:

If it's worth going to, there'll be a poll posted about it...

[David Franklin]

Inspired (!) by:


OK, here's the "What I Learned From The Movies" joke - can anyone think of Ceroc equivalent items?Taking it upon myself to go for parallels:


3. All sports bags contain at least one pair of dance shoes.

4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off onto the man's shirt -- even when doing aerials.

5. Just by the fans is a perfect place to hide at a dance venue. No one you're trying to avoid dancing with will ever think of looking for you there.

6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a ballroom latin dancer, it will not be necessary to know how to dance ballroom. Dancing Ceroc with a wiggle of the hips will do.

7. What the teacher is doing with his feet during the class can be seen from even the back of any row.

8. A man will show no pain while supporting the heaviest woman in the room, but will wince when a woman tries to sort out his footwork.

9. When paying for a glass of water at Ashtons, never look at your wallet as you take out a note -- just grab one at random and hand it over. It will never be enough anyhow.

10. If you lose a hand, it won't stop every man in the building trying to drop you using that arm.

11. Teachers routinely prepare an exciting drop as the final move for the class, even though the students never have time to learn them properly. The teacher will not be upset by this.

13. A single portable fan will be sufficient to cool a dancefloor the size of a football stadium.

15. All single women love the catapult.

16. Any person waking from a dance with 'the Corpse' will sit bolt upright and pant.

18. Creepy dance moves coming from an instructor should always be closely investigated.

19. Most people keep a scrapbook of favourite aerial moves -- especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange acrobatic mishap.

20. It does not matter if you don't know a triple step from a cha-cha -- the ladies will wait patiently for you to find out what beat you're supposed to be dancing on.

21. During a very emotional dance, instead of facing the person you are dancing with, it is customary to stand behind them and bodyroll. Repeatedly.

23. Teachers always know who's bad, and will naturally bark at them.

24. When they are alone, all Lerocers don't really care which foot they step back on either.

25. Rather than learning to dance, Cerocoholics prefer to kill their partners by using complicated moves invoving repeated pretzels, excruciating drops, and lots and lots of spins.

26. Having footwork of any kind will make all men forget what to do with their hands.

27. Many dance moves - especially windmills and and accordions -- can be led without moving the feet.

28. All dance moves are led with big semicircles so you know exactly when they're supposed to start.

29. It is always possible to walk directly from your chair onto the dancefloor, regardless of how many people are already dancing in that space.

30. A dancer can only become advanced once he has been suspended from his local Ceroc venue.

31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will ask you if you're dancing Salsa.

32. When a woman goes into labor, she immediately screams, clutches her stomach & falls on the floor, before yelling out "I told you I don't do drops!".

[El Salsero Gringo]

The numbers five, six, seven and eight are sufficient for any eventuality.

[straycat]

... women in skirts or dresses always wear large frilly knickers that co-ordinate with the rest of their outfit.


Um. Trying to think how to phrase this...

A year or so ago, I took a picture of a bunch of female friends who were sprawled on some cushions... anyway - one of the group was wearing a knee-length skirt which ... well let's just say that when we pulled the pictures from the camera onto the computer, I realised that a camera flash will sometimes illuminate parts that normal lighting does not. Parts which really shouldn't have been illuminated. And that the term 'flash photography' had just gained a new meaning. :what:

The large frilly knickers that you mention were, needless to say, nowhere in evidence...

[Juju]

1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - - at any time of the year.

2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman, but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off -- even while scuba diving.

5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note -- just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15 cm.

11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them. The Mother will not be upset by this.

12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

15. All single women have a cat.

16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings -- especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

23. Dogs always know who's bad, and will naturally bark at them.

24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks, that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

27. Many musical instruments - - especially wind instruments and accordions -- can be played without moving the fingers.

28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

32. When a woman goes into labor, she immediately screams, clutches her stomach & falls on the floor, unable to walk until the baby is born.


Best I can do in a post-Southport stupor....

1. If being chased across the dancefloor, you can usually take cover behind a passing Travelling Triple Spin - at any time of the night.

2. All ladies' tops have special necklines which reach up to armpit level on a woman, but only waist level on the man dancing beside her.

3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one pack of “Odour eaters”.

4. Once applied, lipstick will always rub off - especially while Scuba Jiving.

5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, but you won't get many dances.

6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a good dancer, it will not be necessary to dance. The right shoes will do.

7. Nothing of any interest can ever be seen from any window of any Ceroc venue.

8. A woman will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when he asks her for another dance.

9. When looking for a taxi dancer just grab one at random and hand yourself over to them. It will always be the exact same dance.

10. If you loose a hand, it will cause your arm to flail around for 15 seconds.

11. Ceroc teachers routinely teach dips, drops and seducers to their customers every week, even though the dancers never quite know how to use them. The teacher will not be upset by this.

12. Couples that crash will almost always burst into hysterics.

13. A single match is frequently used to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

14. Medieval peasants had better teeth than most Modern Jivers.

15. All single women have a cat. Hence the need to spend every night out dancing.

16. Any person recovering from a nightmare dance will sit bolt upright and pant.

17. One man per twenty women is pretty much par for the course.

18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard is best left to “Advanced” dancers only.

19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends enjoys dancing in Amateur Cabaret.

20. It does not matter how many lifts you attempt - your enemies will dance around in a threatening manner waiting for you to knock yourself out.

21. During a very emotional passage, instead of facing the person you are dancing with, it is customary to stand behind them and fondle their back.

22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, but spinning violently.

23. The regulars always know who's bad, and will naturally balk at dancing with them.

24. When they are alone, all dance professionals prefer to talk shop to each other.

25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to outdo their arch-enemies using complicated moves involving pushes, pulls, dips, drops, lasers and man-eating sharks; it will be at least 20 minutes before their partner escapes.

26. Having a serious dance habit will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

27. Many dance moves - especially windmills and accordions - can be done without moving the feet.

28. All women should be fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to walk off.

29. It is never possible to park directly outside the dance venue you are visiting.

30. A man can only pull off a particularly difficult move once the woman he was trying to impress has moved on.

31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will think you are a total and utter prat.

32. When a woman is approached by an unattractive partner, she immediately screams, clutches her stomach & falls on the floor, unable to walk until four minutes later.

[David Bailey]

{ lists }
Good stuff. :clap:

I was kind of going for more of a "life lessons from Ceroc" theme, but that's pretty good.

(By the way, what happened to Number 17? Is that a secret known only to Ethel?)

[Lou]

I was kind of going for more of a "life lessons from Ceroc" theme, but that's pretty good.

OK.. how about...

You can tell a lot about a stranger from their shoes.

If you don't ask… another woman will jump in there first.

If you want to unwind at the end of a long tiring day, get your partner to lead plenty of returns.

It does matter what foot you step on.

If someone says they're just a beginner, sometimes they're telling the truth.

You can't make a hotshot dance with you. But you can beg him, stalk him, criticise him on the CerocScotland forum, and hope he gets scared and gives in.

You can get by on good looks for one song. After that, you'd better be able to dance.



(By the way, what happened to Number 17? Is that a secret known only to Ethel?)
Ethel knows nothing above 10.

[David Bailey]

Ooh, I thought of a new one:


Signals don't kill people, people who use signals kill people.

[Juju]

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling,
but in rising every time we fall."

Confucius