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KMH
10th-February-2006, 02:19 PM
Although I have been dancing for a while now, I still struggle with asking men to dance. I've got to know quite a few people at the club I dance at and I do ask the people I know reasonably well. The problem is sometimes there is someone I would really love to ask to dance, but I just don't seem to be able to pluck up the courage to do so. Any advice on this would be greatly appreciated.

Lynn
10th-February-2006, 02:29 PM
I know what everyone will say - just do it! But I'm also shy (yes, I am!) and tend to wait to be asked for dances. I seemed to manage to overcome this last weekend though. There was great music playing and I was just determined to dance so I asked anybody and everybody (mostly complete strangers). And it was great, I was very glad I did! I got no refusals and in many cases found I didn't even have to ask, just heading in the general direction of some guys with the clear intention of asking them seemed to be enough and they would meet me halfway.

I probably will go back to my usual 'shy' approach at times but now I know I can do it if I really want to!

So my advice is to just decide you are going to do it and go for it! If they say no (and I'm sure some will at times) then no loss, just ask someone else!

Dizzy
10th-February-2006, 02:34 PM
So just do it. If they say no then you haven't really lost anything as you weren't dancing with them anyway and you can just ask someone else.

:yeah:
At the end of the day, the enjoyment of dancing comes from having good dances with people and are able to make you become a better dancer :worthy:. Until you actually go up and ask these people then you won't get those dances.

It surprises me how many times I have enjoyed a dance with someone who is a random stranger who happened to be on the edge of the dancefloor :wink:.

TiggsTours
10th-February-2006, 02:51 PM
I know what everyone will say - just do it! But I'm also shy (yes, I am!) and tend to wait to be asked for dances. I seemed to manage to overcome this last weekend though. There was great music playing and I was just determined to dance so I asked anybody and everybody (mostly complete strangers). And it was great, I was very glad I did! I got no refusals and in many cases found I didn't even have to ask, just heading in the general direction of some guys with the clear intention of asking them seemed to be enough and they would meet me halfway.

I probably will go back to my usual 'shy' approach at times but now I know I can do it if I really want to!

So my advice is to just decide you are going to do it and go for it! If they say no (and I'm sure some will at times) then no loss, just ask someone else!
:yeah:
Even after 9 years I still find this difficult! I'm really shy (don't laugh, I am!), and I still struggle to ask guys to dance, even the ones I've known for years, but you just have take a deep breath and take the plunge, I still take a deep breath and count to 10 before I ask anyone even now. :hug:

LMC
10th-February-2006, 03:00 PM
I found it hard to start with too, and still do sometimes at venues where I'm not a regular. But with practice, it *does* get easier over time, even if it's still nerve-racking! But the guys are thinking the same remember :wink: Unfortunately there isn't any easy answer beyond giving yourself a little pep talk and just doing it.

You will have "good" and "bad" days in terms of confidence in asking people - don't beat yourself up about the bad ones.

This thread (http://www.cerocscotland.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6175) relates. (And is funny. Sorry, but it is.) Of course, when you've got good at asking for first dances, then you've got all the trauma of asking for a second one (http://www.cerocscotland.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6139):devil:

Lynn
10th-February-2006, 03:12 PM
I found it hard to start with too, and still do sometimes at venues where I'm not a regular. But with practice, it *does* get easier over time, even if it's still nerve-racking! But the guys are thinking the same remember :wink: Unfortunately there isn't any easy answer beyond giving yourself a little pep talk and just doing it. Having some motivation to do it worked for me. The motivation being the great music Marc was playing, I just decided I wasn't going to sit/stand at the edge of the floor thinking 'what a lovely track, I hope someone asks me to dance'. I was going to get up and dance. So I did. It really was that simple, rather surprisingly (it helped a lot of course that it was a 'gender balanced' event and there were men available to ask in the first place! But that's a whole other issue.)

Welcome to the forum KMH!

drathzel
10th-February-2006, 03:30 PM
I still have this problem and i am part qualified to teach (what were they thinkning:rolleyes: ) what stops me asking is the fear that the dance wont be good enough for them, so they wouldnt want to dance with me. I am good at asking people i know but it takes me ages to build up the courage.

My advice (although i should probably take it myself) is to think from the other side, how many times has someone come up and asked you for a dance after working up the nerve to do so, just cus they had been dancing less time than you. I always laugh and say "of course, i'd like that" cuz i know what its like to be in that position, everyone does! Which is why we encourage people to always say yes!:grin:

(did any of that make sense?)

NB:- Lynn you were missed!

KMH
10th-February-2006, 03:38 PM
Thank you its on board and now I just have to put it into practice! I'll have all the men running for the hills at my next night out :really: The mad thing is I've been on two weekenders now and I've not asked anyone I didn't know which means i'm missing out big time - apart from the strangers who ask me that is!

TiggsTours
10th-February-2006, 03:41 PM
I still have this problem and i am part qualified to teach (what were they thinkning:rolleyes: ) what stops me asking is the fear that the dance wont be good enough for them, so they wouldnt want to dance with me. I am good at asking people i know but it takes me ages to build up the courage.

My advice (although i should probably take it myself) is to think from the other side, how many times has someone come up and asked you for a dance after working up the nerve to do so, just cus they had been dancing less time than you. I always laugh and say "of course, i'd like that" cuz i know what its like to be in that position, everyone does! Which is why we encourage people to always say yes!:grin:

(did any of that make sense?)

NB:- Lynn you were missed!
That's not it for me, I even get nervous about asking beginners to dance, even on the nights I'm taxiing, its just because I'm shy. You just have to grin, straighten yourself out a bit, and say (internally) "Right, lets go!" and just do it. I think what this thread should be showing you, KMH, is that EVERYBODY feels the same, its nerve racking no matter how long you've been dancing, how good you are, who you're asking, its just human nature, so don't beat yourself up over it. :hug:

Its always easy to think you're the only one that feels that way, but trust me, you're not! I remember a few weeks ago, I was feeling a bit low, I was feeling a bit lonely to be honest, and I saw a friend of mine sitting at the side, I went and sat down and asked if he was OK and he said "No, to be honest, I'm feeling a bit lonely". I said to him, more because I felt the same, that I doubted he was the only one, he looked at me and said "You're right, probably about 40% of the people in this room are feeling a bit lonely right now", suddenly, neither of us felt that lonely anymore. It is easier when you recognise you're not the only one.

TheTramp
10th-February-2006, 03:50 PM
I think what this thread should be showing you, KMH, is that EVERYBODY feels the same, its nerve racking no matter how long you've been dancing, how good you are, who you're asking, its just human nature, so don't beat yourself up over it. :hug:

Uh huh. There are still some people that I feel nervous about asking to dance, and I've been going for quite a while now too...

drathzel
10th-February-2006, 03:55 PM
Uh huh. There are still some people that I feel nervous about asking to dance, and I've been going for quite a while now too...

that surprises me. I thought you'd ask anyone to dance:hug:

TheTramp
10th-February-2006, 03:57 PM
that surprises me. I thought you'd ask anyone to dance:hug:

Nope. I'm very shy really....

senorita
10th-February-2006, 04:14 PM
Nope. I'm very shy really....

:really: :rolleyes: :grin:

Tinkerbell
10th-February-2006, 04:25 PM
Nope. I'm very shy really....

Yeah right! :rofl:

TheTramp
10th-February-2006, 04:26 PM
Yeah right! :rofl:

It's so true. You people just don't know me very well!!

Asif
10th-February-2006, 04:52 PM
It's so true. You people just don't know me very well!!
He's telling the truth. Undermeath all that bravado and bull$hit, there lurks quite a shy and sometimes insecure person (or maybe even a couple :eek: ).

But he does a great job of covering it up, like a lot of us!! :whistle:

Andreas
10th-February-2006, 05:34 PM
Uh huh. There are still some people that I feel nervous about asking to dance, and I've been going for quite a while now too...
Yeah but you are still 'justabeginner'TM so naturally would lack confidence. :na:

Lynn
10th-February-2006, 08:38 PM
I still have this problem and i am part qualified to teach (what were they thinkning:rolleyes: ) what stops me asking is the fear that the dance wont be good enough for them, so they wouldnt want to dance with me. Me too - with a lot more reason than you! But if they really have that attitude then I'm not sure I would want to dance with them anyway.

I am good at asking people i know but it takes me ages to build up the courage.
With people I know and who I know enjoy dancing with me - I'm totally different. (I asked a guy at the weekend, and did one of those 'walk out onto the floor and spin round to face him at a dramatic pause in the music and stop dead' sort of things - hoping as I spun round that he had actually followed me onto the floor :rofl: He had.)

NB:- Lynn you were missed!But my cold germs were not I'm sure. I really missed going and wanted to be there but was being all sensible and staying home.

Andreas
10th-February-2006, 10:54 PM
I still have this problem and i am part qualified to teach (what were they thinkning:rolleyes: ) what stops me asking is the fear that the dance wont be good enough for them, so they wouldnt want to dance with me.
That is probably the most likely reason for not asking, more so than the fear of being turned down. Irony (?) of it is, if one thinks that the resulting dance may really not be so great because one stiffens up. I too sometimes feel like I can't deliver a good dance, be it because I am 'not really there' or the music just doesn't inspire me. It then makes me feel like I am going through a motion, which my partner at the time simply cannot enjoy because I somehow don't. Could, of course, be my ego. :whistle: :rolleyes: As a result I sometimes rather sit a dance out than go and ask somebody.

DannyFalkirk
11th-February-2006, 08:09 AM
I find it easier to ask a "new" lady to dance if I have partnered her during a lesson. I think because she is no longer a complete stranger.

Would a similar thing help you? I saw a reply on another thread where the man / woman used this time to ask for a dance during freestyle. You could either ask them to help you with a particular move or offer to help them with a particular move, expecially if one of you is having trouble with it.

Little Monkey
11th-February-2006, 12:28 PM
I still find it really scary to ask strangers for a dance, despite having danced for a few years now. Particularly scary if the guy in question is known to be a really good dancer! I just think "Oh no, he's never in a million years going to want to dance with me, and if he does, he'll think I'm rubbish, and not enjoy the dance at all!"

It once took me over half an hour to pluck up my courage to ask a particular guy to dance..... I was petrified! And in the end I just did it, and he said yes, and we had an amazing dance! :clap:

So, although I'm a bit better at asking people to dance now than when I was a complete beginner, it's still rather scary to ask strangers. But as Lynn said, if the music is perfect, it can be an incentive to pull yourself together and just go for it, rather than sitting out, wishing someone had asked you!

Good luck! :flower:

Gadget
11th-February-2006, 10:20 PM
As someone else said on this forum, you must be better to dance with than the chair under their bum.

I'm sure it was on one of the very first threads on the forum by Franck:
Dance etiquette: Asking for a dance... (http://www.cerocscotland.com/forum/showthread.php?t=42)

I used to be intimidated by asking teachers to dance, or asking really good dancers to dance, but I really don't care now: Their opinion about my dancing can't really put a 'dent' in the positives others have said. :flower:

{...that, reinforced with one particular DVD with taken of a freestyle night with some of my dancing on it, where I watched and thought: yeah - I can dance :D... thank you Marc :worthy:}

Ghost
11th-February-2006, 10:33 PM
My worldview
There's 40+ women in this room. Surely they won't all say "No". It's just a matter of keep asking till I find someone who says "Yes" (which 98% of the time is the first person I ask :wink: Don't think I've ever needed to ask more than 2).

I'm after enjoyable dances. If someone says "No" I assume they're saving me from a lousy dance eg because they're tired. It's lovely when people ask me for dances. :clap:

Have fun,
Christopher

Andybroom
11th-February-2006, 11:19 PM
It's lovely when people ask me for dances. :clap:



:yeah: :yeah:

Ask me anytime. I'm pretty unlikely to say no.

Andy

Minnie M
11th-February-2006, 11:27 PM
....... It's lovely when people ask me for dances. :clap:

Where are you ? (location that is)

And will you be at one of the weekenders ?
:flower:

Ghost
12th-February-2006, 12:52 AM
Where are you ? (location that is)
Greenwich

Open invitation for forumites - look for a longhair who bows at the beginning of each dance. You won't be refused. :flower:


And will you be at one of the weekenders ?
:flower: No, sorry :flower:

Dance in beauty,
Christopher

RogerR
12th-February-2006, 10:47 PM
In the Class, ask people you like if you may have a dance with them later, then DO ASK THEM.

If you have invited someone to lead you, please follow. There is one woman (not here) who asks me to dance then procedes to push me about and criticise volubly if I dont follow (I call her Gillette - The sharpest blade ever honed)

Jazz_Shoes (Ash)
13th-February-2006, 01:17 PM
I still have trouble with asking people to dance, but don't remember being too bad when I was a really new beginner. I remember talking to a new Cerocer at Rutherglen once and finding it really hard to believe that she was scared of asking men to dance :confused: All I can say is just go for it, it's the only way you can learn. I can sometimes find it hard to ask people to dance if the floor is really crowded, or really empty :rolleyes: Had this problem a bit on saturday night, but just get on with it, everyone was a beginner once, and it's their loss if they turn you down.

Jazz x

Unregistered
19th-February-2006, 05:42 AM
...and I've been going for quite a while now too...
So my dear little Trampy, you got quite a bit of stamina then :wink:

Can't wait until i see you next so that i can put that theory to the test! :drool:

philsmove
19th-February-2006, 11:48 AM
Have you tried a small glass of wine before you go
Alcohol is a depressant and will slow down you reactions
BUT it also removes inhibitions:cheers:

plankton
20th-February-2006, 06:21 PM
The trouble usually starts with selecting *someone* to ask , then your mind builds it out of all proportion (especially if you are shy, nervous, new etc etc ).

Don't think about it just ask the nearest potential partner repeat until you are desensitised then the *special one* becomes just another dance and you won't be so nervous so you will dance better anyway :wink:

Atleast you probably don't have the problem of asking the one in the middle of three while the other two look on :rofl:

MartinHarper
20th-February-2006, 07:23 PM
Well, don't tell anyone I dance with, but...

Sometimes, when I'm scared, I pick some smallish number, like 5. Then I circle round the edge of the dancefloor, and count off women as I pass. Like 1....2...3...4.... and ask the fifth one. Then it feels kinda like a rotation in class, so less scary.

Frankie_4711
12th-March-2006, 01:54 PM
It took me about 8 months to get up the courage to ask a man to dance (except for the Taxi on my second class - but, hey that's what they're there for!). I found that I was sitting out at least half the dances that I would have wanted to have danced, but thought 'if they're not already dancing, maybe they don't want to' or 'what if they just don't want to dance with ME, or I'm not good enough'. There were a few guys who regularly asked me, and one in particular who I probably spent 50% of my dancing time with, so I felt that I wasn't too hard done by. Then he went on holiday and I thought to myself, if I don't ask someone, I may not get to dance at all! So I started off with some of the guys who had asked me before, just two or three each week and went on from there. Now, I will ask anybody and everybody - I may still feel a bit hesitant with the really good dancers, but ultimately it won't stop me - and I won't sit out a single dance unless I actually HAVE to (eg too tired (which is very rare!), need loo etc). In fact, it is very difficult for a man to ask me to dance now, as I always seem to get in first, or be on the floor with someone else! Making that decision was one of my most liberating moments!

Lost Leader
12th-April-2006, 07:41 PM
Speaking as a man I have a lot of sympathy - most ceroc venues have a gender imbalance (more women than men) which makes things even more difficult.

The first thing to say is that everyone is nervous, especially as a beginner (I know I was). If there are more women than men present then some women are obviously going to have to sit out dances and the men that are there willl be in demand and tend to get asked to dance by ladies who are less shy.

I try to make a point of asking as many ladies as I can but there are only so many tracks to dance to each night. Apart from saying "try not to be so shy" I would offer the following tips:

- try to look as if you are keen to dance (by that I mean stand up on the edge of the dance floor looking around)
- don't spend the evening sitting in a dark corner chatting to a friend or into your mobile and then complain that you did not get many dances
- if you go as a couple sit apart if you want to get more dances with people other than your partner
- do not fear refusal, very few men will say no and if they do (because they are tired, having a drink etc.) most will say that they will dance with you next track