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View Full Version : When Desire and Dancing collide..



Anna
21st-January-2006, 03:05 AM
Okay I have a bit of a well.. let's call it a "situation"..

I appear to have developed something of a crush on a friend of mine from Salsa.. okay not just a crush I genuinely do like him, and I really luuuuuuurve dancing with him (naturally) but.. here's the catch.. catches..


Well first of all he's from Salsa.. and so our friendship is based upon a mutual love for dancing and if I hit on him too much he may freak out and not want to dance with me anymore. :eek:

He's like 26-27 (I don't know exactly) and that doesn't actually bother me as a have a habit of dating people far older than me anyway (:rofl: ) and I am not ashamed of it but it may bother him, especially because people at dance know how old I am

He's the reserved cool "shy" guy... well not all of the time.. but most of the time, so it's hard to read him and I can't tell what kind of signals he's sending me

And what makes it worse, is that on New Years (which is the only time I have ever seen him drink, although he wasn't drunk) he was really flirty to me and occasionally still is but then it vanishes behind the "Mr Cool :cool: " facade again



HELP!

Andy McGregor
21st-January-2006, 07:48 AM
Don't make the mistake of thinking a guy in his late twenties thinks of himself as a grown up or behaves in a way that is conventionally thought of as grown up (I'm 49 and have never been accused of being grown up).

And don't expect him to guess that you're interested no matter how many signals you send him. Us guys sometimes need to be bashed over the head before we realise that someone is keen on us.

My advice is to talk with him and tell him you'd like to get to know him better outside dancing. Ask him if he's free for a drink after dancing, that kind of thing. Us guys are flattered by that kind of stuff.

And the best bit of advice I can give you is, if you really do fancy him DON'T WAIT FOR HIM TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE. It might never happen!

Before you do anything, think about consequences. What's the worst that can happen? He'll say he's not interested/gay/married/in love with someone else/etc and you will then know and get on with your life.

pjay
21st-January-2006, 08:29 AM
Here's a direct quote from an email a girl sent me once... I said to myself "I think she likes me."

"Maybe on wednesday we could go somewhere for a drink after class, just the two of us?"

Maybe you could try something like that

Andy says don't wait for him to make the first move... I agree... but I would recommend something like this which isn't a big move, but I thought quite obvious, and then leave him a couple of weeks.

Hey, Anna, you're in Auckland, I will be there next Sunday and will be trying to go to the Sunday afternoon at Lorne St, it'd be great to have a dance if you're around.

Trousers
21st-January-2006, 09:51 AM
Oh Joy

I remember when 26-27 was 'much older than me'

now its not! Grrrrrrrrrrr

I'm joinin Gerry and the HatTrix next month for their come back tour!

Andreas
21st-January-2006, 10:34 AM
Hey, Anna, you're in Auckland, I will be there next Sunday and will be trying to go to the Sunday afternoon at Lorne St, it'd be great to have a dance if you're around.
Man you are quick :worthy: :D

Good advice though. Same with AndyMcG. However, I am not sure where the 16 years may become a bit of an issue. Even if you (Anna) don't care, and say neither does he. Are there any legal implications with that, which could hold him back?
But if that is all kosher then I'd say follow the advice of Andy's and Jarred's and make a move because if you expose yourself too long to such a misery you may find it too strenuous to dance with him anyway.:flower:

philsmove
21st-January-2006, 10:53 AM
I could not agree more with Andy Mc G ( rep sent)

But if he does refuses the date

Don’t ask him a second time; the ball is now is his court

And most important of all- DO ask him for another couple of dances

The fact he does not want go on a date, does not mean, he does not want to dance with you

Anna
21st-January-2006, 03:51 PM
Aw thankyou all! Excellent advice so far.. *deep breath* okay... i'll do it !! scary haha :eek: will keep you posted as to how this one pans out...

And Pjay if you would like my presence at Ceroc Lorne St, I will be there :) .. what date is it exactly? (I may have to wriggle out of a Salsa practice).. and how will I know its you?

Dreadful Scathe
21st-January-2006, 05:57 PM
Well first of all he's from Salsa.. and so our friendship is based upon a mutual love for dancing and if I hit on him too much he may freak out and not want to dance with me anymore. :eek:


Once you make it clear you want to go out with him, he will agree or not. Its then just a case of both of you being mature enough to take the relationship back where it was as friends if it doesnt work out romatically.




He's like 26-27 (I don't know exactly) and that doesn't actually bother me as a have a habit of dating people far older than me anyway (:rofl: ) and I am not ashamed of it but it may bother him, especially because people at dance know how old I am


Wow. Thats so, like, OLD! I dont know if other guys are the same but when I was younger than about 22 i wouldnt have dated someone much younger than me - as you get older, the fact that teenagers still find you attractive changes your outlook somewhat :). Some men never get past that stage - the rest of us realise that theres a lot more to look for than that ;)




He's the reserved cool "shy" guy... well not all of the time.. but most of the time, so it's hard to read him and I can't tell what kind of signals he's sending me

Dont try to 'read', just communicate. Its far better in the long run :). As for 'signals' - he's not a set of traffic lights, he's just a bloke :).



And what makes it worse, is that on New Years (which is the only time I have ever seen him drink, although he wasn't drunk) he was really flirty to me and occasionally still is but then it vanishes behind the "Mr Cool :cool: " facade again


Communicate with him, its the only way to be sure :)

David Franklin
21st-January-2006, 06:21 PM
Communicate with him, its the only way to be sure :)Well, nuking from high orbit does also tend to clarify the issues!

under par
22nd-January-2006, 02:50 AM
Don't make the mistake of thinking a guy in his late twenties thinks of himself as a grown up or behaves in a way that is conventionally thought of as grown up (I'm 49 and have never been accused of being grown up).
.

AT 5'7" YOU NEVER WILL!:wink:

good luck Anna whatever happens!

Andy McGregor
22nd-January-2006, 03:04 AM
AT 5'7" YOU NEVER WILL!:wink:The strange thing is that although UP is 14 feet tall, his legs are the same length as mine :confused:

pjay
22nd-January-2006, 04:40 AM
Aw thankyou all! Excellent advice so far.. *deep breath* okay... i'll do it !! scary haha :eek: will keep you posted as to how this one pans out...

And Pjay if you would like my presence at Ceroc Lorne St, I will be there :) .. what date is it exactly? (I may have to wriggle out of a Salsa practice).. and how will I know its you?

I will be the one that you don't know :)

Seriously though, I look approximately a couple years older than some guy named Jared with a pic on this web page:
http://www.cerocmelbourne.com.au/crew.html

Anna
23rd-January-2006, 10:06 AM
ah you.. I see you now! ;)

well.. there's photos of me all over this damned forum but just in case you don't find those, this is me too.. kind of.. not really.. not unless the wind changes and catches me trying to pose looking like Posh Spice again sometime within the next week... :whistle:

Tessalicious
23rd-January-2006, 10:22 AM
Hey Anna - what AndyMcG, philsmove and Andreas said up there :yeah: (worked for me :grin: )

But seriously, be prepared for three things:

First, quite the opposite from being 'bothered' by your age, it might be that he will go for that, but for the wrong reasons, so beware;

Second, male dancers often look younger than they are - make sure you know what you're getting yourself in for if you do make a move;

Third, before you make your move, check that when you perceive him as flirting with you, you're not overlooking the First Rule of Social Dance - 'what happens on the dance-floor stays on the dance-floor' (although I realise that in the salsa scene this blurs a little at the edges...)

Most importantly - good luck!:cheers:

Anna
23rd-January-2006, 10:25 AM
haha yes I've already encountered all 3 of those things in previous situations and they are definitely things to look out for.. and despite the excellent advice given on this thread, I still think I will go by my gut instinct and wait a while before applying it. It will be put to use.. just when he and the rest of the salsa crowd trust me a little more and so won't turf me out if he's not interested :D

Andy McGregor
23rd-January-2006, 10:36 AM
ah you.. I see you now! ;)

well.. there's photos of me all over this damned forum but just in case you don't find those, this is me too.. kind of.. not really.. not unless the wind changes and catches me trying to pose looking like Posh Spice again sometime within the next week... :whistle:Nice shoes :waycool:

Anna
23rd-January-2006, 10:56 AM
why thankyou :D what can I say.. Salsa is all about style darrrrrling :waycool:

philsmove
23rd-January-2006, 11:48 AM
;

Second, male dancers often look younger than they are :

This must be one the nicest dance related compliments ever

Another warning

We often act younger than we are, as well :whistle:

RogerR
23rd-January-2006, 08:53 PM
There are hundreds of pleasant things in relationships between the introduction and the final row. Try them all. Start by just extending the friendship, see what transpires from there,

HOWEVER the real latio hunks at salsa nights can include some very dominant and possessive sharks who wish only to move in with you (their visa has prob expired and they need a home withiut their name on it) Once one of these owns you you will not be allowed to dance with anyone else.

Anna
29th-January-2006, 11:46 AM
Our clique from Salsa spent today at the beach and I had to watch Doctor Hotstuff (the guy I'm after) BLATANTLY flirt with this little filipino thing ALL DAY LONG.. :what: ouch!!!

I mostly felt completely indifferent about it but part of me was definitely feeling very bitter and jealous..

I don't even know what I want from him.. about 30% of the time today I didn't even care if he was paying attention to me or not, and sometimes I don't think I want anything from him at all.. until I get the random urge to just reach out and touch him.. that sounds stalkerish I know, but I mean brush a piece of hair back from his face or stroke his cheek like I could if I was with him.. But I can't.. cos I'm not.. it's weird :what: :sick: :(

Lory
29th-January-2006, 01:02 PM
I don't even know what I want from him.. about 30% of the time today I didn't even care if he was paying attention to me or not, and sometimes I don't think I want anything from him at all.. until I get the random urge to just reach out and touch him.. that sounds stalkerish I know, but I mean brush a piece of hair back from his face or stroke his cheek like I could if I was with him.. But I can't.. cos I'm not.. it's weird :what: :sick: :(
Weird:confused: Nahh :) It's just the joys of being 16, I suspect ;) :hug:

Groovy Dancer
29th-January-2006, 01:16 PM
Our clique from Salsa spent today at the beach and I had to watch Doctor Hotstuff (the guy I'm after) BLATANTLY flirt with this little filipino thing ALL DAY LONG.. :what: ouch!!!

I mostly felt completely indifferent about it but part of me was definitely feeling very bitter and jealous..

I don't even know what I want from him.. about 30% of the time today I didn't even care if he was paying attention to me or not, and sometimes I don't think I want anything from him at all.. until I get the random urge to just reach out and touch him.. that sounds stalkerish I know, but I mean brush a piece of hair back from his face or stroke his cheek like I could if I was with him.. But I can't.. cos I'm not.. it's weird :what: :sick: :(

It's not weird, as sometimes you can't help how you feel.:) I hope it works out for you.:flower:

TheTramp
29th-January-2006, 01:45 PM
Weird:confused: Nahh :) It's just the joys of being 16, I suspect ;) :hug:
:yeah: :rolleyes:

El Salsero Gringo
29th-January-2006, 02:39 PM
... part of me was definitely feeling very bitter and jealous..
Ze evil meisterplan of zis Doktor Hotstufff is beginnink to hev ze dezired effekts...

He doesn't sit in a swivel-armchair and stroke his pussy, does he?

jacksondonut
29th-January-2006, 02:55 PM
Hi Anna,

I remember exactly how I felt at 16!! Had a crush/obsession with a gorgeous guy, I remember it well.. It was the most bittersweet, tormenting, heartbreaking time of my life.. and I will never forget it. :tears:

Lets say that first love is something you never ever forget. (I sometimes still think of him.. years later.) It took me 3 years to get over it.!!!:drool: I did have, 'the time of my life' and did a hellava lot of growing up in those years.. the 'shitbag' broke my heart more than once. But that is in the past and long gone. Part of life and me growing up.

These feelings are overpowering, and when I saw this chap I literally could not walk, my legs DID turn to jelly.. heart palpitations, the lot.. unforgettable.
He was definately NOT the marrying kind.!!

Hope it all goes well for you and best of luck whatever you decide to do. While youre young, enjoy life while you can.. :flower: (oh, and as I am a mum, please be careful too x:flower:

Anna
29th-January-2006, 10:40 PM
Ze evil meisterplan of zis Doktor Hotstufff is beginnink to hev ze dezired effekts...

He doesn't sit in a swivel-armchair and stroke his pussy, does he?

I suspect he might



Hi Anna,

I remember exactly how I felt at 16!! Had a crush/obsession with a gorgeous guy, I remember it well.. It was the most bittersweet, tormenting, heartbreaking time of my life.. and I will never forget it.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Lory
Weird Nahh It's just the joys of being 16, I suspect


Weird Nahh It's just the joys of being 16, I suspect

That's 3 more names on the hitlist... :whistle:

TheTramp
29th-January-2006, 11:02 PM
That's 3 more names on the hitlist... :whistle:

Ack. It's okie for you two. But I've gotta see Anna in the summer! I'm scared now :eek:

Anna
30th-January-2006, 03:10 AM
I'm scared now :eek:

You should be :devil:

TheTramp
30th-January-2006, 03:12 AM
You should be :devil:
Run away. Run away.



(Or at least, just not get on the plane to NZ!)

Ghost
30th-January-2006, 04:22 PM
HELP!
Hi Anna,

Got any mutual friends? The safest way, if you’re worried about fallout affecting your dancing, is to get a mutual friend to go and shoot the breeze with them a bit. Talk about the weather, sports whatever. At some point they casually drift the conversation into
Friend ”There’s some cute women here tonight”
Mr Cool “Uh huh”
Friend “Yeah, gotta love dancers – great bodies. Look at that blonde over there (point to random cutie).”
* “And of course there’s Anna. She’s pretty hot, right?”
Mr Cool “Yeah, I guess”
Friend “Ever thought about asking her out?”
Mr Cool “Maybe – Don’t know if she’s interested though”
Friend “I could find out for you if you want.”

* If however Mr Cool isn’t interested then the conversation just shifts safely into
“And of course there’s Anna. She’s pretty hot, right?”
Mr Cool “Not really my taste – I prefer redheads”
Friend “What like that one over there?”
And then quietly lets the conversation drift on to something else. He lets you know and Mr Cool is none the wiser.

The actual conversation used depends on the style of your friend, but adapts pretty easily for either men or women. Given the sociable nature of dance, even if you don’t have a mutual friend, you can probably convince one of your friends to go and have the conversation anyway. Plausble denability left, right and centre and as has already been pointed out, guys are not known for their ability to pick up subtlties.

Dance in beauty,
Christopher

Donna
30th-January-2006, 04:28 PM
Our clique from Salsa spent today at the beach and I had to watch Doctor Hotstuff (the guy I'm after) BLATANTLY flirt with this little filipino thing ALL DAY LONG.. :what: ouch!!!

I mostly felt completely indifferent about it but part of me was definitely feeling very bitter and jealous..

I don't even know what I want from him.. about 30% of the time today I didn't even care if he was paying attention to me or not, and sometimes I don't think I want anything from him at all.. until I get the random urge to just reach out and touch him.. that sounds stalkerish I know, but I mean brush a piece of hair back from his face or stroke his cheek like I could if I was with him.. But I can't.. cos I'm not.. it's weird :what: :sick: :(

It seems like he likes to flirt a lot. Imagine if you started a relationship with him....could you trust him??

LMC
30th-January-2006, 04:38 PM
Realistic imaginary conversation, unfortunately they tend to be just cringe-inducing in print
The Singletons' Sofa needs YOU!

Anna - you're 16. Your dancing means that you spend a lot of time with people who are older than you, but don't rush towards being all grown up. All that happens is that you have to do the proper teenage stuff later in life - bits of which can be wicked good fun, I admit. Unfortunately, it's just not quite the same when you're in your 30s with less energy and more wrinkles.

Be irresponsible. Act impulsively. Be 16 :) - and enjoy it.

CJ
30th-January-2006, 04:38 PM
It seems like he likes to flirt a lot. Imagine if you started a relationship with him....could you trust him??

flirtiness does not equal infidelity.:hug:

Donna
30th-January-2006, 04:44 PM
flirtiness does not equal infidelity.:hug:

You could be right but I was reading a magazine last week and psychologists say that flirting is like having an affair. I think everyone has their reasons for flirting when in a relationship. I think it can be normal and nobody can deny the fact that they flirt in the workplace for eg.

It may be they have low self esteem and flirting boosts their confidence.

El Salsero Gringo
30th-January-2006, 05:11 PM
You could be right but I was reading a magazine last week Ah, well, in that case...
and psychologists saywhat, both of them?
that flirting is like having an affair. I think everyone has their reasons for flirting when in a relationship. I think it can be normal and nobody can deny the fact that they flirt in the workplace for eg.

It may be they have low self esteem and flirting boosts their confidence.Yup. Definitely something wrong with you if you flirt.

Did the magazine say anything about how dancing is like having an affair too?

Donna
30th-January-2006, 05:17 PM
Did the magazine say anything about how dancing is like having an affair too?[/QUOTE]

:rofl:

Nah. This magazine have been in touch with psychologists who specialise is social behaviour. They give examples of the type of conversations that occur between two people in the work place and via text messaging and that such conversations are classed as flirting so therefore having an affair. :rolleyes:

azande
30th-January-2006, 05:22 PM
Can we have an example of these conversations?

Donna
30th-January-2006, 05:48 PM
Can we have an example of these conversations?

It's pretty ridiculous really but they say if couples of the opposite sex discuss things on a personal level such as problems in their lives/relationships then it's a sign that an affair could start.

Rhythm King
30th-January-2006, 05:48 PM
Can we have an example of these conversations?

I can't believe a Latin smoothie like you is looking for tips!:whistle:

Anna

for what it's worth, speaking as a man, we tend to be totally oblivious to what is directly in front of us in these situations :what: . Your best bet is to let him know, and Ghost seems to have come up with the safest option to find out, without dropping yourself completely in the poo, if Dr Hotstuff isn't interested. Then at least you'll know where you stand, one way or the other, and you can carry on dancing at that venue without any embarrassing problems. Those of us that are much older were all teenagers once and can sympathise with how you feel :hug: .

R-K

El Salsero Gringo
30th-January-2006, 06:44 PM
It's pretty ridiculous really but they say if couples of the opposite sex discuss things on a personal level such as problems in their lives/relationships then it's a sign that an affair could start.What about couples of the same sex? And is it safe to talk about these matters to my dog?

Icey
30th-January-2006, 06:50 PM
The Singletons' Sofa needs YOU!

Anna - you're 16. Your dancing means that you spend a lot of time with people who are older than you, but don't rush towards being all grown up. All that happens is that you have to do the proper teenage stuff later in life - bits of which can be wicked good fun, I admit. Unfortunately, it's just not quite the same when you're in your 30s with less energy and more wrinkles.

Be irresponsible. Act impulsively. Be 16 :) - and enjoy it.

All good stuff, but I do remember absolutely hating being told this. I seem to recall thoughts along the lines of "You have no clue what it's like to be 16 in 2006" etc etc. When I was 16 I was in a dreadful hurry to grow up and seem older than I was.

When it comes down to it you're going to do what you want to do anyway. I hope it goes well :flower:

David Bailey
30th-January-2006, 06:56 PM
Ah, well, in that case...
That's nothing, I heard the very same thing from a man down the pub. Beat that.

El Salsero Gringo
30th-January-2006, 06:58 PM
That's nothing, I heard the very same thing from a man down the pub. Beat that.Well, I could always tell you the advice I've been getting from my bedside table. The share tips are particularly good.

LMC
30th-January-2006, 07:00 PM
You're both wrong, the best advice on anything is contained on this great internet forum I belong to...

David Bailey
30th-January-2006, 07:30 PM
You're both wrong, the best advice on anything is contained on this great internet forum I belong to...
Blimey, I didn't know you were a member too (http://www.cerocforum.com/)... :innocent:

Yliander
30th-January-2006, 11:23 PM
He's like 26-27 (I don't know exactly) and that doesn't actually bother me as a have a habit of dating people far older than me anyway (:rofl: ) and I am not ashamed of it but it may bother him, especially because people at dance know how old I am

He's the reserved cool "shy" guy... well not all of the time.. but most of the time, so it's hard to read him and I can't tell what kind of signals he's sending me

Ok I know you aren't going to want to hear this - but you really should leave this guy alone - at least until you are legal - given the age difference if he was to get involved with you he would leave himself wide open for criminal charges - statutory rape at a minimum

he is proberbly hard to read not because he is being "cool" but because he likes you as a person and treats you as he would any young female friend - the other reason he would be hard to read is because you have a crush on him and are reading way more into things than is actually there.


Enjoy your dances with this gentleman, enjoy your friendship with him but leave pursuing him until it's a legally safe

azande
30th-January-2006, 11:28 PM
I can't believe a Latin smoothie like you is looking for tips!:whistle:

... examples of the type of conversations that occur between two people in the work place and via text messaging and that such conversations are classed as flirting so therefore having an affair.
Nah, I was just trying to find out how many affairs I had :wink:

Ghost
31st-January-2006, 12:03 AM
he is proberbly hard to read not because he is being "cool" but because he likes you as a person and treats you as he would any young female friend - the other reason he would be hard to read is because you have a crush on him and are reading way more into things than is actually there.
Valid points


Ok I know you aren't going to want to hear this - but you really should leave this guy alone - at least until you are legal - given the age difference if he was to get involved with you he would leave himself wide open for criminal charges - statutory rape at a minimum


Enjoy your dances with this gentleman, enjoy your friendship with him but leave pursuing him until it's a legally safe
Defending the lady's honour - where's it written Anna has to have sex with him or even is intending to?

Christopher

Yliander
31st-January-2006, 12:23 AM
Defending the lady's honour - where's it written Anna has to have sex with him or even is intending to?

Christopher it is written no where - and that wasn't the intention my apolgoies if it seemed that way.

it is simply that these accusations can be made with out facts to base them on - and if the facts aren't found - then an apology is issued but sadly it doesn't fix the damage caused by them. It's something it seems it is better to be safe than sorry about.

TheTramp
31st-January-2006, 12:24 AM
Unless there are different laws in NZ, then Anna is legally 'safe' having reached the age of 16....

Yliander
31st-January-2006, 12:38 AM
Unless there are different laws in NZ, then Anna is legally 'safe' having reached the age of 16.... my understanding is that 16 is the age of consent if the other partner is only 4? years older than the 16 -but I could be wrong

Donna
31st-January-2006, 02:43 PM
What about couples of the same sex?



Dunno that's what I thought!:rolleyes:



And is it safe to talk about these matters to my dog?


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :clap:

Andreas
31st-January-2006, 10:51 PM
The strange thing is that although UP is 14 feet tall, his legs are the same length as mine :confused:
Are you complimenting yourself here? :rofl:

Andreas
31st-January-2006, 10:54 PM
Second, male dancers often look younger than they are - make sure you know what you're getting yourself in for if you do make a move;
I am not sure if we should feel flattered by the 'often' or feel insulted because it is not 'always' :yum: On second thought, I have been told I look older than the 19 years that I am. :rofl:

Anna
1st-February-2006, 02:59 AM
my understanding is that 16 is the age of consent if the other partner is only 4? years older than the 16 -but I could be wrong

wrong wrong wrong..

I can seduce whomever I choose :wink:

And I hate to sound like a broken teenage record..

But I'm not trying to act older than I am. If I act like I'm 4 years old, that's me. If I act like I'm 64, that's me too. Not trying to be anything I'm not.

The maturity is natural and so is the immaturity, my inner child is alive and kicking - and not being ignored because I'm trying to act "older".

So forgive me for finding it hugely offensive when people bring up the "you're only 16" issue as I know I shouldn't, it just makes me feel mollycoddled (what a word! haha)..

Also, as I don't know any of you in "real" life (apart from Gus and TheTramp) I haven't been able to give you an example of my behaviour as being different to that of a typical teenager :cool:

pjay
1st-February-2006, 03:21 AM
I can seduce whomever I choose :wink:


I'm sure you can try to seduce whomever you choose, however I would think that one is not seduced until after one has acted :)

I think that that issue of "legal age" is something to be considered carefully, as Yliander pointed out there are very real ramifications of anyone even suggesting the possibility of statutory rape.



Also, as I don't know any of you in "real" life (apart from Gus and TheTramp)

I tried to grow this list at the weekend, however it seems that Ange thought it'd be a good idea to close for the long weekend :( - oh well, maybe in May (or perhaps even sooner depending on a whole pile of things going on in my life!)

El Salsero Gringo
1st-February-2006, 09:39 AM
So forgive me for finding it hugely offensive when people bring up the "you're only 16" issue as I know I shouldn't, it just makes me feel mollycoddled (what a word! haha).. Of course you're offended - you're only 16, after all!

(sorry, I'm not helping, am I?)

LMC
1st-February-2006, 09:44 AM
Anna, you asked for advice, if you don't like what you get back, that's fine - but don't then start complaining about it. I didn't use the word "only". Being 16 is not a bad thing. But sorry love (now THERE'S patronising), you just have to accept that you do not have the same "life" experience as someone over twice your age (i.e. a lot of the people on the forum).

What I meant by my earlier post is "stop navel gazing and just do it" - whatever "it" is. That's what your teenage years are for - make the most of them, I wish I had.

stewart38
1st-February-2006, 10:21 AM
what is the difference between Lust and Desire ??

Do men lust after women :drool: and women desire men ?

Anna
1st-February-2006, 11:43 AM
Of course you're offended - you're only 16, after all!

(sorry, I'm not helping, am I?)

Stupid donkey..

and no LMC didnt mean you dear ;) lol whos patronising who NOW eh !!

stewart38
1st-February-2006, 11:49 AM
Anna, you asked for advice, if you don't like what you get back, that's fine - but don't then start complaining about it. I didn't use the word "only". Being 16 is not a bad thing. But sorry love (now THERE'S patronising), you just have to accept that you do not have the same "life" experience as someone over twice your age (i.e. a lot of the people on the forum).

What I meant by my earlier post is "stop navel gazing and just do it" - whatever "it" is. That's what your teenage years are for - make the most of them, I wish I had.


I miss good old Claire Rayner :sad: Have we found a new one :flower:

God when I was her age I didnt even think about dating i was doing hard drugs

How times have changed :sad:

Yliander
1st-February-2006, 11:54 AM
So forgive me for finding it hugely offensive when people bring up the "you're only 16" issue as I know I shouldn't, it just makes me feel mollycoddled (what a word! haha).. I made no reference to you being only 16 - I just pointed out that there were legal implications for him if he was to get involved with you given the difference in your ages.

you say you are adult enough to seduce anyone you want - then are adult enough to consider all the facts and their implications not just your own desire.

TheTramp
1st-February-2006, 12:07 PM
I made no reference to you being only 16 - I just pointed out that there were legal implications for him if he was to get involved with you given the difference in your ages.

Did we establish whether or not this was actually fact, or urban myth? :rolleyes:

Lory
1st-February-2006, 12:14 PM
So forgive me for finding it hugely offensive when people bring up the "you're only 16" issue as I know I shouldn't, it just makes me feel mollycoddled (what a word! haha)..

If it helps in any way Anna, I DO understand your argument, as at the age of sixteen myself, I met my husband and luckily we're still together after 26years.:na: Thankfully my parents trusted my judgement and believed I had the maturity to decide for myself, if it felt right or not! :clap:

And, when our own daughter was nearly 16 she also met a boy, she went out with for nearly 2 years. And I defended her, when people kept saying, don't you think she's too young to have serious boyfriend?:cool:
He was a nice lad and she was having fun, so I had no problem with it at all. :nice:
She's at UNI now, so they decided, off their own backs, it'd be better to go their separate ways for now but they're still good friends and get together when she visits home!:)

All I was saying in my previous post was, (and it's a nice thing really) that aged 16, your emotions are in a more heightened state, one minute you think one thing:yum: and next you can't understand how you felt that way at all. :sick: :confused: Life's one big rollercoaster! :clap:

As we get older, we get far more cynical:rolleyes: which isn't half as much fun, believe me! :hug: So just enjoy the ride!:cheers:

Lory
1st-February-2006, 12:17 PM
What I meant by my earlier post is "stop navel gazing and just do it" - whatever "it" is. That's what your teenage years are for - make the most of them!
:yeah: With a cherry on top! :wink:

WittyBird
1st-February-2006, 12:19 PM
:yeah: With a cherry on top! :wink:

Lory :blush: .......... :rofl:

Donna
1st-February-2006, 12:19 PM
He was a nice lad and she was having fun, so I had no problem with it at all. :nice:

:yeah: If they both feel it's right and they're happy together than what does it matter?





All I was saying in my previous post was, (and it's a nice thing really) that aged 16, your emotions are in a more heightened state, one minute you think one thing:yum: and next you can't understand how you felt that way at all. :sick: :confused: Life's one big rollercoaster! :clap:

Thats very true. You tend to have mixed emotions at that age. If your single, you want a boyfriend. If you have a boyfriend, you wish you were single. We're never happy are we?

David Bailey
1st-February-2006, 12:20 PM
Did we establish whether or not this was actually fact, or urban myth? :rolleyes:
Urban myth I believe - to quote Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Age_of_consent#New_Zealand)(hey, I'm cutting down, honest):
16 (18 if prostitution or some types of dependent relationships)

(I'm not going to make the obvious rude comment, I'll leave that for someone else to do.)

But assuming it's not a dependent relationship (and "dance teacher" almost certainly isn't - not like teacher or doctor, for example), then it's fine.

TheTramp
1st-February-2006, 12:23 PM
Okie. We (Yliander and myself) did actually pretty much establish that it was urban myth (to my satisfaction at least) in a conversation on MSN. Which was why I had the :rolleyes: smiley at the end.

I did a search for legislation in New Zealand (and Australia) on the matter in question, and couldn't find anything that even remotely suggested that once you turned 16, there were any possible grounds for age differences affecting whether or not you had sex with someone.

Yliander
1st-February-2006, 12:30 PM
Okie. We (Yliander and myself) did actually pretty much establish that it was urban myth (to my satisfaction at least) in a conversation on MSN. Which was why I had the :rolleyes: smiley at the end.

I did a search for legislation in New Zealand (and Australia) on the matter in question, and couldn't find anything that even remotely suggested that once you turned 16, there were any possibleLegal
grounds for age differences affecting whether or not you had sex with someone.

TheTramp
1st-February-2006, 12:39 PM
Well, as I also said in the conversation, anything other than legal grounds is purely a personal matter, and I always struggle with any situation where I might be seen as trying to impose my own thoughts on the morality of such a matter onto someone else.

Granted, there will be people that think it wouldn't be moral for a 16 year old to have sex with a 27 year old. There will also be people who think that it's perfectly moral and acceptable. And I think that it depends on the circumstances of the people involved to a greater degree as well....

Alice
1st-February-2006, 12:40 PM
All good stuff, but I do remember absolutely hating being told this. I seem to recall thoughts along the lines of "You have no clue what it's like to be 16 in 2006" etc etc. When I was 16 I was in a dreadful hurry to grow up and seem older than I was.

When it comes down to it you're going to do what you want to do anyway. I hope it goes well :flower:
:yeahthat:
Don't be in a hurry to grow up (that goes for any age!! :grin:) but hey, just trust your gut. You seem pretty cluey- I say, "develop the friendship" while sussing him out, and if it feels good, go for it! The points Yli and others made about the age thing (though this seems to have been refuted) are still valid- just pays to be aware of potential less-than-honorable motives. Plus some people just reckon younger people don't have a clue just because of their age. I often have older friends telling me they're surprised that I have such a "mature" attitude (I'm 25). Just cos I think things through!! :eek: But I figure you already know that.

Good luck, and have fun!!! :cheers:

El Salsero Gringo
1st-February-2006, 01:16 PM
Granted, there will be people that think it wouldn't be moral for a 16 year old to have sex with a 27 year old. There will also be people who think that it's perfectly moral and acceptable.As long as he lets you come first.

Donna
1st-February-2006, 02:54 PM
As long as he lets you come first.


:eek: Anna, where are you?!

Andy McGregor
1st-February-2006, 03:21 PM
Hey Anna, why are you interested in men twice your age? Wouldn't you prefer a man three times your age? I'm 49 that's three times your age plus one. Please regard the one as Lory's cherry :innocent:

Now, I need to get to New Zealand. I might be 50 by then - that'll make two cherries. What more could a 16 year old seductress want? :flower:

stewart38
2nd-February-2006, 11:55 AM
Hey Anna, why are you interested in men twice your age? Wouldn't you prefer a man three times your age? I'm 49 that's three times your age plus one. Please regard the one as Lory's cherry :innocent:

Now, I need to get to New Zealand. I might be 50 by then - that'll make two cherries. What more could a 16 year old seductress want? :flower:

Now I would find this offensive even if said in a jokey manner

I dont find adults dancing in fixed couples as offensive , each to his own :whistle:

Donna
2nd-February-2006, 03:16 PM
Now, I need to get to New Zealand. I might be 50 by then - that'll make two cherries. What more could a 16 year old seductress want? :flower:[/QUOTE]

Ouch!

stewart38
2nd-February-2006, 03:20 PM
Ouch![/QUOTE]


stop the clock are you 16 or 23 as per your profile

Donna
2nd-February-2006, 03:22 PM
Ouch!


stop the clock are you 16 or 23 as per your profile[/QUOTE]

Moi? 23 dear.

Andy McGregor
2nd-February-2006, 04:40 PM
Now I would find this offensive even if said in a jokey manner

I dont find adults dancing in fixed couples as offensive , each to his own :whistle:This is, of course the wrong answer. It was a trick question and S38 fell for it. In a year's time Anna will be 17 and I'd have to be 51 to be three times her age. That's a difference of 3 cherries. That means I'd be minus one of Lory's cherries and therefore much less attractive - come on S38, get with the programme :innocent:

TheTramp
2nd-February-2006, 05:15 PM
stop the clock are you 16 or 23 as per your profile

I think that you'll find that Donna is 23, and Anna (who started this thread) is 16.

Is that what you were confused about?

pjay
2nd-February-2006, 10:03 PM
stop the clock are you 16 or 23 as per your profile

Moi? 23 dear.

Of course Stewart38 I think has fallen for the similar looking avatar trick... (I've had to look twice a couple of times)... Donna may be 23, but it is Anna who is 16 that asked for the advice...

Andreas
2nd-February-2006, 10:46 PM
Legal
:worthy:
But Anna was gonna wait with hanky panky until she is 21 anyways, good girl that she is. :wink: So what was the fuzz about again? :D

Jazz_Shoes (Ash)
2nd-February-2006, 11:03 PM
It seems like he likes to flirt a lot. Imagine if you started a relationship with him....could you trust him??
:yeah: :yeah: :yeah: I had a similar problem, he was a massive flirt and totally lead me on, then he started to ignore me when he found out I liked him and he didn't want to 'give me the wrong idea', it's not my fault if I mistake flirting for well, umm flirting (and everyone else thought he was too, it wasn't just me). Hope your guy is not the same, good luck Anna :flower: :hug: You should give it a go with him anyway, unless you'll never know!

pjay
2nd-February-2006, 11:15 PM
:worthy:
But Anna was gonna wait with hanky panky until she is 21 anyways, good girl that she is. :wink: So what was the fuzz about again? :D

I think we've possibly hit on something that comes down to peoples' opinions - and after all isn't that what "giving advice" is all about...

Some people will think that it is morally wrong for a 26yo to date a 16yo, others will disagree, but probably what is most important in this case is what Anna, the guy in question and the people most important to both of them will think (I disagree with people who say that other people's opinion don't matter).

I think my opinion would go along the lines of this story from my past...

When I was 21, I knew this girl, who was 16. I thought was quite attractive, and we hung out a bit, and there was flirting, and a bit of "snuggling" that went on (but nothing more than that)... after a bit of time I found myself asking questions about the age difference, and for me it was something that was an issue, and as a result I pulled away from that relationship. Even 5 years for me at this point was too far apart... Anyway, about a year later she started dating a guy who was the same age as me, and they're now married - for them the age thing wasn't an issue.

Now this was at 5yrs age difference, and I expect that with a bigger age difference these sort of issues would polarise further, and Anna I would suggest being very careful about this guy - I would suspect (and I don't know him, so this is just the suspicion of a guy who is 29) that with this sort of age difference it is unlikely that he would be interested in being your boyfriend (for noble reasons).

I'm sorry if you don't like this opinion that I've shared, but it is just that, and you should feel free to take it or leave it - obviously you know him better than I do, and I may be wrong, so it is completly up to you whether you want to completely ignore me.

As it is, whichever way you choose, I wish you the best - and hey, while I didn't get a dance last weekend I will be back in NZ later this year and would love to meet you and have a dance then.

Alice
2nd-February-2006, 11:34 PM
after a bit of time I found myself asking questions about the age difference, and for me it was something that was an issue, and as a result I pulled away from that relationship. Even 5 years for me at this point was too far apart... Anyway, about a year later she started dating a guy who was the same age as me, and they're now married - for them the age thing wasn't an issue.

Good post my dear- I've been caught out on both sides of this one- on 2 occasions I've dated guys 5-7 years older and been dumped because they had problems with the age gap (and/or different stages of life). The first one I was 19 (and an innocent one at that) and he was 25. I think it was more the difference in...um...experience levels that was the problem, but he was getting very worried about making me grow up too fast. Very noble of him, even if I didn't really understand at the time.
And then there was a guy who was much older than me (plus he lied about his age- very bad sign) who I ended up dumping cos I had a problem with it!!
Can't win... :eek: :wink:

Little Monkey
5th-February-2006, 10:07 PM
I would suspect (and I don't know him, so this is just the suspicion of a guy who is 29) that with this sort of age difference it is unlikely that he would be interested in being your boyfriend (for noble reasons).

:confused: And why should that be the case???

I got my first boyfriend (apart from boys in kindergarten when I was about 5!:na: ) when I was 16. He was 25. I actually met him and flirted with him (might even have snogged him!:eek: ) when I was 15, but we didn't get together until I was 16. The poor bloke thought I was about 19-20, and was slightly shell-shocked when he found out I was barely legal!

We were together for a year, and we never slept together (true!), as I felt it was too early. He respected this, which a lot of other guys might not have. I was lucky not to be pressured into doing things I didn't feel ready for. In the end I was the one who dumped him. And yes, it was because of the age gap - I wanted to get an education and a career, he wanted to settle down and have a family.

I since dated several men that were quite a bit older than me (5-8 years age gap), and have only once dated a guy younger (2 years) than me. I never saw 5-8 years as a big age gap, particularly as I was getting older myself. At 16, a 9 year age gap was quite big, and it didn't work because we were at completely different stages in life, and wanted different things. But when I was 19 and dated a guy 7 years older than me, it didn't really matter so much any more. And a 5 year age gap when I was in my 20's I saw as being the same age......

So, I guess the older you get, the less the age gap matters. A 16 year old dating a man in his 30's might raise quite a few eyebrows, and cause some upset with parents etc, but a 30-something dating a 40 or 50-something will hardly be shocking!

Just be sure what you want, and what your limits are. Try to make sure he's a trustworthy person, and don't let anyone take advantage of you. You come across as being able to stand up for yourself, so I'm sure you'll be fine!

All the best,

LM:flower:

pjay
5th-February-2006, 10:33 PM
:confused: And why should that be the case???

I'm not saying that it is always the case, I'm saying that I think it's unlikely. This is based on my own opinions and what I have heard from others around my age. For all I know this guy is besotted with Anna, and all for very noble reasons - as I said previously.


So, I guess the older you get, the less the age gap matters.

I would certainly agree with this.

Little Monkey
6th-February-2006, 12:24 AM
I'm not saying that it is always the case, I'm saying that I think it's unlikely.

Sorry, yes I know you said 'unlikely' and not 'always the case'. I guess I was just speaking from my own experience, and that was having men at least twice my age interested in me from I was about 14! Indeed, when I was 14, I had a guy of 28 after me (he was interested for years!), and although he was definitely not the oldest one to have been interested in me at that age, he was by far the most persistent.... He even followed me to London, where I was on holiday (I lived in Norway)!!! So there's plenty of men out there who's more than happy to have a very young girlfriend..... Or maybe I just attracted pervs!:eek:

drathzel
6th-February-2006, 12:35 AM
I, like LM, have always gone for the older bloke, at 14 i dated a guy who was 24, at 20 i dated a guy who was 32 and at 21 i dated a guy who was 39. Age difference doesnt mean anything to me, but this could be as i have never had any friends my own ages, my friends have always been years older than me, i have no close(in age) family, this has made me "older" than people my age. At the minute my closest friend range in age from about 28 to 40. Age is a number, in my mind, how you act is the important thing. I dont see the age gap with my friends and i dont think they see it with me. I do have an occasional "young" moment but my friends are that good friends they just laugh with me.

Do what you feel is right and always ask questions!:D

Alice
6th-February-2006, 07:18 AM
...it didn't work because we were at completely different stages in life, and wanted different things. But when I was 19 and dated a guy 7 years older than me, it didn't really matter so much any more. And a 5 year age gap when I was in my 20's I saw as being the same age......

So, I guess the older you get, the less the age gap matters.
In my experience the main problem seems to be being at different stages in life, rather than the actual age (unless you're talking a bigger age gap, in which case I guess people's perceptions/prejudices might come into it). I dated a guy who was 32 to my 24- we seemed quite suited but in the end we "parted ways" cos he was at an age to be looking at settling down and...I wasn't. (and won't be for quite some time I suspect:)) And there's often a perception of a greater "age gap" between say a person who's studying full time and someone who's working than between two people who are still studying (even if the actual age gap might be smaller).
Oh the fun of it all....:rofl:

Little Monkey
6th-February-2006, 04:50 PM
In my experience the main problem seems to be being at different stages in life, rather than the actual age (unless you're talking a bigger age gap, in which case I guess people's perceptions/prejudices might come into it).

Exactly. Which is one thing I tried (but expressed it very badly) to say in my post.

LM :flower:

Donna
7th-February-2006, 07:27 PM
In my experience the main problem seems to be being at different stages in life, rather than the actual age (unless you're talking a bigger age gap, in which case I guess people's perceptions/prejudices might come into it). I dated a guy who was 32 to my 24- we seemed quite suited but in the end we "parted ways" cos he was at an age to be looking at settling down and...I wasn't. (and won't be for quite some time I suspect:)) And there's often a perception of a greater "age gap" between say a person who's studying full time and someone who's working than between two people who are still studying (even if the actual age gap might be smaller).
Oh the fun of it all....:rofl:

There is quite an age gap between me and my partner but we get on so well. Sometimes it works for others sometimes it doesn't and I suppose most of the time, it's if the male is too young for the woman. No offence, and I've been told this plenty of times by other female friends, but males take longer to mature.

pjay
7th-February-2006, 09:19 PM
...males take longer to mature.


Youth may be fleeting, but immaturity can last forever :) :clap:

Alice
8th-February-2006, 12:11 AM
Youth may be fleeting, but immaturity can last forever :) :clap:
And I for one intend to let it:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: