Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

[Tessalicious]

I’m curious what you guys really do in these situations, having seen lots of contradictions over the last few months regarding the ‘never say no’ ethos – both in type on the forum and in person at various venues. I’m not going to mention names, partly because it didn’t bother me, and partly because I don’t remember them all.

So, for those of you who are prepared to admit occasionally refusing a dance (with whatever non-personal excuse) – what are your real reasons, and do you think any person-specific reason is sufficient justification for refusing to dance with that person?

Although I know loads of you say you never refuse a dance, I want you all to include those occasions when you have crossed the room or gone to the bar/loo to avoid having to refuse someone you really didn’t want to dance with – and what your reason was for doing so (you see, I know your secrets).

Here would probably be a good time to ‘fess up to having refused dances for at least some, but not all, of these reasons – but I am never rude about it, and I try to strike the right balance between enjoying my evening and dancing even with the guys that make me uncomfortable for various reasons.

[Piglet]

Yes - definitely!

The one guy I don't dance with - used to have difficulty finding my hip but not my butt cheek, he stares all the time with a silly look on his face, he has no idea of how unenjoyable dancing with him was becoming to me and after a night of running away from him, my friend suggested I say no to him. So I did and have absolutely no regrets - it took two no's for him to leave me well alone. I know I said I would probably get around to dancing with him again, but I've still not reached that place. (Oh and by the by - some other women are really uncomfortable with him too, but they feel too sorry for him to say no.)

There's one other guy I'm not going to dance with again as well - for probably the stupidest reason going (so I'm not going to post it on here - sorry) - let's just say I'm well upset with him.

[TiggsTours]

Another "other" is that I already have an injury, or am recovering from surgery, or similar, and am only dancing with people I know at the moment. I would always accept this as a reasonable reason to say no.

[JonD]

My other is "looks like she's chewing a wasp all the way through the track".

[robd]

What about "Far too good looking for me"? :whistle:

Can make the lead a bit difficult to concentrate on from time to time.

And the drool makes spinning difficult

[Daisy]

Another "other" is that I already have an injury, or am recovering from surgery, or similar, and am only dancing with people I know at the moment. I would always accept this as a reasonable reason to say no.

Thank goodness you put that one in cos that's exactly what my reason will be when I begin dancing again in the NY :whistle:

[fletch]

Only if you have danced with them before THAT evening and they are coming back for more and you aren't happy.

If I am not happy with the man for any of the above reasons I warn them before the dance.

[tsh]

I think the 'never say no' idea can be taken too far - we dance because we enjoy it, and if someone doesn't want to dance with me for any reason, I think I'd rather dance with someone who does want to dance with me!

Excepting the 'I don't want to dance with you because I don't know you' most of the reasons can be valid excuses in certain scenarios - so long as it's not overdone!

I don't think I've ever avoided anyone untill after several dances which have all been uninspiring - with people who'd been dancing longer than me...

Sean

[Andreas]

I have ticked "did cause injury" and "smelly".

Though, I have not turned down a dance for either of those but I'd accept them as being totally legit.

On the rare occasion I have turned down dances for the following reasons (as far as I can remember):

1) On the way to the bathroom
2) On the way to change shirt
3) Leaving venue

In the first two cases, however, I have also made an effort of looking for that person once I got back; mostly successfully.

As a guy it is easier to have a dance with a person who did injur you previously as one just has to restrict the range of moves. As a follower I'd most likely not dance with that person again, if the injury was due to the followers recklessness.

[jacksondonut]

I guess the only reason for me would be the 'smelly/sleazy option... I can cope with all the others, but personal hygiene is a MUST... :sad::sick:

I just cannot understand how anyone could not know they were offensive...
All the other options i could just laugh off, and sometimes i can have really good conversations AND get to know people throughout a dance!! It just takes a bit of effort to get people smiling.. (apart from the occasional disaster..) for me, its all about having fun.

:rofl: Its a bit harder to laugh, when you are holding your breath...... :rofl:

[DianaS]

I turned a guy down last night and didn't think twice about it It was Fire and I wasn't in the mood
Shouold have danced with him later but just thought why ask a total stranger to dance that intimately with you?

[jivecat]

I turned a guy down last night and didn't think twice about it It was Fire and I wasn't in the mood
Shouold have danced with him later but just thought why ask a total stranger to dance that intimately with you?

Most of the times I get asked to dance to Fire, it's business as usual with a brisk procession of pretzelly things, side to sides and wurlitzers, so it's about as intimate as buying a ticket on the Number 24 bus.:sick: :rolleyes: :sad:

Having had all concept of musicality screened out of their DNA pre-conception still isn't a good enough reason for me to turn them down, though.

[jivecat]

I was going to tick the "Special song" option, but then I thought s*d it, no-one ever saves me a special song, dammit!

I also nearly ticked the "makes me depressed" option but decided that no single dancer was able to make me depressed and if they did, I should be dancing with them to face it down. I think the only ones who might make me feel a bit depressed are the ones who WON'T dance with me. So I try to concede to all requests to avoid visiting this upon anyone else. But for those who ticked that option, I would be interested to know how how a dance might be able to make you feel depressed.

[LMC]

Someone who doesn't look at me for an entire dance makes me feel depressed - however good a dancer they are otherwise. I don't turn them down - but I don't ask them either, I wait for them to ask me, at least that way I can tell myself that they do actually want to dance with me...

The horrid man who yanked my back during the last few bars of a track the other week depressed me as well - not just because he injured me: it was the increasingly complicated moves throughout a fairly slow track with the *obvious* intention of trying to "catch me out" (the smug condescending smile the couple of occasions I missed the lead gave it away). I won't be dancing with him again (and yes, I did tell him that he had hurt me - he didn't seem to care :mad: ) I thought you were supposed to co-operate with your partner, not "compete" with them.

Dancing with someone much shorter than me is always depressing too. Even if they are a good dancer. No good reason, it just is.

[jivecat]

Someone who doesn't look at me for an entire dance makes me feel depressed - however good a dancer they are otherwise. I don't turn them down - but I don't ask them either, I wait for them to ask me, at least that way I can tell myself that they do actually want to dance with me...
I guess I don't take lack of eye contact personally, though I do play the "waiting to be asked" game. In some cases I'm still waiting......
If they don't give good eye contact they aren't an especially good dancer IMO.



Dancing with someone much shorter than me is always depressing too. Even if they are a good dancer. No good reason, it just is.

Fair enough. At 5'2" it doesn't happen to me very often, though even so, I have danced with at least one bloke whose nose was poised just above my cleavage. He made me feel like a fairy-tale princess.:innocent:

[Will]

I'd add - "If you've already danced with them that night".

[ducasi]

Although I know loads of you say you never refuse a dance, I want you all to include those occasions when you have crossed the room or gone to the bar/loo to avoid having to refuse someone you really didn’t want to dance with – and what your reason was for doing so (you see, I know your secrets). I'd tick many as reasons why I'd avoid someone, but I don't think I've ever actually said "no" for any of them.

OK, in my first few weeks as a beginner I turned down one or two people as they were too good, but at that time everyone was too good.

[Minnie M]

I turned a guy down last night and didn't think twice about it It was Fire and I wasn't in the mood
Shouold have danced with him later but just thought why ask a total stranger to dance that intimately with you?
I have turned down dances because the track was so unispiring, it would be such "hard work" to dance with anyone to it - but I ALWAYS go back later and ask them and hope they have forgiven me :blush:

[doc martin]

Although I ticked "Often leaves me feeling battered and dizzy" I still don't refuse requests from my other half.

She has made a good attempt to slash my wrists with a metal hair clasp and, for some reason, seems to think my nose would look better spread more randomly over my face.

But when any song comes on that she considers to be special, I know it would not be in my best interests to come up with any excuses.

[Trish]

I have ticked Sleazy/smelly, Once caused me an injury, and Just don't get him.

I have refused danced with some sleazy men, or avoided them as they make me feel uncomfortable, but actually there are a couple of men I know who don't smell particularly nice, but are nice blokes/pretty good dancers and I will dance with. Perhaps that makes me strange!

The Caused me an Injury bit isn't a general thing. There are several blokes who caused me injuries (including a broken blood vessel in my foot that swelled like a golf ball), bruised me or knocked my glasses off, who I do dance with. These in my opinion were just accidents. There is one bloke who consistantly yanked me and hurt my shoulders, who I warned several times and I don't dance with now (and I'm not sorry about it either!)

There are a couple of guys who I just don't get - they don't get me either I don't think - so it's better that we avoid each other (by mutual understanding) than argue! If they asked me to dance though I wouldn't say no, but I would hope my/their dancing had improved/changed to a point where I did "get" them.

[Zebra Woman]

Oops, I'm not saying this is a good reason OK. This is probably not a good reason for refusing a dance.


I sometimes turn people down because I don't like the song :really: especially if it's a really fast one. I will try and get back to them later though.

Sometimes I just can't bear going through the motions. I'd rather wait and genuinely enjoy the dance.

I also won't always be honest about my reason, I think a stranger who didn't know me would take it the wrong way. Some friends often instinctively know not to even ask especially if it's a song they don't like either.:wink:

This ties in with my driving all over the place to find DJs that I like. I really hate refusing a dance because I dislike the song and try to minimise it.

Sorry everyone :blush:

ZW

[Lou]

I sometimes turn people down because I don't like the song :really:
:yeah: Me too. Particularly if it's anything by Shania.

Or if it's a lovely chap doing the asking to a dreadful song. What a shame to waste a good dance on an awful song.... :rolleyes:

[Minnie M]

I sometimes turn people down because I don't like the song

:yeah: Me too. Particularly if it's anything by Shania.
Or if it's a lovely chap doing the asking to a dreadful song. What a shame to waste a good dance on an awful song.... :rolleyes:
:yeah: (see my post on page 1)

I have turned down dances because the track was so unispiring, it would be such "hard work" to dance with anyone to it - but I ALWAYS go back later and ask them and hope they have forgiven me
Don't feel so bad about it now :blush:

[Whitebeard]

Me too. Particularly if it's anything by Shania.


But even she is better than Kylie's crap.

[ducasi]

:rolleyes:

[CeeCee]

Originally posted by tsh
we dance because we enjoy it, and if someone doesn't want to dance with me for any reason, I think I'd rather dance with someone who does want to dance with me!
Couldn’t agree more.

Originally posted by Trish
There are a couple of guys who I just don't get - they don't get me either I don't think…

Originally posted by Tessalicious
do you think any person-specific reason is sufficient justification for refusing to dance with that person?

Originally posted by Piglet
There's one other guy I'm not going to dance with again as well - for probably the stupidest reason going…


Dancing is about having fun and the potential for mutual enjoyment is paramount.

I can’t think of another social activity where we invite strangers to share our personal space. If someone makes us feel uncomfortable there is no need to excuse it, justify it or explain it to anyone.

We make our own choices so just say no.

(of course, how we choose to say it is another matter but the message is still the same)

[latinlover]

I'd add - "If you've already danced with them that night".


yep I'm the same
there are so many people I want to dance with because I know them and like them and their dancing that I hardly ever dance more than once with anyone (except her indoors of course)in the same night
there are a couple of "drooly" exceptions to this rule and they know who they are......and I hope they find their exceptional status flattering ,because that is the intention

I really HATE "Fire" with a passion (and a couple of others not quite so passionately) and I refuse absolutely everybody who asks me ,without exception, no matter how wonderful they are(actually I may be lying there ,but I daren't admit to it)

I only refuse in the case of "special song" (which ,on a good night at Jango or similar can be more than 50%!) ,and I always try and find the person later to make up for it. Otherwise I always avoid rather than refuse

[Danielle]

Yes!!! I got accidentally elbowed in the eye last night :sick: (and it still really hurts today too :sad: ) so was sitting off the dance for with a napkin full of eye over my eye when I guy asked me to dance - I think I was very justified in saying no at that point!!!

[Lynn]

I'd add - "If you've already danced with them that night".I wouldn't refuse to dance with someone because I already had danced with them that night*. I probably wouldn't ask them, (or look hopefully at them hoping they would ask me), but I wouldn't refuse. And if someone had asked me for a dance, and several hours later I came back and asked them for one and they refused with the reason 'I already danced with you tonight' I would assume it was because they really hadn't enjoyed the earlier dance.:tears: So while it might be considered a 'good reason' it would leave me feeling a bit flat.

(*Though I did refuse someone at Southport who I had already had 5 dances with in less than an hour.)

[DianaS]

Most of the times I get asked to dance to Fire, it's business as usual with a brisk procession of pretzelly things, side to sides and wurlitzers, so it's about as intimate as buying a ticket on the Number 24 bus.:sick: :rolleyes: :sad:

Having had all concept of musicality screened out of their DNA pre-conception still isn't a good enough reason for me to turn them down, though.
Hmmm are you sure:whistle: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Gadget]

I'm missing a "No" option on the poll...
{Below written from my point of view; as a lead - I think that the rules are probably different for followers.}

Boring to dance with - Who's boring? What's Boring? It's as boring as you make it - if you find a dance with anyone boring, then it's your own fault.

Exhausting to dance with - Perhaps plea a rest, and delay the dance. But there are techniques to reduce the amount of energy you expend on dance floor and "tame" exuberant dancers enough to catch breath. Lerrn them. (Ask DavidB :innocent: )

Wrong type of dancer - If you have an "incompatable" type of dancer, then perhaps you should broaden your horizons and learn to dance with someone that wants to dance with you.

Far too good/intimidating for me - toughie, but they have asked you; it may be intimidating, but bite the bullet: what's the worst that is likley to happen? You get some criticism that makes you a better dancer.

Sleazy/ smelly - I don't agree that these to are joined - if someone is smelly, then a delay or posponment of "Yea, after you've changed your shirt and freshened up". Rarely is this a social arrogance.
Slease however is. It's the only one I would cosider being a valid point for refusal for a follower... even then, it's more "Creepy" or "Seedy" than "sleasy": there's nothing wrong with the occasional hot, raunchy and sleasy dance with the right partner :devil:

Often leaves me feeling battered or dizzy I don't know about battered, but if you mean "strained" or with sore muscles, then the probable cause is trying to dominate too much; you have a simple choice of dancing with them as you would everyone else, trying to force them do dance the way you want or relaxing and going with it, trying to minimise the 'strain'.
Dizzyness should simply be a matter of telling the lead not to do very many spins; that you get dizzy easily or are still dizzy from the last dance. I've heard this a few times and respond by try to lead more promanades and linear or sliding moves than turning or spinning ones.

Often leaves me feeling depressed:confused: I'm sorry - I simply don't understand the concept - I've never left the dance floor with anything other than a smile. {Actually a lie - I've had to stop and take a partner off the floor a couple of times :blush: :flower: Those times it's look of concern and deep embarrasment}

Once caused me a serious injury - perhaps, if they are still doing the same things... but if you have recovered and you have both grown more experinced in the interem, would you not give them another chance? Perhaps your dancing has improved so that the risk of anything like that happpening again is neglagable. If it were me, and I saw someone I knew I had injured, I would like a chance to make ammends and prove to them I am not that bad. To be refused for past crimes denys all hope of forgiveness or rehabilitation.

I don’t know him/her? Why? It's against the whole ethos prodominent in MJ venues. If you are refusing on these grounds, then perhaps MJ is not for you.

I ‘just don’t get’ him/herand this should stop you trying? "I'm sorry, I won't dance with you because I can't hear what you are dancing to". :( Perhaps asking them to show you what they are dancing to would help you 'get' that partner. Communicate. Don't just blank them out because you don't understand.

Special song for someone else Sure... if they are there... and if they are free. But this is not a refusal; it's mearly a postponment.

Poor musicMusic is only a third of the dance - you can hate a peice of music with vengance, but still have a fabulous dance to it. You will now never know, and the moment has passed. Is it really so bad that you would rather be sat on your butt than dancing? :what:

If you had already dance with themAnd they are asking you again... :worthy: OK if it's the third or fourth, then perhaps... but I would take it as a compliment. It can always be posponed and refulsals immediatly after dancing with that same person is seldom received badly. {Unless you're antipodean I beleive :flower:}

No: there is never a good reason to refuse a dance.The only 'plausable' reason for point blank refusing I have seen is injury {assides the 'creep' above}. But IMO if you're that badly injured, you shouldn't be dancing - give it a chance to heal.

[MartinHarper]

I turned a guy down last night and didn't think twice about it It was Fire and I wasn't in the mood
Shouold have danced with him later but just thought why ask a total stranger to dance that intimately with you?

I never really understood why folks want to get close to that song. Yes, it's slow. Yes, it's got the "musicality-for-dummies" thing. It just doesn't say "intimate" to me - more like church music than bedroom music.

[ducasi]

"musicality-for-dummies":rofl: :worthy:

[timbp]

Once caused me a serious injury

This is the one that's surprised me most. I can understand if you know someone has caused and injury and their dancing is likely to cause injury in future. But the impression I get from reading this forum (many threads, over several months) is that "once" is a key word. Women in the UK apparently refuse to dance again if they've been hurt once with a particular partner.

[PLEASE NOTE: "you" in this post refers to UK dancers (particularly women), not to Gadget. I just happened to choose his post to quote when I replied.]

At the venues I go to (in Sydney), there are almost always more men than women. But reading this forum, I get the impression that men are in extremely short supply in the UK.
But the forum (many threads, many posters) also gives me the impression that the general response to something going wrong in a dance once is to not dance with that person again.

So, from here, based entirely on general impressions from this forum, I infer that any man who misjudges once, leading to pain in his partner, or dips his partner too close to someone else, will never get asked for another dance.

And so I wonder: if you want more men dancing, should you consider telling them (politely) why you didn't enjoy the dance and how they could improve their dancing?
If you simply refuse to accept dances from that man in future, then, rather than improving, he is likely to give up dancing, and you will be left complaining on the forum that there's nobody to dance with.

Tim

Competing interests: I am a man who dances and sometimes causes pain to my partner through my own errors. So far, they've all still accepted dances from me (and even asked me to dance).

[LMC]

I haven't actually voted on the poll yet because I'm still thinking about a lot of them.

But from a follower's point of view, I do disagree with Gadget on the below:

Boring to dance with: Some leads ARE boring to dance with. First timer who can only remember 2 moves from the class and who would be completely thrown by any attempt on your part to throw in any more but absolutely minimal and non-playing-type styling to keep yourself amused. That absolutely does NOT mean that I would turn them down.

Exhausting to dance with: I agree with postponement rather than 'refusal' - I've danced a few times with a lovely guy who always seems to dance at double time - even to the fastest tracks :what: - but because he is on time, he's quite good fun on some tracks - but never ever ever a slow one... Unfortunately, again, as a follower, there is little you can do about controlling exhausting leads unless you hijack.

Often leaves me feeling battered or dizzy: For the first, no real choice as a follower :( - I would only turn down if I knew it was an experienced dancer who has no intention of changing 'whatever' bad habit. Guys who insist on turning me six times, followed by a spin will get told that I'm dizzy and asked not to do so many turns - or give it a bit of a rest between them, thank you very much. I wouldn't turn them down though, the head rush can be fun as long as I don't fall over :D

[David Franklin]

So, from here, based entirely on general impressions from this forum, I infer that any man who misjudges once, leading to pain in his partner, or dips his partner too close to someone else, will never get asked for another dance.I think there's a difference between pain (some of us older dancers have days when every dance causes us some pain :tears: ) and "serious injury". In particular, if someone says "I won't dance with X after he hurt me" I think you can assume we're talking about more than a little discomfort. Another big strike is when the situation is "X hurt me and didn't seem concerned about it".

One big cultural difference - here drops are seen much more as "optional" and so the attitude is "you can do drops if you want, but you'd better be certain you can do them safely". It's a kind of "dropper beware" - if you lead a drop, you really are expected to make sure your partner is 100% safe. Even then, accidents can and do happen - but I think everyone is mature enough to decide how much it's "just one of those things" v.s. "you stupid pillock".

I do wonder if a lot of the difference is partly due to typical ages of people in the class - the average age here seems a lot older than down under. Having done various aerials classes where you get to see different age groups doing the same move, I notice the people aged 20 or so are very blase about the odd fall, but as you near 40 people get a lot more cautious - injuries take longer to heal, or depressingly often, don't heal :tears:

[jivecat]

This is the one that's surprised me most. I can understand if you know someone has caused and injury and their dancing is likely to cause injury in future. But the impression I get from reading this forum (many threads, over several months) is that "once" is a key word. Women in the UK apparently refuse to dance again if they've been hurt once with a particular partner.



I've had the usual variety of ceroc-related injuries - black eye, split lip, cuts, bruises, muscle strains etc but the majority were complete accidents, or caused by an over-crowded floor. Dancing is a demanding physical activity after all, not many sports are completely risk free. I wouldn't dream of not dancing with people because of an injury - who's to say who's fault it is if I get my face in the way of his elbow, anyway? I'm sure I've dealt out a few injuries as well, and would hope to be forgiven in return.

I'd exclude the worst of the serial yankers from this, but I tend to avoid asking them anyway. I'd probably still dance with one if they asked me.

[El Salsero Gringo]

...the impression I get from reading this forum (many threads, over several months) is that "once" is a key word. Women in the UK apparently refuse to dance again if they've been hurt once with a particular partner ...

{snip}

...But reading this forum, I get the impression that men are in extremely short supply in the UK.

{snip}

And so I wonder: if you want more men dancing, should you consider telling them (politely) why you didn't enjoy the dance and how they could improve their dancing? Good Lord, Tim, that's far too sensible and straightforward a suggestion to appear on the Ceroc Scotland Forum... Moderator!!!!? I say, Moderator!!! remove this man at once.

[johnthehappyguy]

I feel uncomfortable refusing a dance and I have made big efforts in all but one occaison to get the next dance with the requester.

_ The one time I didn't was because the girl was repeatedly moaning about loads of stuff- and had been throughout the earlier workshop.

I just did not want to experience any more negativity from her.

What I did get from the experience was the opportunity to reflect on my own persoana (spelling) , and the type of person I am and how I am perceived.

Every cloud has a silver lining

I now try to gossip less,:blush: and be more positive in what I do and say.



johnthepositiveguy:nice:

[Lee]

I go to Ceroc to dance, so in theory I would try to dance as much as possible, I would politely say ‘no’ to a dance request with the below points:

If I’ve already danced with them that night and feel there are so many people to dance with I should limit the 2nd dances.

If I’m on the way to the bathroom, need a cool down period, change my top or get a drink.

If I want to dance with a particular person to the song that has just started.

I will always make an effort to look for that person once I was ready to dance.

However, there are some people I hate dancing with, so yes, I admit, I avoid them, make excuses or say I’d just promised someone else a dance, over time these people spot the trend and stop asking.

Lee

[JonD]

I got groped last night! It was the Christmas "do" and one lady, who I think has been coming to MJ for about 4 months, got rather too relaxed in the bar. She kept asking me for a dance and I finally submitted, against my better judgement. At one point we did a rather engaging unintentional curved, backward basket walk as she lost her balance and fell against me with sufficient force to move me a few steps (I was trying to use 2 handed moves as much as possible). After the dance she grabbed my inner, upper thigh - fortunately, it was the thigh. I nearly jumped out of my skin. It's only ever happened to me once before (I'm not one of those attractive dancers). Not nice.

Two good reasons for refusing a dance; a pissed and lecherous partner. I doubt I'll refuse her in future though as I suspect she'll be mortified this morning and horribly embarrassed when we next meet. Isn't it wonderful that so few dancers drink, even at the Christmas bash?!

[robd]

I got groped last night! ..... Not nice.

Snap. Happened to me last week. In fairness I had just ended up with my hand brushing this lady's breast :eek: as a lead I was trying went awry. I apologised in an embarassed laughing it off sort of way only for her then to grab my pair of vegetables so to speak :sick: I was quite shocked. I know this woman moderately well and her reasoning was along the lines of an 'eye for an eye'. To my mind there's a world of difference between a move going wrong and an accidental embarassment and a deliberate grope. For this reason I have very deliberately avoided her at the two classes I attended this week at which she was present and will probably continue to do so.


Two good reasons for refusing a dance; a pissed and lecherous partner.

Had one of these last night and couldn't wait for the 3 minutes to end though she did make some rather amusing comments which, I am sure, she'll not have remembered this morning.

Robert

[Whitebeard]

Anything I've posted.

I'm mortified to find that I cannot PM you as you've reached your limit. Obviously you're as popular with the forum at large as you are with me. Have a go at clearing the backlog so that we can continue to bombard you with admiration and praise.

[LMC]

Jon, Rob - PLEASE report these women.

I can't help thinking that if the genders of the participants were reversed then you would already have been encouraged to do so in the strongest possible terms.

Being drunk is not an acceptable excuse - in a social situation, people should know their limits and retain self-control. And I can't help thinking that if some guy had grabbed my breasts in "revenge" for me inadvertently brushing his nether regions (and I have done that once or twice coming out of a spin 'too close' :blush: - mortifying, couldn't apologise enough) then I would call the police.

Groping is just not on. Sorry that you have both had such unpleasant experiences.

[Lynn]

Groping is just not on. Sorry that you have both had such unpleasant experiences.:yeah:

[Lynn]

I would politely say ‘no’ to a dance request with the below points:

If I’ve already danced with them that night and feel there are so many people to dance with I should limit the 2nd dances.

If I’m on the way to the bathroom, need a cool down period, change my top or get a drink.

If I want to dance with a particular person to the song that has just started.

I will always make an effort to look for that person once I was ready to dance.

However, there are some people I hate dancing with, so yes, I admit, I avoid them, make excuses or say I’d just promised someone else a dance, over time these people spot the trend and stop asking. So sometimes people refuse for what they feel as good reasons, and sometimes with an excuse to avoid dancing with someone. I presume that the 'excuse' will be along the same lines as one of the 'reasons'. Therefore the only difference to the person asking is that if its a genuine reason rather than an excuse to avoid them, is that you find them later on. If you don't get to find them and ask them later in the evening, are you sending the message that they are someone you want to avoid dancing with?

Not specific to you Lee, I know that other people follow these patterns as well, but this is one of the reasons why I'm hesitant about asking people to dance. How do you know the person has a valid reason and how do you know if its an 'I really don't want to dance with her, what excuse can I give'? (Again not specific to myself, as much based on comments from other ladies much braver than myself who do ask.)

[jivecat]

Therefore the only difference to the person asking is that if its a genuine reason rather than an excuse to avoid them, is that you find them later on. If you don't get to find them and ask them later in the evening, are you sending the message that they are someone you want to avoid dancing with?


That's how I read it. If I get a turndown I don't ask again unless there's some reason to believe that such a request would be welcome. Or there's some pressing reason to dance with that person, i.e. I'm hoping it's going to enhance my dance development in some way - fairly rare, this one.
Sometimes I forget who's turned me down and what reason they gave, but others I have an extremely long memory for!

[Lee]

AH but sometimes i just don't get time to ask everyone i turned down so i end up playing catch up the following week, and then have to turn people down that week.

Does that mean i'm always upsetting people, or does it just come down to how honest you look when you turn someone down.

It's in the eyes!!!!!!!!

Lee

[Lynn]

Does that mean i'm always upsetting people, or does it just come down to how honest you look when you turn someone down. It depends on how well you know the person. I do ask the guys I know here in Belfast, if they turned me down I would know it was for a valid reason and even if we didn't get to dance that evening I would understand. :flower:

[Piglet]

I just turned down man number 2 last night and he said "OK" so I guess the answer to the original Tessalicious question is

YES!

:D :D a THOROUGHLY HAPPY PIGLET :D :D
(and possibly nasty, but I think I can live with it)

[TiggsTours]

I felt really bad last night.

I got asked to dance by one of the beginners that I've been working with as a taxi dancer, on my night off, just as I met up with a good friend of mine, and a birthday dance was just starting. My friend has had a difficult week, so I wanted to chat to her for a while, so I said to him yes, but did he mind if we danced in a minute, and he said that was fine. I didn't feel at all bad about that, but the next song to come on was one of my absolute favourites! My friend I was talking to asked me to dance with her, and do a bit of steal the lead, so I said yes. Straight after that I left the floor to go over to ask this guy to dance to the next one, and he'd left! I had every intention of dancing with him, but now I feel really bad.

[Lee]

I felt really bad last night.

I got asked to dance by one of the beginners that I've been working with as a taxi dancer, on my night off, just as I met up with a good friend of mine, and a birthday dance was just starting. My friend has had a difficult week, so I wanted to chat to her for a while, so I said to him yes, but did he mind if we danced in a minute, and he said that was fine. I didn't feel at all bad about that, but the next song to come on was one of my absolute favourites! My friend I was talking to asked me to dance with her, and do a bit of steal the lead, so I said yes. Straight after that I left the floor to go over to ask this guy to dance to the next one, and he'd left! I had every intention of dancing with him, but now I feel really bad.

Oh no, he'll probably never come back, one less man to dance with each week. :wink:

Lee

[JamesGeary]

The one guy I don't dance with - used to have difficulty finding my hip but not my butt cheek, he stares all the time with a silly look on his face
Damn. Busted.

[Piglet]

Damn. Busted.
Oh no! There are two? :rofl:

[TiggsTours]

Oh no! There are two? :rofl:
Only two?

[stewart38]

I got refused 3 dances at Funky lush i thought two excuses were pretty poor :sad:

Hey its their right

[Simon r]

I got refused 3 dances at Funky lush i thought two excuses were pretty poor :sad:

Hey its their right


Actually it's a particular group who go to there and to Jango who are so far up there own butt they refuse most people.


so don't worry

I asked three times as was given a blank No!

so do not take it to heart they are a very small minority

Hope you had a good time anyway

[David Bailey]

I got refused 3 dances at Funky lush i thought two excuses were pretty poor :sad:
Go on then - what were they?

(Yes, I could indeed do with a laugh... :devil: )

[robd]

{JonD stuff about being groped}
Snap. Happened to me last week. In fairness I had just ended up with my hand brushing this lady's breast :eek: as a lead I was trying went awry. I apologised in an embarassed laughing it off sort of way only for her then to grab my pair of vegetables so to speak :sick: I was quite shocked. I know this woman moderately well and her reasoning was along the lines of an 'eye for an eye'. To my mind there's a world of difference between a move going wrong and an accidental embarassment and a deliberate grope. For this reason I have very deliberately avoided her at the two classes I attended this week at which she was present and will probably continue to do so.


Just to update on the above - the lady in question asked me to dance on Friday. Having not taken her offered hand she asked if I was ignoring her. I said yes. She asked why. I said 'Because you grabbed my b***ocks'. She said 'Well, you grabbed my T*ts.' I then tried to explain the difference in context of our contacts, she shrugged, said 'fine' and walked off.

One less person to dance with - unless her friends get all cliquey with her. We'll see.

Robert

[David Bailey]

One less person to dance with - unless her friends get all cliquey with her. We'll see.
You've probably earned the name "Evil Grope-y Man" now :eek:

[robd]

You've probably earned the name "Evil Grope-y Man" now :eek:

Given my comments on other threads today, some people probably think it's the truth. Thank goodness for the whistling smiley......

[Cruella]

One less person to dance with - unless her friends get all cliquey with her. We'll see.

Robert
Well thats less competition for the rest of us:D I mean for dancing with you not groping your B*****ks:wink:

[stewart38]

Go on then - what were they?

(Yes, I could indeed do with a laugh... :devil: )

If I said 66.67% of them were forum members would it make a difference :whistle:

[TiggsTours]

Snap. Happened to me last week. In fairness I had just ended up with my hand brushing this lady's breast :eek: as a lead I was trying went awry. I apologised in an embarassed laughing it off sort of way only for her then to grab my pair of vegetables so to speak :sick: I was quite shocked. I know this woman moderately well and her reasoning was along the lines of an 'eye for an eye'. To my mind there's a world of difference between a move going wrong and an accidental embarassment and a deliberate grope. For this reason I have very deliberately avoided her at the two classes I attended this week at which she was present and will probably continue to do so.

I've only just read this quote, and I have to confess to having done this once. Slightly different situation though, there was a guy I used to dance with regularly years ago, and at the time there was a move which was far more popular than it is today. The guy wrapped the girl behind him, then put both her hands on his chest, the girl was then supposed to run her hands across his chest for about 1 beat, then the guy pushed her back out into a catapult. It was a horrible move, and pretty obvious who got the most out of it! (Imagine a sweaty chest, yuck!). Well this one guy used to really take the p**s with that move, and did it once too often, and left me there for one beat too long, and after a while of this, I got a bit fed up with it so thought, OK, two can play at this game, and went for it! He was totally shocked, and never did that move with me again!

That said, I would NEVER do it to somebody who had accidentally brushed past my breast! If I did, I think I'd have probably groped about 70% of the guys I've ever danced with! (and if a sweaty chest is bad? Oooh, it just doesn't bear thinking about! :sick: )

[WittyBird]

If I said 66.67% of them were forum members would it make a difference :whistle:

Oh do tell :eek:

[Cruella]

Actually it's a particular group who go to there and to Jango who are so far up there own butt they refuse most people.


so don't worry

I asked three times as was given a blank No!

so do not take it to heart they are a very small minority

Hope you had a good time anyway
Did they happen to be sitting at the next table up from you away from the stage? He (I'm not mentioning his name) has turned me down so many times over the years, I think it's the novelty factor that keeps me asking. It's a bit like the lottery!!

[Dizzy]

Did they happen to be sitting at the next table up from you away from the stage? He (I'm not mentioning his name) has turned me down so many times over the years, I think it's the novelty factor that keeps me asking. It's a bit like the lottery!!

:yeah:
I hope that we are talking about the same group but that guy always refuses to dance with me too :mad:. I have stopped asking now.

How could anyone refuse a dance with you Di? :worthy: :flower:

[David Bailey]

If I said 66.67% of them were forum members would it make a difference :whistle:
Oh, go on - there might be rep in it...


I hope that we are talking about the same group but that guy always refuses to dance with me too
Come on people, none of this pussyfooting around for God's sakes, it's very annoying. Either name them or shut up about them, blimey...

[TheTramp]

I watched them turn down 3 guys, so didn't even bother going over to ask them.

Maybe I should have.

Maybe I will, if they are there tonight :D

[marty_baby]

Come on people, none of this pussyfooting around for God's sakes, it's very annoying. Either name them or shut up about them, blimey...


I don't find it annoying at all! :na:

Not being there myself - i'm still quite happy to hear people having conversations about the days events!

Very surreal images come to mind on this situation tho! :D

[CeeCee]

Originally posted by Stewart38
I got refused 3 dances at Funky lush i thought two excuses were pretty poor

Originally posted by Simon r
I asked three times as was given a blank No

Originally posted by Cruella
He (I'm not mentioning his name) has turned me down so many times over the years,

Originally posted by Dizzy
but that guy always refuses to dance with me too
I sympathise with you all because these experiences can really spoil what is otherwise a great night.

A friend of mine at Hipsters on Friday night was upset when she asked me what she should do about a particular guy who is a ‘really good dancer’ who ignores her and walks away when she approaches him.

As far as I can see, there’s nothing to be done. If he doesn’t want to dance with her, it's his choice and she should have fun with the many other chaps who are more than happy to dance with her.

She is a sweetie and spends most of the night dancing anyway so perhaps it’s a question of perception. Pay attention to the guys who do want to dance with you rather than those who don’t.

[Dizzy]

As far as I can see, there’s nothing to be done. If he doesn’t want to dance with her, it's his choice and she should have fun with the many other chaps who are more than happy to dance with her.

She is a sweetie and spends most of the night dancing anyway so perhaps it’s a question of perception. Pay attention to the guys who do want to dance with you rather than those who don’t.

Exactly my attitude. Thanks Carole :hug:

[Lory]

Go on then - what were they?

(Yes, I could indeed do with a laugh... :devil: )
Well it wasn't me for definate :innocent: cos I danced with Stewart, Trampy AND SimonR! :clap:

[Icey]

Nor me, I got dances with Stewart and Trampy too, and they were great too.

[David Bailey]

Well it wasn't me for definate :innocent: cos I danced with Stewart, Trampy AND SimonR! :clap:
Well, it wasn't me either, as I wasn't there.

3 down, 1,800+ to go then...

[Cruella]

OK i'll name him, Barry. One of Mike Ellards best friends. As you say it's his perogative to dance with who he wants, i just find it a challenge and amusing to keep asking him. He has said yes to me once and when i mentioned to him that he had turned me down loads of times before and i was expecting a refusal again, his comment was 'well you obviously weren't wearing that hat before!':confused: :what: I guess he has a hat fetish!! That or the fact it covers my face.:tears:
He was a very good dancer though.

[robd]

OK i'll name him, Barry.

So there is life after Eastenders!

[stewart38]

Well, it wasn't me either, as I wasn't there.

3 down, 1,800+ to go then...

I wont name them as thats not the point re they forum members or not.

[David Franklin]

Well it wasn't me for definate :innocent: cos I danced with Stewart, Trampy AND SimonR! :clap:

Nor me, I got dances with Stewart and Trampy too, and they were great too.

Well, it wasn't me either

Um... It might have been me... :blush:

[Cruella]

I got refused 3 dances at Funky lush i thought two excuses were pretty poor :sad:

Hey its their right
I didn't dance with you.:na:
But there again you didn't ask me:innocent:

[Andy McGregor]

‘really good dancer’ who ignores her and walks away when she approaches him.
Maybe he's just walking towards someone else. Some women accuse me of walking away from or avoiding them earlier in the evening - usually while I'm dancing with them :confused: I never walk away from anyone when I see them coming towards me. But I do have a good idea who I'm going to ask next and usually rush over before they get asked by another guy. To any woman behind me it might look like a hasty retreat - but only if she was of that particular mind-set.

Tell her to forget about this guy and ask me. How will you/she know me? I'll be the one rushing in the opposite direction into the arms of another woman :devil:

[Msfab]

Actually it's a particular group who go to there and to Jango who are so far up there own butt they refuse most people.


so don't worry

I asked three times as was given a blank No!

so do not take it to heart they are a very small minority

Hope you had a good time anyway


Pot, Kettle and Black spring to mind Mr Rich :whistle:

[jacksondonut]

Exactly my attitude. Thanks Carole :hug:


Yes, think you have the right idea. I used to have hurt feelings when refused, but now have decided to stick to the people whose body language is a lot friendlier.. :flower: :D

Its pointless having your night spoiled by someone saying 'no', I daresay most of the time it isnt personal.. well, I hope not. :what::eek:

However, I am less likely to ask someone I havent danced with before, for fear of refusal on a few occasions.. It depends on my mood, if I am willing to take a chance and feeling daring, I will 'go for it'.. sometimes, I will just stick with my mates.. having a good dance with a mate is always guaranteed fun!!
:clap: :clap:

[Simon r]

Pot, Kettle and Black spring to mind Mr Rich :whistle:


sorry explain....

[Lee]

sorry explain....

She means you must do it too.. haha

Lee

[Simon r]

She means you must do it too.. haha

Lee

Sorry but private messaging this person.

I do not know who she is and quote " it is not important who i am" apperently does not know me as i have never refused a dance unless
1. knackered and cant stand let alone dance
2. need a change of shirt
3. need a drink

If this is the case i would of course give this explanation and then try to find them after.
Like i said don't know MSfab and this person really really does not know me:sad:

[marty_baby]

Sorry but private messaging this person.

I do not know who she is and quote " it is not important who i am" apperently does not know me as i have never refused a dance unless
1. knackered and cant stand let alone dance
2. need a change of shirt
3. need a drink

If this is the case i would of course give this explanation and then try to find them after.
Like i said don't know MSfab and this person really really does not know me:sad:


...um... are you Simon, of Simon and Lisa, who won the 2005 Britroc Open in Brighton?!

...hehe... MsFab is going to have a shock when she opens up her mail tommorow morning! :rofl:


...I hope this isn't too forward - But she sounds like she was only teasing Simon, and will probably feel terrible tommorow. I wouldn't really worry about it, you come across as a nice amiable kinda chap in real life... and thats what counts

[Andy McGregor]

...um... are you Simon, of Simon and Lisa, who won the 2005 Britroc Open in Brighton?!

...hehe... MsFab is going to have a shock when she opens up her mail tommorow morning! :rofl:


...I hope this isn't too forward - But she sounds like she was only teasing Simon, and will probably feel terrible tommorow. I wouldn't really worry about it, you come across as a nice amiable kinda chap in real life... and thats what countsYes, he is that Simon.

And I've never known Simon to be rude or anything but a great guy. Although we all know he's a bit fat and not as pretty as me :whistle:

[Cruella]

Sorry but private messaging this person.

I do not know who she is and quote " it is not important who i am" apperently does not know me as i have never refused a dance unless
1. knackered and cant stand let alone dance
2. need a change of shirt
3. need a drink

If this is the case i would of course give this explanation and then try to find them after.
Like i said don't know MSfab and this person really really does not know me:sad:
Simon you do know MsFab! she comes to Jango all the time!! I guess that you just didn't realise she was on the forum! It's all these silly secretive names, why can't everyone use their real name like me:devil: Im sure she was only playing with you hun. We all know that underneath that sarcasm and p**s taking exterior, you're just lovely.:flower: Don't take it seriously, i'm sure she'll be upset if she realises you have been offended.:hug:

[wicked blue]

I asked three times as was given a blank No!





There is nothing nice about being refused when asking someone to dance, especially when its more than once...:sad:

[Just Wiggle]

There is nothing nice about being refused when asking someone to dance, especially when its more than once...

:yeah:

Especially when, on the rare occasions, you pluck up the courage to ask the top dancers!

[Lee]

Sorry but private messaging this person.

I do not know who she is and quote " it is not important who i am" apperently does not know me as i have never refused a dance unless
1. knackered and cant stand let alone dance
2. need a change of shirt
3. need a drink

If this is the case i would of course give this explanation and then try to find them after.
Like i said don't know MSfab and this person really really does not know me:sad:

Sorry, I kinda started that off, i must say i've never heard a bad thing said about you, only good stuff, so yer i assume she was teasing, i assumed you had not heard of the 'pot kettle black' saying that's all.

Lee

[Msfab]

sorry explain....

I have spoken to Simon r and explained what I meant by my original post, All sorted.

Its all bridge under the water!

[Divissima]

I have spoken to Simon r and explained what I meant by my original post, All sorted.

Its all bridge under the water!Phew! :clap: I thought I was going to have to bang some heads together....:devil:

[Mary]

I have spoken to Simon r and explained what I meant by my original post, All sorted.

Its all bridge under the water!

Damn. You've kissed and made up far too soon. I was looking forward to a good scrap.:D

M

[LMC]

"I'm going to practise all the pretzel variations I know" (during Fire... and it was the last track :tears: )

Can I turn him down next time? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease... (actually, I'll just pre-empt by asking him on a track which suits pretzels slightly better, I just wanted to have a whinge)

[Minnie M]

A couple of years ago I 'accused' a fellow forumite of rudely refusing a dance with me - I didn't mention his name but gave a clue which a few people picked up on (haven't got the time for the "Harperlink")

I was then, inundated with PM's and quite a few strong posts by my fellow forumites all in his defence

His reason was he was tired, but I hadn't even got back to where I was standing when I saw him dancing with a very pretty young girl.

If, and for what ever reason, you refuse a dance (and of course there may be genuine reasons to do so) - the way to stop offence - is just seek out that person later and ask her/him to dance - it's no big deal and the dance only lasts a couple of minutes :mad:

[David Bailey]

A couple of years ago I 'accused' a fellow forumite of rudely refusing a dance with me - I didn't mention his name but gave a clue which a few people picked up on (haven't got the time for the "Harperlink")

I was then, inundated with PM's and quite a few strong posts by my fellow forumites all in his defence
You've got to be a brave soul to name and shame some people, that's for sure. :whistle:


If, and for what ever reason, you refuse a dance (and of course there may be genuine reasons to do so) - the way to stop offence - is just seek out that person later and ask her/him to dance - it's no big deal and the dance only lasts a couple of minutes :mad:
Absolutely :yeah:
I got asked to dance (!) on Sat at Woking, but I'd already promised the next dance to another lady. So I danced with her, then sought out the first one and asked her - we had a great dance and (I think) she appreciated it. Mr Virtuous, that's me.

Of course, the trouble is, if you don't go and find that person immediately, you're likely to forget, but the other person may not. So, and this applies to followers and leaders, if you put someone off and say "later?", please make sure you actively seek out that person later to dance with.

[Msfab]

Damn. You've kissed and made up far too soon. I was looking forward to a good scrap.:D

M

Honestly Mary do you really think I could stay angry for long? :innocent: Life is too short to be holding grudges and over dancing as well.

The scrap took place in private :cool:

[TheTramp]

The scrap took place in private :cool:

Is there a video?? (And if so, will it ever be delivered?? :whistle: )

[Msfab]

Is there a video?? (And if so, will it ever be delivered?? :whistle: )

Go make your own, Tramp!:angry:

[TheTramp]

Go make your own, Tramp!:angry:

Already did.

I'm sure that yours will be better though :whistle: :flower:

[Keith J]

Yes - definitely!

The one guy I don't dance with - used to have difficulty finding my hip but not my butt cheek, he stares all the time with a silly look on his face, he has no idea of how unenjoyable dancing with him was becoming to me and after a night of running away from him, my friend suggested I say no to him. So I did and have absolutely no regrets - it took two no's for him to leave me well alone. I know I said I would probably get around to dancing with him again, but I've still not reached that place. (Oh and by the by - some other women are really uncomfortable with him too, but they feel too sorry for him to say no.)

There's one other guy I'm not going to dance with again as well - for probably the stupidest reason going (so I'm not going to post it on here - sorry) - let's just say I'm well upset with him.
Very worrying, but absolutely solid reason for saying 'no' to this guy. Good for you. I saw a 'older man' in a very well known Surrey venue obviously getting his jollies by this and other underhand methods. I had some serious words with him, he did not even bother denying it. I barred him from the venue.
I would seriously consider speaking to the event managers as one bad apple ruins it for a lot of female dancers.

[Piglet]

I would seriously consider speaking to the event managers as one bad apple ruins it for a lot of female dancers.
Done! :D Got to say everyone has been very, very supportive!
Couldn't ask for better. So thanks, Franck, Lorna, Linda and rest of the team xx:hug: :hug:

[Anna]

I feel awfully guilty and "elitist" confessing this but the real reasons I have said no to people are..


Because there are others I would rather dance with and I know that if I wait like 2 seconds longer then I may get to dance with them instead.

The guy asking me has no timing/body movement/rhythm/do the same 3 moves the whole way through the song

My feet hurt like they are about to fall off

Because they are of the group belonging to the studio of my LOSER ex-boss

Because they irritate me to the point of wanting to throw myself out the window just to avoid even standing next to them

Because I know they quite like me and its definitely not reciprocated so I therefore don't feel like putting up with them staring dreamily at me and slyly touching my bum for a whole song

Because I don't know them

Because I've seen them dance with other girls and the look on their faces was a mix of :eek: and :sick: and :what: and :tears:

*gulp* because they were.. really really old


That's not so bad though right?! :blush:

I've only turned someone down with a flat "no" once..

and that was on New Years Eve to this latino guy who had been pestering me all night (he really is the most annoying person alive).. I had been drinking a bit because of the occasion (my friend Yama and I who are usually the two "too cool to drink" sober people were the "merriest" in the club, but still only roughly a 6 on the intoxication scale) and this latino would bug me and I'd say something about needing to catch my breath..

then he'd come back and bother me again and I'd come up with a different excuse..

and then eventually when it got to approx the 10th time he'd came up to me and he began dragging my drunken self onto the floor, I could not take it anymore.. I let out a whiney "NOOOOO!!! Just leave me aloooone!! *hides face with hands*" and ran off to the safety of my Salsa Clique. :rofl:


Btw: Post is in reference to dancing Salsa not Ceroc but meh, same difference ;)

[Gadget]

Btw: Post is in reference to dancing Salsa not Ceroc but meh, same difference ;)
:phew:
no - not "same difference"

[LMC]

Am I allowed to turn down leaders who are more than a head shorter than me? It's just not comfortable dancing with some leaders who are that much shorter. Or is that just me? I don't want to have to dance with my knees bent the whole time (or ruin my balance and knacker my back by bending awkwardly).

I don't have a problem dancing with much shorter followers, and even as a beginner lead, think I adapt reasonably well - but then I'm not having to turn so much.

[JonD]

Am I allowed to turn down leaders who are more than a head shorter than me?
I think that would be a bit mean. It'd be like me turning down fat women on the grounds that it can be difficult and awkward to dance with them. I can see the knee bending thing when you're doing turns & returns but if you "think down" you can get that lovely grounded "jazz" feel to them - that's what I try to do when I'm following women who are shorter than me.

(I'm 5' 11" and 12.5 stone so I don't have an axe to grind on either count - but I am a lousy follower)

[Msfab]

Am I allowed to turn down leaders who are more than a head shorter than me? It's just not comfortable dancing with some leaders who are that much shorter. Or is that just me? I don't want to have to dance with my knees bent the whole time (or ruin my balance and knacker my back by bending awkwardly).

I don't have a problem dancing with much shorter followers, and even as a beginner lead, think I adapt reasonably well - but then I'm not having to turn so much.

Im not sure height does matter. There used to be a much shorter guy than me at a guildford venue i used to go to, I always enjoyed our dances (his only trouble was that he was the duracel bunny - really fast but good). I never had my head knocked by him in fact he was one of the only ones id do anything pretzely with.
There were some taller guys that would without fail always hit me on the head, not raise their arm enough for even a return without burying their knuckles in my head.:mad:
If you really feel uncomfortable with shorter leads, then Id try my best to avoid being asked, hide under a table!

[Lee]

If, and for what ever reason, you refuse a dance (and of course there may be genuine reasons to do so) - the way to stop offence - is just seek out that person later and ask her/him to dance - it's no big deal and the dance only lasts a couple of minutes :mad:

I agree. I try to unless it's that 'nasty' Wittybird.

Lee

[WittyBird]

I agree. I try to unless it's that 'nasty' Wittybird.

:tears: You obviously know me really well :rofl:

[Lee]

:tears: You obviously know me really well :rofl:

thank god you thought it was funny, else i'd be dead. :hug:

[LMC]

Im not sure height does matter.
If someone is a yanker, I find it's much more painful if he's shorter - so to be fair, it would actually be the yanking that makes me reluctant to dance with them - I'll dance with anyone once!

The rest I guess is just me. I don't feel good and don't think I look good dancing with bent knees :( - practice I suppose.

[Northants Girly]

I asked a guy for a dance in the Blues Room at Bognor last Sunday.
He said no because he wasn't very experienced in dancing Blues (and he did look abit nervous)
so I thought, well thats OK :)

but abit later on he was dancing - and his dancing looked OK to me :mad:

[dee]

I agree. I try to unless it's that 'nasty' Wittybird.

Lee


:rofl: :rofl:

[senorita]

I asked a guy for a dance in the Blues Room at Bognor last Sunday.
He said no because he wasn't very experienced in dancing Blues (and he did look abit nervous)
so I thought, well thats OK :)

but abit later on he was dancing - and his dancing looked OK to me :mad:

His lost!!...another gained :hug: :flower:

[Msfab]

If someone is a yanker, I find it's much more painful if he's shorter - so to be fair, it would actually be the yanking that makes me reluctant to dance with them - I'll dance with anyone once!

The rest I guess is just me. I don't feel good and don't think I look good dancing with bent knees :( - practice I suppose.

Yankers are most definetly not good short or tall!
If I dont feel comfortable going into a move that may mean i have my arms torn off. I usually try not to off my hand, like in a pretzel (which is probably the move I most dislike for fear of my arms being pulled off) I ignore the hand. Now some guys will try redoing the move, in which case I still do not give my hand and hopefully by then theyve figured out I dont do/like/know that move.

In modern jive I dont thing the really bent legs look looks good either. But if its just for a moment to help the move along, then ok!

[robd]

I asked a guy for a dance in the Blues Room at Bognor last Sunday.
He said no because he wasn't very experienced in dancing Blues (and he did look abit nervous)
so I thought, well thats OK :)

but abit later on he was dancing - and his dancing looked OK to me :mad:

In fairness to this unknown leader, he may well have seen you dancing some lovely blues (as I am sure you do :wink: ), thought 'that's outta my league' and then asked/ been asked by someone he felt more confident about dancing with. I am not saying this is the right or wrong approach but it's one I have taken in the past.

Robert

[Northants Girly]

In fairness to this unknown leader, he may well have seen you dancing some lovely blues (as I am sure you do :wink: ), thought 'that's outta my league' and then asked/ been asked by someone he felt more confident about dancing with. I am not saying this is the right or wrong approach but it's one I have taken in the past.Maybe (but theres no way that my dancing is out of anyone's league).

But I guess Blues isn't something you always want to dance with someone you don't know.

It wasn't a great big deal really. I was just saying that that was a reason that someone had used on me. :)

[Msfab]

Maybe (but theres no way that my dancing is out of anyone's league).

You couldnt be more wrong NG, Your dancing was way out of my league on sunday morning!:wink:

[Cruella]

In fairness to this unknown leader, he may well have seen you dancing some lovely blues (as I am sure you do :wink: ), thought 'that's outta my league' and then asked/ been asked by someone he felt more confident about dancing with. I am not saying this is the right or wrong approach but it's one I have taken in the past.

Robert
Until you were put right.:whistle:

[ducasi]

Am I allowed to turn down leaders who are more than a head shorter than me? There's a lady dancer in Scotland who is at least a head taller than me. (I've guess she's maybe 6'6"?) I love dancing with her, and she never seemed to have a problem with me (she's usually quick to ask me for a dance if I haven't already.)

Sure, turns and such are a bit trickier, but I've even done pretzels without major difficulty.

I guess though she may have problems with other guys who aren't so careful...

[Whitebeard]

*gulp* because they were.. really really old

I've really, really, really, gone off you my girl.

(As if you care a monkey's about that ! )

[Anna]

I regretted it the moment I wrote that :rofl: no but I mean so old I thought I might break their arm off while dancing with them.. and that combined with the lecherism that all men at Salsa practice, isnt that nice

[Whitebeard]

I regretted it the moment I wrote that :rofl: no but I mean so old I thought I might break their arm off while dancing with them.. and that combined with the lecherism that all men at Salsa practice, isnt that nice

OK, all is forgiven - but I'll refrain from giving you a hug in caase you think I'm being lecherous. Seriously, it can't be that bad or you'd give up on the Salsa.

[robd]

Until you were put right.:whistle:

:wink:

[Zuhal]

Am I allowed to turn down leaders who are more than a head shorter than me? snip

I don't have a problem dancing with much shorter followers, and even as a beginner lead, think I adapt reasonably well - but then I'm not having to turn so much.

I am 6' 1" and have danced with several ladies 4" 6" and yes 12" taller than me. So I adapt.
What I always admire is when they make no compromise and just see where the dance goes.

I don't do lots of hammerlock moves with certain shaped ladies in the same way that it is dangerous to lean someone who looks like they are going to fall out of their dress:what:

Zuhal

[Cruella]

I don't do lots of hammerlock moves with certain shaped ladies in the same way that it is dangerous to lean someone who looks like they are going to fall out of their dress:what:

Zuhal
I know of a few men that would do as many leans as possible in that situation.:rolleyes:

[robd]

I don't do lots of hammerlock moves with certain shaped ladies in the same way that it is dangerous to lean someone who looks like they are going to fall out of their dress:what:




I know of a few men that would do as many leans as possible in that situation.:rolleyes:


Who are we to try and defy the natural wonder that is gravity?

[Clovis]

Apologies if any of this has been said, but it's a long thread to take in.

It seems to me the answer to this question depends on if you are expected to lead or follow.

As a leader, I think it is generally rude to refuse to dance. I once did, though I was wearing a coat, carrying a big bag, and walking straight at the exit which was five metres away. I think the poor girl was nervous, and I danced with her often on later nights.

There are few followers who dance so incredibly badly (with no sign of ever improving) that you wouldn't ever want to lead them. If only for the challenge of helping them get better.

I guess hypothetically you might get a follower who was so smelly you couldn't dance with her, but this hasn't come up. Followers tend to smell faintly of flowers (or ashes, obviously). Perhaps there is something about leading which affects body odour? :rofl:

Following, however, seems to me to be something where one might just not feel like dancing at any given time. If a lead is rebuffed, he should try again a couple of times on other nights. Then take the hint. But not get offended by it.

Of course, women who don't like a bloke's dancing (for any of the reasons in the poll) don't have to say no. Just smile sweetly and say "I'd love to! Do you mind if I lead?". This would work on a whole bunch of different levels, even if you have never lead a dance in your life before. The worst that could happen is that he would decline, and then you don't have to dance with him and it is him who has been 'rude'.

[Lee]

As a leader, I think it is generally rude to refuse to dance.

Still don't agree entirely, i generally say 'yes I’d love' to but don't think it's rude to say no, it's rude to use an excuse with one person which then becomes invalid moments later when dancing with a younger prettier girl (for example).


Of course, women who don't like a bloke's dancing (for any of the reasons in the poll) don't have to say no. Just smile sweetly and say "I'd love to! Do you mind if I lead?". This would work on a whole bunch of different levels, even if you have never lead a dance in your life before. The worst that could happen is that he would decline, and then you don't have to dance with him and it is him who has been 'rude'.

This is the best idea i've heard for ladies :clap: :clap: :clap: :rofl:

Lee

[Andybroom]

Surely the thing you have to think about in refusing a dance (be you a man or a woman) is the likely knock on effect.

No one likes being refused particularly. If you refuse someone (especially if you do it more than once) you run the risk of that person not asking you again.

OK there might be a few occasions when that will be a good result for you - sleazebags, smelly people and the like.

But it might not be so good if it's someone you actually might be happy to dance with, even if only occasionally. Especially if you're a woman and there's a shortage of guys.

As a man I can only speak about women in this way, but I've certainly come across women who have developed a reputation for turning people down for no real reasons and ended up with no partners at all as a result. Whether there are any men who've put themselves in that situation I don't know.

Speaking personally I don't think I've ever actually said no when asked by a woman though there have been occasions when I've sort of regretted it - I just tend to smile graciously in that circumstance though and what's two or three minutes of my time if it makes someone else happy?

If I actually want to take a break I try to make it clear by moving as far from the dance floor as I can, standing at the bar holding a drink or whatever.

Andy

[Wouldbe]

If I actually want to take a break I try to make it clear by moving as far from the dance floor as I can, standing at the bar holding a drink or whatever.

This is a good point. If I'm silly enough to hang around the dance floor not wanting to dance and give the opportunity for someone I didn't particularly want to dance with to ask me, then I'd never refuse.

If I'm not wanting another dance/ not wanting a dance with a certain punter I'd make a beeline for the door in all the confusion that ensues at the end of a song so that no one got the chance to grab me!

As long as you're happy to keep dancing, the best thing I find to avoid needing to refuse a dance you weren't looking forward to, is just to keep asking people you do want to dance with. Knackering, but very satisfying!

[Astro]

Im not sure height does matter. There used to be a much shorter guy than me at a guildford venue i used to go to, I always enjoyed our dances (his only trouble was that he was the duracel bunny - really fast but good). I never had my head knocked by him in fact he was one of the only ones id do anything pretzely with.
There were some taller guys that would without fail always hit me on the head, not raise their arm enough for even a return without burying their knuckles in my head.:mad:
If you really feel uncomfortable with shorter leads, then Id try my best to avoid being asked, hide under a table!


It is strange. I too have never been knocked by shorter guys around the head. I agree it is always the tall ones that mess up my hairdo. Can anyone explain this?

[Beowulf]

There's one female dancer in particular I will either avoid if I can or say no with some excuse if she does ask me to dance.

She goes to my Weekly class, and she's always trying to back lead me. Now ok, I know I don't have very many moves, but they're my moves. She can be quite insistent at times, and sometimes I actually have to struggle to make any sort of lead at all.

It's one think hijacking one or two moves, but not the whole dance. So invariable I have to become a much more firm lead.. which goes against my principles and once I'm in control she just scowls and frowns at every move I make.

I'm not the only one in my local venue who doesn't like dancing with her so it's not just me.

so yes, I will turn down dances with particular people because I just don't like dancing with them for whatever reason.

[Twirly]

It is strange. I too have never been knocked by shorter guys around the head. I agree it is always the tall ones that mess up my hairdo. Can anyone explain this?

:yeah: I've noticed this too.

I can only assume that it's because the shorter guys have more awareness that they need to be careful and avoid bashing their partner over the head. Whereas the taller guys just assume that they won't.

I'm slightly taller than average, and I think that fools them sometimes (I suspect that if I was much taller, that they'd realise they have to think about it more). I sometimes feel as if I've got a target painted on my head that they feel they have to aim at... particularly if it's hot and I've put my hair up :angry: It rarely lasts more than one dance before I have to retreat to the loos to put it up again. :tears:

As for turning particular people down, yes there is one person I really try to avoid dancing with (usually by avoiding eye contact or wandering off if I see him approaching). He dances like a maniac and makes me feel really uncomfortable. If I'm on the dancefloor with someone else and he's nearby, I usually ask my partner if we can move away as he has no awareness of the other people around him. I did turn him down a few months back because I was, genuinely, too hot. However he seems to have taken offence and also avoids me now - result!:D :clap:

[fletch]

:yeah: I've noticed this too.

I can only assume that it's because the shorter guys have more awareness that they need to be careful and avoid bashing their partner over the head. Whereas the taller guys just assume that they won't.


I used to get realy up set when the guy fluffed my hair up :mad:

I don't bother now unless I have a clip in and it get realy knocked :sick: I have started to fluff my own hair while dancing as part of my dance style, I don't know if it looks ok (the move that is not the hair) :confused:

[frodo]

... but I mean so old I thought I might break their arm off while dancing with them..
It does bring up that one possibly reason not listed to turn someone down is fear of them sustaining on injury, or fear of the greater damage an accident may cause.

Particularly on a fast track or a floor where people with limited floorcraft are moving quickly.

This could be because of general fragility, but unsuitable footwear and jewelry such as big loop earings.


In a way if you're being asked you could say they've accepted that risk. On the other hand different people have different risk thresholds.

[Mezzosoprano]

I've only ever refused someone once and that was someone I usually dance with... I had cracked ribs and pneumonia at the time so I figure that it was okay to say "no"! Funny thing is that at one function, I was asked to dance heaps by this one person who really made me feel uncomfortable but I was always told that you couldn't refuse a dance... I took to almost running any time I saw him heading in my direction.. made for some very short conversations that night!

[WittyBird]

I don't bother now unless I have a clip in and it get realy knocked :sick: I have started to fluff my own hair while dancing as part of my dance style, I don't know if it looks ok (the move that is not the hair) :confused:

You've started to get your own style and it looks good - dont knock it babes:clap:

[SeriouslyAddicted]

If I'm not wanting another dance/ not wanting a dance with a certain punter I'd make a beeline for the door in all the confusion that ensues at the end of a song so that no one got the chance to grab me!


*Mental note - don't chase after Wouldbe begging for a dance when he is running away!*

[Double Trouble]

Acceptable reasons for refusing a dance

1. They smell horrible
2. They are drenched in sweat
3. They are pervs who touch and look in all the wrong places
4. They have been dancing for 15 years and still have 2 left feet and only know 5 moves.

[Gav]

3. They are pervs who touch and look in all the wrong places

Talk about one rule for you and one for everyone else! :rolleyes:

[Double Trouble]

Talk about one rule for you and one for everyone else! :rolleyes:

In your dreams cowboy :rolleyes:

[Gav]

In your dreams cowboy :rolleyes:

A good reason to refuse could be if someone keeps getting into your cowboy dreams! :sick:

[Lee Bartholomew]

A good reason to refuse could be if someone keeps getting into your cowboy dreams! :sick:

Is that why you refuse me Gav?

[Gav]

Is that why you refuse me Gav?

damn you got me, my secret's out. Can't rep you for it either.

[Yogi_Bear]

Acceptable reasons for refusing a dance

1. They smell horrible
2. They are drenched in sweat
3. They are pervs who touch and look in all the wrong places
4. They have been dancing for 15 years and still have 2 left feet and only know 5 moves.

Actually five moves is enough, but I know what you mean.......

[MartinHarper]

Waltham Abbey needs better teachers.

[Double Trouble]

Waltham Abbey needs better teachers.

Actually...it wasnt the locals I was thinking about:whistle:

[Beowulf]

Acceptable reasons for refusing a dance
4. They have been dancing for 15 years and still have 2 left feet and only know 5 moves.

Oh well.. Guess we'll never dance then ;)

[dave the scaffolder]

Another "other" is that I already have an injury, or am recovering from surgery, or similar, and am only dancing with people I know at the moment. I would always accept this as a reasonable reason to say no.
I had a double hernia operation over xmas and since then have only been dancing with people i know, or whos style is gentle and do not hurt me. On another note the operation has made me rethink my style and as a result i have been told i am a much smoother dancer, with massive help from trouble as well. So if i have refused you a dance in the last couple of months please ask me again and i will dance with you , hopefully as a better dancer xxx xxx:nice:

[Trouble]

I had a double hernia operation over xmas and since then have only been dancing with people i know, or whos style is gentle and do not hurt me. On another note the operation has made me rethink my style and as a result i have been told i am a much smoother dancer, with massive help from trouble as well. So if i have refused you a dance in the last couple of months please ask me again and i will dance with you , hopefully as a better dancer xxx xxx:nice:

thats his excuse and he is sticking to it. :whistle:

[Mythical]

How about "last time we danced you looked at me in disgust when I told you I was a beginner, so just cause I'm the only woman sitting down doesn't mean I'll dance with you!"

[Gav]

Well, up until now I made it a rule never to always refuse anyone. If I have a reason to refuse, such as shirt change, drink break etc, that's fine. However, I now have the first person for my list of people I will not dance with.

At Ceroc on Monday I picked up a minor injury from a lady who's been dancing about the same time as me, but more often. However she's still a hand-bouncing backleader who cannot stay in time with the music.
Dancing with her is always difficult, but I make it a rule never to refuse without good reason and I always tell her to let me lead.

Anyway, I was in the middle of the man's bit of a catapult and for whatever reason, she decided that yanking on my right hand as I passed under it would be a good idea?:confused: It wrenched my back and I had to stop, but I was up and dancing again in no time with no residual pain.

It started to hurt on Tuesday night and got worse through Wednesday so that by the time Tango came around, I wasn't sure if I should be doing it. Thankfully it's easing off again now and may be OK for Southport this weekend.

Having suffered from 24hr back pain for 6 or 7 years, but having been completely pain free for the last 2 years or so means that I'm not taking the risk again. :mad:

[fletch]

So if i have refused you a dance in the last couple of months please ask me again and i will dance with you , hopefully as a better dancer xxx xxx:nice:


How about you asking some of the people you have reffused.:(

[David Bailey]

How about you asking some of the people you have reffused.:(
Blimey, glad to see you've mellowed post-Southport :eek:

[Minnie M]

I refused a megastar this weekend because I was tired and my feet hurt - I was told I was the first female to turn him down ever :eek: I am now wondering if I did the right thing :blush:

[Lory]

I refused a megastar this weekend because I was tired and my feet hurt - I was told I was the first female to turn him down ever :eek: I am now wondering if I did the right thing :blush:

I dunno Minnie but it sure made us all laugh! :worthy: :rofl:

[jivecat]

I refused a megastar this weekend because I was tired and my feet hurt - I was told I was the first female to turn him down ever :eek: I am now wondering if I did the right thing :blush:

:respect: So who was the spurned deity, then? Don't leave us in suspense!

[BeeBee]

I dunno Minnie but it sure made us all laugh! :worthy: :rofl:


It was a real Kodak moment - the look on his face, and the look on those at the table around you! :rofl:

[Yogi_Bear]

:respect: So who was the spurned deity, then? Don't leave us in suspense!Too right, I'm curious too...can't have been me, 'cos i wasn't there :whistle:

[LMC]

I refused a megastar this weekend because I was tired and my feet hurt - I was told I was the first female to turn him down ever :eek: I am now wondering if I did the right thing :blush:

It was probably very good for him to be treated as normal :D - guess you would have refused anyone else for the same reasons (tired and hurting feet)...

(Lory told me on the way home, wish I'd been there to see his face :respect: :rofl: )

[Minnie M]

:respect: So who was the spurned deity, then? Don't leave us in suspense!
clue ......... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSOAQ0miQJI

[stewart38]

I refused a megastar this weekend because I was tired and my feet hurt - I was told I was the first female to turn him down ever :eek: I am now wondering if I did the right thing :blush:

No worries ill catch up with you next time :wink:

[jivecat]

clue ......... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSOAQ0miQJI

Ooyah! Double :respect: I think my feet might have made a miraculous recovery, though, under the circumstances!

[bigdjiver]

I got refused last night. There was a surplus of men. There were a couple of ladies leading other ladies. I have no problem with that, its their evening too.

One particularly curvacious blonde was leading two ladies, which increased the lack of partners. I saw her free and decided to do my bit for the other guys and asked her to dance. She refused. None of this is worth mentioning, except for very curvaceous blonde's "reason".


"I'm a man"

[Miss Flicts]

I struggle with this because I'm naturally polite and don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I do sometimes think we've all gotten a bit precious about this. Why is it SO taboo to say no?

If you really hate dancing with someone, then why should you have to go through that unpleasant experience again and again - just for the sake of politeness? If you went for a drink with someone and hated every minute of it, you wouldn't say yes if they asked you out again, would you?

Also, if people felt more able to say 'no' then maybe the stinky/rough/dangerous people might get the idea that they need to change something. I don't think anybody would refuse someone nice/gentle/fresh just because they were less experienced, so I can only see benefits in losing this taboo.

[David Bailey]

Hi Miss Flicts, and welcome!

I struggle with this because I'm naturally polite and don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I do sometimes think we've all gotten a bit precious about this. Why is it SO taboo to say no?
For the same reason that it's a good idea to say "It's always the leader's fault" - it's simplistic and not totally correct, but it helps to create a culture with the right mindset.

A weaker-but-more-accurate statement ("It's OK to refuse a dance if you're tired, if you're worried about injury, if it's a perv, etc.") might lead to a culture where refusals are more common, leading to more hotshotism, elitism and cliquey-ism. God knows, everyone gets upset enough already after refusals.

Yes, of course it's acceptable to refuse in any of those circumstances - but how can you explain all that in a single sentence during a busy class? You can't, of course. So you adopt easy-to-understand-and-remember approximations which you hope will do the most good.

[bigdjiver]

I struggle with this because I'm naturally polite and don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I do sometimes think we've all gotten a bit precious about this. Why is it SO taboo to say no?

If you really hate dancing with someone, then why should you have to go through that unpleasant experience again and again - just for the sake of politeness? If you went for a drink with someone and hated every minute of it, you wouldn't say yes if they asked you out again, would you?

Also, if people felt more able to say 'no' then maybe the stinky/rough/dangerous people might get the idea that they need to change something. I don't think anybody would refuse someone nice/gentle/fresh just because they were less experienced, so I can only see benefits in losing this taboo.Welcome to the forum. I am sure this "no refusing" idea does deter some beginners, and agree that it should be downgraded to accepting as often as you feel comfortable with.

[jeanie]

Welcome to the forum. I am sure this "no refusing" idea does deter some beginners, and agree that it should be downgraded to accepting as often as you feel comfortable with.

Having just started, I'm somewhat relieved to find under certain circumstances you can say no. I'm in the dilemma on how to say no to someone who has caused me some rather painful hip muscle spasms after his dancing. I don't want to cause offence if he asks as I can dance perfectly well (& happily) with other dancers....it's just his 'unique' style :what:

[fletch]

Having just started, I'm somewhat relieved to find under certain circumstances you can say no. I'm in the dilemma on how to say no to someone who has caused me some rather painful hip muscle spasms after his dancing. I don't want to cause offence if he asks as I can dance perfectly well (& happily) with other dancers....it's just his 'unique' style :what:

there you go you have said it :flower:

[jeanie]

there you go you have said it :flower:

thanks, it's just after being told - it's rude to say no - I did wonder if there were exceptions besides the 'i'm going to the toilet' excuse. I did request less of the old hip movements which was received with a ':really: how dare you say that you're a beginner' look

oops....:whistle:

[fletch]

thanks, it's just after being told - it's rude to say no - I did wonder if there were exceptions besides the 'i'm going to the toilet' excuse. I did request less of the old hip movements which was received with a ':really: how dare you say that you're a beginner' look

oops....:whistle:

nope i don't do them excuses. he will come back and I think people deserve to be told the truth, sort of , without been hutfull.

last Sunday my daughter told me she wasn't comfertable with dancing with a guy, and could she say no to him. :flower:

so I pulled him to one side and said she was having confedence issues and would he let her do the asking untill she was more comfertable with her dancing,and that there were a few people she would prefer to do the asking with and he was one of them..:flower:...and then I immediately followed it with 'thanks for than I new you would understand' he hadn't had chance to reply, and then I walked off, leaving him to think it over.:cheers:


I have also had a conversation with Richard (the copse) at Ealing, Halloween, and explained that there were some people that had issues, he had no idea. :hug: i'm not one of them

[jeanie]

Well I did really need a wee so it wasn't a total fib . Just don't want to cause offence as I'm in my first month but I kinda need pain free hips :)

[David Bailey]

I'm in the dilemma on how to say no to someone who has caused me some rather painful hip muscle spasms after his dancing. :
You say, loudly and clearly, "Sorry, but you injured me last time". If he then asks further, you can explain why, of course.

Simple.

[bigdjiver]

Having just started, I'm somewhat relieved to find under certain circumstances you can say no. I'm in the dilemma on how to say no to someone who has caused me some rather painful hip muscle spasms after his dancing. I don't want to cause offence if he asks as I can dance perfectly well (& happily) with other dancers....it's just his 'unique' style :what::confused: :what:That is worrying me. I am fond of ocassional hip movements, and the possibility that that could cause pain has never ocuured to me. Can you be more explicit how he is causing the problem?

[jeanie]

:confused: :what:That is worrying me. I am fond of ocassional hip movements, and the possibility that that could cause pain has never ocuured to me. Can you be more explicit how he is causing the problem?

I probably won't explain it very well but I'll give it a bash.

Side by side and 'bumping' each other - I haven't had this move with anyone else

I would like to say I do suffer from bad hips its in the family genes, so it could just be me, but I have suffered from a rather sore spasm since dancing with him :( I haven't seen him since so haven't had the chance to say anything.

[martingold]

Hi Miss Flicts, and welcome!

For the same reason that it's a good idea to say "It's always the leader's fault" - it's simplistic and not totally correct, but it helps to create a culture with the right mindset.

A weaker-but-more-accurate statement ("It's OK to refuse a dance if you're tired, if you're worried about injury, if it's a perv, etc.") might lead to a culture where refusals are more common, leading to more hotshotism, elitism and cliquey-ism. God knows, everyone gets upset enough already after refusals.

Yes, of course it's acceptable to refuse in any of those circumstances - but how can you explain all that in a single sentence during a busy class? You can't, of course. So you adopt easy-to-understand-and-remember approximations which you hope will do the most good.
i couldnt agree more with your statement
so you dont refuse.
generally i look out for my wife and if one of our two local sleazes (if she has to dance with them she feels like they have made love to her on the dance floor) comes to dance with her before they get to her i will (if i am there) take her onto the floor myself this solves the problem

[Neu Wien]

I've been to 2 ceroc classes, and been refused 3 times.

1) Lady was about to leave- fair enough, and I kept an eye on her and she did leave.

2) Lady needed to get some water- fair enough, and I saw that she did go and get some.

3) Not the typical refusal, but still... After the beginners' lesson, we go straight into freestyle with whoever we've ended up with after rotating partners throughout the lesson. I ended up with a lady who seems like she's been going for a while, and takes part in the intermediate lessons. When the freestyle started, she said "we'll just do the beginners' routine 4 times" we did that, and she walked away, leaving me feeling awkward, as everyone else (literally) in the venue was still dancing, and I just had to hang around at the edges waiting for the song to finish...

[zimbabwean]

3) Not the typical refusal, but still... After the beginners' lesson, we go straight into freestyle with whoever we've ended up with after rotating partners throughout the lesson. I ended up with a lady who seems like she's been going for a while, and takes part in the intermediate lessons. When the freestyle started, she said "we'll just do the beginners' routine 4 times" we did that, and she walked away, leaving me feeling awkward, as everyone else (literally) in the venue was still dancing, and I just had to hang around at the edges waiting for the song to finish...

First welcome to the Forum Neu Wien, and to the world of dance. all I can say is that Follows' who do that are not worth the dance anyway :angry: as they feel that they are to good for begginers, and one thing we all know is that there need to be more leads encouraged and not put off. Stick with it and trust me you will not have that problem in most venues, on the contrary there will be a few always waiting for a dance with you :grin:

[Neu Wien]

Yeah, most of the ladies at my venue are lovely, but I suppose I wouldn't have been able to realise that unless I had people like her to compare them to! :wink:

[bigdjiver]

There are lots of reasonswhy a lady might not want to dance with me. I would rather the inviting worked equally both ways, then I could just sit out and be sure she wanted to dance with me.

By now I am better tuned into the "Oh no, he's going to ask me" signals, and give them a miss.

So it was no surprise when a lady standing by herself grabbed a glass of water when I approached her, ready for the "I am just having a drink break" ploy. However as I diverted in panic away I could not help seeing how embarrased she was when she realised she already had a glass of water in her other hand and there was no easy explanation why she needed two.:blush:

[Neu Wien]

So it was no surprise when a lady standing by herself grabbed a glass of water when I approached her, ready for the "I am just having a drink break" ploy. However as I diverted in panic away I could not help seeing how embarrased she was when she realised she already had a glass of water in her other hand and there was no easy explanation why she needed two.:blush:

Why, she had got the second glass of water for you, so you could share a refreshing drink with her before the two of you danced together. And how did you respond to this act of generosity? You walked away, you meanie! :naughty:

:cool:

BTW, a nice update to the episode I described above- today the lady in question came up and asked me for a dance in freestyle... and continued dancing to the end of the song. So either she was just in a bad mood last week, or she reads these forums and came to make amends! :nice:

[Lory]

BTW, a nice update to the episode I described above- today the lady in question came up and asked me for a dance in freestyle... and continued dancing to the end of the song. So either she was just in a bad mood last week, or she reads these forums and came to make amends! :nice:
You know, there is another way to looking at her actions, from a slightly less negative view.

When someone's brand new to leading, it can be a terrible pressure to be 'expected' to carry on for the entire song.:eek: I know there have been times I've personally dreaded hearing those words bellowed at me from the stage "And now, your into 'FREESTYLE'' :sick:

Maybe she was just trying to take the pressure off you.

I know there have been times when I would have really appreciated someone saying I only had to go through the routine taught from the stage 4 times, Phew, thank god for that... Now where's the bar? :cheers:

[stewart38]

You know, there is another way to looking at her actions, from a slightly less negative view.

When someone's brand new to leading, it can be a terrible pressure to be 'expected' to carry on for the entire song.:eek: I know there have been times I've personally dreaded hearing those words bellowed at me from the stage "And now, your into 'FREESTYLE'' :sick:

Maybe she was just trying to take the pressure off you.

I know there have been times when I would have really appreciated someone saying I only had to go through the routine taught from the stage 4 times, Phew, thank god for that... Now where's the bar? :cheers:


Somone walks of the dance floor when everyone else is dancing.

Sorry for me thats just rude

Unless the person in question was crushing her fingers etc

[Lory]

Somone walks of the dance floor when everyone else is dancing.

Sorry for me thats just rude

I agree but as I said above, maybe, just maybe she was 'trying' to be nice but got it wrong! :rolleyes:

[stewart38]

I agree but as I said above, maybe, just maybe she was 'trying' to be nice but got it wrong! :rolleyes:

I remember when i started a women said to me

your so bad im going to do us a favour ,end the dance half way through the song :tears:






30-15 :whistle:

[Lory]

30-15 :whistle:

I'm saying nothing!

30 - 30 :wink:

[fandangle]

There's only one woman who I refuse to dance with. I have danced with her twice. The first time she crushed my fingers together so hard, it took a week for them to recover. The second time, some weeks later, (I believe in 2nd chances), I asked her upfront if she could relax her grip as my fingers were a bit tender. In spite of my continually asking her and obviously wincing whenever she exerted about 500lbs per square inch on my hand, she seemed to be unable to relax her hand. It could have been that she was scared dancing with me but I hope I'm not that bad or she could have just been nervous. Whatever the reason, I will never dance with her again as my hand will never be the same again. :mad:

[Little Black Dress]

I was at a party night last night - having a great time - although as I was getting over a bad cold that had lasted all week, was taking it easy - dancing a couple of songs, then sitting a couple out etc.
This guy that I don't know came over to where I was sitting and asked me if I wanted a dance. Now, as I'd just had a couple of pretty energetic dances and was feeling quite puffed out, I said, "I'd love to, but could I come and get you when I've got my breath back?" He seemed not to hear me and asked again if I wanted to dance. So I started to say again what I'd said but he interrupted me and said, "No, I'm not going to ask you again, do you want to dance now?" So just said, "No!" He went off and I overheard him muttering to his friends about my refusal.... Why did he have to be so rude? And why could he not take my answer in the manner it was meant?

I can't be bothered with people who act like that.....:naughty:

[FoxyFunkster]

There's only one woman who I refuse to dance with. I have danced with her twice. The first time she crushed my fingers together so hard, it took a week for them to recover. The second time, some weeks later, (I believe in 2nd chances), I asked her upfront if she could relax her grip as my fingers were a bit tender. In spite of my continually asking her and obviously wincing whenever she exerted about 500lbs per square inch on my hand, she seemed to be unable to relax her hand. It could have been that she was scared dancing with me but I hope I'm not that bad or she could have just been nervous. Whatever the reason, I will never dance with her again as my hand will never be the same again. :mad:

To be honest you should have stopped dancing with her mid song and whenever she started gripping to tightly and showed her what you mean....That is not rude in my opinion as it`s a health risk/hazard that i wouldn`t expect anyone to go through....

[Villemo]

I was at a party night last night - having a great time - although as I was getting over a bad cold that had lasted all week, was taking it easy - dancing a couple of songs, then sitting a couple out etc.
This guy that I don't know came over to where I was sitting and asked me if I wanted a dance. Now, as I'd just had a couple of pretty energetic dances and was feeling quite puffed out, I said, "I'd love to, but could I come and get you when I've got my breath back?" He seemed not to hear me and asked again if I wanted to dance. So I started to say again what I'd said but he interrupted me and said, "No, I'm not going to ask you again, do you want to dance now?" So just said, "No!" He went off and I overheard him muttering to his friends about my refusal.... Why did he have to be so rude? And why could he not take my answer in the manner it was meant?

I can't be bothered with people who act like that.....:naughty:

And you shouldn't have to!
Sometimes we do need a break.
Personally, I'd like to check off more than one of the options above :eek:

[Phil_dB]

On the whole I think men have the better deal in terms of dance partners.

Of course, there's a few funny woman about - but by and large, most are very pleasant to dance with. Can the same be said about the men?

I've recently introduced a female friend to modern jive, - she's really enjoying it, - however, she won't go to a couple of her local venues in particular for no other reason (bar a 1 or 2 exceptions) than the men who dance there.

"Smelly, sleazy, letchy, forceful..." (I'll stop there but could go on quoting)

It's a real shame as this only leaves her with one venue (on twice a week) within a reasonable distance of where she lives which consists of decent blokes.

[David Franklin]

Personally, I'd like to check off more than one of the options above :eek:Nothing's stopping you - the poll allows multiple selections.

[Brighton Belle]

I was at a local MJ dance a while ago and there was a guy there who I knew did Tango although I'd never danced with him. A tango track came on so I went over to ask him if he'd like to try a tango. He's a lot taller than me so he looked down at me, looked me up and down and said 'No I don't think so' and turned back to continue to talking to his friend.

I was mortified. His friend had the grace to look embarrassed but he didn't bat an eyelid. I know everyone gets refused occasionally and usually it doesn't bother me but I think this was the worst one ever!

[Moondancer]

I was at a local MJ dance a while ago and there was a guy there who I knew did Tango although I'd never danced with him. A tango track came on so I went over to ask him if he'd like to try a tango. He's a lot taller than me so he looked down at me, looked me up and down and said 'No I don't think so' and turned back to continue to talking to his friend.

I was mortified. His friend had the grace to look embarrassed but he didn't bat an eyelid. I know everyone gets refused occasionally and usually it doesn't bother me but I think this was the worst one ever!

That's horrible and rude. Even if he was a complete tango purist he could have smiled graciously and led jive, but also surely he could started a jive with a tango feel and then if he was a good lead led some basic ochos or something to see if you could follow them. There really isn't any excuse for the answer you got!

[Phil_dB]

I was at a local MJ dance a while ago and there was a guy there who I knew did Tango although I'd never danced with him. A tango track came on so I went over to ask him if he'd like to try a tango. He's a lot taller than me so he looked down at me, looked me up and down and said 'No I don't think so' and turned back to continue to talking to his friend.

I was mortified. His friend had the grace to look embarrassed but he didn't bat an eyelid. I know everyone gets refused occasionally and usually it doesn't bother me but I think this was the worst one ever!


Sounds like a nasty, sad little man to me.

His actions say everything about him, and nothing about you.

Would you really want to share a dance with a disillusioned priick anyway?

:flower:

[Agente Secreto]

There's only one woman who I refuse to dance with. I have danced with her twice. The first time she crushed my fingers together so hard, it took a week for them to recover. The second time, some weeks later, (I believe in 2nd chances), I asked her upfront if she could relax her grip as my fingers were a bit tender. In spite of my continually asking her and obviously wincing whenever she exerted about 500lbs per square inch on my hand, she seemed to be unable to relax her hand. It could have been that she was scared dancing with me but I hope I'm not that bad or she could have just been nervous. Whatever the reason, I will never dance with her again as my hand will never be the same again. :mad:

There are a couple of ladies that I see on the floor quite often that have the grip of an East European weight lifter. I do admit that I avoid (but don't refuse) them. I've tried giving them the finger:devil:, since i normally find that if I switch to dancing with a single finger lead there is less to grip and less to hurt but no, these girls are made of far sterner stuff. I now chart my way round the floor with avoidance in mind because I would not refuse them a dance. Is this stupid? I tell my wife not to dance with guys that hurt her so maybe I should be a little more honest with the ladies concerned.

[bigdjiver]

There are a couple of ladies that I see on the floor quite often that have the grip of an East European weight lifter....I know I am not supposed to, but I find that if I hold their hand ladies do not feel it necessasy to hold mine. The difference is that I know when to release, and the often don't.

[NickC]

I suppose I can ask why after being refused as its for research and post my results here, I dred to think what I'll be told

[bigdjiver]

I suppose I can ask why after being refused as its for research and post my results here, I dred to think what I'll be toldI am often tempted to ask ladies why they prefer to dance with younger, handsomer, richer, better dancers, but I don't. It remains a mystery.

[sunnybunny]

I am often tempted to ask ladies why they prefer to dance with younger, handsomer, richer, better dancers, but I don't. It remains a mystery.

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[Lory]

Even if he was a complete tango purist he could have smiled graciously and led jive,



His actions say everything about him, and nothing about you.



The ironic thing is, Brighton Belle is a beautiful tango dancer, so IMO, it was totally HIS loss! :yeah:

[JiveLad]

I suppose I can ask why after being refused as its for research and post my results here, I dread to think what I'll be told

One very specific reason was given the other week when someone refused a dance by saying: "David Bailey has just caught my eye - sorry".

Mere mortals stand no chance in the face of such an eye catching prospect...

Interestingly, at the DB tango lesson I attended, he had explained how at Tango events, asking for a dance is a bit different compared to Ceroc - and that it would often be a long range (well a few metres) mutual eye contact & connection.

[Lynn]

One very specific reason was given the other week when someone refused a dance by saying: "David Bailey has just caught my eye - sorry".

Mere mortals stand no chance in the face of such an eye catching prospect...

Interestingly, at the DB tango lesson I attended, he had explained how at Tango events, asking for a dance is a bit different compared to Ceroc - and that it would often be a long range (well a few metres) mutual eye contact & connection.It might be partly a tango influence, but I often agree a dance by eye contact. In those situations, the invite has been given and accepted and to then accept another dance invitation would be in effect to refuse the first.

It can get a little confusing for newbies though, to explain that you have already agreed to dance with someone who isn't actually standing beside you, so if a beginner asks me I would smile an apology to the person I'd agreed to dance with, and dance with the beginner.

[Brighton Belle]

The ironic thing is, Brighton Belle is a beautiful tango dancer, so IMO, it was totally HIS loss! :yeah:

Oh thank you. You're too kind!! :awe: :flower:

[Lory]

if a beginner asks me, I would smile an apology to the person I'd agreed to dance with, and dance with the beginner.

I wouldn't. I'd ask the beginner if we could have the next dance and explain I'd already promised this one to someone else and then I'd make sure I came back!