ElaineB
10th-August-2005, 03:44 PM
This made me smile......... :D
Elaine
Subject: Test for before you have kids!!!
> Test 1
> Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a
> beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months
> remove 10% of the beans.
>*
> Men: To prepare for paternity,go to local chemist, tip the contents of
> your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself.
> Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to
> their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.
>T>*
> Test 2
> Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their
> methods of discipline, lack ofpatience, appallingly low tolerance
> levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest
> ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet
> training,table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the
> last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
>*
> Test 3
> To discover how the nights will feel . . .
> 1) Walk around the living roomfrom 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag
> weighi ng approximately 4-6kg, with a radio tuned to static (or some
> other obnoxious sound) playingloudly.
> 2) At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
> 3) Get up at 12pm and walk thebag around the living room until 1am.
> 4) Set the alarm for 3am.
> 5) As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
> 6) Go to b ed at 2. 45am.
> 7) Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off
> 8) Sing songs in the dark until 4 am.
> 9) Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off
> 10) Make breakfast.
> Keep this up for 5 years. Lookcheerful.
>*
> Test 4
> Dressing small children is notas easy at it seems.
> 1) Buy a live octopus and a string bag
> 2) Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the
> arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.
>*
> Test 5
> Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5-door saloon (such as a Toyota
> Avensis). And don't think thatyou can leave it out on the driveway
> spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
> 1) Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
> 2) Get a coin. Insert it in the cassette player.
> 3) Take a family size package of chocolate biscuits, mash them into the
> back seat.
> 4) Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
> There. . perfect!
>*
> Test 6
> Get ready to go out.
> 1) Wait
> 2) Go out the front door.
> 3) Come in again.
> 4) Go out.
> 5) Come back in.
> 6) Go out again.
> 7) Walk down the front path/driveway.
> 8) Walk back up it.
> 9) Walk down it again.
> 10) Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
> 11) Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every
> piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.
> 12) Retrace your steps.
> 13) Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the
> neighbours come out and stare at you.
> 14) Give up and go back into the house.
> You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
>*
> Test 7
> Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.
>*
> Test 8
> Go the local supermarket. Takewith you the nearest thing you can find
> to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is excellent). If you intend
> to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks
> groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for
> everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish
> this, do not even contemplate having children.
>*
> Test 9
> 1) Hollow out a melon.
> 2) Make a small hole in the side.
> 3) Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it from side to side PAN>
> 4) Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the
> swaying melon by pretending tobe an airplane.
> 5) Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
> 6) Tip the rest into your lap,making sure that a lot of it falls on the
> floor. You are now ready to feed a 12 month old child.
>*
> Test 10
> Learn the names of every character from the Fimbles, Barney,
Teletubbies
> and Disney.Watch nothing else on TV for at least five years.
>*
> Test 11
> Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter
> onto the sofa and jam onto thecurtains. Hide a fish behind the stereo
> and leave it there all summer.Stick your fingers in the flower beds
> then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does
> that look?
>*
> Test 12
> Make a recording of Janet Street-Porter shouting "Mummy" repeatedly.
> Important: No more than a foursecond delay between each "Mummy" -
> occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required.
> Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next four years.
> You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
>*
> Test 13
> Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else
continuously
> tug on yourskirt hem/shirt sleeve/elbow while playing the "Mummy"tape
> made from Test 12 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with
> an adult while there is a child in the room.
>*
> Test 14
> Put on your finest work attire. Pick a d ay on which you have an
> important meeting. Now:
> 1) Take a cup of cream, and put 1 cup lemon juice in it.
> 2) Stir.
> 3) Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt. Saturate a towel with the
> other half of the mixture.
> 4) Attempt to clean your shirtwith the saturated towel.
> 5) Do NOT change. You have no time.
> 6) Go directly to work.
>*
> Test 15
> Go for a drive, but first. .
> 1) Find one large tomcat and six pit bulls.
> 2) Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car.T>
> 3) Put the pit bulls in the front seat of your car.
> 4) While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the
> child seat.
> 5) For the really adventurous . . . Run some errands, remove and
> replace the cat at each stop.
>*
> You are now ready to have kids!!!!
Elaine
Subject: Test for before you have kids!!!
> Test 1
> Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a
> beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months
> remove 10% of the beans.
>*
> Men: To prepare for paternity,go to local chemist, tip the contents of
> your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself.
> Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to
> their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.
>T>*
> Test 2
> Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their
> methods of discipline, lack ofpatience, appallingly low tolerance
> levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest
> ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet
> training,table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the
> last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
>*
> Test 3
> To discover how the nights will feel . . .
> 1) Walk around the living roomfrom 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag
> weighi ng approximately 4-6kg, with a radio tuned to static (or some
> other obnoxious sound) playingloudly.
> 2) At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
> 3) Get up at 12pm and walk thebag around the living room until 1am.
> 4) Set the alarm for 3am.
> 5) As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
> 6) Go to b ed at 2. 45am.
> 7) Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off
> 8) Sing songs in the dark until 4 am.
> 9) Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off
> 10) Make breakfast.
> Keep this up for 5 years. Lookcheerful.
>*
> Test 4
> Dressing small children is notas easy at it seems.
> 1) Buy a live octopus and a string bag
> 2) Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the
> arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.
>*
> Test 5
> Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5-door saloon (such as a Toyota
> Avensis). And don't think thatyou can leave it out on the driveway
> spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
> 1) Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
> 2) Get a coin. Insert it in the cassette player.
> 3) Take a family size package of chocolate biscuits, mash them into the
> back seat.
> 4) Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
> There. . perfect!
>*
> Test 6
> Get ready to go out.
> 1) Wait
> 2) Go out the front door.
> 3) Come in again.
> 4) Go out.
> 5) Come back in.
> 6) Go out again.
> 7) Walk down the front path/driveway.
> 8) Walk back up it.
> 9) Walk down it again.
> 10) Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
> 11) Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every
> piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.
> 12) Retrace your steps.
> 13) Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the
> neighbours come out and stare at you.
> 14) Give up and go back into the house.
> You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
>*
> Test 7
> Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.
>*
> Test 8
> Go the local supermarket. Takewith you the nearest thing you can find
> to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is excellent). If you intend
> to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks
> groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for
> everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish
> this, do not even contemplate having children.
>*
> Test 9
> 1) Hollow out a melon.
> 2) Make a small hole in the side.
> 3) Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it from side to side PAN>
> 4) Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the
> swaying melon by pretending tobe an airplane.
> 5) Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
> 6) Tip the rest into your lap,making sure that a lot of it falls on the
> floor. You are now ready to feed a 12 month old child.
>*
> Test 10
> Learn the names of every character from the Fimbles, Barney,
Teletubbies
> and Disney.Watch nothing else on TV for at least five years.
>*
> Test 11
> Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter
> onto the sofa and jam onto thecurtains. Hide a fish behind the stereo
> and leave it there all summer.Stick your fingers in the flower beds
> then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does
> that look?
>*
> Test 12
> Make a recording of Janet Street-Porter shouting "Mummy" repeatedly.
> Important: No more than a foursecond delay between each "Mummy" -
> occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required.
> Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next four years.
> You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
>*
> Test 13
> Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else
continuously
> tug on yourskirt hem/shirt sleeve/elbow while playing the "Mummy"tape
> made from Test 12 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with
> an adult while there is a child in the room.
>*
> Test 14
> Put on your finest work attire. Pick a d ay on which you have an
> important meeting. Now:
> 1) Take a cup of cream, and put 1 cup lemon juice in it.
> 2) Stir.
> 3) Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt. Saturate a towel with the
> other half of the mixture.
> 4) Attempt to clean your shirtwith the saturated towel.
> 5) Do NOT change. You have no time.
> 6) Go directly to work.
>*
> Test 15
> Go for a drive, but first. .
> 1) Find one large tomcat and six pit bulls.
> 2) Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car.T>
> 3) Put the pit bulls in the front seat of your car.
> 4) While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the
> child seat.
> 5) For the really adventurous . . . Run some errands, remove and
> replace the cat at each stop.
>*
> You are now ready to have kids!!!!