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TheTramp
19th-December-2002, 05:47 PM
Hmmmm.... I think it's about time someone started a thread for everyone to put their favourite jokes. I'll get the ball rolling with a topical one... :)

Three men all pass away on Christmas Eve. They pass up to heaven, and are met at the pearly gates by St.Peter.

St. Peter says to them, 'Since it's Christmas, you can only enter, if you can show me something in the Christmas spirit'.

The first guy digs deep in his pockets, pull out a lighter and sparks up a flame.

St. Peter looks at him quizzically.

'Candles' says the man, and gets let in.

The first guy digs deeper in his pockets, pull out a set of keys and jingles them.

St. Peter looks at him quizzically.

'Bells' says the man, and gets let in.

The third man digs even deeper in his pockets, a worried look upon his face. Finally, with a relieved smile, he pulls out a pair of skimpy red knickers.

St. Peter looks at him with an absolute look of disbelief on his face....

And the man says....








:rolleyes:

They're Carols!!!

:D

Steve

Lou
19th-December-2002, 06:17 PM
Q. What does a man with two left feet wear to the beach?


A. Flip flips

Tiggerbabe
19th-December-2002, 08:26 PM
Why don't cars play football?


'Cause they've only got one boot!

:D :D
Aw! Come on - it's funny..................
(Can't tell you my favourite joke - it's far too rude:sorry )

Alfie
19th-December-2002, 11:32 PM
Hi All,
I'll start with a clean one.

Q: What do you call a frenchman wearing sandals?







A: Philipe Phillop!!!!!:D Ha Ha Ha!!!!!!!!!

Well I Thought it was funny

Jayne
20th-December-2002, 10:59 AM
Why has Edward Woodward got so many Ds in his name??

Because without them he'd be Ewar Woowar


Coudn't resist bringing it out again....

Jayne
:grin:

TheTramp
20th-December-2002, 11:03 AM
Jayne.

You really should have resisted!!!

Steve

TheTramp
20th-December-2002, 11:12 AM
Letter to an agony aunt:

Dear Abby:
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month.

My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened,she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood upand walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door... There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

Steve

Jayne
20th-December-2002, 11:14 AM
Originally posted by TheTramp
Jayne.

You really should have resisted!!!

Steve

two things:

1) It's sooo funny with alcohol (as I said before)

2) It's the only clean one I can think of off the top of my head. (i've got a favourire unclean one but there's a visual thing that makes it funny and so it wouldn't come across on the forum... Unless I could get Gadget to make an animation....)

Jayne
:grin:

TheTramp
29th-December-2002, 04:22 PM
Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test.
The doctor says to the first old man,
"What is three times three"? "274" was his reply.
The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn.
What is three times three"? "Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor says to the third man, "OK, Your turn.
What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man.
"That's great" says the doctor. "How did you get that"?
"Simple" says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday".

So, this is what I've got to look forward to then eh? :tears:

Steve

Ronde!
30th-December-2002, 03:01 PM
An Englishman, an Irishman and an Australian walk into a bar.
You would have thought one of them would have ducked.

TheTramp
30th-December-2002, 03:23 PM
Did you hear about the agnostic, insomniac, dyslexic?

He used to lie awake all night, worrying about whether or not there was a dog!

Steve

Lou
2nd-January-2003, 02:36 PM
Q. What's Sauron's favourite football team?

A. Wraith Rovers!



:tears:

David Franklin
2nd-January-2003, 03:37 PM
Another LOTR one...

With mounting apprehension, Frodo entered the Prancing Pony. He'd been warned that all manner of evil creatures were after him, searching for the one ring. He went to the bar, and was waiting to be served, when there was an almighty crash and the inn doors slammed open.

Frodo stared in terror as one of Sauron's Ringwraiths was silhoutted in the doorway. Everyone hurried to get out of it's way as the creature advanced steadily towards him. It came to a stop before him, scanning from his feet to his head - as if it could sense the ring was nearby.

Frodo knew he couldn't just stand there in front of the creature's gaze. I'll have to bluff, he thought - make it think I'm just an innocent bystander, out to have a good time. And thus, he said:

"So, what's a Nazgul like you doing in a place like this?"

Graham
2nd-January-2003, 07:07 PM
Four engineers get in a car, and one starts it, but after a few seconds the engine coughs and dies. A couple of further attempts produce similar results.

The first, a mechanical engineer, says "I think I know what the problem is - it sounded as if one of the valves was stuck, so I'll just pop out and have a look at the engine, see if I can free it and we'll be away in no time."

"Nonsense!" retorted the second, a chemical engineer. "I think the fuel's been contaminated - the smell is very distinctive - I'll just pop out, drain the fuel tank, refill it from the spare can, and we'll be off in minutes."

"You're both wrong, as usual!" piped up the third, an electrical engineer. "I'm sure one of the spark plugs wasn't firing, so I'll just pop out, check the wiring, and we'll be motoring along before you know it."

"Actually, I've got another idea" suggested the fourth, a software engineer. "Why don't we all get out, close all the doors, then try it again from the beginning?"

Dance Demon
2nd-January-2003, 09:03 PM
Five guys were doing a tour of Ireland. They had completed the North and were heading south over the border, when they were stopped at a Garda checkpoint. The policeman looked in the car, opened the door and shouted "OK lads, out of the car". " What's the problem officer?" one of them asked. "You're driving a Quattro, which means four, and there's five of you " he replied .
"No No" said the driver," Quattro is just the name that Audi gave the model, but it is meant to carry 5 people" ." Look I'm not going to argue" bellowed the officer "just get out of the car".
"I've had enough of this" said the driver, "do you have a superior that I can talk to"." Yes"came the reply," but he's busy arresting two guys driving an Uno"............:sorry

Lindsay
3rd-January-2003, 05:22 PM
The Royal Honeymoon

On the day of her wedding to Prince Edward, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten her shoes. Panic set in until her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding, so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet were in agony. When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.
The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected: grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually, they heard Edward say, "God, that was tight." "There," whispered the Queen to her husband, the Duke, "I told you she was a virgin." Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one." Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said, "My God. That was even tighter." "That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."

:sorry

CJ
8th-January-2003, 12:41 PM
2 snowmen sitting in a field, the first one says, "Can you smell carrots?"

Da Dum, Ssh.

Why did the Scarecrow win an award?
Cos he was outstanding in his field.

Da Dum, Ssh.

A man was found dead in an ice cream van covered in hundreds and thousands...
Police reports said he topped himself.

Da Dum, Ssh.

Hear about the guy that drowned in his muesli?
He was pulled under by a strong currant.

Da Dum, Ssh.

Two elephants fall off a cliff.
Da Dum!!!!

:sorry :sorry :sorry :sorry :sorry :sorry :sorry

Dreadful Scathe
8th-January-2003, 02:06 PM
Originally posted by Ceroc Jock

Da Dum!!!!

:sorry :sorry :sorry :sorry :sorry :sorry :sorry

LOL it was all the funnier than I could picture you in a cheap suit in an american lounge bar with your backing drummer :)

Gus
8th-January-2003, 02:20 PM
Its Xmas at the North Pole and 3 strange characters are playing card poker. Intelligent Man, Intelligent Woman and Santa Claus are taking it very seriously, going #100 blind each round and downing copius amounts of vodka as an additional show of bravado ...... theres about #10,000 on the table as they all pass out .... and when they come to, ALL the money has been stolen:tears:

So who stole it .... Intelligent Man, Intelligent woman or Santa Claus?


(Answer to follow)

DavidB
8th-January-2003, 02:25 PM
Originally posted by Gus
So who stole it .... Intelligent Man, Intelligent woman or Santa Claus?The man. The other two don't exist.

Gus
8th-January-2003, 02:27 PM
Originally posted by Gus

So who stole it .... Intelligent Man, Intelligent woman or Santa Claus?



The answer is obvious ... Intelligent Man ..... the other two are merely mythical creatures!


....Gus now registers for a false passport and leaves the country for somehwere safe to avoid retribution......

Gus
8th-January-2003, 02:28 PM
Originally posted by DavidB
The man. The other two don't exist.

OY ... who's stealing my punchiline .... and YOU KNOW a certain lady who is going to make you pay for this act of bravado ... was it worth it?

DavidB
8th-January-2003, 02:32 PM
Originally posted by Gus
and YOU KNOW a certain lady who is going to make you pay for this act of bravado ... was it worth it? She will beat me up anyway...

Gus
8th-January-2003, 02:37 PM
Originally posted by DavidB
She will beat me up anyway...

I'm getting worried about you I think you're getting to like it:what:

Anyway ... who told me women were non-violent and non-agressive .... seems like anytime I disagreed with any of the Female Terror Squad at the weekend (i.e. Sheena Heather, Helen, Sarah) they expressed their point of view with acts of wanton violence.... or is it just me?:sick:

Will
8th-January-2003, 02:46 PM
I hear-by officially dis-associate myself from the above joke, that it is not the SLIGHTEST bit funny or amusing.... that I don't even know and have never met DavidB or Gus... and officially protest at the above joke. I do now hope the forum moderator will deal with these 2 vagrants in the harsh way that they deserve...

Despite what DISGUSTING innuendo's that Gus' joke and DavidB's comments suggest, I personally want to go on record and CATAGORICALLY refute what those idiots are implying as I HAVE PERSONALLY MET SANTA CLAUS!

Yours Sincerely,


Will

Gus
8th-January-2003, 02:49 PM
Originally posted by Will

Despite what DISGUSTING innuendo's that Gus' joke and DavidB's comments suggest, I personally want to go on record and CATAGORICALLY refute what those idiots are implying as I HAVE PERSONALLY MET SANTA CLAUS!

Yours Sincerely,


Will

Will ... congratulations on your 100th posting ... and in such style ... and may borrow some of your medication ... looks like its goooood stuff:wink:

Will
8th-January-2003, 02:55 PM
Thankyou Gus (You Santa Murderer :reallymad ) I hadn't noticed that. Nice one.

Steven
8th-January-2003, 03:24 PM
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old
son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who
want to get off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your arse in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding,
we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."

Thought this was brilliant!! :grin: :grin:

Steven

Steven
8th-January-2003, 03:26 PM
Another slightly cleaner joke!

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room, returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet fussed the dog and took it out, but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird.

The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably ..... dead."
He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!, "she cried, "£150 just to tell me my bird is dead.!!"
The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been £20, but what with the Lab report and the cat scan......"

Cheers
Steven

Steven
8th-January-2003, 03:29 PM
I am possibly taking a risk posting a blonde joke but I will take my chances.

THE FEMALE BOSS ...


Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave
right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early ?
The brunette was thrilled to go home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a noise from inside. Slowly and quietly,
she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss ! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

Alfie
8th-January-2003, 06:59 PM
A Brunette walked into the doctors coplaining of being in pain all over her body.
" Impossible said the Doctor, Show me"
"Look" said the Brunette and pressed her elbow and cried out in pain.
She then pressed on her thigh, again crying out in pain.
"See" said the Brunette
"Show me again" said the Doctor.
The Brunette then pressed her knee crying out in pain again.
The Doctor looked very closely at her and said "You're a blond really aren't you?"
"Yes " said the brunette. "How did you know?"
" You have broken your finger!!" said the Doctor

Tiggerbabe
8th-January-2003, 07:54 PM
Originally posted by Gus


seems like anytime I disagreed with any of the Female Terror Squad at the weekend (i.e. Sheena Heather, Helen, Sarah) they expressed their point of view with acts of wanton violence.... or is it just me?:sick:

FEMALE TERROR SQUAD EH?????? And didn't you just LOVE it ? :wink:
And anyway you know you were "wanton" all the attention.........:yum: :yum:

Steven
9th-January-2003, 02:01 PM
Here is my joke for today:

Irishman Drunk and Falling Down

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell
flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

TheTramp
9th-January-2003, 02:14 PM
Very funny. I like that one Steven!! :D

Steve

Lou
31st-January-2003, 06:40 PM
Tony Blair is being shown around a hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious signs of injury.
He goes to greet the first and the chap replies:

"FAIR fa' your honest sonsie face,

Great chieftain e' the puddin'.race!

Aboon them a' ye tak your place,

Painch, tripe, or thairm:

Weel are ye wordy o' a grace

As lang 's my arm."

Tony, being somewhat confused goes to the next patient and greets him. The patient replies:

"Some hae meat, and canna eat,

And some wad eat that want it,

But we hae meat and we can eat,

And sae the Lord be thankit."

The third starts rattling off as follows:

"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,

O, what a panic's in thy breastie!

Thou need na start awa sae hasty,

Wi bickering brattle!

I wad be laith to rin an chase thee,

Wi murdering pattle!"

Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of ward this is. A mental ward?

"No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."

TheTramp
4th-February-2003, 01:02 PM
One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a Man U fan all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share. The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighbouring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in free of charge.

They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he'd sleep in the barn. The Hindu and the Man U fan were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Jew.

"I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a pig in that barn and because I'm Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."

"No problem," said the Hindu. "I'll sleep out there instead." So off he went to the barn, leaving the Man U fan and the Jew to share the room.

They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a cow in that barn and because I'm a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."

The Man U fan grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room.

The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door.



>>>>>>>>>



>>>>>>>>>>>>





>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>







It was the cow and the pig.

filthycute
5th-February-2003, 01:34 PM
A Man walks into a pub carrying an octopus. He claimed this octopus was like no other and in fact a very talented musician.
None of the locals believed him so he gave them a challenge.
"You give him any instument you want and if he can play it you owe me 50 quid. If he can't, i'll give you 50 quid."
One guy steps forward and hands the octopus a guitar. The octopus strums on the guitar, doing his best slade impersonation. The guy was stunned and handed over his 50 quid.
Next up a guy hands the octopus a trumpet. The octopus was better then Louis Armstrong! Another stunned punter and another 50 quid.
Then a scottish guy handed the octopus a set of bagpipes. Puzzled the octopus turned it upside down, flipped it around and looked at it strangely.
"AHHH" said the scotsman....."I knew he wouldn't be able to play it!"

The octopus replied...."Play it???? ....I'm gonna f*** it when i figure out how to get it's pjamas off!!!!"

ooops! maybe a little too cheeky
:rolleyes: :yum:

filthycute x x

TheTramp
5th-February-2003, 06:17 PM
ooops! maybe a little too cheeky Mel. Would we expect any less??

Steve

Dance Demon
6th-February-2003, 08:58 PM
How many Man. U . supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

20,001










One to change the bulb , and 20,000 to drive up from London to watch him do it!!!!!!!:wink:
DD:devil:

Alfie
7th-February-2003, 09:58 PM
Mummy and Baby Polar bear sitting out on an Ice Flow.

Baby;"Mum, am I really a Polar Bear?"

Mum;"Yes Son."

Baby;"Are you sure?"

Mum;"Yes Son."

Baby:"I'm not a Brown Bear?"

Mum:"No Son"

Baby;"I'm not a Grizzily Bear Then?"

Mum;"No Son."

Baby;"So there is no chance of me being a Panda then?"

Mum;"No Son , Why do you ask?"

Baby;" I just wondered."

Mum;"Why's That then?"



Baby:"Coz I'm F#!*ing FREEZING!!!!!!"

pennyb
10th-February-2003, 02:17 PM
A young boy goes up to his dad and asks "Dad, what's the difference between potentially and realistically?"

"Well son," says the boys father "ask your mother if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds, then ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds, then come and tell me what you've learned."

So the boy asks his mother and she says "Oh yes, I'd be crazy to pass up an opportunity like that." Then the boy asks his sister and she says "Brad Pitt? I'd sleep with him for free. The million pounds would be the icing on the cake."

The boy mulls this over for a few days and then goes to see his father.

"So son," says his father "what have you learned?"

"Well," said the son. "Potentially we're sitting on two million quid but realistically we're living with a pair of slappers."

"That's my boy!"

Dance Demon
12th-February-2003, 06:21 PM
The Florida State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Osceola, Polk, Manatee, Orange and Dade Counties.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly.

They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity.

People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.





Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
:D
DD:devil:

TheTramp
12th-February-2003, 06:36 PM
"Well son," says the boys father "ask your mother if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds, then ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds, then come and tell me what you've learned."Well. I am in a movie with Robert Redford and Brad Pitt :D

Was employed last year to be a dance extra for the movie 'Spygame'. Unfortunately, they cut the dance bit, but if you look really closely, you can just see me in the background for a very, very short part of one scene. Of course, if you didn't know it was me, you wouldn't be able to guess.

But I know :na:

Steve

Tiggerbabe
14th-February-2003, 10:22 PM
Ok guys - today's joke as told to me by my "BIG" boss..............

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.

The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a
torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!

But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and
compassion. After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink.

Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and
orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar
patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in
disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father,
shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another
drink!"

The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink
again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!!!"

The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down,
grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks
God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.......then to the
right...... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck
runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says...
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
.... "He should've quit while he was a head!"



:cheers:

Steven
4th-March-2003, 12:11 PM
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a
loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!". He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you
help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring with rain!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you
remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?" "I think you should help him, and should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

Tiggerbabe
4th-March-2003, 08:30 PM
:D :D :D

TheTramp
12th-March-2003, 12:19 PM
At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he worked for Apple, and would be quite content to stay onboard.

With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

Steve

Edited to stay out of Franck's good books (See below post) :D

Sal
12th-March-2003, 12:54 PM
You are trying to get into Franck's good books by slating Microsoft!:devil:

TheTramp
12th-March-2003, 01:01 PM
Ummmm. That must be it. Or not :D

Steve

Franck
12th-March-2003, 01:08 PM
Originally posted by TheTramp
With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

Steve

Edited to stay out of Franck's good books (See below post) :D Hey! :D But the plane would look damn good :D

Taking delivery of my new imac (http://www.apple.com/imac) today... Can't wait! :drool: :waycool: :grin:

Franck.

Emma
12th-March-2003, 01:10 PM
Originally posted by Franck


Taking delivery of my new imac (http://www.apple.com/imac) today... Can't wait! :drool: :waycool: :grin:

Franck.

Show off!!! :wink:

TheTramp
12th-March-2003, 01:15 PM
Yeah. They do look damn good.

I guess that they had to have something going for them though :D

Steve

Graham
12th-March-2003, 01:24 PM
Originally posted by TheTramp
Yeah. They do look damn good.

I guess that they had to have something going for them though :D

Steve

They're also quite easy to use. That's probably why they sell a lot in the US and France :devil:

Franck
12th-March-2003, 01:27 PM
Originally posted by TheTramp
Yeah. They do look damn good.

I guess that they had to have something going for them though :DDon't worry Steve, I know you're just saying that because you wish you had one too :wink: :na:

In fact, as I was typing that, the doorbell rang and my new shiny imac is here :D :D So I might not post for a while, as I open the box and admire it! :waycool:

Franck.

Sal
12th-March-2003, 02:38 PM
Which implies that it is no good to use if you can only look at it!:devil:

TheTramp
12th-March-2003, 02:41 PM
Hey Sal.

That's not true.

It's great on a coffee table.

Or maybe on the mantlepiece!! :devil: :D

And as for actively using it. How about as a doorstop. Or 2 of them, as bookends?!?

Steve

PeterL
12th-March-2003, 03:06 PM
http://cache.techtv.com/graphics/thescreensavers/ss_surflineiron.2134647.jpg

PeterL
12th-March-2003, 03:09 PM
How come when I posted the above in the test area the image showed. but when I posted it in this thread it showed a link?

Will
12th-March-2003, 04:13 PM
Originally posted by PeterL
How come when I posted the above in the test area the image showed. but when I posted it in this thread it showed a link?

This is what I was saying to you in the car on the way back from Fleet on Saturday night Franck. :wink:

Will
12th-March-2003, 04:15 PM
Originally posted by Franck
Hey! :D But the plane would look damn good :D

Taking delivery of my new imac today... Can't wait! :drool: :waycool: :grin:

Franck.

Look good? Why? Because it's had all it's hair removed??? :confused:

PeterL
12th-March-2003, 06:06 PM
http://cache.techtv.com/graphics/thescreensavers/ss_surflineiron.2134647.jpg <table border="1" cellpadding="1" cellspacing="0"> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Feature</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica"><b>APPLE iMAC</b></font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica"><b>ROWENTA Surf-Line</b></font></td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Handle/Transportable</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Yes</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Yes</font></td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100" nowrap><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Hotter than a Pentium II</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">No</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Yes</font></td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Auto Off</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Yes</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Yes</font></td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Programmable</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Yes</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Yes</font></td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Easy to use</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Yes</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Yes</font></td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Keyboard and Mouse</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Yes</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">No</font></td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Rotating knob</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">No</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Yes</font></td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Plug and Play</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Yes</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Yes</font></td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Translucent Design</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Yes</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Yes</font></td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Pros</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Mental Floss</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Quality/Price Ratio</font></td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Cons</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">No steam - No glide</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Doesn't compute!</font></td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Cost</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">1299$</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">50$</font></td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Overall Value</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">good </font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">excellent</font></td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Mices</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">4</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">4</font></td> </tr> </table>

Steven
12th-March-2003, 06:35 PM
Ahh you may mock but the imacs no longer look like that.

They are still a bit weird looking though!!

http://a1408.g.akamai.net/7/1408/51/63db417aade07e/www.apple.com/uk/imac/images/indextop01232003.jpg

Cheers
Steven

P.S. Any good Franck???

Wendy
17th-March-2003, 12:41 AM
I think they are cute and they are such a laugh in that ad... but can they shimmy ????

Wx

TheTramp
17th-March-2003, 01:25 PM
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being a solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting.

"Well, son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Lets head to the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints, or more, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good as well as the bad. He went on to tell his friends that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers.

After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I am gone."

============================================
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

============================================
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella _that got to be 145!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy?

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
===========================================

Steve

Steven
17th-March-2003, 02:26 PM
Irish Wedding Dance


A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the sh * t out of each other.

The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says, 'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.' The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, 'OK.'

'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'

'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my f**king fingers .....

CJ
18th-March-2003, 02:49 AM
some are harsher than others. Drummer ones are worth a peek...

Music Jokes here (http://www.readitandweep.dial.pipex.com/jokes.htm)

e.g.

Band are on the road... just after soundcheck, the guys sit down on stage to have tea. The guitarist brings out his thermos, and proceeds to pour himself a coffee.

The drummer notices and asks the guitarist, "What's that?" "It's a thermos flask." was the reply. "What does that do?" asked the drummer... "Well, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, so I've got some piping hot coffee in it." says the guitarist. WELL COOL thinks the drummer.

Next town... soundcheck done... drummer brings out brand new thermos flask. Bassist says, "What's that?" Drummer replies, "Oh, Ijust got this today, it's a thermos flask: it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. Fantastic."

"So, what you got in it?" asks the bassist. "Some soup and 2 ice lollies," was the reply.

PeterL
18th-March-2003, 10:17 AM
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an
organization...
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed
that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It
seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the bus-boy
brought our
water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket,
then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their

pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen
Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes.
After
several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was
the
most frequently dropped utensil. This represents a drop frequency of
approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared
to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the

kitchen and
save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it
with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen
instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was rather impressed.
I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's
fly.
Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string
hanging from their flies My curiosity got the better of me and before he
walked
off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that
string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as
observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that
we can save time in the restroom." "How so?" "See," he continued," by tying
this
string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal
without touching
it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time
spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know
about the others, but I use the spoon."

PeterL
18th-March-2003, 12:12 PM
You have got to check out this link. (http://sport.guardian.co.uk/cricketworldcup2003/overbyover/story/0,12864,914033,00.html)

TheTramp
18th-March-2003, 07:31 PM
Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."

"Whose clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."

Hillary asked, "Where's Bill's clock?"

"Bill's clock is in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan." :D :D

Steve

filthycute
20th-March-2003, 03:04 PM
A Man walks into a chiropodists and slams his willie on the table.
Alarmed, the chiropodist says " I can't treat that!!, it's not a foot!"
"Yeah but it's a good 10 inches" replies the man :wink:

==============================================

A bride and groom go to bed on their wedding night. The bride gets thirsty so her husband goes downstairs for a glass of water.
Cheekily he pokes his willie around the door...."are you scared?"

Giggling, the bride shouts "no"

He sticks it around some more...."Are you scared now?"

Still giggling she shouts "no"

"Ok" says the Man, "i'm coming up the stairs!!!"

filthycute x x

filthycute
20th-March-2003, 03:08 PM
A man goes into a shop and asks the assistant if she has any potato clocks in stock.

Puzzled the assistant went ask her colleagues, then her supervisor.....they were all stumped.

She returned to the man and told him they didn't have any potato clocks, in fact they'd never heard of them.
"Where did you hear about these clocks sir?"

Well my boss told me i wouldn't keep being late for work if i got a potato clock.

filthycute x x

Dance Demon
30th-March-2003, 12:29 PM
A leggy blonde takes her sports car to a garage and tells the mechanic that she needs a new 710. The mechanic looks puzzled and says " I'm sorry, I don't know what a 710 is". "well its in the engine " she replies, "but my ones missing". The mechanic tells her to open the bonnet, and show him where it should be. She opens the bonnet, and pointing to the engine says , It used to be there but now it's gone........The mechanic smiles and says....................Oh! you want a new OIL filler cap then?..............

Divissima
30th-March-2003, 06:51 PM
What do Mexicans have under their carpets?

Underlay, underlay!

Dance Demon
30th-March-2003, 10:09 PM
Q. What's the difference between Brussel Sprouts and bogeys?

A. You can't get kids to eat brussel sprouts?:sick:

CJ
31st-March-2003, 02:26 PM
ask me if I'm an orange....

TheTramp
31st-March-2003, 02:27 PM
Rob

Are you an orange?

Steve

CJ
31st-March-2003, 02:33 PM
no.

Aleks
31st-March-2003, 03:00 PM
Originally posted by Ceroc Jock
no.


So WHAT are you then?

Dance Demon
6th-April-2003, 01:45 PM
A pretty blonde was sitting in the 1st class compartment of a jumbo jet bound for New York. A stewardess informed her that as she only had an economy class ticket, she would have to vacate her seat. "I don't have to move " was the blonde's reply, " Im blonde and pretty, and I'm staying here." The chief steward , then attempted to get her to vacate her seat, and was met with the same response,
The chief steward then informed the pilot, who told the blonde" look, I'm the pilot of this plane, and if you don't move, then .the plane won't be moving either". I,don't care" she said, " I'm blonde and pretty, and I am staying in this seat". At that the co-pilot appeare, and asked what was going on. The pilot explained the situation, and the co-pilot said"OK let me have a try". He went over to the blonde and whispered in her ear. She immediately got up, gathered her belongings, and moved to economy. "What on earth did you say to her" asked the pilot.
Oh that was easy replied the co-pilot.....................................
.................................................. .............I just told her that this part of the plane wasn't going to New York.....................:D

TheTramp
8th-April-2003, 09:37 AM
Alma returned from a doctor's visit one day and told her husband that the doctor said she only had 24hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, she asked him to make love with her. Of course he agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Alma went to him again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Paul agrees and again they make love. Later, Alma is getting into bed when she realized she now had only eight hours of life left. She touched Paul's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." he agreed, than afterward he rolled over and fell asleep.

Alma, however, heard the clock ticking in her head, and she tossed and turned until she was down to only four more hours. She tapped her husband on the shoulder to wake him up.

"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" Her husband sat up abruptly, turned to her and said, "Listen Alma, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."

Aleks
9th-April-2003, 03:10 PM
Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell which, by
mistake,
happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around
nervously, but it
was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried...but no answer.
"Is there
anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no
answer.... Now the
female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled:
"HELLO, IS
THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a voice from far, far away . . . "Hello -
we're all down
here . . . . "

Dance Demon
9th-April-2003, 05:18 PM
A guy decides he has really been a woman trapped in a mans body all his life and decides to have a sex change. He goes into hospital for the op. and a few days later his best mate comes to visit. "Ooh you,re really brave " he says, "It must have been really painful, getting all your bits cut off". ..."Yes it was " the guy replied, " but it wasn't the most painful part". "so what was then" asked his mate. Well the most painful part of becoming a woman was the bit where they stretched my mouth, and removed my brain............................................. ....:devil: :devil:

Touche

Lou
10th-April-2003, 11:24 AM
A couple was celebrating their GOLDEN wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. Everyone said: "What a peaceful & loving couple". A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife quietly said 'That's once.'

"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said: 'That's twice.'

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

"I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse, when she looked at me, and quietly said: 'That's once'.

"And we lived happily ever after".

Steven
17th-April-2003, 03:13 PM
A bloke is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud;
"Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot".

"Holy ****", the bloke replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word", says the parrot. "I happen to be a highlyintelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the bloke asks, "Then answer this how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well", the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my **** around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The bloke looks at the 200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for 20, just make the guy an offer!"

The bloke offers 20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's insightful. The bloke is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the bloke.

"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" the bloke asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.

"My God!" the bloke exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down."

"WELL???" demands the frantic bloke, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"F*** knows, I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!!

Dreadful Scathe
22nd-April-2003, 12:54 PM
What have the films TITANIC and SIXTH SENSE got in common ?


Icy Dead People




(hehe :D)

Steven
30th-April-2003, 04:38 PM
It has just been reported that Major Charles Ingram has been found hanged.

As a mark of respect the BBC have announced that they will pay for the funeral but not the coffin!!!!!!


Cheers
Steven

Dance Demon
4th-May-2003, 12:55 PM
Latest reports from Iraq state that Saddam Hussein is dead.
Apparently he was dressed in a British Army uniform,..................................and the Americans shot him..........:D

Dave Hancock
15th-May-2003, 09:04 AM
Four retired guys are walking down a street in Miami Beach. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says "Old Timer's Bar ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!" They look at each other then go in. On the inside, they realize in this case, they should not judge the 'book by its cover.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?" There seems to be a fully-stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini.

In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis, shaken not stirred, and says, "That'll be 10 cents each , please." The four men stare at the bartender for a moment then look at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 more cents,
please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis, and so far they've spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same."

"Wow. That's quite a story." says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh, they're on vacation from Aberdeen. They're waiting for happy hour."

Dance Demon
15th-May-2003, 05:40 PM
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Chicklet
16th-May-2003, 10:29 AM
The following advertisement in the Melbourne Age magazine is reported to have received numerous calls:

Single Black Female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the bush, riding in your 4X4, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours.
Call xxxxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy.










Over 5,000 men found themselves talking to the RSPCA about an eight week-old black Labrador Retriever puppy.

Men are so easy.

Dreadful Scathe
16th-May-2003, 11:36 AM
Originally posted by Chicklet
Over 5,000 men found themselves talking to the RSPCA about an eight week-old black Labrador Retriever puppy.

Men are so easy.

reminds me of that famous irn-bru billboard advert - old country gent sitting on padded chair in book lined library with his golden labradors at his feet.

tagline 'I love drinking irn-bru, and so do my bitches' ;)

Chicklet
16th-May-2003, 11:42 AM
Originally posted by Dreadful Scathe
reminds me of that famous irn-bru billboard advert - old country gent sitting on padded chair in book lined library with his golden labradors at his feet.

tagline 'I love drinking irn-bru, and so do my bitches' ;)


never saw this one, but it's a classic all right!!:rofl:

Dance Demon
16th-May-2003, 04:30 PM
Two guys were travelling to work in the car. The passenger asks the driver to stop at the corner shop, so he can buy some fags and a paper. When he returns to the car, he looks really embarassed. His mate asks him what's wrong and he says "The young girl in the shop had enourmous knockers, and a low cut top on, and I couldn't take my eyes off her. When she came to serve me I said, a Daily Star please, and twenty Embassy Tits, instead of Embassy Tipped.... I was really embarrassed...."

Oh don't worry said his mate, thats what you call a Freudian slip, when you mean to say one thing but something totally different comes out. In fact it happened to me this morning at breakfast.
I had just poured the corn flakes into the bowl, and I turned to my wife, ...and what I meant to say was.." could you pass me the milk darling.......and what came out was........you've ruined my life you fat cow!!!!!!!!!

Dreadful Scathe
22nd-May-2003, 05:08 PM
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it.

I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're
closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the
night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I
said "Did you get my drift?".

I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a
complaint,
this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a
fast one".

I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
"Eurostar?".I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He
said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
Wedgie Kray.

I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a
red
rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked
for a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
competition
and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

This bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your
carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
converter.

I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance
caller",
he said "Not you again".

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there
was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran,
even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
bisatchel.

I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I
said "Are you two an item?".

A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I
thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want
your type in here"

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't
start anything"

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this
some kind of joke?"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food
in
here"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

A seal walks into a club...

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint
please, and one for the road."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the
bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?"
they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess
nuts
boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in
Spain,
they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished
she
also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins.
If
you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Wendy
22nd-May-2003, 05:44 PM
Thanks DS .. lol.. very funny... apart from the seal one :tears: :sick:

Wxxx

filthycute
23rd-May-2003, 04:01 PM
Did you know that God actually created woman first?
After making Eve he stood back to admire his vision of perfection and asked her what she thought.
She replied, "I think you've done a wonderful job but i'm not sure i need three breats"
This got God thinking.....now what would he do with this useless tit.....

Then he created man. :yum:

filthycute x x

filthycute
23rd-May-2003, 04:06 PM
Adam--- "God, Why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God------"So you would love her"
Adam-----"So why did you make her so stupid?"
God-------"So she would love you!"


filthycute x x

Dreadful Scathe
23rd-May-2003, 04:06 PM
Originally posted by filthycute
Did you know that God actually created woman first?
After making Eve he stood back to admire his vision of perfection and asked her what she thought.
She replied, "I think you've done a wonderful job but i'm not sure i need three breasts"


Just goes to show you - on the day of creation woman was alreading complaining. Some things never change :).

Tiggerbabe
23rd-May-2003, 08:06 PM
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair, all different colours green, red, purple, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared.
The young man said to him, "What's the matter Old Timer?
Never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man replied, "Got drunk once and f****d a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Tiggerbabe
23rd-May-2003, 08:10 PM
Here's one for Graham...................

Lou
4th-June-2003, 01:48 PM
One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake. Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slided over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped her in it then began looking for a car to flag down.

Coincidentally the father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?" he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man." "Ah, well..." stammers the tramp, "... uh, I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out."

"Oh dear," says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten pounds - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe."

"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten pounds is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that'll be plenty."

"Ten pounds," thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!" and off he goes to the town to buy himself a holiday.

He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff -and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!"

"Ahem, which holiday would sir like?" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.

"Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten pounds," replies the tramp.

"TEN POUNDS! You'll NEVER get a holiday for ten pounds," says the girl incredulously.

She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file.

"Well you'll never believe it," she says to the tramp, back in the shop. "I've got you a holiday - it's a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten pounds."

"Yoinks!" exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it!"

A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen.

"Get off my ship you dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.

"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "super-duper,ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"

"Well okay," says the captain, "but you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then."

So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep.

"Psst," says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain. "Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin."

The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship!

First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets - 6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere. Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep, and so on... 3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down

through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.

"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own." "I'm glad you like it," replies the captain, "but there is one more thing...

Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."

Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...

Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below.

He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived... and what a dive...!

Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple. Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this. "That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?"

"Um, well I've never actually dived before," replied the tramp. "Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen..." He broke off. "Hey, I've got an idea", he started again. "How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"

"It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it.

Then one morning the captain comes to talk. "Okay, I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you."

"Okay," agreed the tramp.

Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal. "Well, tramp," said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie-talkie. And the tramp began to climb...

up and up...below him the ship grew smaller...on and on...past a solitary albatross...and still higher...till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below...and on still further...till the ocean grew dim...and the earth itself...began to shrink...past our moon...and on...and Mars...and on...higher, and higher...through the asteroid belt...and on and on towards the diving board...past the outer planets, until...on the outermost reaches of the Solar System...he reached the board.He climbed on top and radioed the captain...and then...he jumped. .

Slowly at first but speeding up faster, and faster, speeding past Pluto, and the other outer planets, through the asteroid belt, past Mars, and the moon, faster, and faster, faster - ever faster, and by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear, faster, and faster, past the albatross, double-back somersault, and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance, hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet, Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!!"

The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip,and dove...NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!

DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!

SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!

DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!

SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!

DOWN!

DOWN!

THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!

THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!

SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!

AND DOWN THROUGH THE STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!

STILL DOWN...!

DEEPER,

DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,

TILL.........

SMASH!

Into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.

Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface.Up and up, desperate, gasping...Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim.

"HERO!" "WONDERFUL!" "AMAZING!" "BLOODY GOOD SHOW THAT!"

And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd."Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen."

The tramp blushed.

The captain went on, "but tell me, most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it."

And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly:"Well you see... I'm a just poor tramp... so you must understand... I've been through many a hardship in my life."

Lou
4th-June-2003, 01:56 PM
1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key..."

2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that
he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the
steaks are too high."

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled
him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,
I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have
your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog
up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says,
"I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck
up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."

14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your
oyster, go for it.'

17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad, Or my older brother Colin, Or my younger brother
Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think it's Colin.

18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
Fine.' So that was nice."

21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Chicklet
4th-June-2003, 01:56 PM
I thought the tramp was FLYING to Oz. wrong again obviously

DavidY
4th-June-2003, 04:08 PM
These are (allegedly anyway) GCSE English 2002 Essay Quotes...


* Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

* His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.

* She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

* The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

* McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.

* Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

* Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre

* Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

* He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

* The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

* Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

* The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

* John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

* The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

* The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.

* Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

* The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Family Fortunes.

* Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

* The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

* The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for while.

* Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31p-a-pint night.

* He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

* Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

* She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

* It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.

* The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.

* The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

* The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.

* The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.

* It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.

* He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.

* She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.

* She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.

* She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

* Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

* It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.


Made me laugh, anyway....
David

Dreadful Scathe
4th-June-2003, 04:39 PM
Originally posted by DavidY
These are (allegedly anyway) GCSE English 2002 Essay Quotes...


yeah very funny - i thought so when i posted it to the forum too :D

that was a few months ago mind...

(they are American high school metaphors though not British, someone has altered them to be British related)

go here to see the original (http://www.cerocscotland.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=525&highlight=vegetable+soup)

DavidY
4th-June-2003, 05:36 PM
Originally posted by Dreadful Scathe
yeah very funny - i thought so when i posted it to the forum too :D

I did have a quick check first to look to see if they'd been posted before but obviously didn't use the right search criteria (some words were different in the US version).

I never 100% believed the GCSE English thing either (hence the "allegedly" above)

:sorry :sorry

Still amusing though...

DavidY
4th-June-2003, 10:41 PM
Originally posted by Dreadful Scathe
yeah very funny - i thought so when i posted it to the forum too :D

that was a few months ago mind...

(they are American high school metaphors though not British, someone has altered them to be British related)

go here to see the original (http://www.cerocscotland.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=525&highlight=vegetable+soup) After reading this post I got intrigued and tried to find the origin of these. Best I can find is a Washingon Post 'Bad Analogies' competition in 1999.Washington Post page (http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/style/invitational/invit990314.htm). I dunno if that's the real original or if there are other even older precursors.

Looks like they weren't written by school kids though...

David

PeterL
5th-June-2003, 09:20 AM
look what's appeared on the interpol website (http://www.interpol.int/Viewer/viewphoto.asp?%54%65%78%74=Wanted&ImageName=http://boogie.webspace.fish.co.uk/aerials1.jpg)

Aleks
5th-June-2003, 09:28 AM
Originally posted by PeterL
look what's appeared on the interpol website (http://www.interpol.int/Viewer/viewphoto.asp?%54%65%78%74=Wanted&ImageName=http://boogie.webspace.fish.co.uk/aerials1.jpg)

Do we have a new suspect for the murder cases???

Dreadful Scathe
5th-June-2003, 09:35 AM
Originally posted by DavidY


Looks like they weren't written by school kids though...


Who can tell? The free information of the Internet means you cant tell the chaff from the wheat anymore - but then its fairly likely that the majority of information contains innacuracies when its reported by anything other than first hand. Which basically means every news article you read is probably lies and the internet makes the 'chinese whispers' all the more prevelant. :)

Don't trust anyone, but keep an open mind.

Have a nice day :).

Mr.Paranoia

Sandy
5th-June-2003, 10:05 AM
Someone sent me this and I thought it quite good

"Uncle Gigsy Wiggsy


> David Beckham runs in early from training one afternoon and dashes to
the
> bedroom to find Posh spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.
>
>
> Becks asks her suspiciously "What are you doing?"
> Posh stutters a reply "I'm - er, er.... I'm having a heart attack"
> "Oh no" he cries in despair. "I'll call an ambulance".
> He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialling 999.
However,
he
> is stopped in his tracks by a tearful Brooklyn.
>
>
> "What's the matter, son?" asks Becks.
> "Uncle Giggsy is in the wardrobe with no clothes on, daddy" sniffles
> Brooklyn.
> Infuriated by this, Beckham runs upstairs and kicks down the wardrobe
door.
> Sure enough, the carpet-chested Welshman is stood there, starkers.
>
>
> "You w@nker Giggsy" screams Becks.
> "My wife is right over there having a heart attack, and you're running
> around naked scaring the ***** out of Brooklyn."
>
Sandy :wink:

Aleks
5th-June-2003, 10:32 AM
A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife
"Y'know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station. Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole. Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go. From now on, when I says 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked. When I says 'Bell two', you jump on de bed. When I says 'Bell tree', we's gonna mek love all tru de night."
The next night he came home and shouted 'Bell one' and she stripped naked. 'Bell two' and she jumps on the bed. 'Bell tree' and they started to make love. After a few minutes the wife yelled out "Bell four". "What de hell is 'Bell four'?" He asked. She replied : "Roll out more hose, man, you ain't nowhere near de fire."

Sandy
5th-June-2003, 10:42 AM
made me laugh.

:wink:

Sandy
5th-June-2003, 10:45 AM
just a teeny bit risky!

How to shower like a woman:
> >
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to
whites and coloured. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you
see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
> >
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more
sit-ups. Get in shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.
> >
Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash
hair again to make sure it is clean. Condition hair with grapefruit mint
conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair
for 15 minutes.
> >
Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash
entire rest of body with ginger-nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in
shower, spray mould spots with Exit Mould.
> >



Get out of shower.
> >
Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent
towel. Check entire body for spots, tweeze hairs.
> >
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see
husband along the way, cover any exposed areas.
> >
> > ************************************************** *****************
> >
> > How to Shower Like A Man:
> >
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed. Leave in a pile. Walk
naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake knob at her
making woo-hoo sound. Look at manly physique in the mirror.
Admire size of your knob and scratch your ass.
> >
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your
hands and let the water rinse them off. Make huge fart noises (real or
artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower. Spend
majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt
leaving those coarse hairs stuck on the soap.
> >
Shampoo hair. Make shampoo Mohawk.
> >
Pee.
> >
Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on
floor. Admire knob size in mirror again. Leave shower door open, wet mat on
floor, light and fan on.
> >
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel,
shake knob at her and make woo-hoo noise again. Throw wet towel on bed.


Recognise yourself anyone????

:wink:

Jayne
5th-June-2003, 11:00 AM
What do you get hanging from trees?










Sore arms.

J :nice:

PeterL
5th-June-2003, 11:02 AM
Originally posted by Jayne
What do you get hanging from trees?


sore arms









J :nice:
Sore arms.
edited .
never read the answer sorry thought you just posted the question

Claire
30th-June-2003, 11:09 PM
I can't remember who told me about the site that I found this joke on..... apologies if it has already been written on here..... but it does make me chuckle so I thought I would post it!



For anyone who ever tried or thought about cheating in an exam.......

At Sydney University, there were four students taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.These four friends were so confident with the finals approaching that the weekend before, they decided to go down to Canberra and party with some friends there. They had a great time. However, after all the hard partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Sydney until early Monday morning - the morning of their final exam!

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor AFTER the exam and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to Canberra to do some research in the ANU archives for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tyre, on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they only just arrived now! The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up their final exam the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied hard that night - all night - and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.

He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. The first problem was worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they all thought in their separate rooms, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

Question 2 (for 95 points): Which tyre?

xSalsa_Angelx
1st-July-2003, 08:12 AM
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had
not had a date or any
sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have
something wrong with
her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a
sex therapist. Her
doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese
sex therapist, Dr.
Chang, so she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said,
"OK, take off all your
crose."
The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and
craw reery, reery fass
to odderside of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery
fass back to me." So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your
probrem vewy bad. You haf
Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever did see. Dat
why you not haf sex or dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God,
Dr.Chang, what is Ed
Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and
replied: "Ed Zachary Disease
is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."

:rofl:

Jayne
1st-July-2003, 09:23 AM
hope this works...

J :nice:

Jayne
1st-July-2003, 09:30 AM
Originally posted by Jayne
hope this works...

J :nice:

I'll try again later...

sorry!
J :sorry

Graham
1st-July-2003, 10:24 AM
Originally posted by Jayne
hope this works...

J :nice:
Ah, the motto of the research scientist!

(and the results, apparently :wink: )

Sal
1st-July-2003, 10:35 AM
President Bush and one of his advisors go for lunch in a fancy restaurant. After a quick look at the menus, the waitress appeared and asked what the gentlemen wanted.

Bush replies "I fancy a quickie"

The waitress stared in shock then stomped off in disgust.

The advisor leaned over and whispered to Bush "Sir, it is pronounced quiche!"

xSalsa_Angelx
1st-July-2003, 10:45 AM
Q. How do you swat 200 flies at one time
A. Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving

Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?
A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles
an hour.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Sandy
1st-July-2003, 12:55 PM
Your jokes made me laugh out loud!:grin:

Now who are you Salsa Angel??? Do you go on a Tuesday to Aberdeen class?? Will you be there tonight??

Sandy:cheers:

Jayne
1st-July-2003, 01:19 PM
Originally posted by Graham
Ah, the motto of the research scientist!

(and the results, apparently :wink: )


J
:na:

xSalsa_Angelx
1st-July-2003, 03:03 PM
Hi Sandy.... glad I could make you laugh, I took out the dirty ones there were worse than then, but too rude to stick on the forum,

Im Lynz, and I go to 'O' Donoghues on Thursday nights, might start going on Tuesday nights to Peterculter within the next 3 weeks, as my boyfriend is away in Norway working for a month then :tears:

You will easily spot me, Good looking and Red hair doon tae ma ass..!!!! :yum:

TheTramp
1st-July-2003, 03:11 PM
Originally posted by xSalsa_Angelx
Hi Sandy.... glad I could make you laugh, I took out the dirty ones there were worse than then, but too rude to stick on the forum,

Im Lynz, and I go to 'O' Donoghues on Thursday nights, might start going on Tuesday nights to Peterculter within the next 3 weeks, as my boyfriend is away in Norway working for a month then :tears:

You will easily spot me, Good looking and Red hair doon tae ma ass..!!!! :yum: Ah. Well make sure that you come along there on the 15th, as that'll be my first night, and I'll be very nervous. So will need lots of support from all the forum members... :D

Steve

xSalsa_Angelx
1st-July-2003, 03:13 PM
will try and get along then steve, if not my first night there will be the 22nd, :cheers:

TheTramp
1st-July-2003, 03:32 PM
Make sure that you come along and say hello then.

I'll be easy to spot. I'll be the one with the CDs (well, mostly laptop actually I guess...)

Steve

xSalsa_Angelx
1st-July-2003, 03:54 PM
Will do steve... :wink:
In the meantime here is another joke I dug up from my Inbox

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love
to his mistress.
>Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
>
>"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery,
>spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
>
>the inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
>"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Mossie Quinn the
>redneck from Kerry, 30, struck by lightning."
>"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
>"Thought he was having his picture taken."

Sal
1st-July-2003, 04:17 PM
Originally posted by TheTramp
Ah. Well make sure that you come along there on the 15th, as that'll be my first night, and I'll be very nervous. So will need lots of support from all the forum members... :D

Steve

I'll be there - looking forward to seeing you!

Graham
1st-July-2003, 04:27 PM
Originally posted by xSalsa_Angelx
You will easily spot me, Good looking :yum: and so modest!

xSalsa_Angelx
1st-July-2003, 04:30 PM
Originally posted by Graham
and so modest!

Not really just taking the ****, but can't help what everyone think can I..??? :wink:

Grant
1st-July-2003, 04:31 PM
Originally posted by Graham
and so modest!
you really are on form today Graham. something you ate...or just something you hate?:wink:

Grant

Graham
1st-July-2003, 04:41 PM
Originally posted by Grant
you really are on form today Graham. something you ate...or just something you hate?:wink:
You're always making me out to be this nasty bully character, Grant, when really I'm just a warm cuddly kinda guy. :innocent:

Chicklet
1st-July-2003, 04:47 PM
Originally posted by Graham
, when really I'm just a warm cuddly kinda guy. :innocent:

absolutely, and he smiled at me once last night too :waycool: :D

I'm a lucky chickie

(feel a poem coming on...)

Dreadful Scathe
1st-July-2003, 04:54 PM
Originally posted by Chicklet


(feel a poem coming on...)

oh chickie my chickie
feathers so yellow
how do you feel
when you dance with a fellow

spinning and turning
and suede shoes a flailing
its really no wonder
that your partners start failing

the energy and passion
that you bring to the dance
leads all the guys leading
to dream of romance

so chickie, the next dance !
will you dance with me
cos i think its quite obvious
im quite out my tree



cheers :D

er...sorry

xSalsa_Angelx
1st-July-2003, 04:57 PM
:rofl: :rofl: @ DS, Yeah you are completly outta your tree,

Think I might just come behind you 2nd on that one too..!! :rofl:

Sal
1st-July-2003, 04:58 PM
DS, you were quite right in the "ceroc exams" thread, you really do have time on your hands today!

Chicklet
1st-July-2003, 05:02 PM
:kiss: for DS, I'm really touched!!

oh goodness gracious the pressure to compose a Smurf poem is going to keep me awake all night!!!!

xSalsa_Angelx
2nd-July-2003, 08:18 AM
Today's Joke

2 women come out of a pub and are walking home when they really need to take a ****, so they decide to hop over the graveyard wall and **** in there. they both finish ****ing and the first one takes off her knickers and wipes with them and chucks em away. the 2nd says my knickers are too expensive for that, and reaches over to a wreath and takes the ribbon off and wipes herself.

The next day, one of the womens husbands phones the other womans husband and says "I'm keeping an eye on the misses..she came home last night with no knickers on!!" the 2nd guy says "thats nothing, mine had a card in her knickers which said 'from all the guys at the fire brigade, we'll never forget you!!!!'"

:rofl:

Grant
2nd-July-2003, 09:05 AM
Originally posted by Graham
You're always making me out to be this nasty bully character, Grant, when really I'm just a warm cuddly kinda guy. :innocent:
of course you are.
whenever i meet you, you are the epitome of a cool, urbane gent...
it's just on the forum that you sometimes turn into an attack dog:wink:

Grant

Sal
2nd-July-2003, 10:52 AM
Originally posted by Grant

it's just on the forum that you sometimes turn into an attack dog



That, or an attack panther!

xSalsa_Angelx
2nd-July-2003, 11:53 AM
> A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"
>
> The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
>
> "Onions?"
>
> "Yes, see them and they make you cry."
>
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"
>
> The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
>
> "A Christmas tree?"
>
> "Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."
>
>
>
:rofl:

Steven
2nd-July-2003, 12:02 PM
A true story!

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead\0F
chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets, all\0F
travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and
embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the
experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo .scroll down...

....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
"Defrost the chicken!"


:rofl:

Cheers
Steven

Sal
2nd-July-2003, 01:24 PM
A man stays out in the sun too long and suffers 2nd degree burns. He was rushed to hospital and seen by a doctor who prescribed saline drip to replenish his fluids, cooling ointment for the burns, and viagra.

Puzzled, the nurse asked the doctor why a burns patient needed viagra.

"To keep the sheets off his legs for a couple of hours!"

Steven
2nd-July-2003, 02:12 PM
A woman meets a handsome man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute little bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is a bit surprised that a man would have such a collection of teddy bears, especially one so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him and is actually quite impressed that he can so freely express his sensitive side.

She turns to him ... they kiss .... and then they rip each others clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive man they are lying together in the afterglow, the woman leans in to him and whispers "Well, how was it?"

The man says..










"Not bad, help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

xSalsa_Angelx
4th-July-2003, 01:57 PM
LOL good joke steven..!!!

Graham
10th-July-2003, 12:56 PM
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 5 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,then there must have been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Kn*bhead?
10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?
11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.
13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.
14. When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

TheTramp
10th-July-2003, 02:39 PM
Originally posted by Graham
13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Would you like fries with that Sir??

Steve

Sandy
11th-July-2003, 09:07 AM
A Linguistic professor in Ontario was discussing the structure of the

English Language telling his class: "In English, a double negative

forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double

negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a

double positive can form a negative."



To which a Scottish Voice piped up from the back: "Aye, right."



Sandy:wink:

Sheepman
15th-August-2003, 01:35 PM
There's this Tramp down our road, every morning when I walk past he says the same thing - "Any change?"

Every morning I give him the same reply. . .




"No, you're still a Tramp."

G

TheTramp
15th-August-2003, 01:39 PM
Originally posted by Sheepman
There's this Tramp down our road, every morning when I walk past he says the same thing - "Any change?"

Every morning I give him the same reply. . .

"No, you're still a Tramp."

G All the best people are.... :na:

Steve

Chris
16th-August-2003, 01:55 PM
OK . . .

Mummy, today at school we did the alphabet, and most of the children could only get as far as a,b,c,d,e but I got as far as a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h!!

Is that cos I'm blonde?

Yes dear . . .


Next day

Mummy, today at school we did multiplcation tables amd the rest of the class got as far as five times five is 25 but I got as far as six times six is thirty-six!!

Is that cos I'm blonde?

Yes dear . . .


Mummy - today at the gym when everyone one got changed, all the others only had tiny breasts, but I've got THESE!!! (whips up top)

Is that cos I'm blonde?

No dear, that's cos you're twenty-three . . .

Chris
16th-August-2003, 01:57 PM
missed the (naughty but not too naughty I hope) animated piccie (don't know if it will come out this time)

Jenna
16th-August-2003, 05:45 PM
A man and a woman collide in a hotel lobby, the man turns to the woman and said " if your heart is as soft as your breast I know you'll forgive me."
The woman replies " If your dick is as hard as your elbow I'm in room 221"

Debster
18th-August-2003, 12:13 PM
OK, just got this one... don't know if you've seen it before... (sorry no time to reformat)

> A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets
> with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks if they have any last
> questions before they leave. The man asks, "Rabbi, we realise it's

> tradition for men to dance with men and women to dance with women at the
> reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."
> "Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always
> dance separately."
> "So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
> "No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."
> "Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
> "Of course!," replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to
> have children!"
> "What about different positions?" asks the man.
> "No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"
> "Woman on top?" the man asks.
> "Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"
> "Doggy style?"
> "Sure! Another mitzvah!"
> "On the kitchen table?"
> "Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"
> "Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of
> vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
> "You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"
> "Can we do it standing up?"
> "NO, NO, NO!" cries the rabbi.
> "Why not?" asks the man.
> "Could lead to dancing."

Sheepman
18th-August-2003, 02:37 PM
Of course it can apply to other religions, but the Methodists don't waste much time on words - this is the version that I've heard:-

Why should you never have sex with a Methodist standing up? . . .
It could lead to dancing.

and another old one...

Did you know that Charles and Camilla are taking dance lessons, he always takes the lead, 'cos she's not allowed out without one!

Greg

Chris
20th-August-2003, 10:46 PM
For those who can enjoy Dilbert jokes . . .
:rofl:

Alfie
21st-August-2003, 12:35 AM
Q:- What is pink and hard?































































Answer:- A pig with a Flick knife

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Will
21st-August-2003, 01:24 AM
Liverpool FC send football scouts all over the world to discover new talent in an attempt to bring back the glory days to Anfield.

One July day, Liverpools man in Bagdad rings up Gerard Houllier...
"Gerard, you ain't gonna believe this but we've found this 17 year old Iraqi Kid who makes Diego Maradonna look like an Amateur. You've got to come and check this kid out."

So Houllier flies off to Bagdad, see's the kid play football, is massively impressed and signs him on the spot.

First match of the season, Liverpool vs Man Utd, 20 mins left and Liverpool are losing 4 - 0. Houllier has secret Iraqi weapon on the bench, decides he has little to lose by giving the youngster a run. The Iraqi kid comes on for Heskey, scores 5 goals and Liverpool win 5 - 4.

Really excited, the kid rings up his Mum to tell her what happened... "Mum! Mum!, this new life is great. We were losing 4 - 0, the manager brought me on, I scored 5 goals and we won 5 - 4. The fans love me, the manager loves me, the players love me, the press love me, it's absolutely wonderful!"

His mother replies "Well that's all well and good, but whilst you've been off enjoying yourself on the football field, your Dad's been shot dead! Your brother's been thrown in prison! And your sisters and I have all been Raped!

The Kid pleads "Oh mother! I don't know what to say..."

"Don't say anything" his mother replies, "It's your fault we're in Liverpool in the first place!

TheTramp
23rd-August-2003, 08:41 AM
Grandma writes:

The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a "Honk if you really love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. Why, it was like a football game with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go"! Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Love ya all, Grandma

Jive Brummie
24th-August-2003, 08:32 PM
I was walking down the street the other day and this bloke came up to me and cut the bottom off my trousers....
"What the hell did you do that for?", I asked.
"I'm taking them to the library." He Said.

Well, I thought, that's a turn up for the books......:rofl: :rofl:

Claire
28th-August-2003, 05:41 PM
I'm Tired

Yes, I'm tired

For several years I've been blaming it on middle age, poor blood, lack of vitamins, air pollution, saccharin, obesity, dieting, under arm odour, yellow ear wax build up and another dozen maladies that make you wonder if life is worth living.

But I find it isn't that

I'm tired because I am overworked.

The population of this country is 51 million and 21 million are retired. That leaves 30 million to do the work. There are 19 million in school. That leaves 11 million. Of this a total of 2 million are unemployed and four million are employed by the government. One million are in the armed forces. That leaves 4 million to do the work. From that total 3 million are employed by County and Borough Councils, leaving 1 million to do the work. There are 62,000 people in hospital and 937,998 people in prisons.

That leaves 2 people to do the work

You and me and you're sitting on your bum reading this.

No wonder I'm bloody tired!!!

:wink:

TheTramp
28th-August-2003, 05:51 PM
Are you saying that the 4 million employed by the Government, and the 3 million employed by County and Borough Councils aren't doing any work then???

Why are we paying taxes to pay their wages then?? :devil: :devil:

Steve

Jive Brummie
29th-August-2003, 01:50 PM
OK, OK. Honesty time......

To the people that know me, I have a confession.
It may, (or may not) come as a surprise to you all that I have a
police record.............



































Walking on The Moon......

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Alfie
29th-August-2003, 05:48 PM
Man walks into a Dentist

Dentist "What can I do for you?"

Man "I think I'm a Moth"

Dentist "You dont want a dentist you need a Psychiatrist"

Man "I know"

Dentist "Why did you come in here then?"
















"The light was on"

TheTramp
31st-August-2003, 04:44 PM
The Baby Photographer

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. While Mr. Smith could accept the fact that another man would make love to his wife to impregnate her, he didn't want to be around during 'the deed'.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to. . . . "
"Oh, no need to explain, I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh . . . equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.
Madam? Madam? . . . Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

:D

Steve

Dance Demon
31st-August-2003, 09:17 PM
A guy is sitting in a bar. He turns to the young woman sitting beside him and asks " would you like to hear a blonde joke" to which the young lady replies " it may have escaoped your notice, but I'm blonde, I'm also 6ft 2ins tall, and I'm a kick boxer. My friend here is also blonde, 6ft 2ins tall and is an all in wrestler. my other friend is also blonde, 6ft 2ins tall and has a black belt in taikwando, do you still want to tell your blonde joke?"...............
Nah not really says the guy, " it's not the same if you have to explain it three times........:D

Jive Brummie
5th-September-2003, 08:25 PM
What do you call a judge with no thumbs.......??


Justice Fingers....!!!

:rofl: :rofl:

Chris
12th-September-2003, 02:41 AM
Late last Saturday night a young chap was walking home from the pub. It was
a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the
streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by
the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then
suddenly he heard a strange noise.......

BUMP........

BUMP........

BUMP........

Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving
rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.

BUMP........

BUMP........

BUMP........

He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached
from the shadows he was able to make out its shape more clearly....

It was a coffin.

Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started
walking briskly home.

BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........

He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........

BUMP........BUMP.......

BUMP........BUMP.......

BUMP........BUMP........

The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard
the coffin speed up after him......

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

He started to sprint, but so did the coffin.......

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....

Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only
seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His
hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the
front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his
comfy chair.

Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the
front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing
the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take
him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched
itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew
off its hinges..... The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to
approach the young terrified lad.

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom
cabinet...... He grabbed a bar of soap and threw it at the
coffin.......still it came........

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed his can of deodorant and threw it ........still it came......

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed some cough mixture and threw it........

The coffin stopped.

Dreadful Scathe
12th-September-2003, 01:28 PM
An American primary school teacher collected well known proverbs.
She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It`s hard to believe these were actually done by "6" year-olds!

____Better to be safe than......................punch a 5th grader.
____Strike while the ...........................bug is close.
____It`s always darkest before..................Daylight Saving Time.
____Never underestimate the power of............termites.
____You can lead a horse to water but...........how?
____Don`t bite the hand that....................looks dirty.
____No news is..................................impossible.
____A miss is as good as a......................Mr.
____You can`t teach an old dog new..............math.
____If you lie down with dogs, you`ll...........stink in the morning.
____Love all, trust.............................me.
____The pen is mightier than the................pigs.
____An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.
____Where there`s smoke there`s.................pollution.
____Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.
____A penny saved is............................not much.
____Two`s company, three`s......................the Musketeers.
____Don`t put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.
____Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....you have to blow your
____nose.
____There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.
____Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded.
____If at first you don`t succeed...............get new batteries.
____You get out of something only what you..... see in the picture on the box.
____When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.
____And the favorite:
____Better late than...........................pregnant
____

TheTramp
13th-September-2003, 07:33 AM
Grant me a Wish

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

michael
13th-September-2003, 03:21 PM
Enjoying your jokes keep them up trampy:D

PS Just wondered if that last one was as a result of a rather long and trying night with the oposite sex:innocent:
If only we knew..............Me thinks better not understanding them that way we have an excuse......

Steven
16th-September-2003, 04:44 PM
Apologies in advance to those who take offence but it is good!

Location ( Turra primary school ) "and for all ye English reading this!!.......Turra is a small hamlet north of Aberdeen!!!........being
Turriff

Teacher to class
Right class today is Thursday, so we,re going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday off and not come back until Tuesday.

Jocky thinks brill ahm ace at ma general knowledge.

Teacher Right class, who can tell me who said. " Dont ask what your country can do for you , but what you can do for your country.

Jocky ( shoots up his hand )

Teacher looking round Yes Jeremy.

Jeremy ( In english accent ) Yes miss the answer is J F Kennedy inaugeration speech 1960.

Teacher Very good Jeremy. You may come back on Tuesday.

NEXT THURSDAY COMES AROUND, AND JOCKY IS EVEN MORE DETERMINED

Teacher Who said. We will fight them on the beaches , we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender.

Jocky ( SHOOTS UP HIS HAND SHOUTING I KNOW )

Teacher ( looking round ) Yes Timothy.

Timothy ( In posher english accent ) Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, Battle of Britain speech 1941

Teacher Very good timothy , you may come back on Tuesday.

THE FOLLOWING THURSDAY COMES AROUND AND JOCKY IS VERY VEXED

Teacher Who said One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.

Jocky ( JUMPIMG UP AND DOWN WITH BOTH HANDS UP, YELLING I KNOW)

Teacher ( looking round the class ) Yes Rupert.

Rupert ( In frightfully plummy english accent ) Yes miss that was Neil Armstrong, 1967, The firs! t moon landing.

Teacher Very good Rupert you may come back on Tuesday.

Jocky ( Who has lost the plot blurts out ) WHERE THE F**K DID ALL THESE ENGLISH C**NTS COME FROM

TEACHER ( Looking round the class ) Who the hell said that.

Jocky ( Standing back up ) Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden,
1745. SEE YA TUESDAY

Cheers
Steven

Dreadful Scathe
17th-September-2003, 04:23 PM
:rofl: :rofl:


bit of history:

Shame Bonnie Prince Charlie didnt march on London he would have taken it, the 3 major English Armies were no where near but he wasn't sure. That would have changed Britain a bit ;). He only got defeated at Culloden due to the raising of support for the opposition (made up of Scots as well as English) as well as the gradual decay of his own army as highlanders returned home. Also, remember Carlisle ! :mad:

Jayne
17th-September-2003, 04:58 PM
Re:
Originally posted by Steven
Location ( Turra primary school ) "and for all ye English reading this!!.......Turra is a small hamlet north of Aberdeen!!!........being
Turriff etc etc
:rofl: :rofl:

Thanks Steven, that cheered up an otherwise dull thesis writing session... :wink:

J :nice:

TheTramp
3rd-October-2003, 01:14 PM
A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies,"Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes,and then he said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

Steve

Steven
3rd-October-2003, 02:52 PM
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel
dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his
last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.... But this is no ordinary genie.

He is wearing an Inland Revenue badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust someone from the Tax Office." What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." **POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, kid, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." ***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that, no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me." ***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon. The moral of the story?




If the Tax Office offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

Cheers
Steven

Sheepman
9th-October-2003, 03:54 PM
How do you confuse a Daily Mail reader?

Tell him that asylum seekers are the natural predators of paedophiles.

See, I can do cerebral (?), as well as smut!

Greg

Jive Brummie
11th-October-2003, 05:05 PM
What do you get when you cross a motorway with a wheelbarrow??


Run over!!!

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Cheque please........................!

ChrisA
11th-October-2003, 11:22 PM
Originally posted by Jive Brummie
What do you get when you cross a motorway with a wheelbarrow??


Run over!!!

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Cheque please........................!

Isn't it considered bad form to laugh at your own jokes???

Chris

Emma
11th-October-2003, 11:42 PM
Originally posted by ChrisA
Isn't it considered bad form to laugh at your own jokes???
Chris Only if they aren't funny! :waycool:

Jive Brummie
12th-October-2003, 02:28 PM
What's yellow and smells like green paint.....???



Yellow paint....!!

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

I have to laugh at my own jokes 'cos I think i'm the only one who finds them funny......


up your pipe.........................................:wink :

Emma
12th-October-2003, 02:38 PM
That reminds me of -

What's orange and sounds like a parrot??

..a carrot! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

JB, I collect jokes such as these ;)

Dance Demon
12th-October-2003, 04:25 PM
What's black & white , and eats like a horse


A Zebra.........:D

ChrisA
12th-October-2003, 04:38 PM
There was this Englishman who had just bought a new Carrera, and he'd gone to Ireland on holiday with it. Coming over the brow of a hill, he found what must have been the only long straight piece of road in the whole of Ireland. And it was empty for as far ahead as he could see.

With a grin, and narrowed eyes, he floored the throttle to see how fast he could go.

He was doing well over 120 when to his horror, out of a gap in the hedges come Mick and Paddy on their horse-drawn hay cart.

His eyes popping out of his head, our Porsche driver stands on the brakes, but he has no chance of stopping before he hits the hay cart. Nevertheless, he j u s t manages to swerve in through the gap in the hedge that the cart had come out of, and all is well.

So Mick turns to Paddy and says...


"Holy Mary Mother of God.... ... we only just got outa that field in toime".

Tiggerbabe
12th-October-2003, 09:10 PM
Originally posted by Dance Demon
What's black & white , and eats like a horse


A Zebra.........:D

Now that's funny!!!!!!:rofl: :rofl:

Dance Demon
12th-October-2003, 11:10 PM
Originally posted by Sheena
Now that's funny!!!!!!:rofl: :rofl:

Glad it made you laff Sheen...heres another...

What's pink & wrinkly, and hangs out your underpants......


Your mother........

hopefully with colour co-ordinated clothes pegs...:rofl: :rofl:


What's big and pink, has a blue vein running through it, and gives enourmous pleasure to a woman..........



A £20 note....................:wink: :D :rofl:

Chicklet
13th-October-2003, 09:21 AM
An attorney got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for his client, Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door, his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak - pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang. His wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud woman, don't you ever stop?"

Dreadful Scathe
13th-October-2003, 09:38 AM
Originally posted by Emma


JB, I collect jokes such as these ;)

My favourite one from school....


Whats brown and sticky ?


A stick.

:D

Claire
14th-October-2003, 11:32 PM
This just made me chuckle when I saw it. It reminded me of all those assemblies I had to sing the song in as a child.

MORNING HAS BROKEN!

Claire
14th-October-2003, 11:34 PM
The old ones really are the best......


WAITER WAITER .......

Emma
15th-October-2003, 12:13 AM
Originally posted by Dreadful Scathe
My favourite one from school....
Whats brown and sticky ?
A stick.

Awww Scathe, that is my all-time *favourite* joke - I was saving it for a special occasion! :grin:

Anyway -

Two parrots sitting on a perch....

One of them says...

'....something smells fishy around here.....' :rofl:

Sheepman
15th-October-2003, 11:17 AM
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

Greg

Dave Hancock
15th-October-2003, 11:47 AM
A new scandal is set to rock football - Sophie Ellis Baxter has been found dead in the hotel room of a French footballer......

Police are treating it as murder on Zidanes floor

Emma
15th-October-2003, 12:08 PM
Originally posted by Dave Hancock
A new scandal is set to rock football - Sophie Ellis Baxter has been found dead in the hotel room of a French footballer......

Police are treating it as murder on Zidanes floor *groan*

Dreadful Scathe
16th-October-2003, 01:43 PM
Originally posted by Dave Hancock
A new scandal is set to rock football - Sophie Ellis Baxter has been found dead in the hotel room of a French footballer......

Police are treating it as murder on Zidanes floor

Forte
16th-October-2003, 01:57 PM
That outline looks nothing like Sophie Ellis Bextor....:rofl:

Boomer
18th-October-2003, 02:15 AM
What were the Lone Ranger's first words to Tonto when they crossed the Canadian border...?

'Onto toronto pronto Tonto'

P.S. If that's Sophie, she's got one hell of a neck:what:

Tazmanian Devil
18th-October-2003, 04:37 AM
Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much, it scared the s*** out of me. So today I finally decided im never reading again :rofl:

2 whales turned over a ship with their blow holes, can we eat the crew said one? No said the other, I dan't mind doing the blow job but I wont swallow the seamen!!:rofl: :rofl:

Ok I will stop now:kiss: :hug:

Tazmanian Devil
18th-October-2003, 05:04 AM
Originally posted by Sal
A man stays out in the sun too long and suffers 2nd degree burns. He was rushed to hospital and seen by a doctor who prescribed saline drip to replenish his fluids, cooling ointment for the burns, and viagra.

Puzzled, the nurse asked the doctor why a burns patient needed viagra.

"To keep the sheets off his legs for a couple of hours!"

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: Excellent i like that one! :rofl: :rofl:

Bardsey
22nd-October-2003, 10:34 AM
Originally posted by TheTramp
Hmmmm.... I think it's about time someone started a thread for everyone to put their favourite jokes. I'll get the ball rolling with a topical one... :)

Three men all pass away on Christmas Eve. They pass up to heaven, and are met at the pearly gates by St.Peter.

St. Peter says to them, 'Since it's Christmas, you can only enter, if you can show me something in the Christmas spirit'.

The first guy digs deep in his pockets, pull out a lighter and sparks up a flame.

St. Peter looks at him quizzically.

'Candles' says the man, and gets let in.

The first guy digs deeper in his pockets, pull out a set of keys and jingles them.

St. Peter looks at him quizzically.

'Bells' says the man, and gets let in.

The third man digs even deeper in his pockets, a worried look upon his face. Finally, with a relieved smile, he pulls out a pair of skimpy red knickers.

St. Peter looks at him with an absolute look of disbelief on his face....

And the man says....








:rolleyes:

They're Carols!!!

:D

Steve

:rofl:

Martin
23rd-October-2003, 01:39 AM
Hey Tramp, great idea for a jokes thread

Here are some one liners I got recently...:D

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.


If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why
are they made out of meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they
get all nervous and give the wrong answers.


Marty

Chris
23rd-October-2003, 02:05 AM
Originally posted by Martin

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they
get all nervous and give the wrong answers.


Or as the disgruntled customer said when returning shampoo to the vegetarian shop:

"I used this shampoo on my rabbit and all its hair fell out! If you'd tested your products on animals like everyone else that would never have happened!"

Dance Demon
23rd-October-2003, 03:15 PM
Three couples who were returning from holiday, are killed in an air crash. They go up to heaven, and are met at the pearly gates by St Peter. St Peter says to the first guy " you've got a lot of nerve trying to get in here". "Why" replied the man. "Well you've been a heavy gambler all your life, spent all your time in the bookies, and squandered all your money. You even married a woman called Bet. You can't come in."
He says to the second man, " you're just as bad". "How!" replies the second man. "Because all your life you have been a heavy drinker, spent all your free time and money in the pub, and your wife is even called Sherry. You can't come in."
At that, the third guy turns to his wife and says.............................

Come on Fanny, We've got no chance of getting in here!!!!!!!:D

Chris
23rd-October-2003, 03:29 PM
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly
swatter.


"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Bardsey
23rd-October-2003, 03:29 PM
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."


Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts. Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony? The woman who ate the last donut.

DavidB
28th-October-2003, 03:38 PM
Simon: "I just got the new David Blaine doll"
Patrick: "Really what is it like?"
Simon: "It's very lifelike, but kind of annoying"
Patrick: "Why is that?"
Simon: "Can't get it out of the ruddy box!"

filthycute
28th-October-2003, 08:05 PM
Nelson Mandela is in his house one day and the doorbell goes. He answers the door to be met by a chinese guy with a truck full of brake pads.

"You sign, you sign" he said.

Sorry mate said Nelson, you got got the wrong address.

Next day his doorbell goes again.
He finds the same chinese guy with a truck full of car exhausts.

"You sign, you sign!"

Sorry mate, you got wrong address said Nelson, and sent him packing.

Next day the doorbell goes.....The same chinese man with 2 trucks full of car parts.

"You sign, you sign!!!"

Listen mate, said Nelson, you've been here twice and i've told you already....you've got the wrong address!!

Puzzled, the chinese man looks at his forms......

"You no Nissan main dealer????"


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


OK i know your not supposed to laugh at your own jokes, but this one is obviously too clever to be mine .....so i'm gonna laugh my ass off!!!


filthycute x x

Chris
28th-October-2003, 08:38 PM
There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?", and so on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud... don't you ever stop bitching?"

Dance Demon
28th-October-2003, 08:51 PM
On page 19 of this thread....posted by Chicklet......still funny second time round though:wink: :D

Dreadful Scathe
28th-October-2003, 10:38 PM
Originally posted by filthycute


"You no Nissan main dealer????"




Quite one of the worst jokes ive heard in a long time :)


worst in a groany funny sort of way anyway :)

Bardsey
29th-October-2003, 11:34 AM
Originally posted by filthycute


OK i know your not supposed to laugh at your own jokes, but this one is obviously too clever to be mine .....so i'm gonna laugh my ass off!!!


filthycute x x [/B]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: Well it certainly made me giggle first thing today.... and that's a feat in itself. I'm at my desk, but not usually awake yet. :cheers:

Bardsey
31st-October-2003, 01:26 PM
Here's one for the men!!! Sorry girls!!

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needin'. After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and created a girl.Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender. Two lovely hips to increase his desire, and rounded and firm to bring out the fire. Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud, commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud. Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you, and two loving hands, to soothe and caress you. Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, and two dreamy eyes, just to
make him grow bolder. 'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.

Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole ******* thing.

Boomer
31st-October-2003, 01:37 PM
Originally posted by Bardsey
Here's one for the men!!! Sorry girls!!



Just to keep things fair.

On the Second day God says to Adam, "I have some good news... and some bad news." Adam responds, "Well tell me the good news first"
"Alright my son, the good news is I will give you both a brain and a penis... the bad news is I'm only going to give you enough blood to run one at a time"

Bardsey
31st-October-2003, 01:42 PM
Originally posted by Boomer
Just to keep things fair.

the bad news is I'm only going to give you enough blood to run one at a time"

:rofl: :rofl: :hug: Thank you for evening thing up !!! Good one!

Forte
1st-November-2003, 11:45 AM
This is a great thread. I love jokes but I can never tell them. Ever. Still , a joke is only as good as its audience ...and I am a great audience. Keep making me laugh. Keep 'em coming! :grin:

Lory
2nd-November-2003, 11:26 PM
A woman is standing naked in front of the bedroom mirror,
"I look horrible," she moans to her husband, "I'm fat, I'm ugly, my boobs are sagging, my backside is huge, I feel awful."
Her husband looks over, "don't be so hard on your self darling he says," trying to cheer her u, "at least your eye sight is still spot on!"

Dance Demon
2nd-November-2003, 11:49 PM
Two old war veterans are sitting on a park bench. One turns to the other and says"Bob,....you know that stuff they used to put in our tea, when we were in the army during the war, to curb our sex drive". His mate replies" oh! you mean bromide?...yeah what about it?"................." well I think it's starting to work now.......:D :D

Sheepman
3rd-November-2003, 04:02 PM
Bloke walks into a public toilet where he finds two cubicles, one is already occupied. So he enters the other one, closes the door, drops 'em and sits down. A voice then comes from the cubicle next to him and says, "G'day mate, how are you going?"

Thinking this a bit strange but not wanting to be rude the guy replies, "Yeah, not too bad thanks". After a short pause, he hears the voice again, "So, what are you up to mate?" Again answering reluctantly, but unsure what to say, replies, "Erm, just having a quick poo . How about yourself?"

He then hears the voice for the 3rd time..... "Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back, I've got some dickhead next to me answering all my questions"

Greg

Bardsey
3rd-November-2003, 04:16 PM
Originally posted by Sheepman


He then hears the voice for the 3rd time..... "Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back, I've got some dickhead next to me answering all my questions"

Greg

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Forte
3rd-November-2003, 05:35 PM
Loving them! Last few were laugh out loud material!!!:cheers:

psyc0diver
5th-November-2003, 04:21 PM
In the beginning was the Plan
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form, and the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was on the face of the Workers.
And the workers spoke amongst themselves, saying, one unto another, "This is a crock of ****, and it stinks."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said "It is a pail of excrement, and we can't live with the smell."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers , saying,"It is a container of dung, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto the Senior Managers , saying, "It is a vessel of fertiliser and none may abide its strength."
And the Senior Management spoke amongst themselves, saying one unto each other, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Senior Managers went to the Directors, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Directors went unto the Chief Executive, saying, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigour of the company with powerful effects."
And the Chief Executive looked upon The Plan and saw that it was good.
And so The Plan became Policy.........


:what:

Bardsey
5th-November-2003, 04:34 PM
Originally posted by psyc0diver
In the beginning was the Plan

And the Chief Executive looked upon The Plan and saw that it was good.
And so The Plan became Policy.........


:what:

No change there then! Same the whole world over !

TheTramp
5th-November-2003, 05:43 PM
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash.
They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

Steve

Chris
5th-November-2003, 08:03 PM
There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and
depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?", and so on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud... don't you ever stop bitching?"

TheTramp
5th-November-2003, 08:14 PM
Ummm....

Chris.

You posted that joke a week ago....

Steve

Dance Demon
6th-November-2003, 01:14 AM
Originally posted by TheTramp
Ummm....

Chris.

You posted that joke a week ago....

Steve

Yep...and Chicklet posted it the week before that:rolleyes:

Chris
6th-November-2003, 05:22 AM
Originally posted by TheTramp
Ummm....

Chris.

You posted that joke a week ago....

Steve

ooops! :rofl: :rofl: so I did :tears:


Reminds me of the three benefits of Alzheimers ;
1) You meet new people every day
2) You don't get bored
3) and you meet new people every day
Did I get that right? :confused:

Bardsey
6th-November-2003, 05:44 PM
These were sent to me by my brother.... he's always sending me "blond" jokes..... can't think why!

AUTO REPAIR
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says,
"What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks,
"How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

Bardsey
6th-November-2003, 05:46 PM
Okay, I promise to stop now....

INNER PEACE

I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me.

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally
found inner peace.

It reads: "The way to achieve inner peace is to
finish all the things you've started."
I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't finished.

So, today I have finished:-
One bottle of white wine, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of gin, my
Prozac, a large box of chocolates and a quart of beer.

You have no idea how good I feel.
You may passh thish on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace.

Have a marbulush day.

Aleks
7th-November-2003, 02:23 PM
If you ever have a difficult situation to manage, you might consider the approach offered by this obviously well trained Customer Service Officer.
Indeed, an award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and It HAS to be FIRST CLASS. The attendant replied,
"I'm sorry sir. I'll be Happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm Sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,
"F... You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

psyc0diver
7th-November-2003, 04:05 PM
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh
blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him
about
where he got it. He told them to bugger off and let him get some sleep,
but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats
behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest of

trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled
around him tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the vampire bat, "Because I f.... well didn't"

:tears: :devil:

Bardsey
7th-November-2003, 05:10 PM
Originally posted by psyc0diver
around him tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the vampire bat, "Because I f.... well didn't"

:tears: :devil:

:tears: :rofl: :rofl: :tears: Oh that really made me laugh. Nice one!!!

Claire
8th-November-2003, 12:32 AM
Yossel Abramovitz worked in a pickle factory. Unfortunately, he had a very great and powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.This went on for years, and Yossel couldn't stand it any more. So he decided to seek professional help for this odd infatuation of his.

He spent a few months with a shrink who finally gave up and told Yossel that since Yossel's desire was so powerful to put his penis in the pickle slicer, the only way to get over it was to do it. Yossel gladly agreed to do it the next day at work.

The next day he came home from work very early, about 11 AM. His wife Sarah was very worried and asked why he was home so early. Yossel explained to her for the first time the desire he had had to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He explained that he couldn't take it Sarah gasped and ran over to him, yanked down his pants and briefs, only to see his penis perfectly normal and intact. She looked back up and said,"I don't understand ... what happened to the pickle slicer.?"

“I think she got fired too.”

:rofl:

filthycute
11th-November-2003, 01:03 AM
A man gets on a plane and sits down next a beautiful woman. He has some light conversation with her before she politely asks if she can continue to read her magazine.

"Sure thing" replies the man...."reading anything interesting?"

"Very interesting in fact" says the woman. "I'm reading an article on mens penis's. Apparently Apache Indians have the longest, and the Polish have the thickest. By the way, my name is Laura Smith"

"Nice to meet you" said the man..."I'm Tonto Kowalski"

filthycute x x

Chris
11th-November-2003, 03:36 AM
At a local college dance, a guy from America asked
the girl from Sweden to dance.

While they were dancing, he gives her a little
squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this
a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it
a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek,
and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss
too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks
later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and
proceeds to have sex with her, and says,
"In America, we call this a grass sandwich".
She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass
sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

psyc0diver
11th-November-2003, 05:46 PM
At the height of the arms race, the Americans and
Russians realized that, if they continued, they
would someday end up destroying the world. So they
sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute
with a dogfight.

The negotiators agreed that each country would
take five years to develop the best fighting dog
they could. The dog that won the fight would earn
its country the right to rule the world. The
losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest, meanest Dobermans
and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them
together and then crossed their offspring with the
meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the
biggest, strongest puppy from each litter, killed
all the other puppies and fed the lone dog all of
the milk. They used steroids and trainers in their
quest for the perfect killing machine, until,
after the five years were up, they had a dog that
needed iron prison bars on his cage. Only the
trainers could handle this beast.

When the day of the big fight arrived, the
Americans showed up with a strange animal: It was
a nine-foot-long Dachshund.
Everyone felt sorry for the Americans. No one else
thought this weird animal stood a chance against
the growling beast in the Russian camp. The
bookies predicted the Russians would win in less
than a minute.

The cages were opened. The Dachshund waddled
toward the center of the ring. The Russian dog
leapt from his cage and charged the giant
wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the
American dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and
swallowed the Russian beast in one bite. There was
nothing left but a small bit of fur from the
killer dog's tail.

The Russians approached the Americans, shaking
their heads in disbelief.

"We do not understand. Our top scientists and
breeders worked for five years with the meanest,
biggest Dobermans and Rottweilers. They developed
a killing machine, but it didnt last 30 seconds."

"Really?" the Americans replied. "We had our top
plastic surgeons working for five years to turn an
alligator into a Dachshund!"

Dance Demon
11th-November-2003, 06:17 PM
a guy was driving down a country road, when he saw a woman on all fours in a field, eating grass. He stopped and went up to the woman and asked her what she was doing. "I'm a Kosovan refugee" replied the woman. " I have no money, nowhere to live, and no food". Come home with me said the man, and I'll give you a good feed.
Further down the road he spotted a man on all fours, also eating grass. " Stop!! stop!! cried the woman.. that is my husband, he also has no food. OK said the man, bring him along too and he can also have a good feed.
Further still down the road, he spots four children also eating grass."Stop!! Stop!! cries the woman...they are my babies. At this, the driver turns to the woman and says....now just a minute lady.....how big a lawn do you think I have.........:D

Boomer
11th-November-2003, 06:22 PM
Lady walks into her Dr’s and says
‘Dr, I’ve a problem with the HRT treatments you’ve put me on’,
‘So what’s the problems’ ask the Doc
‘Well, since I’ve started it, I’ve loads of hair growing in some unusual places’
‘Well’ says the Doc ‘Excessive hair growth on HRT is to be expected unfortunately - where exactly is the hair growing?’
‘On me bol****s, and that’s something else I want to talk about’.

Chris
11th-November-2003, 06:30 PM
A man was walking along the street when he saw a
ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would
do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud,
upon which was sat a rather plump and very ugly
woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success"
she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the
ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a
slightly thinner woman, slightly easier on the
eye.

"Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she
said. "Well", thought the man, "might as well
carry on.

On the next cloud was an even more attractive
lady who, this time, was actually quite
desirable. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to
success" she said. As he turned her down and went
on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that
this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim,
attractive, the lot. "Love me hard and long or
climb the ladder to success" she flirted.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and
being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.

When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400
pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies
buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man said, "My name's
Cess!"

DavidB
11th-November-2003, 11:47 PM
... but it is one of my favourite jokes.

[ACTUAL (not really) transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.]

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."

Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."

Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

Martin
12th-November-2003, 02:12 PM
Hell

An Australian dies and is sent to hell. He had been a horrible man
throughout life and even the devil wanted to punish him, so he puts him to
work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer.

To make it worse he cranks up the temperature and the humidity. "Love my
kingdom!" laughs the devil. After a couple of days the devil checks in on
his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as he
looks at the Aussie happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune.

The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this. I've turned
the heat way up, it's humid, you're crushing rocks; why are you so happy?"

The Aussie, smiling big, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It
reminds me of January in Australia. Hot, humid, a good place to work. It
reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"

The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the Aussie's remarks.

Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down driving rain and
torrential wind. Soon, hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up to his
knees with dust blowing into his eyes, the Aussie is happily slogging
through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks. Again, the
devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions.

The Aussie replies, "This is great! Just like August in near Melbourne. It
reminds me of working out in the fields, getting ready for thespring planting!"

The devil is now completely baffled. Angry, and desperate to make hell
really hell, he tries one last ditch effort. He makes the temperature
plummet. Suddenly hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this
will surely make the Australian unhappy, the devil checks in on him. He is
aghast at what he sees. The Aussie is dancing, singing, and twirling his
sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.

"How can you be so happy? Don't you know it's 40 below zero!?" screams the
devil.

Jumping up and down the Aussie throws a snowball at the devil and yells,
"Hell's frozen over!! This means the Wallabies won the World Cup!!!"



- Loved this when I recieved it today so had to pass it on (as I know you bought an England top David) - I managed to get tickets to the Final Yey - So I will be able to see England win LIVE !!!

Marty

Bardsey
12th-November-2003, 02:50 PM
Originally posted by DavidB
... Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

Love it !:rofl: :rofl:

Bardsey
12th-November-2003, 02:54 PM
Mummy Polar bear, Daddy Polar bear and Baby Polar bear walking through the snow and ice. Baby bear turns to his mum and asks "Mum, am I really a Polar bear?"
"Yes of course you are darling" replies mum
Five minutes later "Mum, are you really sure I'm a Polar bear"
"Course you are darling" replies mum again.
This goes on for a while til eventually the mummy polar bear loses patience and asks her offspring "Look, I'm getting a bit fed up with this now, why on earth do you keep asking if you're a polar bear?"
"Cos I'm F***ing freezing" replies baby bear!

Sheepman
12th-November-2003, 05:30 PM
Another old one, from what I'm told, it won't apply to Apple users?

Greg

Dear Helpdesk,

A friend is having trouble with his system. Last year he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he'd used for years without any trouble. However, apparently there are conflicts between these two systems and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend with the sound turned off. But to make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as; Lads Night Out 3.1, Golf 2 and Playboy 6.0. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better, Girlfriend 3.0 had many bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually he tried installing Girlfriend 2.1 as well as Girlfriend 1.0 only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all his hardware.
Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancee 1.0 only to discover to his dismay that this system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0. However, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2002 plus GreatMealsOnTable (Guaranteed for a limited period).
But imagine my friend's disappointment on discovering Wife 1.0 can be unstable and costly to maintain, any mistakes he makes are automatically stored in Wife 1.0 Hard Drive and cannot be deleted - they then resurface months (or years) later. Wife 1.0 also automatically runs Ultra STROP and WHINGE zip and no option on the Help menu seems to work, leaving him to try
and GUESS the fault himself. The system footprint needs updating regularly requiring Shoe shop BrowserPro for new attachments - Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every week. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off. Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress 2000 add-on, but there could be problems. If wife 1.0 detects the presence of mistress 2000, it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself.
Any ideas?

Bardsey
12th-November-2003, 06:09 PM
Originally posted by Sheepman
Any ideas?

:rofl: :rofl: Good one, Sheepster !

psyc0diver
13th-November-2003, 11:33 AM
:devil:

Bardsey
13th-November-2003, 12:46 PM
Originally posted by psyc0diver
:devil:

Nice one, but what does Weegie mean? (sorry I'm just a thick yorkshire lass...... blond too.....what can I say!) :D

TheTramp
13th-November-2003, 12:54 PM
Originally posted by Bardsey
Nice one, but what does Weegie mean? (sorry I'm just a thick yorkshire lass...... blond too.....what can I say!) :D Glas-wee-gian.

People from Glasgow are Weegie's :D

Steve

Bardsey
13th-November-2003, 01:06 PM
Originally posted by TheTramp
Glas-wee-gian.

People from Glasgow are Weegie's :D

Steve

Thanks Steve, not heard the term before! :confused:

TheTramp
13th-November-2003, 01:18 PM
Me neither before I'd moved up here....

Steve

Lory
13th-November-2003, 01:48 PM
> LITTLE JOHNNY ONCE AGAIN - A high school teacher in Kentucky asked her
> students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly said, "My
> family went to my granddaddy's farm, and we saw all his pet sheep. It was
> fascinating."
>
> The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
> "fascinate." Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to See
Rock
> City and I was fascinated."
>
> The teacher said, "That was good Sally, but I want the word "fascinate."
> Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because he was noted
> for his bad language. ! She finally decided there was no way he could
> damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him. Johnny said, "My cousin
> has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only
fasten
> eight."

Bardsey
13th-November-2003, 02:14 PM
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Lory
[B]>

Thanks for that one Lory. I needed cheering up after what we've been talking about on the Rememberance thread.

:hug:

psyc0diver
13th-November-2003, 03:14 PM
OK if were getting onto the little johnny jokes!

Teacher is asking the little darlings to give examples of words with more than one syllable. Little johnny immediatly shoots up his hand saying "me miss, me, me"
Intentionally not noticing him she picks Mary.
Mary says "kitten miss, two syllables"
"Very good Mary"
Little johnny goes "me miss, me miss"
"Tom, whats your word"
"goldfish miss, two syllables"
and so on round the class, untill Johnny is the only one left
"OK Johnny, whats your word?"
"cunnilingus, miss, four syllables"
not wishing to be seen to be shocked & flabergasted, she plays for recovery time saying "well that word is certainly a mouthfull"
Johnny shoots back "no miss youre thinking of blow-job thats only two syllables"

Chris
14th-November-2003, 02:53 AM
An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.

He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hungover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache."

Lory
14th-November-2003, 07:45 AM
As I Mature

I've learned that you cannot make
someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years
to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by
on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big willy
or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't
compare yourself to others - they are
more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting
long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible
for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of
how hot and steamy a relationship is at
first, the passion fades, and there had better
be a lot of money to take its place!

I've learned that 99% of the time when
something isn't working in your house, one
of your kids did it

I've learned that the people you care most
about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones just never go away.

psyc0diver
14th-November-2003, 01:18 PM
True story.

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11
Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set
foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on
the moon,
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for
mankind",
were televised to Earth and heard by millions.
But just before he re-entered the lander, he made
the enigmatic remark: "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark
concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However,
upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian
or American space programs. Over the years many
people questioned Armstrong as to what the
"Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but
Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while
answering questions following a speech, a reporter
brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong.
This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died
and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
In 1938 when he was a kid in a small mid-west town,
he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard.
His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard
by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and
Mrs.Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young
Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.
"blow-job! You want a blow-job?! You'll get a blow-job when the kid
next door walks on the moon!"


Hence the song "Good luck mr Gorsky" by sleeper, pop trivia fact No. one for today

:wink:

Bardsey
17th-November-2003, 11:43 AM
Originally posted by Lory
As I Mature

I have a similar, but lengthier one, so thought I'd start a new thread, see what everyone else can come up with.

Chris
17th-November-2003, 12:12 PM
some new moves for a Monday morning :-)
http://www.jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=713&id=1

Bardsey
17th-November-2003, 12:25 PM
Originally posted by Chris
some new moves for a Monday morning :-)
http://www.jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=713&id=1

:cheers: Nice one ! Had me jigging about in my seat (or maybe I just wanted to go to the loo.....!)

Chris
17th-November-2003, 12:31 PM
Originally posted by Bardsey
Had me jigging about in my seat (or maybe I just wanted to go to the loo.....!)

LOL! :rofl: :wink:

Chris
18th-November-2003, 12:35 AM
Here's one a close friend texted me today . . .

"Prince Charles to his valet: 'No, no, I said sack my cook!!'"

psyc0diver
18th-November-2003, 01:05 PM
Originally posted by Chris
Here's one a close friend texted me today . . .

"Prince Charles to his valet: 'No, no, I said sack my cook!!'"

That one was a Slick willy (Bill Clinton) joke first

DavidB
18th-November-2003, 03:20 PM
Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
Stick a post-it that says "Out to Lunch" on your forehead
In a male colleagues' diary, write in: “10am: See how I look in tights".
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your trousers and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

psyc0diver
18th-November-2003, 03:45 PM
Originally posted by DavidB

Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
trousers and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.


----------------------------------

sit staring into space, occasionally sayin "judgement day is comming, comming soon" and for some strange reason - no-one bothers you

Dreadful Scathe
18th-November-2003, 03:55 PM
Originally posted by psyc0diver
That one was a Slick willy (Bill Clinton) joke first

but why would Monica Lewinski, who was merely an intern, have the power to sack his cook - she wouldnt ...therefore the joke was wasted on Mr.Clinton and rightfully claimed by our next King. :)

Boomer
18th-November-2003, 04:24 PM
Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They get talking and Bill Says: 'I've seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately-I sure would like to get together with her!'
Hugh: 'Well Bill, ever since the publicity she got from the "meeting" I had with her, her price has gone through the roof.'
Bill (with a smug chuckle): 'Well Hugh, you know that money really isn't a problem with me. What's her number?
So bill gets her number and sets up a date. Bill and Divine meet up after they finish, Bill, lying there in a blissful state having a fag, whispers: 'God, that was great! Now I know why they call you Divine.'
To which Divine replies: 'Why thank you, Bill-and I finally got to know why you chose the name Microsoft!!'

Pammy
18th-November-2003, 04:54 PM
I've heard an even better one. Hugh Grant whispers into Liz Hurley ear SHHHhhhhhh...

actually, you kind of lose it on a thread; I'll tell you the rest tomorrow night on the dance floor :wink:

Px

Sheepman
18th-November-2003, 05:30 PM
Oops

Gx

(PS first posted by DavidB)

Alfie
18th-November-2003, 11:31 PM
Small girl is taken to see Santa.

Santa:- Hello little girl what would you like for Christmas?

Girl:- I want a Barbie and an Action Man please.

Santa:- Doesn't Barbie come with Ken?

Girl:- Oh no Santa, Barbie comes with Action Man she fakes it with Ken!!!!!

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

psyc0diver
21st-November-2003, 09:59 AM
Does someone you know fit into one or more of these catergories?

The 9 types of men.....

1. Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, okay?"
Also Known As: Mr. Nice Guy, Family Man, Honey, Darling, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

2. Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell.
Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also Known As: Grumbles, Sour-Puss, Stick-in-the-Mud, Old Fogey, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Pain in the butt

3. Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also Known As: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

4. Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin." "
Also Known As: Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, The Hulk
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

5. Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also Known As: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Hobo, Bum, Sleepyhead
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams

6. The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also Known As: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, SOB
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

7. Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like
crazed weasels."
Also Known As: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

8. The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't
know how, but--"
Also Known As: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Story Teller, Fool
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

9. Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love
like crazed weasels in my new yacht."
Also Known As: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction


The 9 types of women

1. Ms. Nice Gal - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh darling, you
shouldn't have."
Also Known As: What a Girl, Precious, One of the Boys, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, Agreeable, Kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday.

2. Old Yeller - "You spineless good-for-nothing no- talent SOB!
Can't you see you're making me miserable?"
Also Known As: She-Devil, Sourpuss, The Nag, My Old Lady
Advantages: Pays attention to you.
Disadvantages: Screeches, Throws frying pans

3. Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps."
Also Known As: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

4. The Boss - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a
haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also Known As: Whipcracker, Sergeant, Ms. Know-it-All, Ball and Chain
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

5. Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch
my career, goals, home, or hair colour?"
Also Known As: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

6. Wild Woman - "I've got an idea. Let's get drunk and make love on
the front lawn. I've done it before. It's fun!"
Also Known As: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Unconscious
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys.
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

7. Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep
snickering at"
Also Known As: No Fun, Humorless, Cold Fish, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you.
Disadvantages: You will have no friends.

8. Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain
how I feel about our relationship"
Also Known As: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News,
Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, Unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud.

9. Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you
are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I want to make love to you
like a crazed weasel."
Also Known As: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, The One
Advantages: Funny, Intelligent, Uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.



:grin:

Bardsey
21st-November-2003, 10:41 AM
So here are 3 belters!

According to a news report, a certain private school in Edinburgh recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were putting on lipstick. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the janitor would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the
head decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the janitor. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the janitor who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the janitor to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors. There are teachers, and then there are educators.

************************************************** **
> >
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You
know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."
> > >
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, sh*t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops". WHACK!!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,
and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. She looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?! "I don't know," he blubbers,"but you can bet your f***ing life it won't be Coco Pops"

************************************************** **

And finally...
You gotta love a good beer slogan.............................
The latest Becks Beer advert in Scotland (displayed in pubs etc) is
as follows:

'YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE POSH TO SWALLOW BECKS'

Sheepman
21st-November-2003, 12:33 PM
Originally posted by Bardsey
TO SWALLOW BECKS' :rofl:
Will I be able to look a beer in the face again? :sick:

I've a feeling that not everyone will like this one!

An English rugby fan, a Australian rugby fan and a New Zealand fan are all in Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day, their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced:
"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The New Zealander was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with the pain.

The Australian was next up. After watching the Kiwi's horror he said smugly:
"Please fix two pillows to my back."

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Aussie was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The English man was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said:

"You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the gent replied.
In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20 lashes but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his
face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish"?

"Tie the Aussie to my back."

Greg

Bardsey
21st-November-2003, 01:00 PM
A small Wild Animal Park in Mississippi acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie Standen, a Carolina redneck who was a part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages.
Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Eddie was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for
$500.00? Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions:
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The
park administrator quickly agreed to this condition. "Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition. "Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed. And last of all Eddie stated "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00."

ChrisA
21st-November-2003, 01:26 PM
Originally posted by Bardsey
A small Wild Animal Park in Mississippi acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle.
No obvious Boomer jokes, please, while he's not here to defend himself. :waycool:

......oh all right, then :devil: :devil: :devil:

Bardsey
21st-November-2003, 01:32 PM
Originally posted by ChrisA
No obvious Boomer jokes, please, while he's not here to defend himself. :waycool:

......oh all right, then :devil: :devil: :devil:

it's the only time I can say things and not get a quick rebuke back! It's bliss!!

:rofl:

Chris
22nd-November-2003, 03:18 PM
. . .

ChrisA
22nd-November-2003, 03:24 PM
Originally posted by Chris
. . .
Not every day please :sad: :tears:

Chris
22nd-November-2003, 03:37 PM
Originally posted by ChrisA
Not every day please :sad: :tears:

??? Sorry - have I posted a Dilbert b4?
:blush:
won't post any more then

ChrisA
22nd-November-2003, 03:41 PM
Originally posted by Chris
??? Sorry - have I posted a Dilbert b4?
:blush:
won't post any more then
Well, it's not up to me :D

Sorry, a bit premature of me to imagine a trend.

psyc0diver
25th-November-2003, 10:09 AM
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, The Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war."



"Hearing so many people speaking ill about his intelligence level, George W. Bush decided to get his brain checked. The physician diagnosis was: - Mr. President, you have two brains, the left and the right, like all normal people. But the problem is: in your left brain, there is nothing right and in your right brain, there is nothing left"

:rofl:

DavidB
26th-November-2003, 10:40 AM
Martin Johnson, Richard Hill and Johnny Wilkinson are standing before God at the throne of Heaven.

God looks at them and says; "Before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in.

Addressing Johnson first he asks, "What do you believe?

Johnson looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Rugby to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the North to the bright lights of Twickenham. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club.

God looks up and offers Johnson the seat to his left. God then turns to Hill, "And you, Dicky, what do you believe?"

Hill stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits."

God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Hill the seat to his right.

Finally, he turns to Wilkinson, "and you, Johnny, what do you believe?"

"I believe..." says Wilkinson "...you're sitting in my seat."

Dance Demon
26th-November-2003, 04:34 PM
Johnny Wilkinson..? ...who's he then, should we know him..?:wink: :D

TheTramp
26th-November-2003, 04:40 PM
Apparently, he's god.

Steve

Bardsey
26th-November-2003, 04:41 PM
Originally posted by Dance Demon
Johnny Wilkinson..? ...who's he then, should we know him..?:wink: :D

oooh you're a brave man!!!:rofl:

Sheepman
26th-November-2003, 05:33 PM
Originally posted by Bardsey
oooh you're a brave man!!!:rofl: Or the Devil himself!

Greg

Dave Hancock
27th-November-2003, 02:58 PM
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged
that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a
night. Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Lulu said, "Sean, if Ah'm no bein too forward, Ah'd
love tae hae sex wi an aulder man. Let's go back tae mah place."

So they go back to her place and have great sex.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for
half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm
shleeping, hold my baws in your left hand and my wullie in your right
hand."

Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay." He sleeps for half an
hour, awakens, and they have even better sex.

Then Sean says, "Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep
for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my baws
in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand."

Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind
blowing.

Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell me, diz mah haudin' yer baws in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin?"

Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she
shtole my wallet."

Dreadful Scathe
27th-November-2003, 03:06 PM
Originally posted by Dave Hancock
Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she
shtole my wallet."

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Bardsey
27th-November-2003, 03:12 PM
Originally posted by Dave Hancock
Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she
shtole my wallet."

:rofl: :rofl: Brilliant ! :rofl:

Sheepman
27th-November-2003, 03:20 PM
I have removed the more offensive ones!!:-
Greg

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because
a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never
be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When
she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course.
He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

psyc0diver
28th-November-2003, 04:31 PM
Its the weekend at last!


:devil:

TheTramp
3rd-December-2003, 06:26 PM
David Beckham at a training sessions says, "I like them, because they make my breath fresh".

Stunned silence for a while, until someone shouts out, "TACTICS, you thick prat"! :D

(Are we allowed to direct personal abuse at David Beckham, Franck?? :na: )

Steve

Bardsey
4th-December-2003, 04:19 PM
Originally posted by TheTramp
David Beckham at a training sessions says, "I like them, because they make my breath fresh".

Stunned silence for a while, until someone shouts out, "TACTICS, you thick prat"! :D

(Are we allowed to direct personal abuse at David Beckham, Franck?? :na: )

Steve

:rofl: :rofl: Nice one, Steve!

Bardsey
5th-December-2003, 01:25 PM
Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5; and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NHL 4.3, MLB 3.0, and NBA 3.6. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Frustrated and desperate


Dear F&D:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try to enter the command: C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME" to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly 1.0.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

Chris
5th-December-2003, 01:32 PM
The doctor told Joe, "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the First time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important Part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop
and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see........size 44
long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, " How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's Feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. Size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache." ...


A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Bardsey
5th-December-2003, 03:53 PM
Why is a Christmas tree better than a man?

Its always erect.

It stays up for 12 days and 12 nights.

It has cute balls

It looks even better with the lights on]

Sheepman
5th-December-2003, 04:08 PM
Originally posted by Bardsey
It looks even better with the lights on]
:rofl: :rofl:
OK, should I stop now with the chauvinist jokes?

G

psyc0diver
5th-December-2003, 04:13 PM
Cows used To Explain World Ideologies

Feudalism
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Pure Socialism
You have two cows. The Government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You take care of all the cows. The Government gives you as much milk as you need.

Bureaucratic Socialism
You have two cows. The Government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the Government took from the chicken farmers. The Government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.

Fascism
You have two cows. The Government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Pure Communism
You have two cows. Your neighbour helps you take care of them and you all share the milk.

Russian Communism
You have two cows. You have to take care of them but the Government takes all of the milk.

Cambodian Communism
You have two cows. The Government takes both and shoots you.

Dictatorship
You have two cows. The Government takes both and drafts you.

Pure Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk

Representative Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk

Bureaucracy
You have two cows. At first the Government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out numerous forms accounting for the missing cow.

Pure Anarchy
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbours try to take the cows and kill you.

Surrealism
You have two giraffes. The Government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Constitutional Monarchy.
You have two cows. The Government lets you take care of them at your expense and instructs you to give half of the milk obtained to your snooty neighbours across the street who do nothing but sip tea. The Government also wants half of what’s remaining for you to give them as compensation for coming up with the idea of giving half to your snooty neighbours

Old Russian Communism
You have two sheep and we expect you to come with wool not milk. You don’t have two cows. Remember we never make mistakes

Military Coup
The chickens shoot the cows and declare that from now on they will produce the milk.

Hippy Commune
Everybody looks after the cows. The cows stop eating the grass and start smoking it.

Holy Crusades
You own two cows. They head to farmer Bob’s place to kill the horses unless they start acting like cows.

Apartheid
You own two cows. The Government tells you to keep them in separate fields because they are different colours. No one outside the farm will buy your milk. Bruce Springsteen refuses to sing in your barn but there are some pretty ordinary cricketers willing to have a hit in your back paddock for the money.

UN Intervention
You have two cows. You squeeze their udders too hard when you milk them, the cows complain and other farmers come in, tell you to stop and stand around in your yard wearing milk cartons on their heads. Each morning you milk the cows behind the barn where the other farmers can’t see.

Religious Oligarchy
You have two cows – the priesthood take them and sacrifice them to god who will then make the sky rain milk. When it doesn’t happen they come back and stone you to death for being a heretic


Capitalism
You have two cows, you milk them then sell them on, using the money to buy two unmilked cows for less than you sold your previous cows. You then claim to have made a loss on the deal and try to avoid paying the tax on the milk

Consumerism
You have two cows, but you cant sell the milk because the latest fashion is for Yak’s milk. By the time you have located & imported two Yaks the fashion has changed


Imperialism

You have two cows. Your neighbours invade and tell you they now own your cows. They then force you to look after the cows while they sit about sipping tea, then they sell the milk to the cowmen on their own farm for cheaper than they can produce it themselves






Traditional Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

Enron Venture Capitalism:
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed
company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the
bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce
the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the
size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat
once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break
for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.


A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others
for storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION
So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an
ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION
You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...


Moooo!
:D

Bardsey
5th-December-2003, 04:41 PM
Originally posted by psyc0diver
Cows used To Explain World Ideologies

Moooo!
:D

Crikey! I fell asleep twice whilst reading this.... I need a cuppa now..... errr....got any milk?:rofl:

Dave Hancock
5th-December-2003, 04:44 PM
Originally posted by Bardsey
Crikey! I fell asleep twice whilst reading this.... I need a cuppa now..... errr....got any milk?:rofl:

Jill, that joke was udder p!sh!!

psyc0diver
5th-December-2003, 05:01 PM
Originally posted by Dave Hancock
Jill, that joke was udder p!sh!!

Quit beefing you two

:devil:

Bardsey
5th-December-2003, 05:11 PM
Originally posted by Dave Hancock
Jill, that joke was udder p!sh!!

Don't get in a flap! I'll try and think of anudder in a minute.

psyc0diver
5th-December-2003, 05:21 PM
Originally posted by Bardsey
Don't get in a flap! I'll try and think of anudder in a minute.

that wasnt any butter than the last

Dave Hancock
5th-December-2003, 05:23 PM
Additional cow corporations:-

Swedish Corporation
You use the cows in your porn movie.

Iraqi Corporation
You have no cows. UN inspectors confirm you have no cows. America invades, claiming you have udders of mass destruction and steal all your milk.

Bardsey
5th-December-2003, 05:23 PM
Originally posted by psyc0diver
that wasnt any butter than the last

No it was a bit cheesy I agree:rolleyes:

Bardsey
5th-December-2003, 05:25 PM
Originally posted by Dave Hancock
Additional cow corporations:-

Swedish Corporation
You use the cows in your porn movie.

Iraqi Corporation
You have no cows. UN inspectors confirm you have no cows. America invades, claiming you have udders of mass destruction and steal all your milk.

Nice One!

Irish Corporation#
Ah bejasus! I'm sure we had a cow round here somewhere! Never mind, we'll have to have guinness instead of milk.

Will
5th-December-2003, 05:28 PM
You'd have thought someone would have come up with a "Scottish Cow" by now !?

psyc0diver
5th-December-2003, 05:30 PM
Originally posted by Bardsey
Nice One!

Irish Corporation#
Ah bejasus! I'm sure we had a cow round here somewhere! Never mind, we'll have to have guinness instead of milk.

well enough of this bull, I've herd enough. Time to put on my jersy & go home
TCOY

Bardsey
5th-December-2003, 05:35 PM
Originally posted by psyc0diver
well enough of this bull, I've herd enough. Time to put on my jersy & go home
TCOY

I just know I'm gonna hate this.... but I have to ask....okay what does TCOY stand for?

TheTramp
5th-December-2003, 06:07 PM
Originally posted by Bardsey
I just know I'm gonna hate this.... but I have to ask....okay what does TCOY stand for? Take Care Of Yourselves??

Steve

Lory
5th-December-2003, 06:07 PM
TAMPAX have announced they have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of Tinsel........

They say its for the Christmas period only!


:rofl:

Chris
5th-December-2003, 07:00 PM
Originally posted by Lory
TAMPAX have announced they have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of Tinsel........
They say its for the Christmas period only!


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Jive Brummie
6th-December-2003, 06:20 PM
Originally posted by Lory
TAMPAX have announced they have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of Tinsel........

They say its for the Christmas period only!


:rofl:

Lory.... that's proper filthy...




.............I love it:rofl:

ChrisA
8th-December-2003, 11:42 AM
Girls, I require your attention!
We always hear “the rules” from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side. They are all numbered “1” intentionally.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Saturday Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won’t dress like the Charlie’s Angels don’t expect us to act like film stars.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during adverts.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions - neither do we.
1. Men see in only 16 colours, like Window’s default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. (We have no idea what mauve is.)
1. If something itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing”, we will act as if nothing WERE wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or cars.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don’t mind that - it’s like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education

Bardsey
8th-December-2003, 01:20 PM
Originally posted by ChrisA
Girls, I require your attention!
We always hear “the rules” from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side. They are all numbered “1” intentionally.


1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions - neither do we.


:rofl: :rofl: Yeah right! :rofl:

Boomer
8th-December-2003, 05:19 PM
Originally posted by ChrisA
Girls, I require your attention!
We always hear “the rules” from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side. They are all numbered “1” intentionally.....
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don’t mind that - it’s like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education
Who da man!?!?! He da Man!!! Big-up ta da Troofsta, keepin' it reeaalll :waycool:

:rofl:

Bardsey
8th-December-2003, 05:29 PM
Originally posted by Boomer
Who da man!?!?! He da Man!!! Big-up ta da Troofsta, keepin' it reeaalll :waycool:

:rofl:

My God, Boomster! You'll be walking round wearing bright yellow, wearing wrap-round shades and loads of bling next, saying "who's yo daddy? "I's yo daddy"

Boomer
8th-December-2003, 05:35 PM
Originally posted by Bardsey
My God, Boomster! You'll be walking round wearing bright yellow, wearing wrap-round shades and loads of bling next, saying "who's yo daddy? "I's yo daddy"

Hey! Dat be bling-bling mama!.....What on god's earth am I on about? :what:

Sheepman
8th-December-2003, 05:36 PM
"You know you can't change a man don't you?"

"What's the point of having one then?"

Greg

Bardsey
8th-December-2003, 05:36 PM
Originally posted by Boomer
Hey! Dat be bling-bling mama!.....What on god's earth am I on about? :what:

Beats me! :confused: :D

ChrisA
8th-December-2003, 05:37 PM
Originally posted by Boomer
Who da man!?!?! He da Man!!! Big-up ta da Troofsta, keepin' it reeaalll :waycool:

"da Troofsta" is in reality my 12-year old nephew, who sent me that stuff .. :really: :really:

I kid you not.

Bardsey
8th-December-2003, 05:40 PM
Originally posted by ChrisA
"da Troofsta" is in reality my 12-year old nephew, who sent me that stuff .. :really: :really:

I kid you not.

Brainwashed at 12.....what is the world coming to? :rolleyes: His poor future wife stands no chance!:rofl:

Boomer
8th-December-2003, 05:55 PM
Originally posted by Sandy
just a teeny bit risky!

> > How to Shower Like A Man:
> >
...
Recognise yourself anyone????

:wink:
Just seen this one...oops :blush:

Woo-hoo! :grin:

Bardsey
9th-December-2003, 01:50 PM
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while gently holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growl emitted from cat. Get partner to hold cat firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into its mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shatter vases from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get partner to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band aid to partner’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, leaving head showing. Force mouth open with desert spoon, flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire brigade to retrieve the f***ing cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little ba***rds front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Get heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be tough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash down pill and steak.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get partner to drive you to A and E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes remnants of pill from left eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any goldfish.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
Wrap it in bacon.

TheTramp
9th-December-2003, 03:20 PM
DEC 20TH
It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.

DEC 24th
We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again.

The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.

DEC 26th
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled the driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish - grey.

JAN 1st
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars. Fell on my a#se in the driveway. Went to a physio but nothing was broken.

JAN 5th
Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work.She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing. Had another 8 inches of white s**te last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush That bastard snowplough came by twice today...... Where's that bloody shovel!!!!!!!!!!!!>


JAN 9th
More f*****g snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd Degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car hit a deer on the way to casualty and car was written off.

JAN 13th
F****** b******d white s**te just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little sods next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that carrot so far up the little sods a**e it'll take a good surgeon hours to find it. If I ever catch the a**ehole that drives the snowplough I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the b*****d hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael "f*****g" Schumacher and buries the driveway again.

JAN 17th
16 more sodding inches of f*****g snow and f*****g ice and f*****g sleet and god knows what other white s**te fell last night. I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice-pick. Can't move my f*****g toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20 and more snow forecast

F**K THIS, I'M MOVING BACK TO LONDON

(Thanks to Forte who sent me this in an email!!) :D

Steve

Bardsey
9th-December-2003, 03:29 PM
Originally posted by TheTramp



F**K THIS, I'M MOVING BACK TO LONDON

(Thanks to Forte who sent me this in an email!!) :D

Steve

Thanks Steve, I'd just got my eyes looking okay again after laughing so much at the Cat one I posted, when my friend sent me it, now I have to start all over again. Must have a feather up my b*m today, :eek: everything is making me crack up!!!:rofl:

TheTramp
9th-December-2003, 03:31 PM
Originally posted by Bardsey
Must have a feather up my b*m today, :eek: Maybe that's what makes you a wiggle-a*se??

Steve

Bardsey
9th-December-2003, 03:34 PM
Originally posted by TheTramp
Maybe that's what makes you a wiggle-a*se??

Steve

:rofl: :rofl: I walked right into that one, didn't I? Nice one!:rofl:

TheTramp
9th-December-2003, 03:35 PM
Originally posted by Bardsey
:rofl: :rofl: I walked right into that one, didn't I? Nice one!:rofl: Yup. Seemed the obvious answer to me too :D :hug:

Steve

Forte
9th-December-2003, 04:06 PM
That cat one is wonderful. Oh my goodness...how many times have I been there!:rofl:

Bardsey
9th-December-2003, 04:08 PM
Originally posted by Forte
That cat one is wonderful. Oh my goodness...how many times have I been there!:rofl:

Thought you'd appreciate that Jackster, one for us cat-lovers!
See my PM

Sheepman
9th-December-2003, 04:55 PM
Originally posted by Bardsey
:rofl: :rofl: I walked right into that one, didn't I? You must be VERY relaxed if just walking (backwards?) into a feather sends it up your . . .

:sorry G

Sheepman
9th-December-2003, 04:58 PM
Why do washing machines have a window in them? For the cat to see out.


You know that if you cut the whiskers off a cat, they have trouble getting through gaps and stuff. I know it's true, 'cos we used to do that to my Nan

Greg

Bardsey
9th-December-2003, 05:26 PM
Originally posted by Sheepman
You must be VERY relaxed if just walking (backwards?) into a feather sends it up your . . .

:sorry G

:rofl: :rofl: you have NO idea! :rofl:

You know that if you cut the whiskers off a cat, they have trouble getting through gaps and stuff. I know it's true, 'cos we used to do that to my Nan[/QUOTE]

I can't believe you are so cruel, sheepie
:rofl:

Sheepman
9th-December-2003, 05:34 PM
Originally posted by Bardsey
:rofl: :rofl: you have NO idea! :rofl: I'm open to explanations though . . .

Originally posted by Bardsey
:I can't believe you are so cruel, sheepie
:rofl: you have NO idea!

I was talking to my dog the other day, you can't really have a proper discussion with him, 'cos his mind's everywhere - "Bird, stick, cat, ball, tail."
Every time he's losing an argument, which is about 9 times out of ten, he just says "But I can lick my testicles, can you?"
I try to explain to him that I may not be able to lick my testicles, but if I want to wipe my arse, I don't HAVE TO DRAG MY ARSE ACROSS THE CARPET!

Question
Are birds scared of heights?

Greg

Bardsey
9th-December-2003, 05:43 PM
Originally posted by Sheepman
I try to explain to him that I may not be able to lick my testicles, but if I want to wipe my arse, I don't HAVE TO DRAG MY ARSE ACROSS THE CARPET!

:rofl: :rofl:

Question
Are birds scared of heights?

Greg

This one is! Squaaaaaaaaakkkkkk!

Sheepman
9th-December-2003, 06:18 PM
Question
Are birds scared of heights?


Yes, that's why they flap their wings!

G

Lory
10th-December-2003, 03:10 PM
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and
takes their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy. "I would like
a
Coke," said the second little piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of
water," said the third little piggy.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for
dinner.


"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy. "I would like the
salad
plate," said the second piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of
water,"
said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached
the
table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy. "I want a root beer
float," said the second piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of
water,"
exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter! to the third little piggy,
"but
why have you only ordered water all evening?"

You're gonna LOVE me for this....




The third piggy says -

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!" :blush:

Bardsey
10th-December-2003, 03:15 PM
Originally posted by Lory


The third piggy says -

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!" :blush:

*groan* :rofl: Did I make a pig's ear of the quote's this time Boomer?

Boomer
10th-December-2003, 03:21 PM
Originally posted by Bardsey
*groan* :rofl: Did I make a pig's ear of the quote's this time Boomer?

No :really: ...time will tell.

Sheepman
10th-December-2003, 03:52 PM
My Dad always used to say, "never a borrower or a lender be." And the bank sacked him, of course.

Greg

Dance Demon
10th-December-2003, 06:11 PM
A primary school teacher is teaching arithmetic to her class of 10 year olds. "Johnny, if there are three crows sitting on a fence, and the farmer shoots one of them, how many would be left" she asked. "None miss," came the reply. " No Johnny, think about it. There are three crows, the farmer shoots one , how many are left?" Once again Johnny replies "none miss."
Teacher asks Johnny to explain his answer. " Well miss, the farmer shot one crow, and the noise from the gun frightened the other two away" explained Johnny. Teacher scratches her head and says "well Johnny, the answer I was looking for was two.....3-1=2 .......but I really like your way of thinking."
Johnny then asks "please miss, can I ask you a question?". "Certainly Johnny, fire away" says Teacher.
" There are three women walking down the road eating lillipops. One is chewing it, one is licking it and the other is sucking it. Which one is married ?" asks Johnny...After a pause the embarrassed teacher replies, "well I suppose it must be the one sucking it"......"No miss, it's the one wearing the wedding ring" retorts Johnny...............But I really like your way of thinking..
:wink:

Lory
10th-December-2003, 06:31 PM
How Icecream is made!

David Franklin
10th-December-2003, 06:48 PM
Subject: Letter to Our Cats

Dear Cats:

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions
with one another so there are still three cats in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a
paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim
for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest.

The hallway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the end of the hall is not the object. Tripping me
doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Look at videos of cats sleeping; they can
actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep
perpendicular to one another stretched out to the fullest extent
possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing
but kitty sarcasm.

My phone cord is not black licorice.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If
by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your
paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit
through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using
bathrooms for years; feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cat's butt. I
cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

The bathroom sink is for washing hands and was not meant to be your
personal water fountain. I'm tired of being summoned to the bathroom
when you are ready for a drink. The bowl of water in the kitchen is
not contaminated and has no floaters! So from now on you will drink
from there... I put fresh water in daily!

Rules for non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our
pets.

1. The cats live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want cat hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.

3. I like my cats a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, he's a cat. To me, he's an adopted son who is short,
hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5. Cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all
the time, are easier to train, sometimes come when called, never
drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke
or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear
your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if
they get pregnant, you can sell the kittens.

Bardsey
11th-December-2003, 12:41 PM
Originally posted by Lory
How Icecream is made!

Ohmygod Lory, that's the last time I eat ice-cream....:sick:

Bardsey
11th-December-2003, 12:48 PM
Originally posted by David Franklin
Subject: Letter to Our Cats

Dear Cats:


I should print this out and read it to my cat.

I would also add to the list :-

When I'm watching TV, if I thought I needed a fur round my neck to keep warm, I'd go buy one that doesn't keep head-butting my chin when I stop stroking it!!!

Bardsey
11th-December-2003, 12:55 PM
2 SARS bugs leave the pub after a night of drinking one turns to the other and says, 'Bloody Hell, I could murder a Chinese'



A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin." "I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get boobs too." :blush:

Pammy
11th-December-2003, 12:56 PM
Originally posted by Bardsey
head-butting my chin

That's not head butting!!!

That's a kiss!! :kiss:

I love it when Darcy does that to me!

Dance Demon
11th-December-2003, 06:35 PM
Originally posted by Bardsey

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin." "I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get boobs too." :blush:

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: nice one bardsey

Bardsey
12th-December-2003, 11:34 AM
While on his state visit to England, George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom"
The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?", to which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush".

Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country".

Will
12th-December-2003, 12:51 PM
Be very proud to be British Because...
Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to
the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can
buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to
the counters.

Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the
drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a
skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION...
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new
shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while
the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas
decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker
pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out
of the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit
cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after
opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

8 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control
Scalextric cars.

And finally.........

In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the
toilet.

RULE BRITANNIA!!

Boy Wonder
12th-December-2003, 03:07 PM
And now a fitba' joke for any Killie fans amongst us..

a killie fan was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits and a wrinkled face.
'Whos he?' asked the Killie lad.
'That's the Memory man.' said the bartender. 'He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go try him out.' So the intrepid Bellfield boy goes over, and thinking he wont know anything about scottish football, asks 'Who won the 1997 Scottish Cup final?' 'Kilmarnock' replies the Memory man almost immediatly. 'Who did they beat?' 'Falkirk' was the reply. 'What was the score then?' '1-0', 'Who scored the winning goal?' 'Paul Wright' was the old mans' reply.
The young scot was knocked out by this and on his return home told everyone about the truly amazing Memory man whom he met on holiday.
A few years later he returned to the USA and remembering his meeting with the Memory man decided to revisit the same bar to see if this impressive man was still alive. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. With the greatest of respect for the old man the killie boy decided to greet the indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the traditional indian greeting 'How'.



The Memory man replied....................'right foot shot from a corner in the 21st minute'.

Ah, the old ones are the best ones right enuff.




:rofl: :rofl:

psyc0diver
12th-December-2003, 05:17 PM
Answering Machine Message at the Mental Health Institute

"Hello and Welcome to the Mental Health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5,6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, if doesn't matter which number you press - no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696996699696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep, please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 – if you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

Sheepman
16th-December-2003, 01:33 PM
Heard on radio 4 yesterday:-

What goes 99 bonk, 99 bonk, 99 bonk?

A Welshman counting sheep.

Sorry Steve :really:

Greg

xSalsa_Angelx
16th-December-2003, 01:35 PM
Originally posted by Sandy
Your jokes made me laugh out loud!:grin:

Now who are you Salsa Angel??? Do you go on a Tuesday to Aberdeen class?? Will you be there tonight??

Sandy:cheers:

Just got this post now Sandy, I have met you before in O Donaghues, I am the the one with long red hair down to my ass like my avatar..!!!

Pammy
16th-December-2003, 03:32 PM
Just go this and thought I'd share it. :grin:

Martin
16th-December-2003, 03:50 PM
OK so my mum used to teach 6 year olds, she came out with some crackers...

even though I am now slightly older I still love this one (the child in me...)

Man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder, the monkey reaches over and swipes the cap off the other man standing at the bar and munches it to pieces then puts it back on the mans head.
The guy at the bar says, "hey mate, your monkey just munched my cap up"
The man with the monkey says "f**k off not my problem".
Man at the bar says "hey mate I don't like your attitude!"
Man with monkey - "It's not my attitude, it's your hat he chewed"

TheTramp
16th-December-2003, 04:01 PM
Originally posted by Pammy
Just go this and thought I'd share it. :grin: So then Pammy. Would an appropriate title for that picture be:

The beginning (and end) of Jimmy's attempt to start up a Polar Big Band. :D

Steve

Geordieed
16th-December-2003, 04:22 PM
I read this, this morning and thought it was really funny.


> > >According to the Alaska Department of Fish and
> > Game, both male and
> > >female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each
> > year.
> > >
> > >Males drop their antlers at the beginning of
> > winter, usually late
> > >November
> > >to December. Females retain their antlers 'til
> > after they give birth
> > >in the spring.
> > >
> > >Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition
> > depicting Santa's
> > >reindeer,
> > >EVERY single one of them, from Rudolf to Blitzen,
> > had to be female.
> > >We should've known.
> > >
> > >ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a
> > red
> > >velvet suit all around the world in one night and
> > not get lost

Forte
16th-December-2003, 04:34 PM
Originally posted by TheTramp
So then Pammy. Would an appropriate title for that picture be:

The beginning (and end) of Jimmy's attempt to start up a Polar Big Band. :D

Steve

:rofl: :rofl: :grin: :hug:

Bardsey
16th-December-2003, 05:25 PM
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy.
> > >
Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I
got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I
cuckooed another 9 times.
> > >
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
> > >
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I
told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
> > >
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock
cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh no', cuckooed 4 more times,
cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and f*rted."

Martin
16th-December-2003, 05:34 PM
Originally posted by Bardsey
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy.
> > >
Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I
got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I
cuckooed another 9 times.
> > >
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
> > >
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I
told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
> > >
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock
cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh no', cuckooed 4 more times,
cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and f*rted."

Maybe it's 3:30 am in Aussie, maybe I'm half (or fully cut) BUT this one is really funny, can I use it to e-mail my friends over in Aussie Land?

Marty:cheers: :kiss: :rofl:

Bardsey
16th-December-2003, 05:36 PM
Originally posted by Martin
Maybe it's 3:30 am in Aussie, maybe I'm half (or fully cut) BUT this one is really funny, can I use it to e-mail my friends over in Aussie Land?

Marty:cheers: :kiss: :rofl:

Be my guest, Marty. Glad you liked it!

Jill

Pammy
17th-December-2003, 03:45 PM
Faster than a falling nut! Stronger than a possum! Able to leap short bushes in a single bound!...

Pammy
18th-December-2003, 04:11 PM
I liked this one :grin:

TheTramp
18th-December-2003, 04:29 PM
I thought that this one was pretty funny :D

Steve

Bardsey
18th-December-2003, 04:40 PM
Originally posted by TheTramp
I thought that this one was pretty funny :D

Steve

Don't get it! Looks okay to me! :D

TheTramp
18th-December-2003, 04:55 PM
Originally posted by Bardsey
Don't get it! Looks okay to me! :D Yes. But you are blonde :D

Steve

Bardsey
18th-December-2003, 04:59 PM
Originally posted by TheTramp
Yes. But you are blonde :D

Steve

This is true! :rofl:

Will
19th-December-2003, 11:48 AM
Where does Sadam Hussain keep his CD's? In A Rack.

psyc0diver
19th-December-2003, 03:28 PM
The Reason Blonde Jokes Will Never Go Away

This is a True Story, if she had killed herself she'd be a shoe-in for the Darwin Award. Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, a woman, who happened to be blonde, and new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine was fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
:D

Bardsey
19th-December-2003, 03:39 PM
Originally posted by psyc0diver
The Reason Blonde Jokes Will Never Go Away

:D

I'm getting tired of blonde jokes now......think I'll go dye my hair !:rolleyes: :wink:

psyc0diver
19th-December-2003, 04:06 PM
Originally posted by Bardsey
I'm getting tired of blonde jokes now......think I'll go dye my hair !:rolleyes: :wink:

Heres an Aberdeen one then

Bardsey
19th-December-2003, 04:28 PM
Originally posted by psyc0diver
Heres an Aberdeen one then

:rofl: :rofl: Good one!

Dance Demon
19th-December-2003, 04:57 PM
Originally posted by psyc0diver
Heres an Aberdeen one then


Aha...obviously the master of quick wit & ready repartee:D

psyc0diver
21st-December-2003, 03:24 AM
Originally posted by Dance Demon
Aha...obviously the master of quick wit & ready repartee:D
Yeah - being in Aberdeen he was likely to have the red nose

TheTramp
25th-December-2003, 12:27 PM
On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the
following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman

2 American men and 1 American woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a manage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores.

The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and one look at the endless ocean. And then started swimming.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other, while the Greek woman cooks and cleans for them.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't getting any either.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.


Steve

TheTramp
4th-January-2004, 10:38 PM
Distressed Widow

When Big Peter McFlannel dies in Glasgow, his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once, so she goes to the newspaper and says "I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband"

The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"

The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok".

So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter McFlannel, fae Parkheid, deid".

The clerk feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hands the paper over the counter again.

The clerk then reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale £1000"

Steve

fruitcake
4th-January-2004, 11:42 PM
This ones a bit long but persevere!

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled
in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in
Heaven", said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it
went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.
In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her
were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.
They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.
She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly
Gates and found St.Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. Meeting all the Union reps that had gone before her.
She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours
were up and St. Peter came and got her.
So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in
heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but the people are not my kind of guys... I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went
down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator
opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was
here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled.
"Yesterday we were recruiting, today you're on the staff..."

ChrisA
5th-January-2004, 02:15 AM
Originally posted by fruitcake
"Yesterday we were recruiting, today you're on the staff..." :rofl:

I remember why I work for myself now... :really:

Chris

stewart38
5th-January-2004, 10:44 AM
qu) Why will you never go hungary in the desert ?

Ans) Because of all the sandwhich is there

qu) Shall I tell you the story about the wall ?

Ans) Better not you might not get over it

They can get worst :confused:

Bardsey
5th-January-2004, 11:38 AM
>Fairy told a married couple: "As a gift for being an exemplary
married couple for 25 years I will give you a wish"
"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband" said the
wife. The Fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! two tickets
appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said:
"Well....this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this
only occurs once in a lifetime. So.... I'm sorry my love, but....my wish
is...to have a wife 30 years younger than me"
>
The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish.
The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and.... abracadabra!
>
Suddenly the husband was 90 years old.
>
What is the lesson learned?: Men can be bastards, but
>
>
Fairies are.......................... females!!!

stewart38
5th-January-2004, 12:13 PM
I fell like telling people the story about the butter but I better not they might spread it


I can think of worse ones

:cool:

Dreadful Scathe
5th-January-2004, 01:04 PM
Originally posted by stewart38
I fell like telling people the story about the butter but I better not they might spread it



No, do tell !!



Originally posted by stewart38

I can think of worse ones

i really doubt that - 'as bad' is the best you can hope for :)

stewart38
5th-January-2004, 04:01 PM
Originally posted by Dreadful Scathe
No, do tell !!



i really doubt that - 'as bad' is the best you can hope for :)

How about this one


Where do you sleep in sea ?

On the sea bed

I think thats the worst one i can think of however I use to be indecisive but now I'm not so sure :sick:

TheTramp
5th-January-2004, 04:05 PM
These are all truly, truly bad Stewart!

Steve

TheTramp
5th-January-2004, 04:06 PM
In the old days the English and Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills and at day break they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight.

One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day. Whilst the two armies were resting a voice, with a scottish accent came from within the dense fog.

"Any one scotsman can beat any 10 englishmen".

With this, the english general sent down 10 of his soldiers. There was a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard.

"Any one scotsman can beat any 50 englishman".

With this the english general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned. An hour later the same voice.

"Any one scotsman can beat any 100 englishman".

Same same, down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later.

"Any one scotsman can beat any 1,000 englishman".

By this time, the english general had enough and was about to send down his elite soldiers, when he saw a lone englishman crawling up the hill. He was battered to a pulp. As he reached his general he said, "Don't send any more troops down, its a trap, THERES TWO OF THE B*STARDS".

Steve

stewart38
5th-January-2004, 04:13 PM
Doctor doctor people keep ignoring me

Doctor : Who said that ?

I know some long joke but too much to type

ChrisA
5th-January-2004, 04:19 PM
Originally posted by stewart38
I know some long joke but too much to type
Thank gawd for that :rolleyes::tears: :really:

stewart38
5th-January-2004, 04:59 PM
I went to bed last night with a pencil

It helps me 'draw the curtains' at night

Next


Big oil fire in Houston, Texas costing the company Stewlot that owns the site $2m a day

They know of a company called Red Addair famous for putting out oil fires. They phone them but their fully booked for a week and the company can't afford to lose $14m, this oil fire would cost. Their desperate and they don’t have the technical expertise to put it out

Red Addair tell them of a company based in Dublin called Green Addair who may help

The company phone Green Addair and beg for help and to their delight they can come out straight away to put out this oil fire. Their charge of £500,000 also seem good although Stewlot are a bit weary as there not a well known company.

Early next day Green Addair arrive .Stewlot see the plane coming in. It lands and it comes to abrupt stop on the run way and out shoots a jeep, with it looks like has over a 100 paddies on it in yellow mackintosh tops and yellow wellington boots.

The jeep shoots straight into the flames of the oil fire 1000 yards away and Stewlot company representatives looks on in horror .

They scream that this is insanity, they (the 100 paddies on the jeep) will all burn to depth and sure enough the paddies are soon getting out of the jeep and jumping up and down with their boots and tops smoldering from the heat.

However because there are so many of them that eventually they put out the fire. Stew pots has seen something’s but that’s the oddest thing ever and the weirdest way of ever putting out a oil fire.

The leader of this group comes over with his Wellington boots still smoldering from the heat his face all burnt

Stewlot says I tell you what that is the oddest way I have ever seen any company ever put out a oil fire. I’ll give you an extra £300,000 on top of the agreed £500,000 for originality

What do you think you will do with the extra £300,000 ?

Paddy the leader says well the first thing I’m going to do is get some f----king breaks for that jeep !

Dreadful Scathe
5th-January-2004, 06:22 PM
terrible......and...
You really are the worst at grammar and spelling - feel free to take gadgets crown :).

You don't get the title of 'Most Incoherant' though, as spelling and making sense don't necessarily go hand in hand.... there are several other contenders for that crown :).

Chris
5th-January-2004, 07:01 PM
Originally posted by Dreadful Scathe
terrible......and...
You really are the worst at grammar and spelling - feel free to take gadgets crown :).

You don't get the title of 'Most Incoherant' though, as spelling and making sense don't necessarily go hand in hand.... there are several other contenders for that crown :).

Why not have a fOscars for Forum 'crowns'?

Lots of possible categories

Most informative
Most interesting thread
Best handbagging
Best poll
Best joke
Most tetchy poster
Most helpful
Best newcomer

You could send nominations (and new categories) to the Dreadful Scathe - if he's willing :)

Andy McGregor
5th-January-2004, 08:28 PM
Originally posted by stewart38
I went to bed last night with a pencil

And I thought I was weird:wink:

Nick M
6th-January-2004, 12:47 AM
Originally posted by stewart38
I went to bed last night with a pencil

did you use a rubber?

Dreadful Scathe
6th-January-2004, 10:10 AM
Originally posted by Nick M
did you use a rubber?

see Stewart38....now thats funny. Pay attention to this man :)



Originally posted by Chris
You could send nominations (and new categories) to the Dreadful Scathe - if he's willing ?

There are going to be forum awards in September I believe, at some fantastic futuristic event. Its got to be futuristic as its 8 months away- we'll all be in flying cars by then. Suggestions can be sent to me if you like, saves Franck being troubled by 90 variations of the same thing :)

psyc0diver
6th-January-2004, 03:27 PM
Originally posted by psyc0diver

Well this is the 100th post, & I'll also use it to let people know I'm quitting dancing :sad: , but its gotta be done.
I'll possably pop onto the forum occasionally, but it'll be good night from me & good night from him

Sheepman
7th-January-2004, 02:51 PM
I've got deja vu (again!) about this one, bet here goes anyway:-


Subject: Ferrari F1 Team.


It has just been announced that the Ferrari Formula 1
Team have fired their entire Pit Crew yesterday. The
action followed Ferraris decision to take advantage of
the British Governments Work For the Dole Scheme
and hire unemployed youths from Liverpool.
The decision was brought on by a recent documentary
on how unemployed Scousers were able to remove a
set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds, without proper
equipment, whereas Ferraris existing crew could only
do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of
high-tec gear.
This was thought to be an excellent and bold move by
the Ferrari management, as most F1 races are won
and lost in the pits. Ferrari are seen now to have a
massive advantage over every other team.
However !!!
Ferrari got more than they bargained for, during the
Scouse crews first practice session not only were they
able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within
12 seconds they had also re-sprayed, re-badged, and
sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for four dozen
cans of Special Brew, a gram of Coke and a quick
shufty at Coulthards bird in the shower.

Greg

Bardsey
7th-January-2004, 03:56 PM
Originally posted by Sheepman
I've got deja vu (again!) about this one, bet here goes anyway:-
Subject: Ferrari F1 Team.


:rofl: :rofl: Nice one, Greg!

stewart38
7th-January-2004, 04:01 PM
I'm not going to do a old joke like

Why did the hedgehog cross the road ?

To see his flatmates

As its a prickly subject

Gorilla went into a bar and ask for a pint of bitter

Landlord said that will be £3.20 and you know we don't get many gorillas in here

Gorilla said I'm not surprised at these prices

It was a Irish Gorilla so the landlord asked him what type of bitter, would whitbread do ?

The gorilla said yes two slices

stewart38
8th-January-2004, 10:33 AM
Another classic

A shepherds pie goes into a pub and asks for a pint of bitter


Landlords says 'sorry we don't sell food in here'


:confused:

TheTramp
8th-January-2004, 10:58 AM
Originally posted by stewart38
Another classic

A shepherds pie goes into a pub and asks for a pint of bitter


Landlords says 'sorry we don't sell food in here'


:confused: Wouldn't that work better if the landlord had said that they don't serve food in there?

Steve

stewart38
8th-January-2004, 11:03 AM
Originally posted by TheTramp
Wouldn't that work better if the landlord had said that they don't serve food in there?

Steve

I no where I'm going wrong its getting the punch line right :tears:

yes serve is correct :blush:

Dreadful Scathe
8th-January-2004, 11:04 AM
Originally posted by TheTramp
Wouldn't that work better if the landlord had said that they don't serve food in there?


only slightly better :)

Sheepman
8th-January-2004, 01:22 PM
Yes, I know it's another old one, but it made me chuckle:-
Greg

A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is
having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one
complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "Is there anything you
can do for me?"
The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do
know this witch who may be able to help you."
So the doctor gives him directions to the witch. The man calls upon the
witch and relays his story.

"Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything bedone
to help me? You are my only hope."
The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I
think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into the
forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on
a log. This frog has magic power. You say to the frog, will you marry me?
When the frog says no, your penis will lose five inches."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He found the frog
and called out to it, "Will you marry me?"
The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO."
The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter.
"WOW," he screamed out, "this is great! But it's still too long at 20
inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again."
"Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.
The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"
The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another
5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic."
He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long and reflected for a
moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be
ideal. He looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog! willyou marry me?"
The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times do
I have to tell you?"

"NO, NO, NO!!!"

stewart38
8th-January-2004, 01:51 PM
Originally posted by Sheepman
A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is




Didn't know we could do rude ones

Guy at the top of some scaffolding realized he needed a hand saw

He shouted but couldn't be heard down below so he indicated to his colleague below by signals

He pointed to his eye (ie I) pointed to his knee (ie need) then his hand then did a sawing motion

The guy below saw the signals did the thumbs up sign then started to take his trousers down and take out his penis and started rubbing it

The bloke at the top looked on in horror and hurried down to his colleague below and asked what the hell he was doing.

The colleague looked bemused and said I was just indicating 'I was coming'

:blush:

Bardsey
8th-January-2004, 01:55 PM
Originally posted by stewart38
Didn't know we could do rude ones


The colleague looked bemused and said I was just indicating 'I was coming'

:blush:

I know a similar joke but its a woman who signals by pointing to her eye, her left breast and her bum. When the guy came down from the scaffolding to see what she meant she said "I left it behind" :blush:

stewart38
9th-January-2004, 12:04 PM
I saw my mate paddy crying yesterday at work and being a caring boss I asked what was wrong :(

He said he had just got a phone call saying his father had died

I said you don't want to stay here you better get home

Paddy said no I would prefer to work and keep my mind busy

A few hours later I noticed he was crying again and asked what was wrong and he really should go home re the loss of his dad

Paddy told me he wasn't crying over that but had just had a call from his brother and had found out he had lost his dad to :confused:

stewart38
9th-January-2004, 12:06 PM
What do you call a women who knows where abouts of hubby ??


A Widow ??

Mary
9th-January-2004, 01:45 PM
I have a rude-ish one.

Bloke walks into a pub, and he happens to have a steering wheel on the end of his penis.

He goes to the bar and orders a pint of bitter from the barman. Barman serves him his pint, bloke pays for it, but as the barman is bringing him his change back he says to the bloke "excuse me sir. I can't help but notice that you have a steering wheel on the end of your knob!" Bloke takes his change and replies "yeah, it's driving me nuts!"
:blush


M:

Nick M
9th-January-2004, 01:52 PM
Originally posted by Mary
Bloke walks into a pub, and he happens to have a steering wheel on the end of his penis.


In similar vein, a bloke goes to see the psychiatrist, with no trousers but with his genitals wrapped in clingfilm.

The psychiatrist says "I can clearly see you're nuts"

fruitcake
11th-January-2004, 10:35 AM
Sorry Guys!!!!

Man Rules !
1. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following Circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family,you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours,his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event,you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach...and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.
12. Only in situations of Moral and/or physical perilare you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.
13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports"must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat,even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
18. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
19. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.
20. If you complement a bloke on his six-pack,you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
21. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a Mate of yours,except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
22. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
23. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing,both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
24. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
25. You cannot grass on a colleague who shows up at work with a massive hangover.You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with cheese,turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken,and have him paged over the loud speaker every seven minutes.
26. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly"just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex,the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
27. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
28. Thou shalt not buy a car with an engine capacity of less than 1.4 litres.Thou shall not really buy a car with less than 1.8 litres, 16 valves, and a turbo.
29. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
30. The girl who replies to the question"What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me , you'd know what I want!"gets a Playstation 2. End of Story
:kiss: :Fruitcake
:

Dreadful Scathe
11th-January-2004, 01:01 PM
Originally posted by fruitcake
Sorry Guys!!!!

Man Rules !........
:

Why sorry - so true :D

Martin
11th-January-2004, 03:01 PM
Fruitcake you are 100% right the true rules are there for all to see.


Originally posted by fruitcake
5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours,his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
:

This is the one I HATE. The only reason I never nailed Mikey's sister :sorry

Apart from all the blood, suffering and hospital bills...:what:

stewart38
12th-January-2004, 01:35 PM
There are 3 old female cerocers who are worried about getting old and the problems that can entail

The first one says I sometimes feed my cat 15 times a day and some days I just forget

The second one says I can't remember peoples names like I use

The third one looking smug says there is nothing wrong with me 'touch wood' (knocking on the table)... oh there is someone at the door I'll see who it is.

TheTramp
14th-January-2004, 02:06 PM
Wee Hughie was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the mad man was up to, he politely asked, 'What are you doing there, Hughie?'

'My goldfish died,' replied Wee Hughie tearfully without looking up, 'and I've just buried him.'

The neighbor was very concerned. 'That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?'

Wee Hughie patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, 'That's because he's inside your @#%$ cat.'

Steve

Dreadful Scathe
14th-January-2004, 02:30 PM
Originally posted by TheTramp
Wee Hughie patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, 'That's because he's inside your @#%$ cat.'



:rofl: take note Stewart38 on what a joke is :)

stewart38
14th-January-2004, 05:03 PM
Originally posted by Dreadful Scathe
:rofl: take note Stewart38 on what a joke is :)

Try getting a sense of humour :wink:

TheTramp
14th-January-2004, 06:05 PM
Bad Day:

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly
this morning on the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and
demand an apology.


Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,
"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of the story.


This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.

I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize
that I had locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break
a window to get my keys.


Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

When I was about three blocks from the store, I got a flat tire.


When I finally got here, there was a bunch of people waiting for me to
open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and,
all the time, the damn phone was ringing off the hook."


He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I
got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. The phone was still
ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which
made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles
on it. . . .all of them hit the floor and broke."


"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got
to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
. . . and believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her......"

Steve

Bardsey
15th-January-2004, 12:24 PM
Originally posted by TheTramp
Bad Day:

Steve

:rofl: :rofl:

CJ
15th-January-2004, 12:49 PM
Originally posted by stewart38
I went to bed last night with a pencil



Did you hear about the constapated mathematician?!?

He used a pencil to work it out.

:blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush:

Lory
15th-January-2004, 01:08 PM
Harold Shipman...

Coroners for Wakefield prison have given there verdict..

they said he died cos he ran out of 'patients'! :sick:

.................................................. ................................................

Commenting on Shipmans death, the prison Govenor said, he would be missed by the boxing team.... as he had **** 'Leathal Jab'!

:tears:

Lory
15th-January-2004, 01:16 PM
He came to me one night...........






explored my body......





licked.......





sucked.......




swallowed.....




& had his fill...



Satified, he left!




I was hurt....:tears:




B*****Y MOSQUITO!

stewart38
16th-January-2004, 10:45 AM
Originally posted by Lory
Harold Shipman...

Coroners for Wakefield prison have given there verdict..

they said he died cos he ran out of 'patients'! :sick:

.................................................. ................................................

Commenting on Shipmans death, the prison Govenor said, he would be missed by the boxing team.... as he had **** 'Leathal Jab'!

:tears:

Not 'funny' :sad:

Dance Demon
16th-January-2004, 02:37 PM
Originally posted by stewart38
Not 'funny' :sad:

Bit like most of your " jokes" then stewart.......:wink:

Bardsey
16th-January-2004, 02:47 PM
Originally posted by Dance Demon
Bit like most of your " jokes" then stewart.......:wink:

Now now boys, calm down, calm down (sound like the Scousers there, don't I?):rofl:

stewart38
16th-January-2004, 05:49 PM
Originally posted by Dance Demon
Bit like most of your " jokes" then stewart.......:wink:

'Most' is an improvment on 'all' my jokes :nice:

My ex thought I was a joke so not sure what the problem is ?

I'm taking the £4.99 big joke book back

Dance Demon
16th-January-2004, 06:38 PM
Hollywood have expressed an interest in making a film of the Harold Shipman case, They want robert De Niro to play the lead part............the film wil be called..........THE OLD DEAR HUNTER!!!!!

Debster
19th-January-2004, 01:11 PM
By coincidence a non-dancing Aussie just sent me this and it made me think of the forum (I almost feel I should apologise about that), just had to post it....

3 scottish sisters went out to buy new shoes. Mary size 8, Annie size 8 and Fanny size 10. They went dancing that night and while Annie and Mary were up dancing a guy commented on what big feet they both had. Annie said "if you think our feet are big you should see the size of our Fannys!"

Dance Demon
19th-January-2004, 04:37 PM
Blonde Essex Girl decides to look for work doing odd jobs. She knocks on the door of a big house and asks if they have any odd jobs needing done. the man of the house asks her how much she would charge to paint the porch. "Ill do it for fifty quid she replies. Ok he says , the paint, brushes and ladders are in the shed. The guy tells his wife that the girl is painting the porch for £50. God that's cheap she says, does she know that the porch goes right round the house?..she must do he replies, she was standing on it when we spoke. An hour later, the girl knocks on the door. I'm finished she says, and I had enough paint to give it two coats............oh and by the way, thats not a Porsch....it's a Ferrari

stewart38
19th-January-2004, 05:24 PM
I use to run a boarding house at the top of a steep hill

I remember an incident that occurred on a cold Christmas night in 2002

It was 3am and I heard this knock on the door

I was annoyed as I was tucked up in my warm bed (with someone I can't remember now)

I tried to ignore this knocking at the front door but it was persistent

I went down stairs and open the door and shouted "who is there" ?

I couldn't see anyone closed the door and went back to bed

Again more knocking so I went downstairs and open the door and shouted, "who is there" ?. I heard this little voice which said "excuse me mister have you got any rooms for the night".

I looked down and saw a small snail !

Annoyed and irritated I kicked the snail off down the hill and went back to bed

A year later come Christmas 2003 again on a cold night at 3am I heard another knock on the door

Going down stairs I open the door and there was the small snail who said

"I take thats a no then" ?

Bardsey
21st-January-2004, 12:43 PM
Subject: Dead Parrot
>
>
>
A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and
said, I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are
you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He
might just be in a coma or something."
>
>
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a
few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked
on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then
looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
>
>
The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The
cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back,
shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.
>
>
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, your
parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably dead."
>
>
He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a
bill which he handed to the woman.
>
>
The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried.
"£150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!"
>
>
The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have
been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan... what did you
expect?"

Dreadful Scathe
21st-January-2004, 04:17 PM
Originally posted by stewart38
"I take thats a no then" ?

I just dont get it - if he took a year to come back as you seem to suggest, where was he sleeping at night ? He must WANT somewhere to sleep if he turned up in the first place. Not only that, but if he truthfully assumed that being kicked down the street was equivalent to 'no we dont have any rooms' why did he come back a year later to say this ? Unless he means to AGAIN ask for a room - but the finality of the previous refusal suggests that this would be futile. I think we must assume that the snail quite happily got on with his life in the intervening year and only came back a year later to resolve the pent up anger from the unprovoked assault. Logically, this has to be true given the facts as presented and this is not therefore a joke, merely a brief look at a possible human/snail soap opera.

...Unless you argue that the illogical assumption that snails can talk in the first place means that nothing can be assumed to be logical in this instance. In which case we COULD be expected to believe that the snail did indeed spend a year crawling back up the hill to carry on the same conversation from the year before. Fairly heroically too, as not only would the initial kick and roll down the hill be painful, the journey back up the hill suggests great strength of character on the part of our snail ! And thats not to mention the deadpan delivery of the 'punchline' when he overcomes the undoubtedly strenuous voyage back. So, overall, a joke to be applauded. Lets hear it for funny snails overcoming adversity. :)

Bardsey
21st-January-2004, 04:27 PM
Originally posted by Dreadful Scathe
I just dont get it - if he took a year to come back as you seem to suggest, where was he sleeping at night ?
...Unless you argue that the illogical assumption that snails can talk in the first place

I think you should seriously think about taking councelling!!:rofl:

Lory
21st-January-2004, 04:42 PM
Originally posted by Dreadful Scathe
Lets hear it for funny snails overcoming adversity. :) :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

stewart38
22nd-January-2004, 04:56 PM
Originally posted by Dreadful Scathe
I just dont get it - if he took a year to come back as you seem to suggest, where was he sleeping at night ? He must WANT somewhere to sleep if he turned up in the first place


According to a recent pole 75% of Californian College students who attended a 'singles weekend', who ask for a 'bed for the night' had no intention of sleeping.:sorry

Would the joke have worked better if it had been a salmon there well known for going back to the same place each year but not for being slow?


Funny thing is I had spare bed ready for the snail in Christmas 2003 he is due to actually take occuapancy by the end of this month when he reaches the room on the 3rd flloor ?

Dreadful Scathe
22nd-January-2004, 05:17 PM
Originally posted by stewart38
According to a recent pole 75% ..snip

Speaking of poles .... try this fabulous south pole based penguin baseball game here (http://pya.cc/pyaimg/pimg.php?imgid=2437) . Its one of those funny langauges - but basically find the yeti with the baseball bat, click the mouse on him and the penguin will fall, click again and go for distance- you have 311.6 to beat so far :)

just refresh your browser page to play again :)

TheTramp
22nd-January-2004, 05:23 PM
314.7 :D

Steve

ChrisA
22nd-January-2004, 05:28 PM
321

TheTramp
22nd-January-2004, 05:36 PM
323.5 :D

Steve

Martin
22nd-January-2004, 05:38 PM
Originally posted by TheTramp
323.5 :D

Steve


319.30 :blush:

I will try harder....

Dreadful Scathe
22nd-January-2004, 05:43 PM
show offs :) still not beaten that :(

Bardsey
22nd-January-2004, 05:48 PM
Originally posted by Martin
319.30 :blush:

I will try harder....

324.7 damn thing kept going in nose-first!

ChrisA
22nd-January-2004, 05:51 PM
Originally posted by Bardsey
324.7 damn thing kept going in nose-first!
My best head first was 207.

I think we should see proof of anything over 320.

:devil:

TheTramp
22nd-January-2004, 06:01 PM
Sure. What do you use to get your screen grab then?

Steve

ChrisA
22nd-January-2004, 06:40 PM
Originally posted by TheTramp
Sure. What do you use to get your screen grab then?

I think it was just CTRL SHIFT PrtScn, then paste the clipboard into PSP and crop.

I wouldn't know how to do it on one of those toy 'puters that Franck uses. :devil:

I was only kidding, tho. I don't think you're the type to cheat...

Chris

TheTramp
22nd-January-2004, 08:43 PM
A state trooper was driving along in the country when he noticed a small black coupe swerving all over the lonely back road. He put on his flashers and pulled the car over. Hopping out of his cruiser, he then approached the blonde lady driver.

"Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"

The blonde replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am...that's your air freshener."


Steve

Franck
23rd-January-2004, 01:50 AM
Originally posted by ChrisA
I think it was just CTRL SHIFT PrtScn, then paste the clipboard into PSP and crop.

I wouldn't know how to do it on one of those toy 'puters that Franck uses. :devil: sounds a bit of a complex Vulcan grip :D

on a mac... just click and drag the picture to the desktop... that's it! :nice:

psyc0diver
23rd-January-2004, 11:17 AM
Originally posted by TheTramp
Bad Day:

. . . and believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her......"

Steve

Last week I went to a seminar called "Stress and Disease" by Dr.
Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology.
He gave an example of a coping skill for job stress which I would like to share with you.
When you have had one of those "TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT!" days, try this:
On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed.
Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bed side table so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it, you will notice, in small print, the proud quality statement that "Every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested."

Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am SO glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip company!" :eek:

Bardsey
23rd-January-2004, 01:07 PM
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

TheTramp
23rd-January-2004, 01:24 PM
Originally posted by psyc0diver
Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am SO glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip company!" :eek: Then go and sterilise your new Q-Tip rectal thermometer very, very thoroughly???

Steve

Mikey
24th-January-2004, 11:11 AM
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea", said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In the church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed."Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!"

Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice.

As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that dammned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!" "Amen," replied the congregation.

Bardsey
30th-January-2004, 03:14 PM
Thought this was funny!

TheTramp
6th-February-2004, 08:57 AM
Bumper Stickers
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Honk! If you want to see my finger


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Honk If Anything Falls Off.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To All You Virgins Thanks For Nothing.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thank You For Pot Smoking.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off... [Seen On The Back Of A Biker's Vest]


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fight Crime: Shoot Back!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [Seen Upside Down,On A Land Rover]


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge [Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant]


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ax Me About Ebonics.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Boldly Going Nowhere.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cat: The Other White Meat.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Warning! Driver Only Carries $20.00 In Ammunition.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Peta - People Eating Tasty Animals.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You! Out Of The Gene Pool!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Illiterate? Write For Help.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Earth Is Full - Go Home.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Honk if you love peace and quiet.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Keep honking...I'm reloading.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling, like the passengers in his car.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

God must love stupid people; He made so many.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CONSCIOUSNESS: That annoying time between naps.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Damned if I do, damned if I don't...so damnit I will!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Accountants don't die they just lose there balance.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes I wake up grumpy, Other times I let her sleep.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Steve

filthycute
6th-February-2004, 10:17 AM
If you don't like my driving, Stay off your porch!


filthycute x x

bobgadjet
6th-February-2004, 01:36 PM
Originally posted by Dreadful Scathe
Speaking of poles .... try this fabulous south pole based penguin baseball game here (http://pya.cc/pyaimg/pimg.php?imgid=2437) . Its one of those funny langauges - but basically find the yeti with the baseball bat, click the mouse on him and the penguin will fall, click again and go for distance- you have 311.6 to beat so far :)

just refresh your browser page to play again :) #I wanna play, I wanna play :tears: but I cant get the penguin game to load :tears:
I get a Quicktime logo on a broken filmstrip every time I load. :tears:
I WANNA PLAY, and I WANNA PLAY NOW :angry:

Bardsey
11th-February-2004, 01:46 PM
Well observed!!
WARNINGPolice are warning all men who frequent clubs, plus party-goers and unsuspecting pub regulars, to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.A date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large kegs. "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and in bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply asks him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to the desire to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as a "relationship". It has been reported that, in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment known as "marriage".Apparently men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex offered by the predatory female.Please show this warning to every male you know!However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support-groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.For the support group near you just look up "Golf Courses" in the Yellow Pages!!

bobgadjet
11th-February-2004, 03:28 PM
Originally posted by Bardsey
I know a similar joke but its a woman who signals by pointing to her eye, her left breast and her bum. When the guy came down from the scaffolding to see what she meant she said "I left it behind" :blush:
:rofl::rofl::rofl:
now THAT's funny :flower:

bobgadjet
11th-February-2004, 03:46 PM
Originally posted by Dance Demon
Blonde Essex Girl decides to look for work doing odd jobs.
Reminded me of another old one........

A guy answers an add in a local shop window "Handy man required for small jobs around the house", so he applies.
He rings the bell at the house and a woman answers the door with a phone in her hand. He tells why he is there and she says

"Well I'm on the phone right now, can you sweep the front yard while I finish this call"

"Oh, I couldn't do that as the dust will get on my chest"

"OK, pop round tha back then, and mow the lawn, I'll be done in a minute"

"Well, I would, omnly with my hayfever....."

"Right" she said "Get that bucket of water and clean the windows then"

"I'd love to, but with my vertigo I could only do the ones on the groun floor"

"Look" she said "you can't do anything I've asked, so why did you apply for the job as a Handy Man"

"Well" he said "I only live across the road, and you can't get much handier than that"

bobgadjet
11th-February-2004, 03:48 PM
Originally posted by Bardsey
Subject: Dead Parrot

Probably the best one I've read for a L O N G time :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

Bardsey
11th-February-2004, 03:52 PM
Originally posted by bobgadjet
Probably the best one I've read for a L O N G time :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

We're obviously on the same dodgy wavelength, Bob :rofl:

bobgadjet
11th-February-2004, 04:11 PM
Originally posted by Bardsey
We're obviously on the same dodgy wavelength, Bob :rofl: Reading thru some of the older stuff on this thread, I think so.
Hope we get a chance to swap notes sometime :flower:

Bardsey
11th-February-2004, 04:14 PM
Originally posted by bobgadjet
Reading thru some of the older stuff on this thread, I think so.
Hope we get a chance to swap notes sometime :flower:

You can bank on it! BB ? Blackpool? Southport? Bound to meet somewhere....:grin:

Bardsey
11th-February-2004, 04:26 PM
Originally posted by Bardsey
Well observed!!


RETRACTION

Just been pointed out to me, nicely and quite rightly, that this is in complete bad taste! Sorry :blush:

Bardsey
12th-February-2004, 05:34 PM
An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all
of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood-curdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling
screams. "Oh my God" says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "she's just having her head drilled
o fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."

"You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"

Stuart
12th-February-2004, 06:39 PM
Did you hear about the man who fell into the machine at the upholsterers?







He's fully recovered!

Rachel
12th-February-2004, 07:04 PM
Originally posted by Bardsey
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. ... Fantastic!!! Have to print this out to show Marc- he'll love it!
Rachle

bobgadjet
12th-February-2004, 07:07 PM
Originally posted by Bardsey
An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
v
v
v
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Two gay guys, Julian and Sandy, went to heaven. Although they had both had really naughty sex lives, St Peter reluctantly let them in with warnings....
1/ If they think about sex with the opposite sex, their wings would fall off.
2/ If they think about sex with the same sex, they would fall through their cloud.

They both agreed to behave as their misbehaviour is well in their past.
As they floated around heaven on their lovely fluffy cloud they saw all sorts of people floating by on their own fluffy clouds.
As Marilyn Monroe floated by, Julians wings fell off, so he bent down to pick them up, and Sandy fell through his cloud.

Sheepman
13th-February-2004, 12:04 PM
A headline recently see on Ceefax

"Man found dead in cemetery"

No way!

Greg

Pammy
13th-February-2004, 01:23 PM
This cracked me up - just looked what languages they speak in Slovenia as Easyjet are now flying there for 4.99 each way :grin:

This was the useful advice they gave - note: these are the only four things you are likely to need to say on your visit...

*****
Conversational phrases given here anticipate situations you are likely to encounter, with comments on customs and lifestyle providing the necessary background information.

Good morning - Dobro jutro (before 8 a.m.). :grin:
May I introduce myself - Dovolite, da se predstavim. :waycool:
soft boiled egg - mehko kuhano jajce :rofl:
Close the window! - Zaprite okno! / Zapri okno! :what:

bobgadjet
13th-February-2004, 06:53 PM
Originally posted by Pammy
This cracked me up - just looked what languages they speak in Slovenia as Easyjet are now flying there for 4.99 each way :grin:

This was the useful advice they gave - note: these are the only four things you are likely to need to say on your visit...

*****
Conversational phrases given here anticipate situations you are likely to encounter, with comments on customs and lifestyle providing the necessary background information.

Good morning - Dobro jutro (before 8 a.m.). :grin:
May I introduce myself - Dovolite, da se predstavim. :waycool:
soft boiled egg - mehko kuhano jajce :rofl:
Close the window! - Zaprite okno! / Zapri okno! :what:
:confused:
Wot, No tea, No toast, No jam ?
What is the world coming to ?
:rofl:

Stuart
14th-February-2004, 12:43 AM
An elderly man went to his doctor and said " Doctor, I think I'm going senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up".

"That's not senility" replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down".

bobgadjet
15th-February-2004, 07:02 PM
Originally posted by Stuart
An elderly man went to his doctor and said " Doctor, I think I'm going senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up".

"That's not senility" replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down".
:rofl::rofl::rofl:

bobgadjet
15th-February-2004, 07:08 PM
Hard of hearing, fairly thick woman goes to doctors for check-up.
"Yes" he says "I'm glad to say you are pregnant, and what's more, you are going to have triplets"
The old dear goes home and says to her husband when he asks how she got on...
"Oh, well, OK. He said I'm going to have piglets"

The husband was aghast, upset, bewildered, and very annoyed to say the least.
He went straight out the door and down to the doctors surgery, burst into the doctors office, unzipped his flies, got his J.T. out on the desk in front of the doctor table and said ...
"what do you think this is, a pork sausage?"
:whistle:

Martin
16th-February-2004, 07:52 AM
Another Penguin / yeti game to try

http://www.iroute.org/ysp2.swf

Bardsey
16th-February-2004, 01:34 PM
Originally posted by Martin
Another Penguin / yeti game to try

http://www.iroute.org/ysp2.swf

Great fun! Took a while for me to get the hang of it, hence the probably pitiful score of 273.8 (I think that's right.........mmm better go have another go to check and see)

Bardsey
16th-February-2004, 01:38 PM
Ok Martin, 445.2 now. What's your score?

Martin
17th-February-2004, 08:14 AM
Originally posted by Bardsey
Ok Martin, 445.2 now. What's your score?

Mine was truely so pityful - nowhere near the bulls-eye, can't remember BUT far less than 445.2:tears:

Got a joke though...

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against
the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on it's face.
The egg, looking a bit ****ed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

Lory
17th-February-2004, 09:31 AM
A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.

He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.

He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Wotsits."

bobgadjet
17th-February-2004, 09:37 AM
Originally posted by Lory
"No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Wotsits."
OH NO, REALLY....LORY........What are you like :) :rofl:

TheTramp
17th-February-2004, 10:13 AM
A Houston construction site boss was interviewing
men for a job, when along came a Norwegian. "I'm not
hiring any Norwegians, the foreman thought to himself, so
he made up a test to avoid hiring the Norwegian without
getting into an argument.

"Here's your first question," the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Norwegian says. "Dat is
easy," and proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"'Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make
nine," says the Norwegian.

"Fair enough," ! says the boss. "Here is your second
question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Norwegian stares into space for a while, then
picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a
smudge on each tree. "'Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth
do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now! So it's dirty tree,
and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to
hire this Norwegian, so he says, "All right, last
question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Norwegian stares into space some more, then he
picks up the picture ! again and makes a little mark at the
base of each tree, and s ays, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if
you think that represents a hundred!" The Norwegian
leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each
tree, and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree.

So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree
and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one
hundred. So when I start?"

Steve

Bardsey
17th-February-2004, 11:22 AM
Originally posted by Martin

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against
the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on it's face.
The egg, looking a bit ****ed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :clap:

Bardsey
17th-February-2004, 02:23 PM
Originally posted by Martin
Mine was truely so pityful - nowhere near the bulls-eye, can't remember BUT far less than 445.2:tears:



623.9 Isn't anyone else playing this Orca game? Its really cool especially with the sound on.........ready......wheeeeeeeee! :rofl:

Stuart
17th-February-2004, 08:31 PM
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like
a young girl for the night.

Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much :D

bobgadjet
17th-February-2004, 09:03 PM
Originally posted by Stuart
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like
a young girl for the night.

Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much :D
:rofl:
:rofl:
:rofl:

bobgadjet
17th-February-2004, 09:17 PM
Three teenage lads went for a night on the town (London)
They ended up in Soho, and one of the "houses"(well, basements actually)
The first one went up to the "madam" and asked what he would get for.......... 50p :na:
She took his money and sent him down the hallway to a darkened room.
The girl inside told him to strip off, and sure enough he had a really solid manhood just at the thought as to what might happen.
Ten minutes later he gets back to his pals and told them what happened...
"Well, she told me to strip off, then she placed some cream round the base of it, then a pineapple ring, more cream, then a cherry on top, then she licked it all off while nibbling the pineapple.... IT WAS WONDERFUL, and all for just 50p"
The second lad couldn't wait to get to the desk and boast that HE had £2.........so he was sent down the hall.
Ten minutes later he returned all glazed eyed and told HIS story....
Well, she stripped me off and got out the cream, round the base, then a pineapple ring, then more cream, another pineapple ring, then a cherry on top. She licked and nibbled.... OOOOH it was wonderful, and all for just £2.
The third lad could hardly wait... went up to the desk and put down his fiver..... so down the hall he went.
Five minutes later he arrived back at the reception crying his eyes out.:tears:
"What happened" they asked.
"Well, she stripped me off, and there I stood stiff as a poker, so she told me to lay down. First came the cream, then the pineapple ring, then some saltanas, then more cream, then more pineapple, then more cream. THEN half a dozen strawberries, and more cream and another pineapple ring.
Finally she put on a little more cream and sprinkled 100's and 1,000's all over, and some butterscotch sauce......
:tears:.......:tears:.......
"AND" they said "why are you crying?"
"Well" he said :tears: "it looked sooo nice..... I ate it myself" :tears:

Mikey
23rd-February-2004, 12:24 PM
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''
:whistle:

Mikey
23rd-February-2004, 12:25 PM
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.

At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no - My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said - "Come on guys, we're almost there!"

Stuart
25th-February-2004, 10:27 AM
A young lad walks into his house carrying a sofa under one arm and an armchair under the other.

His father said to him " What have I told you about accepting suites from strangers?"

Bardsey
25th-February-2004, 03:34 PM
Originally posted by Stuart
A young lad walks into his house carrying a sofa under one arm and an armchair under the other.

His father said to him " What have I told you about accepting suites from strangers?"

:rofl: :clap: :rofl:

Chris
26th-February-2004, 08:21 AM
A man walks into the doctors' reception and asks to be examined by a female GP. The doctor has a look at his errr . . . squidgy bits.

The doctor says to him, "I can find nothing wrong with your pe*is young man".
"I know," he says to her. "It's a beauty isn't it?"

Sheepman
26th-February-2004, 02:15 PM
Of course this philosophical tale wouldn't apply to ANY of our lawyer forum members :blush:
Greg

A lawyer is questioning a doctor in court, he asks:-

"Did you sign the death certificate?"
"Yes I did."

"Did you check to see if he was breathing?"
"No."

"Did you check for a pulse?"
"No."

"Let me get this straight. You signed the death certificate without checking if he had a pulse or he was breathing?"

"That's right."

"How do you justify that?"

"I suppose I can't, after all his brain was in a jar on my desk, but he could have been walking around, practicing law."

Bardsey
27th-February-2004, 03:47 PM
The rude things people (mostly blokes!) say!!!!!

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

KEN Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddy Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wishes he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
THE new stand at Doncaster racecourse took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A US female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night? " Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

Boomer
27th-February-2004, 04:14 PM
Well done Bardster, nothing like a jolly in the aternoon to pep a man up :grin:

The forum version... Not sure if I've actually done it, but I have to check what I write due to my tendency to write 'snog' instead of 'song'. I've come close a few times :blush:

Bardsey
27th-February-2004, 04:29 PM
EXPRESSIONS FOR HIGH STRESS DAYS

1. Well, aren't we just a ray of f***ing sunshine.
2. Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen.
3. Not the brightest crayon in the box, are we now?
4. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a frigging people person?
7. You! Off my planet!!
8. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
9. I wish for world peace, harmony and nakedness.
10. Let me show you how the guards used to do it
11. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
12. Allow me to introduce my selves.
13. Whisper my favourite words: "I'll buy it for you."
14. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
15. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
16. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
17. How many times do I have to flush you before you go away?
18. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
19. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
20. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
21. Mommy, I want to grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you.
22. A woman's favourite position is CEO.
23. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic except my friends deep inside the earth.
24. Earth is full. Go home.
25. Is it time for your medication or mine
26. And which dwarf are you?
27. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Bardsey
27th-February-2004, 04:32 PM
Things you wish you could say at work:

1 Ahhh...I see the f*ck-up fairy has visited us again...
2 I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

Stuart
28th-February-2004, 01:14 PM
How many members of the "Mission Impossible" force does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five:

While one creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, the second uses a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. The third, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for the fourth member to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super high wattage bulb of his own design. Meanwhile, the fifth member of the team has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before the real identity of the third member is discovered, they escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield and return to the USA.

TheTramp
29th-February-2004, 08:40 PM
Not too often do you find a truly clean joke, but here is one that has not one dirty word in it.

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.

Trampy

Bardsey
1st-March-2004, 02:00 PM
Originally posted by TheTramp
Not too often do you find a truly clean joke, but here is one that has not one dirty word in it.

Trampy

Well done, Trampy, for finding that completely clean joke. I like trees!:whistle: :rofl: :rofl: