Agony Smurf

[Dreadful Scathe]

Hello Patients,

Having noticed how laden with woes, troubles, glitches, mental problems, and behavioural difficulties you all are, I thought I would offer my services as a ridicular of the afflicted and ask you all to post any particularly troublesome or JerrySpringerly interesting problems you may have. I'll do my best to solve your problem with the help of optimistic humour.

So post away, Doctor Dreadful Scathe is IN.......


:)

[Andy McGregor]

Doctor Scathe

I keep getting anonymous negative rep from the same person. He doesn't like me but won't say who he is. What should I do?

Confused of Brighton :confused:

[Dreadful Scathe]

Dr Mr McGregor

Not to worry, this is obviously a sign of deep seated psycholgical problems on his part . The "rep" system, sensibly used, allows users to quickly let posters know if a comment they made is good for a thread from the readers point of view. With nothing but negative rep it is being suggested that nothing you say is worthy of any thread - therefore the originator may have trouble understanding the big words you sometimes use and your use of proper grammar may well be throwing them. Try typing in pigeon english to see if that illicits a more positive response, or keep your sentances short and concise and use the vocabulary that a 5 year old would use.
The only problem with this is getting the gist of your point across, but if you ever find out who the person is, writing your comments on the end of the index finger of a large rubber hand, like Kenny Everett used to have, and poking them in the eye with it will perhaps be a more "hands on" way to approach the situation if you are ever at the same dance venue.

yours

Dr. Scathe

[Stuart M]

So post away, Doctor Dreadful Scathe is IN.......

Shouldn't it be Wendy doing this? I always had you marked down as Snoopy... :D

[Pammy]

Dear Aggy

Could you help me with one of my dance dreams. You see I have lots of dance dreams; my favourite being one where I realised I was dancing at hipsters in my winter socks :what: Anyway, I had on last night, as follows....

I was riding a motorbike through a really rough street. I got off the bike and parked it on the pavement and then saw Billco. I went over to talk to him and a whilst talking, a commotion began on the pavement behind me, it was a man coughing up blood. Billco said he wasn't sure if it was blood or mud, but it looked like blood to me. Actually it was more like a lump of steak :tears: anyway, as sods law would have it, the man moved up and was leaning on my bike, bent double, coughing and spluttering. Neither of us fancied retrieving the bike, but my purse and house keys were on it. We decided to go for a walk round the block in the hope that he'd be gone on our return. At this point Billco's daughter rang him and asked if he was going home. I went back to my bike but it turned out the whole thing had been a set-up and the coughing man had actually stolen my credit card. I wasn't sure and nor was Billco whether or not we should have the credit card cancelled or should try and find the coughing cad. Then I woke up.

So Aggy, what does this mean?

Yours, in appreciation.

The Pamster
x

[DavidY]

Dear Dr. Scathe,

I was innocently browing the forum the other day when it was overrun with hordes of spiders. It took me ages to escape the sticky web stuff they left behind.

I'm scared they were rifling through the forum's files to look for all those times The Mavericks get mentioned, so anyone searching for The Mavericks will end up here. :eek:

Please Help!

[Dreadful Scathe]

Shouldn't it be Wendy doing this? I always had you marked down as Snoopy... :D
:) i can only take that as a compliment as snoopy was my hero. If only Chicklet was here shed say " IIIII IIII IIIIIII IIIIII". You're right of course if anyone was to honestly tell you what your problems were and sort em out, Wendy would be prime candidate ;) Hope BFG has award for most apt avatar :)

[DianaS]

Hi Agony Smurf,

I'm so upset I've been crying all day and can't think what to do.
I went out with my friend last night to this place in London and we danced all night and had a lovely time and now their not here any more and its very quiet and no one loves us :tears:

and there's no more bb, and we've spent all our money, and we'll have to go back to work now, and it's not FAIR :tears: :tears:

What shall we do?

My friend can't help, because she's not my friend any more because I took her out and showed her a really good time and now she's depressed too!

Is there life when the music ends, or is life a rainbow with no beginning or and end??
You must help us!!

Desperately sad :sad:
Diana

[Dreadful Scathe]

Could you help me with one of my dance dreams. You see I have lots of dance dreams; my favourite being one where I realised I was dancing at hipsters in my winter socks :what: Anyway, I had on last night, as follows....

I was riding a motorbike through a really rough street. I got off the bike and parked it on the pavement and then saw Billco. I went over to talk to him and a whilst talking, a commotion began on the pavement behind me, it was a man coughing up blood. Billco said he wasn't sure if it was blood or mud, but it looked like blood to me. Actually it was more like a lump of steak :tears: anyway, as sods law would have it, the man moved up and was leaning on my bike, bent double, coughing and spluttering. Neither of us fancied retrieving the bike, but my purse and house keys were on it. We decided to go for a walk round the block in the hope that he'd be gone on our return. At this point Billco's daughter rang him and asked if he was going home. I went back to my bike but it turned out the whole thing had been a set-up and the coughing man had actually stolen my credit card. I wasn't sure and nor was Billco whether or not we should have the credit card cancelled or should try and find the coughing cad. Then I woke up.

So Aggy, what does this mean?


If we were to take the incomprehensible step of assuming BillCo is your father and the strange man coughing up blood is your fear, then we can clearly see that , although you are prepared to stick with family and take their daft advice like most of the muppets i get through here, its not always the best move. Face your fear of society, it IS out to get you but not anymore than anyone else who lives in London. There may well be 7 cads eating 7 sheafs of corn next to the river thames in your dreams but for goodness sake cancel your credit cards. Also, practice yoga to improve your body and the mind will follow (or practice yoda for a more forceful improvement).





Yours, in appreciation.

The Pamster
x


It would be unethical of me to accept your kiss.
Oh go on then.

Dr.Lurve x x

[Dreadful Scathe]

I was innocently browing the forum the other day when it was overrun with hordes of spiders. It took me ages to escape the sticky web stuff they left behind.

I'm scared they were rifling through the forum's files to look for all those times The Mavericks get mentioned, so anyone searching for The Mavericks will end up here. :eek:
!

Not a well known fact, but the forum is the focal point of the Mavericks sinister attack on society, its their entry point into our plane of existense. Its not all gloom though, we have on this very forum a "chosen one" who will bring the fight to them and prevent their evil from spreading. Not entirely sure who it is, but hes likely to have a high number of posts.

regards

Dr. and the Medics

[Dreadful Scathe]

Hi Agony Smurf,

I'm so upset I've been crying all day and can't think what to do.
I went out with my friend last night to this place in London and we danced all night and had a lovely time and now their not here any more and its very quiet and no one loves us :tears:

and there's no more bb, and we've spent all our money, and we'll have to go back to work now, and it's not FAIR :tears: :tears:

What shall we do?

My friend can't help, because she's not my friend any more because I took her out and showed her a really good time and now she's depressed too!

Is there life when the music ends, or is life a rainbow with no beginning or and end??
You must help us!!

Desperately sad :sad:
Diana
HI Diana,

No need to be upset, theres always one more event round the corner and one more wooly partner waiting in the wings. To fill the time between events consider hibernation or some sort of mind altering drug.

Hope this helps.

Dr. Who

[DianaS]

HI Diana,

No need to be upset, theres always one more event round the corner and one more wooly partner waiting in the wings. To fill the time between events consider hibernation or some sort of mind altering drug.

Hope this helps.

Dr. Who
I love you, Dr Who :what:

[Dance Demon]

Dear Agony Smurf
I was walking about in the house in my bare feet, and stubbed my little toe against a heavy coffee table...... :eek: :sick: .........and it's bloody AGONY:tears: :tears: ....what can I do.....

[Emma]

Dear Doctor Dreadful,

I think I may be suffering from post-forumatic stress disorder... I keep thinking that I am communicating with a 7inch blue person who says he can sort out all my problems, a pink bunny who likes dressing in women's clothing, a toaster, a little bird and a tiger bouncing on it's tail. I could go on but I don't want to be locked away....the worst thing is that sometimes they tell me to do things and it makes sense! :tears: what am I going to do?! :sick:

[Minnie M]

Dear Doctor Dreadful,

I think I may be suffering from post-forumatic stress disorder... I keep thinking that I am communicating with a 7inch blue person who says he can sort out all my problems, a pink bunny who likes dressing in women's clothing, a toaster, a little bird and a tiger bouncing on it's tail. I could go on but I don't want to be locked away....the worst thing is that sometimes they tell me to do things and it makes sense! :tears: what am I going to do?! :sick:

You think YOU have problems :eek: I keep swiping my partner with my tail when dancing :whistle: :tears: PLEASE HELP :sad:

[Dreadful Scathe]

Dear Agony Smurf
I was walking about in the house in my bare feet, and stubbed my little toe against a heavy coffee table...... :eek: :sick: .........and it's bloody AGONY:tears: :tears: ....what can I do.....

First see if the toe injury has improved your dancing, if not, encase your coffee table in polystyrene so that it does not happen again., or possibly take some sort of a mind-altering drug to reduce the pain effect.


Dr. Drugs

[Dance Demon]

Hey there your Blueness
got my hands on some well wicked mind altering drugs, and they seem to have done the trick. my toe isn't sore at all now and I've been dancing all day with some groovy pink giraffes, and purple and yellow striped zebras in this way out new venue called Smurfy's Shower.......and like, all the coffee tables are made of blancmange, or strawberry jelly man, so you can kick them to your hearts content... it's just the best place ever.....oops gotta go now, a naked Halle Berry wearing edible bodypaint has just asked me for a dance.......would be rude to refuse.... :D :drool: :flower: :yum: :whistle: :D :D

[Dreadful Scathe]

I think I may be suffering from post-forumatic stress disorder... I keep thinking that I am communicating with a 7inch blue person who says he can sort out all my problems, a pink bunny who likes dressing in women's clothing, a toaster, a little bird and a tiger bouncing on it's tail. I could go on but I don't want to be locked away....the worst thing is that sometimes they tell me to do things and it makes sense! :tears: what am I going to do?! :sick:

Well Alice, this is all perfectly normal and you will at some point have to accept reality. Heres a bottle handily marked 'Drink Me' it will gave you a proper sense of perspective. Theres little point in worrying over spilt milk*.

Yours Dr.Lewis



* unless there is a 40 ton kitten on the loose....

[Andy McGregor]

My 12 year-old daughter, Anna, is a big Busted fan. A few days ago she went onto ebay using my account and bid for a keyring bearing a picture of James, a band member.

The problem is that she placed a maximum bid of £99.00 !!!

For a man of 46 there can only be one thing worse than owning a James from Busted keyring and that has to be knowing you paid £99 for it :tears:

Busted fans can view my purchase here (http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=2260791793)

Luckily it only cost me £3.70 :phew:

[Minnie M]

......../snip/........* unless there is a 40 ton kitten on the loose....

Now you are scaring me :eek:

Minnie Mouse :flower:

[DianaS]

My 12 year-old daughter, Anna, is a big Busted fan. A few days ago she went onto ebay using my account and bid for a keyring bearing a picture of James, a band member.

The problem is that she placed a maximum bid of £99.00 !!!

For a man of 46 there can only be one thing worse than owning a James from Busted keyring and that has to be knowing you paid £99 for it :tears:

Busted fans can view my purchase here (http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=2260791793)

Luckily it only cost me £3.70 :phew:
Scary, Andy. Jason went onto the pc when I was logged on and sent some emails to my friends. He thought it was really funny. This might be him now, he can spell better than me
D

[Emma]

Well Alice:what: ...I'm called Alice? I can see this delusion has been going on for even longer than I thought! *drinks*

[Nick M]

My 12 year-old daughter, Anna, is a big Busted fan

She's a big-busted fan? At the age of 12? Must be an early developer

[Dance Demon]

She's a big-busted fan? At the age of 12? Must be an early developer

takes after her dad.. :wink: :whistle:

[Andy McGregor]

takes after her dad.. :wink: :whistle:

The difference is that I keep my big bust in my dressing up box :devil:

Note to self - check punctuation on original post :whistle:

[Bardsey]

I think I may be suffering from post-forumatic stress disorder... I keep thinking that I am communicating with a 7inch blue person who says he can sort out all my problems, a pink bunny who likes dressing in women's clothing, a toaster, a little bird and a tiger bouncing on it's tail.

I know what you mean, there are some strange looking people on here! :whistle:


You think YOU have problems :eek: I keep swiping my partner with my tail when dancing :whistle: :tears: PLEASE HELP :sad:

I know what you mean! I keep clouting folk round the ear-hole with my wings, mind you, works a treat sometimes when someone offends me. I stamp my foot, do a quick turn-about and WHACK! right old clip round the chops with the sharp edge of my wings :rofl:

[Rhythm King]

I know what you mean, there are some strange looking people on here! :whistle:



I know what you mean! I keep clouting folk round the ear-hole with my wings, mind you, works a treat sometimes when someone offends me. I stamp my foot, do a quick turn-about and WHACK! right old clip round the chops with the sharp edge of my wings :rofl:

The advantage of the common-or-garden Superhero outfit is that wearing underpants on the outside of the trousers allows one to tuck in one's cape, to prevent just this sort of thing happening accidentally. If people do get out of hand then it's "POW" "ZAP" and "SOCK" with the Batarang.

[Dreadful Scathe]

If people do get out of hand then it's "POW" "ZAP" and "SOCK" with the Batarang.

That was a batarang in your pocket at beach boogie? I thought you were just pleased to see me.


I hope you all realise that talking amongst yourselves in HERE will cost you 40 quid an hour each, us phony psychiatrists have gotta eat y'know, there'll be no free group psychoanalysis sessions on MY thread thankyou very much.

Im thinking of writing a book* entitled The mind of Andy McGregor its got bestseller written all over it :)

* all proceeds go towards blue latex paint

[DianaS]

That was a batarang in your pocket at beach boogie? I thought you were just pleased to see me.


I hope you all realise that talking amongst yourselves in HERE will cost you 40 quid an hour each, us phony psychiatrists have gotta eat y'know, there'll be no free group psychoanalysis sessions on MY thread thankyou very much.

Im thinking of writing a book* entitled The mind of Andy McGregor its got bestseller written all over it :)

* all proceeds go towards blue latex paint
Okay sounds like it may have some commercial value
Think it should be a trilogy though:
Book 2 Dance gods and goddesses revealed (definately a Jungian approach)
Book 3 Myths and legends in movement and form

we could publish pay for view chapter by chapter on the forum with diagrams and piccies

Bags me do vol 2!..
...any offers for vol 3?
D

[Sparkles]

Dear Dr Smurf

I have to think of a costume for the avatar competition at the BFG and was going to wear something rather sparkly, but people keep telling me I have to dress up as a giant diamond.
This is now giving me nightmares!
What should I do?

Sparkles. x

[Tiggerbabe]

How about silver latex body paint and then a glitter shower before it dries :wink:
Just a thought :whistle:

p.s. You should see what I've done to my silver shoes :waycool: I think you'll like them :D

[Rhythm King]

How about silver latex body paint and then a glitter shower before it dries :wink:
Just a thought :whistle:

:drool:




p.s. You should see what I've done to my silver shoes :waycool: I think you'll like them :D
Black and orange stripes, with springs on the bottom perhaps? - Also just a thought :whistle:

[Tiggerbabe]

Black..............stripes, with springs on the bottom perhaps?
:rofl: no silly, that was what I did to the orange ones :wink:

[Rhythm King]

:rofl: no silly, that was what I did to the orange ones :wink:

D'oh! :blush:
Am coming up to Edinburgh on 27th Aug for Lindsay's BoogieNights event with the Jive Aces. Hope to see some of the peeps (and smurfs) who were at Beach Boogie and meet some more Forumites.
I'll be looking for some spectacular shoes from you!!

R-K

[Sal]

Sorry, Dr Smurf, for hijacking your thread, but......

I am going to be in Edinburgh over the weekend of the 27th-29th. I quite fancy the Jive Aces extravaganza (sp?)
Who else is going?

[Sparkles]

How about silver latex body paint and then a glitter shower before it dries :wink:
Just a thought :whistle:


Maybe you could advise me on where I can get these items from...?
Not that i would ever do such a thing you understand :whistle: :wink:

[Sheepman]

Senor Smurf,
I have just started getting visions of irresistible women covered only in glitter and latex paint. It really is too much for a mere mortal to bear, what should I do?
And where can I get supplies of edible latex paint? :wink: :blush:

Sheepy

[ElaineB]

Senor Smurf,

And where can I get supplies of edible latex paint? :wink: :blush:

Sheepy

Edible chocolate is far nicer! :whistle:


Elaine

[Dreadful Scathe]

Senor Smurf,
I have just started getting visions of irresistible women covered only in glitter and latex paint. It really is too much for a mere mortal to bear, what should I do?
And where can I get supplies of edible latex paint? :wink: :blush:


Such wooly thoughts need to be purged, and the easiest way to stop thinking about women in glitter and latex paint.....is to think of the Tramp wearing only glitter and latex paint - this should cause your brain to shut down at any further inadvertant thoughts because of the association. DO NOT go to any future glitter and latex party nights though, as a roomful of Tramps wearing glitter and latex could send you into a coma.

regards

Dr. Ben Dover

[Andy McGregor]

Such wooly thoughts need to be purged, and the easiest way to stop thinking about women in glitter and latex paint.....is to think of the Tramp wearing only glitter and latex paint - this should cause your brain to shut down at any further inadvertant thoughts because of the association. DO NOT go to any future glitter and latex party nights though, as a roomful of Tramps wearing glitter and latex could send you into a coma.

regards

Dr. Ben Dover

I was going to offer this as a solution - I was just selling my shares in latex paint companies before going public :innocent:

[DianaS]

Dear Agony Smurf,
I have sent you payment in good faith for positive rep and being suitably theraped and have had no receipt for said services.
Being serviced by a Smurf is tax deducable, and I get extra brownie points (groan) for being an equal opportunities employer.
Can you please send me a reciept as I am being hounded as we speak by men in grey suits, and goddesses do not put up with these intentions gladly.
Diana
PS the drugs are suiting. I feel a bit normal today.

[Sheepman]

think of the Tramp wearing only glitter and latex paint . . . DO NOT go to any future glitter and latex party nights though, as a roomful of Tramps wearing glitter and latex could send you into a coma.
Thanks :confused: :sad: That seems to have done the trick!
If I get any party invites though, I might still be willing to risk the coma :wink:

Sheepy

[Dance Demon]

Dear Agony Smurf
I've been doing a lot of DJing recently, and I've developed a really sore finger from all the button pushing. I've also had to listen to lots of things on the radio, so that i know what to play. i am now feeling a bit nausious.....Is there any way round all this continuous button pushing, perhaps a breakthrough in technology....HELP!!!! :whistle:

[baldrick]

Dear Agony Smurf,
Having recently had some postings replied to, I now find my quiet corner invaded. I'm loosing biscuits and bread is going missing at an alarming rate. Plus I think my cover is blown and my ability to hide at the back on dance nights is lost forever. How will I cope,

Your in shyness
Baldrick

[Rhythm King]

Anyone seen the chocolate digestives? Sure someone left some lying around and I need something with my coffee this morning...

[Andy McGregor]

Anyone seen the chocolate digestives? Sure someone left some lying around and I need something with my coffee this morning...

Here, have one of the packets I found in baldrick's kitchen :devil:

[Rhythm King]

Here, have one of the packets I found in baldrick's kitchen :devil:

Cheers mate.

I don't care what the others say about your shoes not matching your dress the other night, you're okay by me :wink:

Fancy a sandwich? Balders has left some bread out too and it's nearly lunchtime..

[Dreadful Scathe]

I've been doing a lot of DJing recently, and I've developed a really sore finger from all the button pushing. I've also had to listen to lots of things on the radio, so that i know what to play. i am now feeling a bit nausious.....Is there any way round all this continuous button pushing, perhaps a breakthrough in technology....HELP!!!! :whistle:

Its your lucky day, for you and ALL DJS everywhere. I am venturing into the world of consumer goods with my new patented 'Voice Activated DJ deck'...saves on that old index finger. It will pick and swap CDs for you, adjust the volume and even suggest lame tracks. There are a few problems to iron out in this first version - namely a tendancy to assume you said 'Vem Vet' if you don't have a West Yorkshire accent, a refusal to eject any "NOW" CD's until it has played at least 3 songs, and it will occasionaly play several tracks in a row and not let you select anything else ...but hey ....that just gives you more time to dance yourself - its a free feature really not a bug.

I'd advise you to stop listening to the radio - Dj's with ideas are dangerous, the music listening public always knows best and even if trumped up cd monkeys think they know what makes a good track doesn't necessarily make it true. At least with my new device the complication of pressing EJECT and PLAY is now done away with altogether, and you can get back to the difficult job of smiling inanely behind the decks...no offence :)

[Dreadful Scathe]

Dear Agony Smurf,
Having recently had some postings replied to, I now find my quiet corner invaded. I'm loosing biscuits and bread is going missing at an alarming rate. Plus I think my cover is blown and my ability to hide at the back on dance nights is lost forever. How will I cope,


There are several ways to cope at a modern jive night, now that hiding is no longer going to work, but its best to come out of the closet..so to speak...act more camp, dress up in womans clothing as often as possible, (especially if you enter any competitions) and post a LOT more messages complaining about things. Its constructive, interesting and it gets you noticed. You'll soon have your own line in humourous greetings cards and a legion of fans.



Stop short of changing your name to Andy!!! as the concept of more than one person having the same name confuses DJ's and they may put "Wade in the Water" on permanent loop

[Stuart M]

Dear Agony Smurf,

I've just been offered a painting by two blokes with dodgy accents in the local pub. I turned it down, and they sold it to a sad lonely student who was sitting at the bar.

Funny thing was, when I left the pub I noticed it already had a copy hanging outside. To whom should I have reported all this?

:eek:

[Dreadful Scathe]

Dear Agony Smurf,

I've just been offered a painting by two blokes with dodgy accents in the local pub. I turned it down, and they sold it to a sad lonely student who was sitting at the bar.

Funny thing was, when I left the pub I noticed it already had a copy hanging outside. To whom should I have reported all this?

:eek:
Clearly the Daily Mail should have been the first port of call - thered be a hefty payment for a "suitable to get outraged about" story involving a stolen painting, layabout students and the Ark :)

[Andy McGregor]

Fancy a sandwich? Balders has left some bread out too and it's nearly lunchtime..

Sorry, missed lunch: .. & money never sleeps :wink:

[baldrick]

There are several ways to cope at a modern jive night, now that hiding is no longer going to work, but its best to come out of the closet..so to speak...act more camp, dress up in womans clothing as often as possible, (especially if you enter any competitions) and post a LOT more messages complaining about things. Its constructive, interesting and it gets you noticed. You'll soon have your own line in humourous greetings cards and a legion of fans.



Stop short of changing your name to Andy!!! as the concept of more than one person having the same name confuses DJ's and they may put "Wade in the Water" on permanent loop

Call this advice, meaningless drivel. Any nine year old could come up with this. What qualifications do you have to be messing with peoples lives. Do you not realise what you could do to the confidance and self image of some poor soul who followed the path you layout before me. We're not all built with the damage resistance of Mr McGregor (Sorry Andy).
What professional bodies do you belong to, I demand satisfaction. Wheres an ombadsman (?)( man my spelling needs help moore than the rest of me) when I need one.

Forget it I'm goning to the top, I'll write to Terry Wogan you see if I don't.

[Dreadful Scathe]

Call this advice, meaningless drivel. Any nine year old could come up with this. What qualifications do you have to be messing with peoples lives. Do you not realise what you could do to the confidance and self image of some poor soul who followed the path you layout before me. We're not all built with the damage resistance of Mr McGregor (Sorry Andy).
What professional bodies do you belong to, I demand satisfaction. Wheres an ombadsman (?)( man my spelling needs help moore than the rest of me) when I need one.

Forget it I'm goning to the top, I'll write to Terry Wogan you see if I don't.

You're not "goning" anywhere with that attitude, you clearly have some serious issues....just lay yourself down on this couch and breath slowly. You see, often advice from a genius is quite overwhelming to the layman. Us experts don't expect you to understand every nuance behind our statements and every 2 syllable word we throw your way. Just trust us, we have your best interests at heart and you can be assured that we would never give advice that would give us a laugh and provide video opporunities we can watch with friends on a Saturday night with a few beers - never - that would be unprofessional. We have your best interests at heart the whole time.
We have your best interests at heart...best interests...best interests.....


As for proof of my abilities, heres a quote from my good friend and client Terry Wogan.

http://www.planetscathe.com/tw99.jpg

I have been a client of Dr. Dreadful Scathe Phd MCSI ArSe since the mid eighties when i had such success with my evening talk shows. He has helped me remain happy throughout all Eurovisions and my life would not be what it is without his help and expert guidance. I am also most grateful for his help in losing the broad Birmingham accent I have had since a child.

regards

Terry Wogan

[baldrick]

We have your best interests at heart...best interests...best interests.....
[/i]


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :clap: :clap:
:cheers:
:rofl:
Must work, don't laugh out loud. Mustn't give the game away

[Rhythm King]

Never mind Balders. Here, have a chocolate digestive...

[Dreadful Scathe]

Never mind Balders. Here, have a chocolate digestive...
I had to cure Terry of his biscuit obsession. Hob Nobs it was. Ill be starting my biscuit addiction classes at the BFG :)

[Pammy]

I had to cure Terry of his biscuit obsession. Hob Nobs it was. Ill be starting my biscuit addiction classes at the BFG :)

Can you offer any therapy classes for mince pies?

[Emma]

I've never met a mince pie in need of therapy..... :whistle:

If I did I'd eat it and put it out of it's misery :D

[Bardsey]

I've never met a mince pie in need of therapy..... :whistle:

If I did I'd eat it and put it out of it's misery :D

I think Pammy is having trouble with her keyboard today, she must mean mini spies :confused:

[Sparkles]

Dear Agony Smurf,
I have finally made a decision as to what my avatar outfit will be for the BFG - but now that I've made progress I'm finding it difficult to keep it a secret... :what: it's eating me up inside! Can you offer any help on the best ways to keep secrets?
Yours hopefully
Sparkles. x

[baldrick]

dear agony Smurf
I had one of those horrible "real" dreams where the roof had leaked and I found out when trying to get dressed and all my clothes were sodden. Very strange wonder what it means. Can you help me with what this tells of my future? :sick:

[Gojive]

Dear Agony Smurf,

While reading the posts this morning, I keep getting this feeling of deja vue! ;)

[baldrick]

Dear Agony Smurf,

While reading the posts this morning, I keep getting this feeling of deja vue! ;)
Don't worry mate, we've seen it all before.

[MartinHarper]

it's eating me up inside

You were meant to wear it, not swallow it...

[Dreadful Scathe]

I have finally made a decision as to what my avatar outfit will be for the BFG - but now that I've made progress I'm finding it difficult to keep it a secret... :what: it's eating me up inside! Can you offer any help on the best ways to keep secrets?
Yours hopefully
Sparkles. x

Hello Mistress Sparkles,

Best way to keep a secret is to lock yourself in a cupboard until January 2007 at the earliest. Or possibly commit a crime that will get you locked up for the same amount of time.

Glad I could help.

yours in anticipation of getting rid of the competition,

Dr. Smurf Costume

[Dreadful Scathe]

dear agony Smurf
I had one of those horrible "real" dreams where the roof had leaked and I found out when trying to get dressed and all my clothes were sodden. Very strange wonder what it means. Can you help me with what this tells of my future? :sick:

It means you need to fix your roof. Stop bothering me, I dont do 'manual' labour :)

yours with free voucher for 'buy 10 slates, get one free',

Dr. "Real" Scathe

[Dreadful Scathe]

Dear Agony Smurf,

While reading the posts this morning, I keep getting this feeling of deja vue! ;)


Indeed. I'm fed up of replying to this you know! Take this piece of text to a tattooist forthwith and get him to reverse it on your forehead so you see it every morning.

" Its NOT Deja-Vu I am just permanently bewildered! "


yours in anticipation of repeat cheques for psychoanalysis,

Dr. "In the Money" Scathe

[CJ]

I think Pammy is having trouble with her keyboard today, she must mean mini spies :confused:

With her being a dancer, I thought it was her mint supplies... :confused:

[Pammy]

With her being a dancer, I thought it was her mint supplies... :confused:

Hey boy, you know you're heading for trouble. Only ten days til a ticking off :D

I'd also like to know who kissed about the "J", or should that be on the Andy McGregor thread :innocent:

[CJ]

Hey boy, you know you're heading for trouble. Only ten days til a ticking off :D

Cool.....


I'd also like to know who kissed about the "J", or should that be on the Andy McGregor thread :innocent:

Good point... is it just me or has the "kiss" moved?!? Gawd, I'm doubting myself....

It's only my avatar and I've NO IDEA how to control it.....

[Pammy]

has the "kiss" moved?!?

Got blown off course! :grin:


I've NO IDEA how to control it.....

It's all coming out now.... :rofl:

[Dreadful Scathe]

Dear Pammy and CJ,

Do you normally wander into a psychiatrists office, talk nonsense and leave without paying ? Well? oh..You do ? Carry on then.

yours

Dr. Kool and the Gang

[baldrick]

Dear Pammy and CJ,

Do you normally wander into a psychiatrists office, talk nonsense and leave without paying ? Well? oh..You do ? Carry on then.

yours

Dr. Kool and the Gang
Charge them a callout fee for goodness sake :rolleyes:

[Pammy]

Charge them a callout fee for goodness sake :rolleyes:

We don't want him coming to our houses - nobody should have to pay for that :wink:

As for nonsence, isn't that what we're here for - the thread for troubled minds...

[Gus]

Dear Agony,

A 'friend' on mine recently joined the local health club after seeing what it had to offer on the "Call on Me" video. Unfortunately, the club was nothing like the video, not a single high thigh cut, pouting, semi-orgasmic leggy blonde to be seen. The only thing I (sorry) ... the only thing MY 'FRIEND' managed to pull was his hamstring.

Please can you help?

[Dreadful Scathe]

Dear Agony,

A 'friend' on mine recently joined the local health club after seeing what it had to offer on the "Call on Me" video. Unfortunately, the club was nothing like the video, not a single high thigh cut, pouting, semi-orgasmic leggy blonde to be seen. The only thing I (sorry) ... the only thing MY 'FRIEND' managed to pull was his hamstring.

Please can you help?
Dear Troubled-in-Nantwich,

Sorry for the delay but I was on a sabbatical in 'Busty Bridgets Lap Dancing Bar'.

To your problem : You have fallen for the old false advertising chestnut, a common problem among slow people...but it didnt take you long to realise that modern gyms are full of unfit people who want to talk about soap operas and film stars for 80% of the time. 'Mouth work out' gyms I belive they are called. If your purpose was to pick up hot chicks, then you may want to try going to 'Ceroc Classes' - Ceroc is a popular countrywide singles club with plenty hot babes. Occasionaly you may be asked to dance, but bluff it - I have for years and it worked fine for me ;).

yours

Dr. Nick Riviera

[DianaS]

Dear Troubled-in-Nantwich,

Sorry for the delay but I was on a sabbatical in 'Busty Bridgets Lap Dancing Bar'.
Occasionaly you may be asked to dance, but bluff it - I have for years and it worked fine for me ;).

yours

Dr. Nick Riviera
I danced with a guy last night who waggled his arms looked at me every now and then and said every so often:
"I feel a move coming on"
Was that you??? <swwooon>
I was the busty blond with the neat leather outfit
Lets exchange piccces ca you look differnt in real life
Here's mine
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=2387&item=5522369160&rd=1
I'm SO Famous!

[under par]

dear Scatheful Dread,
I a problem terrible recently had.

Incident after the shock many caused difficulty extreme.

know don't what do to I.

Me please soonest help.

Parunder! :eek:

[Dreadful Scathe]

dear under par,

You're clearly a few clubs short of a full bag. It was inevitable that you would hit your head on the way out of the Smurf Pub the other night, and unfortunately the damamge is probably permanent...er..sorry damage the permanent is

A solution : Simply employ a 10 year old child to follow you around and act as your interpretor, so that us normal people can understand what you're on about :).

When writing my cheque, note all the zeros go toward the right hand side of the amount!!

yours

Dr Tiger Woods

[Minnie M]

Dear Agony Smurf

I have been crying all weekend - I put on my favourite red kilt and have been posing beautifully for a week now, dropped THREE hints on various posts, but no-one has noticed. What does a mouse have to do to get noticed :tears:

(my partner Micky, says I'm paranoid, but he is not a dancer, so I don't believe a word he says)

Minnie the Trendy Mouse :hug:

[under par]

Dear Agony Smurf

I have been crying all weekend - I put on my favourite red kilt and have been posing beautifully for a week now, dropped THREE hints on various posts, but no-one has noticed. What does a mouse have to do to get noticed :tears:

(my partner Micky, says I'm paranoid, but he is not a dancer, so I don't believe a word he says)

Minnie the Trendy Mouse :hug:

Minnie that is a lovely outfit you're wearing.

"God, you look fantastic in the kilt!!" "wolf whistle....." :kiss:

[Gojive]

Minnie that is a lovely outfit you're wearing.

"God, you look fantastic in the kilt!!" "wolf whistle....." :kiss:

At which point, Minnie turns and stares at U.P., with a face as red as Dance Demon's, and says "you stupid sod, I haven't put it on yet!!!"

:na:

[Minnie M]

Dear Agony Smurf

Since crying to you about not being noticed in my new kilt, I have had numerous compliments :D - I am so happy :clap: - us girls (even female mice) need to be complimented every now and again. :flower:

I am going to "borrow" Micky's cheque book/credit card today and go shopping today to celebrate (can't have enough clothes)

So even though you personally didn't answer me :sad: it proves a problem shared is no longer a problem (or something like that)

Minnie Mouse

PS: What flavour cheese would you like payment in

PPS: Say hello to Smurfett from me, the lady has style :yeah:

[Gojive]

PS: What flavour cheese would you like payment in


I'd hazard a guess at Danish Blue Minnie :wink:

[baldrick]

Dear Agony Smurf
I'm now in so deep with Ceroc that I need to buy dancing shoes but being a man cannot decide,
Trainers or shoes
Black or colourful
Blue or red

Help me Dr Smurf
Yours in indecision
B :confused:

[Dreadful Scathe]

Dear Agony Smurf
I'm now in so deep with Ceroc that I need to buy dancing shoes but being a man cannot decide,
Trainers or shoes
Black or colourful
Blue or red

Help me Dr Smurf
Yours in indecision
B :confused:

Hello Mr.Baldrick,

As a man the solution should be simple...get a woman to buy your shoes for you. You simply need to supply your shoe size and give her money. WARNING Give her cash only AFTER she supplies the shoes - under NO CIRCUMSTANCES give her a credit card and use the words 'buy shoes'.

Yours spinningly

Dr. 'I've got 2 Britroc towels and am proud of it' Smurf

[Andy McGregor]

Dr. 'I've got 2 Britroc towels and am proud of it' Smurf

Dear Agony Smurf

I used my Britroc towel for the first time on Saturday. I used it to rub a nasty mark off Nina Daine's car. Do you think she'll guess I'm just after perferential judging at Blackpool? :whistle:

Mr I'll do anything for a quick towel whipping :eek:

[drathzel]

Dear, agony smurf.

I have an unusual obession with the usage of pens and notebook * see link below

I have been told to ccome to you for help and mind altering drugs, can you help me

http://www.cerocscotland.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4358

obessive in Scotland

[Dreadful Scathe]

Dear, agony smurf.

I have an unusual obession with the usage of pens and notebook * see link below

I have been told to ccome to you for help and mind altering drugs, can you help me

http://www.cerocscotland.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4358

obessive in Scotland
Dear Obsessive,

Wandering off after links to your confessionals is not common practice, Im a doctor not an explorer. However, Ill make exceptions to one so clearly deranged. Normally Im right into the indiscriminate prescription of various mind altering drugs, but as you've probably tried them all I have another solution.
Obsessive pen behaviour is solved by thinking of the pens as people. Would you want to be so selfish that you spend all your time with one pen? ONE PEN ? Pens are there to be used for writing, but without YOU to help them they have NO PURPOSE and that would make you a horrible person. So, pick up a new pen at every opportunity, take other peoples, give your own pens away, let the pens see the world. They'll love you for it :).

yours typing and not using a pen

Dr. Nib

[drathzel]

Dear Obsessive,

Wandering off after links to your confessionals is not common practice, Im a doctor not an explorer. However, Ill make exceptions to one so clearly deranged. Normally Im right into the indiscriminate prescription of various mind altering drugs, but as you've probably tried them all I have another solution.
Obsessive pen behaviour is solved by thinking of the pens as people. Would you want to be so selfish that you spend all your time with one pen? ONE PEN ? Pens are there to be used for writing, but without YOU to help them they have NO PURPOSE and that would make you a horrible person. So, pick up a new pen at every opportunity, take other peoples, give your own pens away, let the pens see the world. They'll love you for it :).

yours typing and not using a pen

Dr. Nib

Thank you dr smurf!!

I'll report back with progress!!!

Dx

[Graham]

Obsessive pen behaviour is solved by thinking of the pens as people. Would you want to be so selfish that you spend all your time with one pen? ONE PEN ? Pens are there to be used for writing, but without YOU to help them they have NO PURPOSE and that would make you a horrible person. So, pick up a new pen at every opportunity, take other peoples, give your own pens away, let the pens see the world. They'll love you for it :).
Dear Dr. Nib,

I am shocked by your latest advice! What about all the pens who are used once then casually discarded by promiscuous writers? Don't they deserve to be called back? And what about the health implications? You don't even mention safe writing! I urge you to reconsider.

Yours,
N Kwell
Secretary, Centre for Relationship Advice (Pens)

[Dreadful Scathe]

Dear Dr. Nib,

I am shocked by your latest advice! What about all the pens who are used once then casually discarded by promiscuous writers? Don't they deserve to be called back? And what about the health implications? You don't even mention safe writing! I urge you to reconsider.

Yours,
N Kwell
Secretary, Centre for Relationship Advice (Pens)

Dear Miss Kwell,

My advice was for the patient to become less attached to her pen. Pens themselves are already promiscous, as you well know, and love to get out and about. If everyone lives by this 'rule of the pen' then pens will always have new owners. Hygiene is of course an issue, easily solved by every pen user wearing a full chemical warfare suit or getting a full time secretary to dicate too...hang on, are you trying to widen your job opportunites ?

Also, a bit of free advice for you, this is an Agony column after all. Stop Shagging Pens! We all know what you are up to you freaky pen lover.

regards

Dr. "Theres plenty lead in MY pencil" Reeves

[drathzel]

Dear Miss Kwell,

My
Also, a bit of free advice for you, this is an Agony column after all. Stop Shagging Pens! We all know what you are up to you freaky pen lover.

regards

Dr. "Theres plenty lead in MY pencil" Reeves

Thought that was me!! Not that i shag my pens!!!! :blush: :whistle:

[Graham]

Also, a bit of free advice for you, this is an Agony column after all. Stop Shagging Pens! We all know what you are up to you freaky pen lover.
Dear Dr. Nib, or is it Dr. Reeves,

This is exactly the kind of mindless prejudice pens have to put up with on a daily basis. :mad: I had hoped for a more informed response from someone passing themselves off as a doctor. :really:

N Kwell (Ms)

[Dreadful Scathe]

Dear Dr. Nib, or is it Dr. Reeves,

This is exactly the kind of mindless prejudice pens have to put up with on a daily basis. :mad: I had hoped for a more informed response from someone passing themselves off as a doctor. :really:

N Kwell (Ms)
Dear Mzzzz Kwell,

I am known for my love of pens and find your lack of faith in my extraordinary abilities disturbing. I banish you to Paris, where your pens will be foreign.

yours Dr. I P Freely BSc ArSe PPP TCP.ip Nob

[Dreadful Scathe]

Dear Readers,

Apologies for the lack of Agony recently I was inflicting it on my partner Melanie at a dance competition. Still, Im back to handle requests for abu..er..advice. Any requests accepted, I can tell someones medical condition just be reading a few words. Sometimes its the WAY you type words that speaks volumes about your mental state.

*just out* my 5th book in the 'Gadget: A state of mind' series. *just out*

This week only: Directions to anywhere in the UK. Give me a destination and I'll tell you where to go.

Nurse. bring my slippers.

[DianaS]

Dear Readers,

Apologies for the lack of Agony recently I was inflicting it on my partner Melanie at a dance competition. Still, Im back to handle requests for abu..er..advice. Any requests accepted, I can tell someones medical condition just be reading a few words. Sometimes its the WAY you type words that speaks volumes about your mental state.

*just out* my 5th book in the 'Gadget: A state of mind' series. *just out*

This week only: Directions to anywhere in the UK. Give me a destination and I'll tell you where to go.

Nurse. bring my slippers.

Hello Dear Smurf,
I want to go to heaven
Can you tell me how I can best go about it?
Yours expectently :devil: ,
Diana

[Dreadful Scathe]

Hello Dear Smurf,
I want to go to heaven
Can you tell me how I can best go about it?
Yours expectently :devil: ,
Diana
Dear Diana

First decide what heaven means to you. To many, heaven is a piece of chocolate cake. To some it would be sharing said cake with Brad Pitt. To others it would be eating said cake off a naked Brad Pitt. Everyone has a different concept of heaven or a heavenly experience. (some with more Brads and less chocolate or vice versa)

Of course it is often the case that in our desire to experience our own selfish view of heaven we forget how this affects others. Perhaps the question should be 'How can I help others experience heaven?' so in working toward that goal I suggest that in our next one on one session in my consulting rooms you spring naked from inside a chocolate cake.

yours with sprinkles

Dr. Zeus

[Lory]

my 5th book in the 'Gadget:
Where IS Gadget?

[ElaineB]

Where IS Gadget?

Why, covered in chocolate with Brad Pitt of course! :whistle: :D

Elaine

[Whitebeard]

Why, covered in chocolate with Brad Pitt of course! :whistle: :D

Elaine
Never took Gadget to be that sort of feller,

More, a special way with words, story teller.

[Feelingpink]

Where IS Gadget?Yes, he hasn't logged in for more than a month and his last post was in July. Come back Gadget? :flower: DS - what can we do to bring him back?

[Dreadful Scathe]

Yes, he hasn't logged in for more than a month and his last post was in July. Come back Gadget? :flower: DS - what can we do to bring him back?
A gadget missing
oh woe is us
will the radge gadge man return

our brains are shrinking with less words
cos the gadget man be gone

oh come back Gadgey come back do
what ever did we do to you

[Dance Demon]

Dear Agony Smurf
I've been watching the Dancing on Ice programme on ITV for the last couple of weeks, and i've developed an embarrassing condition. I have tried keeping it under wraps, but I now feel that it's best to get it out in the open.............I find Bonnie Langford strangely attractive:eek: .........Yes I know she played Violet Elizabeth in Just William, and she was extremely irritating then, but she has really blossomed into a very attractive mature woman. I am on the verge of having a T shirt made with a picture of her in that lovely figure hugging peach catsuit she wore on saturdays show.......Go Bonnie Go...................HELP!!!!

[Andy McGregor]

but she has really blossomed into a very attractive mature woman. I am on the verge of having a T shirt made with a picture of her in that lovely figure hugging peach catsuit she wore on saturdays show.......Go Bonnie Go...................HELP!!!!I too have a confession. I am Bonnie Langford.

The first Bonnie Langford was assassinated for being the most annoying person on television when she played Violet Elizabeth. As a female impersonator I have many roles and Bonnie is just one of them (as everyone on the Forum knows, I'm also Lily Barker - the real Lily walked out on David Years ago because she wanted a dance partner who moved his feet :wink: ). I must admit that playing more than one role has caused a few timing problems. It's been really difficult juggling playing the part of Bonnie in dancing on Ice and playing Pete* in the Big Brother House - some people will have noticed that two different female impersonators played Pete, one blonde and one redhead - luckily, most Big Brother viewers aren't smart enough to notice :innocent:

*and I'm a bit worried about another assassination attempt
:devil: :whistle:

[Dreadful Scathe]

Dear Agony Smurf
I've been watching the Dancing on Ice programme on ITV for the last couple of weeks, and i've developed an embarrassing condition. I have tried keeping it under wraps, but I now feel that it's best to get it out in the open.............I find Bonnie Langford strangely attractive:eek: .........Yes I know she played Violet Elizabeth in Just William, and she was extremely irritating then, but she has really blossomed into a very attractive mature woman. I am on the verge of having a T shirt made with a picture of her in that lovely figure hugging peach catsuit she wore on saturdays show.......Go Bonnie Go...................HELP!!!!
Dear Demon,

As far as reality tv shows go its for more healthy to incline your demon horns in the direction of a lithe dancer, her curious acting career being a distant memory. Far worse if you fell for reality dance judge Arlene or blonde housemate Pete Burns.

In fact, just think for a moment - "George Galloway in a leotard" - you'll soon realise you are a full blooded red horned heterosexual demon ;)

Go, Bonnie, Go.

yours Dr. Isin

[Dreadful Scathe]

Dear Deluded,


I too have a confession. I am Bonnie Langford.


This is clearly false. The real Bonnie is alive and well and wearing peach catsuits (or sprayed on latex in Danced Demons dreams :)). Peach doesnt go with your eyes and you're taller.



As a female impersonator I have many roles and Bonnie is just one of them (as everyone on the Forum knows, I'm also Lily Barker - the real Lily walked out on David Years ago because she wanted a dance partner who moved his feet :wink: ).

He responds well to "last orders" and Lily has taken to using beer shampoo on her luxuriant locks to get that bit extra out of David. I'm starting to think you're making all this up to get more business as a female impersonator. Yet again, you're too tall for Lily. Then theres Lilys disarming smile, yours is more the arming kind.


playing Pete* in the Big Brother House - some people will have noticed that two different female impersonators played Pete, one blonde and one redhead - luckily, most Big Brother viewers aren't smart enough to notice

Strangely, i cannot find any evidence to dispute this. Correct height and build, same bad taste in clothes, talks nonsense...the question remains though, if you are the blonde Pete, which forumite is the red head Pete. Its got internal casting written all over it. Its certainly not me, Im currently moonlighting as Cybill Shephard on Broadway.

It seems to me, you want to be all the women in the world, which, while admirable, is quite unattainable. As a real qualified notacertificateoffthenet Doctor, I say theres nothing wrong with delusions. Everyone has them, but put your delusions in the realms of possiblity by aiming lower. Pete Burns imperssonations are fine, and, with practice, you can work your way up to Geri Halliwell.

The prescription is in the post.

yours Dr.Flamingo

[Dreadful Scathe]

Hello all,

My Psychiatric practice is putting together a charity play entitled Patience with the patients and we are currently casting the roles of Mrs Andy McGregor and El Salsero gringo.

All 'casting couch' auditions handled by our medical examiner, Dr.DavidJames.

thanks in advance

Dr.Shawing

[LMC]

... we are currently casting the roles of Mrs Andy McGregor and El Salsero gringo.
Are nominations permitted?

If so, then evidently Dangerous Curves should play Andy, and ChrisA would be the only person who might nearly be capable of replicating ESG's charisma.

*ducks and runs*

[Dreadful Scathe]

Good suggestions. I do feel DC would give the necessary gravitas to the Andy role and if ChrisA can stretch to superciliousness then it could be a go-er :)

[stewart38]

Agony smurf

My friend might have become a serial dater without knowing it, what sings should I sorry he look for ??

[David Bailey]

My friend might have become a serial dater without knowing it, what sings should I sorry he look for ??
"Only the lonely"? :devil:

(Sorry, couldn't resist...)

[stewart38]

Agony smurf

My friend might have become a serial dater without knowing it, what sings should I sorry he look for ??


can you negative rep yourself re signs or sings :blush:

going of to snigles room, not going to get the help here ,he requires

[WittyBird]

Agony smurf

My friend might have become a serial dater without knowing it, what sings should I sorry he look for ??

Maybe your friend just has an addictive personality? Maybe he needs to realise that dating lots of women isn't giving him what he requires. I think your friend should realise that dating loads of women is just going to make him even more confused and lonely and will probably come back and bite him on the bum.:flower:

[stewart38]

Maybe your friend just has an addictive personality? Maybe he needs to realise that dating lots of women isn't giving him what he requires. I think your friend should realise that dating loads of women is just going to make him even more confused and lonely and will probably come back and bite him on the bum.:flower:


The cheek of it !! which one does he have to look out for or will it bite him on both cheeks ?

[WittyBird]

The cheek of it !! which one does he have to look out for or will it bite him on both cheeks ?

I was trying to help your friend but obviously you don't really want to help him. :mad:

[stewart38]

I was trying to help your friend but obviously you don't really want to help him. :mad:

The pot calling the kettle black springs to mind :rofl:

[WittyBird]

The pot calling the kettle black springs to mind :rofl:
:confused:

[Dreadful Scathe]

:confused:
Pay attention everyone. This is what happens when you have unqualified personal attempt to psychoanalyse the seriously deranged. Ability to dress as Britney Spears is not a valid psychiatric qualification (in this country).

To answer the patients original question.


My friend might have become a serial dater without knowing it, what sings should I sorry he look for ??

Your "friend", lets call him "Stewart", can curb his enthusiasm for the ladies with a simple prescription of "Andy McGregor models for Ann Summers" DVD. It's not particularly relevant but is guaranteed to traumatise for a period of 6-9 months, and cause headaches and nausea when near any lingerie department or anyone showing more than an inch of naked flesh.

The flashbacks are harsh but the end result is worth it for the rest of society.

yours community spiritedly

Dr.Aligator Pants

[LMC]

:yeah: and it might give some venues in the south-east a chance to get some more men in to even up the numbers...

[WittyBird]

Pay attention everyone. This is what happens when you have unqualified personal attempt to psychoanalyse the seriously deranged. Ability to dress as Britney Spears is not a valid psychiatric qualification (in this country).



LMFAO :rofl:

[Barry Shnikov]

My friend might have become a serial dater without knowing it, what sings should I sorry he look for ??

In Just a minute that would so qualify for deviation - from the English language.

I can't even guess what you meant!!!

[Minnie M]

"Andy McGregor models for Ann Summers" DVD.
He is also modelling some of my bras on it :whistle: you forgot to mention the price: Andy will give you £5 each for buying it :flower:

[drathzel]

"Only the lonely"? :devil:

(Sorry, couldn't resist...)
:rofl: :worthy:

[stewart38]

To answer the patients original question.



Your "friend", lets call him "Stewart", can curb his enthusiasm for the ladies with a simple prescription of "Andy McGregor models for Ann Summers" DVD. It's not particularly relevant but is guaranteed to traumatise for a period of 6-9 months, and cause headaches and nausea when near any lingerie department or anyone showing more than an inch of naked flesh.

The flashbacks are harsh but the end result is worth it for the rest of society.

yours community spiritedly

Dr.Aligator Pants

Thankyou Dr Pants ........brief but to the point

Where does one buy this DVD at 'Mikeys Store' :whistle:

How much does your advice cost ?? (My friend asks, he has a shilling on him but thats between him and the GP )

[Andy McGregor]

Your "friend", lets call him "Stewart", can curb his enthusiasm for the ladies with a simple prescription of "Andy McGregor models for Ann Summers" DVD. It's not particularly relevant but is guaranteed to traumatise for a period of 6-9 months, and cause headaches and nausea when near any lingerie department or anyone showing more than an inch of naked flesh.In fact, this DVD has been known to cause a satin, fishnet and rubber aversion that lasts the rest of your life :whistle:

The good news is that you will no longer be scared of spiders or anything black and hairy:eek:

You may also notice that I'm not quite in the right place on the screen. This is because the Ann Summers Health and Safety department advised that the cameramen should be blindfolded to prevent accidents at work*:innocent:

*and projectile vomiting :sick:

[Bardsey]

:rofl: :rofl: Oh dear! Just been reading the Smurf and Andy posts (and all the others) I think I just wet myself :blush: (Luckily we fairies only tickle in a tiny way!)

[drathzel]

You may also notice that I'm not quite in the right place on the screen. This is because the Ann Summers Health and Safety department advised that the cameramen should be blindfolded to prevent accidents at work*:innocent:

*and projectile vomiting :sick:

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Dreadful Scathe]

How much does your advice cost ?? (My friend asks, he has a shilling on him but thats between him and the GP )


My advice is free*. Think of it kinda like Frasier the TV programme except not as funny and without the little dog :)

I am fully qualified in whatever is needed though, so don't worry. Your mental state is safe in my hands.




* subject to taxes, expenses and service charge

[drathzel]

My advice is free*. Think of it kinda like Frasier the TV programme except not as funny and without the little dog :)

I am fully qualified in whatever is needed though, so don't worry. Your mental state is safe in my hands.




* subject to taxes, expenses and service charge

We can get you a dog if you want:D or a spikey creature, if you decide to be different, there is one being kicked about the SS

[LMC]

Your mental state is safe in my hands.
Now THAT'S scary :eek:

[Dreadful Scathe]

Now THAT'S scary :eek:
What is ? Stewart38's mental state, or my hands ? :)

[LMC]

Anyone's mental state staying the same.

I suppose that it could be worse - their mental state could be deteriorating if it wasn't for your sensitive insights into their tortured dilemmas.

[Dance Demon]

Dear agony Smurf
I have been browsing through the various sections of this forum, and have suddenly developed a craving for cheesecake. It has to be cheesecake and nothing else. My problem is, will the meringues, pavlovas, and trifles of this world find this provocative.

[Stuart M]

Dear agony Smurf
I have been browsing through the various sections of this forum, and have suddenly developed a craving for cheesecake. It has to be cheesecake and nothing else. My problem is, will the meringues, pavlovas, and trifles of this world find this provocative.
While you're waiting here's a second opinion: why not try a nice custard tart - it's a traditional Portuguese dessert :whistle:

[LMC]

All this talk of desserts just takes the biscuit :mad:

[Beowulf]

Dear Dr Smurf.

I have a problem. I find my mind wanders and I have difficulty maintaining focus on what I'm.. .. oh look a butterfly !!

[Feelingpink]

Dear Uncle Smurf,

I have just bought a fish tank, but know nothing about fish. Angel fish look cute, but if I put them in with other breeds, will they eat each other? How do you tell boy fish apart from girl fish? Do I need to know? Do they have a favourite weed?

:flower:

[stewart38]

Dear Uncle Smurf,

I have just bought a fish tank, but know nothing about fish. Angel fish look cute, but if I put them in with other breeds, will they eat each other? How do you tell boy fish apart from girl fish? Do I need to know? Do they have a favourite weed?

:flower:

Mix them with Tiger barbs should do fine :wink:

[stewart38]

How long do you have to wait before you tell someone you love them ??

[Feelingpink]

Mix them with Tiger barbs should do fine :wink:Are they the stripey ones? Don't sound friendly ..... :what:

[stewart38]

Are they the stripey ones? Don't sound friendly ..... :what:

Angle fish not a great starter fish can be a bit temperamental

Any types of barbs are out

Platties or Guppies or other variations most stores should offer good advice or PM me , ive kept all sorts of fish for 12yrs

[Tiggerbabe]

How long do you have to wait before you tell someone you love them ??
I think it's considered polite if you at least let them finish talking :hug:

[stewart38]

I think it's considered polite if you at least let them finish talking :hug:

Some women don’t stop talking so how can that be a ‘catch all’ ??

[DianaS]

Some women don’t stop talking so how can that be a ‘catch all’ ??
Its a matter of getting the timing right: give her some chocolate, ensure that the moon is in the right phase and make sure that you tell the right one...

If she's your mum just tell her:cheers:

[Sparkles]

Angle fish not a great starter fish can be a bit temperamental

Any types of barbs are out

Platties or Guppies or other variations most stores should offer good advice or PM me , ive kept all sorts of fish for 12yrs
:yeah:
My Dad has had a tropical fish tank for as long as I can remember so I've picked up a few tips if you're interested...
... but if you want advice on a marine tank I'd be no help to you at all.

Hmmm, just thought, where is Dr Scathe in all this? :rolleyes:

[Dreadful Scathe]

Dear agony Smurf
I have been browsing through the various sections of this forum, and have suddenly developed a craving for cheesecake. It has to be cheesecake and nothing else. My problem is, will the meringues, pavlovas, and trifles of this world find this provocative.

Dear Dessert Demon,

It may be a trifling matter to you but other desserts can get upset by the lack of drooling on your part when you look at them. Theres very little you can do about this, other than faking it just to avoid hurting their feelings (custard curdles for just such a reason). Its not doing anyone any favours in the long run if you do. So if a trifle is not fruity enough for you and the banofee is too awfy - don't lead them on, just say no. Politely declining is better in the long run then "GET OOTA MA FACE YA BIG PUDDIN".

yours in chocolate

Dr Spotted Dick

[Dreadful Scathe]

I have a problem. I find my mind wanders and I have difficulty maintaining focus on what I'm.. .. oh look a butterfly !!

Dear Gwendolyn

Luckily its not contagious, especially not via the internet that would just be...mmm cheesecake.

yours

who am i again?

[Dreadful Scathe]

Dear Uncle Smurf,

I have just bought a fish tank, but know nothing about fish. Angel fish look cute, but if I put them in with other breeds, will they eat each other? How do you tell boy fish apart from girl fish? Do I need to know? Do they have a favourite weed?

:flower:

Dear Confused,

Whilst this psychology thread handles all manner of mental problems, yours must be more serious than most if you think Im going to answer questions on bleedin' fish. I can analyse your fish and tell you which ones 'think' they are boy or girl fish but it ends there. Im not Bill Odie you know.

Ok thats birds.

Whoever does fish then.

best speak to Gordon Ramsey.

yours

Dr. Brodie

[Dreadful Scathe]

Some women don’t stop talking so how can that be a ‘catch all’ ??

Just wait right there you, the men in white coats are nearly here.

Dr. ShootHimwithATranq

[stewart38]

:yeah:
... but if you want advice on a marine tank I'd be no help to you at all.

Hmmm, just thought, where is Dr Scathe in all this? :rolleyes:


for those who own 7ft marine tanks dont worry too much about the Nitrate getting it near 0 with puffer fish etc waste of time :sad:

[johnthehappyguy]

How long do you have to wait before you tell someone you love them ??

Wait until you do love them , then tell. That's always best.

John:nice:

[Dreadful Scathe]

Wait until you do love them , then tell. That's always best.


Nonsense. You sir, are a charlatan. How you can possibly seek to analyse the severaly afflicted when your nickname is "happy guy". All us QUALIFIED psychiatrists have pent up emotional issues that enable us to better analyse others with problems as severe as Stewart38's. We are certainly not "happy guys".

Desist immediately.

Yours

Dr. Angry Smurf

[DianaS]

Dear Smurf,
I have a problem. I woke up with my arm around my pillow and I was leading equititely the most intimate form of tango that I have ever experienced. I've never dreamt like that before and now when I dance awake I feel robbed let down and deflated..
I cry a lot and try and sleep..
to recreate that dream and to stay forever in that twilight space..
Dear Smurf What can I do? Is life worth living when the bubbles burst...
Yours, in tears and affliction,
DianaS

[Dreadful Scathe]

Dear Smurf,
I have a problem. I woke up with my arm around my pillow and I was leading equititely the most intimate form of tango that I have ever experienced. I've never dreamt like that before and now when I dance awake I feel robbed let down and deflated..
I cry a lot and try and sleep..
to recreate that dream and to stay forever in that twilight space..
Dear Smurf What can I do? Is life worth living when the bubbles burst...
Yours, in tears and affliction,
DianaS

Dear afflicted

An exquisite experience in a dream like state is difficult to achieve in the harsh light of day to day life. Theres little point in trying to attain the unattainable. Dancing clearly means a lot to you and you should lose the inhibitions you obviously have and give yourself to the dance. Not with just any partner; theres nothing worse than a dance with plenty of emotional content from just one side. If your partner is more Fast asleep than Wayne Sleep then dont dissapoint yourself - save your best and pander to your dream with someone that can at least attempt to match your passion. I hopr you can find that someone.

yours

flaoting down into a pile of Quavers,

Dr. Feather Duster

[Beowulf]

Dear Dear Smurf.. YOU BLUE FACED BAG OF FART

I have this slight problem YOU MALODOROUS VERMIN I seem to be having violent mood swings , from sweet , polite and benign to UTTER SEETHING CONTEMPT FOR ALL THE LOSERS AROUND ME. I try to explain this calmly to my colleagues but seem to end up POKING THEIR EYES OUT WITH A RULER AND CUTTING THEM A NEW A$$HOLE WITH THE PAPER SHREDDER. which obviously leads to some problems BUT GIVES ME A RIGHT LAUGH AT THEIR EXPENSE!

I feel this is affecting my ability to befriend THE T@SSPOTS I WORK WITH.

can you help YOU OLD WINDBAG?

Yours sincerely

Mr Wulf (WHERE WULF??)

[Dreadful Scathe]

I have this slight problem YOU MALODOROUS VERMIN I seem to be having violent mood swings , from sweet , polite and benign to UTTER SEETHING CONTEMPT FOR ALL THE LOSERS AROUND ME. I try to explain this calmly to my colleagues but seem to end up POKING THEIR EYES OUT WITH A RULER AND CUTTING THEM A NEW A$$HOLE WITH THE PAPER SHREDDER. which obviously leads to some problems BUT GIVES ME A RIGHT LAUGH AT THEIR EXPENSE!

I feel this is affecting my ability to befriend THE T@SSPOTS I WORK WITH.

can you help YOU OLD WINDBAG?

Dear Mr.Prune

A simple solution to your problem with mood swings is the complete and utter removal of your CAPS LOCK key. With this solution, you will no longer be able to press it to vent your frustrations against everyone and anyone thus negating the anger as it manifests.

Glad I could help. You tit.

yours

always typing in small case

Mr.Attache

[stewart38]

Nonsense. You sir, are a charlatan. How you can possibly seek to analyse the severaly afflicted when your nickname is "happy guy". All us QUALIFIED psychiatrists have pent up emotional issues that enable us to better analyse others with problems as severe as Stewart38's. We are certainly not "happy guys".

Desist immediately.

Yours

Dr. Angry Smurf

so wait i see :grin:

[Dreadful Scathe]

so wait i see :grin:
are you still talking the little blue pills ?

[Dreadful Scathe]

This week we have a special offer on "Dismissing your afflictions with a derisory snort".

Last weeks offer of "Helpful abuse reinforced with a slap to the face" has been discontinued. I know some of you really needed to take advantage of that, but watch out for it returning in future offers.

Carry on.

[LMC]

Dear Mr Smurf

I wish to complain about my cheesecake. Or rather the lack of it - WHERE IS IT? :mad:

Yours sincerely

Greedy mad old person with too many cats

[Dizzy]

Dear Mr Smurf

I wish to complain about my cheesecake. Or rather the lack of it - WHERE IS IT? :mad:

Yours sincerely

Greedy mad old person with too many cats

It sounds as though Dance Demon may have nicked it!! :D

see here (http://www.cerocscotland.com/forum/showpost.php?p=249143&postcount=135)

[Dreadful Scathe]

Dear Blondes

Actually the culprits may be more feline in appearance. Look no further than LMC's cheesecake loving pussies. I must say though, showing envy toward ones pets is worrying.

Solution: Go to Tesco. Purchase a nice cheesecake for you and one fish flavoured cheesecake (surely a cat delicacy). Return home. Eat with cats in social bonding situation. (Be Careful not to confuse the 2 foods, no amount of mints get rid of fish-cheesecake taste)

yours swimmingly

Dr.Trunks

[Dance Demon]

It sounds as though Dance Demon may have nicked it!! :D

see here (http://www.cerocscotland.com/forum/showpost.php?p=249143&postcount=135)

Is that a provocative statement?.........:whistle:

[Dreadful Scathe]

Dear Population of Forum

Please do not tempt Mr.Demon with Cheesecake, pastries or other sweet cakes and delicacies. His mental state around such foods is variable at best, he could have your arm off getting at that tasty profiterole. Think before you eat! Don't wave tasty morsels about!.

A tasty soup calms him down as long as the weather isn't too hot.

yours

Dr.Raven Ous

[Lou]

Dr.Raven Ous
Dear Mr Smurf,

Have you not found my replacement yet? Surely someone there can buy you cookies?! Or do I need to box some & send them up from Canary Wharf? I could send you Krispy Kreme donuts instead... :wink:

[Dreadful Scathe]

Dear Mistress Lou

I would certainly appreciate Krispy Kreme donuts having never had them before. I guess they are American from the interesting spelling of "Crispy" "Cream" and er..."Doughnut". You are right though, no one specifically buys me food, despite me reaching through the bars and removing the "Don't Feed" sign.

your friend

Dr.Munch

[Chicklet]

Dear Dr Smurf

I have become completely and utterly hooked on watching Celebrity Love Island:blush: on the slim chance that there might be a wee clip of Brendan dancing (with or without shirt, but wouldn't want the poor guy to get too hot) or talking about dancing, or walking about , or just standing.

Is this evidence that I have completely lost it or is it temporary because of the heat?

Are other patients also suffering?

I asked your collegue Dr Kildare his advice which turned out, as usual, to be early bed with a cup of tea and a Blue Ribband, but the chocolate melted and I had to get licky with it while Brendan was on screen and I'm sure this has just made the condition more er, intense

Please help
yours in desperation
Janet

[Dreadful Scathe]

Dear Dr Smurf

I have become completely and utterly hooked on watching Celebrity Love Island:blush: on the slim chance that there might be a wee clip of Brendan dancing (with or without shirt, but wouldn't want the poor guy to get too hot) or talking about dancing, or walking about , or just standing.

Is this evidence that I have completely lost it or is it temporary because of the heat?

Are other patients also suffering?

I asked your collegue Dr Kildare his advice which turned out, as usual, to be early bed with a cup of tea and a Blue Ribband, but the chocolate melted and I had to get licky with it while Brendan was on screen and I'm sure this has just made the condition more er, intense

Please help
yours in desperation
Janet


Dear Janet ,

It became clear to me, as I began to respond to your post, that your obsession with size is getting out of hand. Overuse of the [size] tag and reliance on innuendo points toward an unstable mental state. Whilst needing to reply in the same general tone, I will try to keep my innuendo to a more manageable level. There are complicated forces at work in your mind just now and, rest assured, my diagnosis will take all of them into account.

Be aware though, that Medical terms and Psychiatric mumbo jumbo may occasionally slip in, along with very complicated words (please forgive the occasional big one). I am sincerely trying not to stretch you too much, but as a Doctor we have to give our patients what they deserve. The truth.

You need a shag (http://www.beachshag.com/ImagesSoundsResources/ShagHistory.html)


Yours in suspenders

Dr.ThatsBracesToyouandme

[Chicklet]

Dear Dr Sus.

Your diagnostic insight never fails to astound.
An unqualified friend also advised a shag.
But in my brain warped state I went to the hairdresser for one and am now sporting a Bay City Roller.

So alles klar, he meant a dance.

But I see it really takes two to have a worthwhile shag, do you have any other patients in need of similar treatment?

Les.

[Dreadful Scathe]

Your diagnostic insight never fails to astound.
An unqualified friend also advised a shag.


The unqualified can sometimes hit up upon the truth by sheer luck, but was this advice or a subtle request? Were they offering their services?



But I see it really takes two to have a worthwhile shag, do you have any other patients in need of similar treatment?


You see? Ah, point me toward the DVD, Ive been looking for good shag footage for a while. Or was it not a DVD, does your telescope sweep the skyline of Glasgow looking for some shag demonstrations? Do point out the co-ordinates, others are similarly desperate.

It has been a while since your last session. Have you had the benefit of a satisfactory shag in the meantime?

yours

Dr. Mick "Holding Back the Ears" Hucknall

[stewart38]

If you have a broken heart is there any quick fixed cure :sad:

e.g hang out with loose women ? or do you have to sit through the pain ??

[Dreadful Scathe]

Dear Informal

Learn how to write letters! You pay me thousands in psychiatrists fees and I expect a reasonably formal address when you request my expert advice.


If you have a broken heart is there any quick fixed cure :sad:

Beer, Mind Altering Drugs and Loose women all have positive short term effects but ultimately lead you down the slippery slope toward manic wibbling depression. The quick fix here will be a continual self perpetuating process and, whilst fun in the short term, will be constantly required on a greater and greater scale whilst your mental anxiety increases level by level. Extra mental problems are the last thing YOU need. Picture yourself 1 year from now wearing a tweed tank top, y-fronts and no trousers, wandering the streets dishevelled and clutching a stained copy of Victoria Beckhams 3rd autobiography. It doesnt get any lower. Do you like that picture? ..if you do..phone the BBC they need presenters.

If on the other hand, you want hope, then...tough - I cant give hope to the hopeless. HOWEVER, I can give you respect. RESPECT yourself by liking what you see in the morning, even when looking in the mirror.



e.g hang out with loose women ? or do you have to sit through the pain ??

The hanging out bit you're already doing, Ceroc nights are teeming with loose women. You dont need to sit through the pain if one of the loose women asks you to dance, although they usually prefer if you ask them. Meet, mingle and hopefully your eyes will be opened to new possibilities for companionship.

Failing that, buy a goldfish.

yours

Miss. Moneypenny (my informal Friday name)

[under par]

Dear Doctor,
I need some help I am addicted to word games and sudoku puzzles. What can I do? Please help.


1 5 6 3 4 2 9 7 8
2 3 5 7 8 9 6 1 4 help please!

thankyou in anticipation Under Par

[stewart38]

Dear Doctor,
I need some help I am addicted to word games and sudoku puzzles. What can I do? Please help.


1 5 6 3 4 2 9 7 8
2 3 5 7 8 9 6 1 4 help please!

thankyou in anticipation Under Par

I think mine is worse ?

1 5 6 3 4 2 9 7 8
2 3 5 7 8 9 6 1 4
3 7 4 6 9 8 1 2 5

[under par]

I think mine is worse ?

1 5 6 3 4 2 9 7 8
2 3 5 7 8 9 6 1 4
3 7 4 6 9 8 1 2 5

I can help you stewart


1 5 6 3 4 2 9 7 8
2 3 5 7 8 9 6 1 4
3 7 4 6 9 8 1 2 5
5 6 8 9 2 3 4 7 1


is that any better? is that an improvement?

is that an advance ? does it develop it ?

is it augmented to your liking? can you find a more upgraded grid?


HELP!:eek: :eek:

[DianaS]

Dear Agony Smurf,
My Mums broken her ribs and being a pain. She is very sad, what should I do?
I've tried making her laugh but its even worse and shes on a diet so chocolate isnt't the answer, and she doesn't drink either and flowers only die.
God, isn't life awful,
Why do we carry on colluding in this terrible misery..
Is that why dance was invented to give some respite from the tedium of life?
What is the meaning to this madness?
Diana

[under par]

Dear Agony Smurf,
<<< lots of problems >>>
What is the meaning to this madness?
Diana


Dear Diana,

Would you please get in the queue for a response I've been waiting ages.

Under Par

[DianaS]

Under Par
Can I politely suggest that your liking for numbers is not an affliction it merely symbolises your grasp of reality

e=m c 2
c=2 pie r
123=4
and the meaning of life is 42

Sorted
Next :flower:

[Dreadful Scathe]

I can help you stewart


1 5 6 3 4 2 9 7 8
2 3 5 7 8 9 6 1 4
3 7 4 6 9 8 1 2 5
5 6 8 9 2 3 4 7 1


is that any better? is that an improvement?

is that an advance ? does it develop it ?

is it augmented to your liking? can you find a more upgraded grid?


Dear Stewart38 and Underpar69

This pattern of mental (and other) comparisons points toward more deep seated confidence and emotional issues. It should not concern either of you if the other is "augmented to your liking" this sort of comparison can only end in tears and a further lowering of your self esteem to the level of any former "Take That" member not called Robbie Williams. The use of numbers in a grid just attempts to cloud the issue but the deep seated angst is there for all educated people to see, writ high in flashing neon cartoon thought bubbles.

Also, a warning to Underpar - theres little point in comparing yourself Stewart38, as he does not register on any mental grade scale known to man. A whole different grade exists called "Stewart38", used only by dolphins. Although if you are facing west at the time of comparison, you may be a "mauve" on that scale.

Repeat after me - "the numbers dont matter". Take a small handful of fishfood and lie down with a member of the opposite sex.

yours in boots

Dr.Boots Boots "Kinky" Boots

[Dreadful Scathe]

My Mums broken her ribs and being a pain. She is very sad, what should I do?
I've tried making her laugh but its even worse and shes on a diet so chocolate isnt't the answer, and she doesn't drink either and flowers only die.
God, isn't life awful,
Why do we carry on colluding in this terrible misery..
Is that why dance was invented to give some respite from the tedium of life?
What is the meaning to this madness?


Dear Diane

One womans madness is anothers fruit salad. What I mean by that (as a well qualified individual with certificates to prove I read books on the subject) is, your impression is all wrong. Not your physical impression of a fruit salad, as Im sure that would be very good (personally I never "got" a cherries motivation in an ensemble piece, but Im sure you would), but your mental impression.

To describe life as a "tedium" and "madness" describes one aspect of life you happen to notice. Try NOT noticing it to such a degree. Yes its there but its as unimportant as the clouds in the sky. Yes, the flowers die, but they always do and if they were given with love then its THAT moment that you should cherish. Yes, the watched kettle seems to take longer to boil but when its boiling contents pour tea and coffee for loved ones and friends that come to visit, the time it takes is inconsequential.

I notice you dwell on the positive aspects of dance and do not linger on the sweaty perverted muppet-handed drooling dropouts that make up your average male modern jiver. As it should be. Look for the positive, as sometimes it is much harder to find but far more rewarding. A tickle from Amir is worth many a twisted arm.

Now back to work with you, with a more positive frame of mind.

yours indeterminately

Dr. Lesley Smurfs

[Clive Long]

Dear Doctor,

I have a personal problem. I know I can be assured of your complete discretion and will treat everything I write in complete confidence.

It's my new girlfriend. She is lovely and I love her to bits. It's just that she's, errr ... well ... you see ... a little too "responsive" :blush:

I only have to start buttering the toast and her eyelids close and she starts to moan gently. I try to be an understanding and sensitive lover, but her singing "Hail to the Chief" when we are making love is upsetting the neighbours and I can't afford another hike in the ground rent.

I don't want to put her off, and it's flattering up to a point, but I'm feeling a little left out. How can I approach the subject gently but get her to put a lid on it?

Yours :confused:

Clive Long

[jivecat]

...buttering the toast....What happens when you put the Marmite on?

[Clive Long]

What happens when you put the Marmite on?

We've never made it to the marmite.

Anyway, I 've paid for a qualified psychoneuroticist. Someone with certificates and the like. Don't confuse me with toppings (although said girlfriend has expressed an interest in clotted cream)

[DianaS]

Dear Doctor,

I have a personal problem. I know I can be assured of your complete discretion and will treat everything I write in complete confidence.

It's my new girlfriend. She is lovely and I love her to bits. It's just that she's, errr ... well ... you see ... a little too "responsive" :blush:

I only have to start buttering the toast and her eyelids close and she starts to moan gently. I try to be an understanding and sensitive lover, but her singing "Hail to the Chief" when we are making love is upsetting the neighbours and I can't afford another hike in the ground rent.

I don't want to put her off, and it's flattering up to a point, but I'm feeling a little left out. How can I approach the subject gently but get her to put a lid on it?

Yours :confused:

Clive Long

Dear Clive,

I couldn't help over hearing and thought that a brief work in your shell-like might be well placed..
Believe me women like this are hard to find and an eternal joy.You can take her any where, and she will comes at the crook of your finger.:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
DianaXx

[Isis]

Dear Doctor,

Some grumpy old man has been posting negative comments on my happy, fluffy, positive threads. I've almost chipped my nail varnish with the stress of it all.

What should I do?

Isis x

[Dreadful Scathe]

Dear Mr Short,



I have a personal problem. I know I can be assured of your complete discretion and will treat everything I write in complete confidence.

If its not profitable to do otherwise, than yes..absolutely.



I only have to start buttering the toast and her eyelids close and she starts to moan gently. I try to be an understanding and sensitive lover, but her singing "Hail to the Chief" when we are making love is upsetting the neighbours and I can't afford another hike in the ground rent.

Move house, you are in denial. Face it, you LIKE the situation as it is. Which makes me wonder, what is your problem? WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? . Your problem isn't one of confidence - 3 Hail Clives will do your ego the world of good. The neighbours MAY complain but thats only a guess and as I said, you can move house. Your problem seems to be BOASTING about your ability in bed to the rest of us who now hate you - i.e. your ego is now bigger than uranus , and thats a whole planet! modesty is the best policy here - tone it down and change the boastful surname. Accept the situation and stop going on about to anyone that'll listen.


I don't want to put her off, and it's flattering up to a point, but I'm feeling a little left out. How can I approach the subject gently but get her to put a lid on it?

Advice on noise reduction I can give. You need to come over to my offices on Harley Street so I can get a better idea of whats going on - theres a couple of forms to sign, the usual doctor/patient nonsense - i wouldnt bother reading it. I do videotape my clients from 3 cameras to give me a very thorough picture for a much better diagnosis (accuracy guaranteed) but its nothing to worry yourself over.



Anyway, I 've paid for a qualified psychoneuroticist.

Should have come to me, I probably trained them. This specialisation is mostly performed by trained monkeys - its amazing what you can accomplish with a banana.



I couldn't help over hearing and thought that a brief work in your shell-like might be well placed..
Believe me women like this are hard to find and an eternal joy.You can take her any where, and she will comes at the crook of your finger.

This was a private comment not meant for your ears DianaS, do you think Clive wanted just ANY idiot to give him advice? No, he came here for a reason.

yours

Director Max Power

*coming soon on DVD* Only £19.99

"Hot on Harley Street*
*Office Screamers*
*Loud and Luscious*
*Long and Loud*

[Dreadful Scathe]

Dear Egyptian Goddess



Some grumpy old man has been posting negative comments on my happy, fluffy, positive threads. I've almost chipped my nail varnish with the stress of it all.

What should I do?



What makes you think he's grumpy and old? And a man? Is there evidence for any of this?

lets assume you're right shall we....a solution is 2 parts water and...

Approach grumpy old man with these facts;
negative comments dont cancel out my positive mind
i wont resort to personal attacks, you stupid tit
my threads are "Armani" your comments are more "tramps coat"
its not halloween why are you wearing such a hideous mask? oh!



Alternatively, approach him with a big stick

Dr. Happy Smiley Sunnyman

[Isis]

Fantastic advice, O Wise One!:worthy:

[Stuart M]

Dear Agony Smurf,

every now and then I'm afflicted by horrendous head pains. It's signalled by a soft, clippety-cloppety beat, some faux-angelic synthesiser, then some vaguely warbling reedy voice saying "I've never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight..."

Following on from that I start retching :sick: , bleeding from the ears, and screaming "Aagh! No, please God no..", followed by the general screaming heeby-jeebies. I've considered alternative therapy (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/6033139.stm) but believe in this instance it may be counterproductive. Any advice?

[Dreadful Scathe]

every now and then I'm afflicted by horrendous head pains. It's signalled by a soft, clippety-cloppety beat, some faux-angelic synthesiser, then some vaguely warbling reedy voice saying "I've never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight..."

Following on from that I start retching :sick: , bleeding from the ears, and screaming "Aagh! No, please God no..", followed by the general screaming heeby-jeebies. I've considered alternative therapy (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/6033139.stm) but believe in this instance it may be counterproductive. Any advice?

Dear Retching Weegie,

Thats a good name for a band. Retching Weegie! Perhaps an album doing cover versions of the most abysmal and annoying songs would go down well with the buying public....or perhaps would be just as annoying. Hmm I'm picturing neds with pitch forks outside your house......

The most satisfying remix would probably consist of the first line of lyrics and then 3 minutes of strangling noises. Not only for no-ones favourite "Lady in Red" but also "Everything I do" by Bryan Addams (sic), any boy band "Ballads" and all cover versions of anything by winners of a TV talent program of any kind.

I'm with you in this, whilst LIR is the perfect song for certain situations (relieving constipation, reviving concussed people a la "hearing salts" and inducing vomit in children who have swallowed things that they oughtnotta ;) ) a normal person wishes to steer well clear. I'd suggest a Daily Mail campaign to relocate Mr De Burgh due to his name being a "bit foreign".*
If everyone can please write to :

Daily Mail
Chris De Begger off Campaign
London

In the meantime, and until the relevant laws are passed to ban "ballads in an enclosed space", I'm afraid ear muffs are the only option. This is why I cant use the phone.

yours in sympathy SWITCH OFF THAT BLOODY RADIO AAAAAArrrrRRRRRGH

Dr Man In Black


* If that campaign fails , the "laying on of hands where he "oughtnotta" should be just the biscuit"

[David Bailey]

Dear Agony Smurf

For several hours now, I've been wrestling with a moral dilemna.

I desperately want to neg-rep somebody, for consistent and irredeemable fcukwittery.

The trouble is, once I head down that slippery slope, where will I stop? I mean, I'd be morally obligated to neg-rep myself at least once a day, for example.

Worst-case scenario: I turn into MartinHarper. :eek:

Help me, Obi-Smurf - what should I do? :tears:

[Dreadful Scathe]

Dear Agony Smurf

For several hours now, I've been wrestling with a moral dilemna.

I desperately want to neg-rep somebody, for consistent and irredeemable fcukwittery.

The trouble is, once I head down that slippery slope, where will I stop? I mean, I'd be morally obligated to neg-rep myself at least once a day, for example.

Worst-case scenario: I turn into MartinHarper. :eek:

Help me, Obi-Smurf - what should I do? :tears:

Dear MartinHarper Junior

Its a well known fact that the ancient Greeks would oil themselves before any sort of wrestling. I'm not aware if you do this yourself, or how mighty
your "moral dilemna's" actually are, but if its anything like a "moral majority" you've got your work cut out for you. I say - embrace the metaphor, and consider
turning up at a dance venue where this person goes, oiled, loin cloth clad and ready for a grapple.

Now that you've considered that and realised "fcukwittery" is probably quite applicable, you'll be much more forgiving of other peoples failings on the forum too.
So, yes, do give that neg-rep muscle a little flex now and again when true out of character stupidity or pig-headedness rears its ugly head - but theres not much you can do about fcukwits. As they say up here in the non-filtered out by forum software north, its like "Pishing in the wind".

Also, there is only one Martin Harper, you can walk in his shoes but only if he leaves them at the side of the dance floor.

yours in fabulous high heels,

Dr.Rock Lobster

[David Bailey]

Dear Agony Smurf

Today at a cafe, I left my paper out on the table whilst going to attend a call of nature. When I returned, the couple at the next table had liberated a couple of supplements for themselves. :eek:

After wrestling with my manliness for a few minutes, I leant over and asked if I could "scrounge back" (my words) one of the supplements, thus salving some of my masculinity.

Did I do the right thing? Should I have challenged the male to step outside for a serious Vinceslapping? Or what?

Thanks
MH-wannabe

[Dreadful Scathe]

Today at a cafe, I left my paper out on the table whilst going to attend a call of nature. When I returned, the couple at the next table had liberated a couple of supplements for themselves. :eek:

After wrestling with my manliness for a few minutes, I leant over and asked if I could "scrounge back" (my words) one of the supplements, thus salving some of my masculinity.

Did I do the right thing? Should I have challenged the male to step outside for a serious Vinceslapping? Or what?



Dear DJ-mewling (rap star for the under sixes)

Interesting, and apt, that such a manliness confirmation request comes at a time of inter-forum turmoil. We can see parallels in your forum moderator experience with your real life wimp-at-the-cafe experience. Now I never pre-judge, I do tend to wait until the results of tests after the horse steroids kick in, but I think in your case I'll wing it. Your social persona differs somewhat to who you actual are. Now this isn't unique, everybody has this problem to some degree. But when people who meet you for the first time think more "Vern Troyer" than "Yul Brynner", clearly theres some confidence issues that could do with a right good shoeing.

It is pleasant to approach someone who has mistakenly picked up your newspaper and say with a smile "Hi. Can I have my paper back please". If you compare the phrase to "That's my goddamned paper you utter bastards!!" and "mumble..can I scrounge back a supplement please." it's obvious it would be the correct choice. Its not an escalation from "mumble mumble" or an imposition on the people with your paper; rather it's the middle ground - it IS your paper and you need to tell them this. They will accept this information, or not, but you've done your part. In fact, it's a free confidence boost to think of the phrases you could have said but didn't. The worry, of course, is that the conversation doesnt remain pleasant, but even if this happened every time with shouts of "YOU JUST LEFT IT THERE" spat at you by the paper-nappers, its not your problem, its theirs. Go away with the positive feeling of being on the moral high ground, and phone the police about the couple "acting suspiciously" and "shouting abuse" at a cafe "nearby".

The forum is a different matter. With the face to face aspect gone, we can be who we want to be, but we also can't stop our personality coming out. Whilst your non-denominational polite utterings are like silken toilet paper in this forum of depravity, your new moderator persona has changed it slightly. You now want to look out for other people. Because you can. And, bless your little cotton socks, you're nice! You want others to be polite and remind them that they should be too, and everything will be really, really nice. This persona change is the equivelent of the Kings chief scribe, running along the castle walls with the invading army beneath and thousands of arrows darkening the sky overhead, stopping to pop up over the parapet to say "now come now, calm down". Best if he had just stopped the letter calling King Geldof a trumped up scrounging git from getting sent in the first place. If that analogy doesnt work for you, imagine the same situation but instead of hordes of outraged barbarians with siege equipment, theres one Andy McGregor in a tutu with a step ladder. Got it? Yup, Im scared too :)

So to summarise: 2 legs good, 4 legs bad.

yours

DJ High Pitched (smurfing the mother smurfing decks since '92. Yo!)

[David Bailey]

Err, thanks.

[Stuart M]

Dear DJ-mewling (rap star for the under sixes)

But when people who meet you for the first time think more "Vern Troyer" than "Yul Brynner", clearly theres some confidence issues that could do with a right good shoeing.

Ooo, given that DJ's a sort of reduced-in-scale moderator, can we now start calling him Mini-mod?

Dear moderators,

please send infraction points to...

[David Bailey]

Ooo, given that DJ's a sort of reduced-in-scale moderator, can we now start calling him Mini-mod?
:rofl:

See, now people come up with good bylines, a day before the polls close... :rolleyes:

[Dreadful Scathe]

Err, thanks.
need i remind you all advice is free and pointless and is entirely upheld by the managment of Ceroc :)

[Stuart M]

See, now people come up with good bylines, a day before the polls close... :rolleyes:
Awww, poor wee thing. Don't get so upset. Care for a Hot Pocket?

[David Bailey]

Awww, poor wee thing. Don't get so upset. Care for a Hot Pocket?
That's some weird foreign* thing, innit?

*North of Barnet

[DianaS]

Hello Patients,

Having noticed how laden with woes, troubles, glitches, mental problems, and behavioural difficulties you all are, I thought I would offer my services as a ridicular of the afflicted and ask you all to post any particularly troublesome or JerrySpringerly interesting problems you may have. I'll do my best to solve your problem with the help of optimistic humour.

So post away, Doctor Dreadful Scathe is IN.......


:)

Dear Agony Smurf,
I'm in desperate need of professional help....

I have a overwheling desire to bath naked in my chocolate fountain and am totally obsessed

I'm finding it diffcult to concentrate and wonder if there is milange in hiring a hot tub so that I can be dipped more simply in one go,.Its a size issue really cas the fountain is too small to cover me and I would have to do myself in stages and some bits would dry and crack off before other bits were done. (oh er,I'm coming over all a tremble...)

I think it would be most dramatic to do myself in one (apart from my head), wait for it to harden and then crack myself open.
The products could be pain stakenly reassembled to form a like like chocolate statue to be unveiled at the birthday party.

If I was sucessful I would have cracked a new form of body art.

Can you help my Smurf like friend, we could form a whole new phase in modern art, create a silent and beautiful form of choclate stills of our favourite dancing friends, uniquiely posed and catured in the flavours of their choice.
Ofcourse we would need a Doctor to assist:D

Could it be sprayed on like an all over tan??
Can we capture dancers in motion, the possibilities are endless and I just cant sleep...

Help me my smurf dream,
We can make poetry in motion

DianaS

[Barry Shnikov]

I have a overwheling desire to bath naked in my chocolate fountain and am totally obsessed

Ok, well, I think it's our duty to help out a fellow forumite.

I figure we need: an inflatable pool, a large room, a large saucepan (one of those two gallon jobs for making jam), a cooking thermometer, and a ladle.

And about £50 worth of Galaxy, if someone's got a Booker card or similar.

Total cost - providing we can borrow everything except the pool - about £75.

At £5 a ticket, we ought to get enough from the male forumites to make Diana's dream a reality.

All she has to do is pretend there aren't (at least) thirteen blokes watching her bathe naked in molten chocolate.

[Chicklet]

Dear Agony Smurf,

I'm really keen to get all Smurfs on the forum to read their PMs
Can you help???

Cxxx

[stewart38]

Dear Agony Smurf,
I'm in desperate need of professional help....

I have a overwheling desire to bath naked in my chocolate fountain and am totally obsessed




I once took some chocolate egg off you

I suggest you share your chocolate and your bath

[Dreadful Scathe]

Dear forumites,

It has come to my attention that a much angrier ruder man has been passing himself of as me - especially on so-called "serious" threads which no smurf should get involved in. We have had him shot and have changed the password so he cannot log in again. This advice line has now been reopened and can be queried by pressing Alt+F4 on your keyboard.

thanks

Dr.Doctor (can you hear it burning burning)

[Barry Shnikov]

Dr.Doctor (can you hear it burning burning)

...is that a UFO I spy?

[Dreadful Scathe]

...is that a UFO I spy?
If its in the air and you don't know what it is. Yes. :)

[Barry Shnikov]

If its in the air and you don't know what it is. Yes. :)
Some things are in the air but not flying.

There are UPOs (unidentified plummeting objects) for example, and UBOs (unidentified bouncing objects).

[Dreadful Scathe]

Some things are in the air but not flying.

There are UPOs (unidentified plummeting objects) for example, and UBOs (unidentified bouncing objects).

but until you see them hit the ground and either crash or bounce, you cant be SURE they are not flying :)

[Barry Shnikov]

but until you see them hit the ground and either crash or bounce, you cant be SURE they are not flying :)
Sadly true; but yet still important to get the nomenclature correct...

[Stuart M]

Some things are in the air but not flying.

There are UPOs (unidentified plummeting objects) for example, and UBOs (unidentified bouncing objects).
Ah, but at the precise moment an object is bouncing, it's not in the air. :stirring: