Forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

[SnowWhite]

I've realised that I spend a lot of my time on the dancefloor dancing with people I know, or have danced with before - which is great and I always enjoy it. But trying to broaden my circle of dancers I made the decision to ask more guys to dance that I don't know.

This decision seems to have coincided with an increase in the times I have been refused dances (both by people I've danced with before, and those I haven't)

I do realise that our over-worked guys need a rest, and I try to respect that when I realise they are cooling down or whatever by saying, can I have a dance sometime when you're ready?

But recently I've been told the following:

I'd prefer to dance this track with someone I like. :sad:
I think you just use me for dancing... :confused:
No. (no apology, no explanation, nothing) :tears:

I've also been looked up and down, then told - No thanks! :(
I've even been taken onto the dance floor, then the guy walked away and left me there! :mad:

I also get the usual - I was just going to dance with someone else... (never to be seen again!)
I'm resting - only for the guy to dance with someone else.

I'm sure others have shared these experiences so,

My questions are -
Do we forgive and forget? Grow an extra thick layer of skin and ask again another time.
Do we hold a grudge and never give them the time of day again?
Do we sit patiently and wait and hope to be asked?
Do we only ask those we know?

And how do we walk the line between being predatory and being standoffish ...


:flower:

[Jamie]

I don't like those responses, they aren't good excuses for refusing a dance. If I were you, I would not ask them again, I'd speak to them politely if need be, but I wouldn't ask them again. What's the point? If they are "too good" to give you the time of day then don't give them the satisfaction of saying no again.

You never know, they may come and ask you, then you can smile sweetly and say, of course, I never refuse a dance.

[Twirly]

To some extent, that probably depends on how large your available pool of potential dance partners is, and how much new blood comes in. Some of those replies you've received sound downright rude, and I'd be tempted to blacklist them. Particularly if it happened repeatedly. But will that mean you wind up with no-one to dance with?

I'm lucky in London in that the dance "pool" seems pretty huge. And the guys I've not known that I've asked have on the whole said yes. I've only had a rude refusal once, and I remember and avoid him (though no idea what he's called). If I knew the guy (i.e. he'd asked me to dance a few times, therefore indicating that he liked dancing with me) and he refused me and then danced with someone else, I'd be inclined to forgive as I'd assume there were reasons I didn't know about which lead to his actions. Although I might then wait for him to ask me before I asked him again.

[Beowulf]

I'd prefer to dance this track with someone I like. :sad:
I think you just use me for dancing... :confused:
No. (no apology, no explanation, nothing) :tears:
dance with someone else.


:eek:


I don't like those responses, they aren't good excuses for refusing a dance. If I were you, I would not ask them again,

:yeah:

I mean perhaps it's just plain thoughtlessness on behalf of the males in questions. "I'd prefer to dance this track with someone I like." could be re worded as "I'd prefer to dance this track with one of my other friends.. it's her favourite" or something , perhaps he didn;t mean it the way it came out. I don't understand number 2 and number 3 is plain rude.

If they continually turn you down in rude ways, I'd score them off your dance card. But everyone has off days when they're less that thoughtful.

[MartinHarper]

Do we forgive and forget? Grow an extra thick layer of skin and ask again another time.

Your regular skin should be thick enough to cope with the answers you describe. You may find it helps if you assume good faith.

[Double Trouble]

I've realised that I spend a lot of my time on the dancefloor dancing with people I know, or have danced with before - which is great and I always enjoy it. But trying to broaden my circle of dancers I made the decision to ask more guys to dance that I don't know.

This decision seems to have coincided with an increase in the times I have been refused dances (both by people I've danced with before, and those I haven't)

I do realise that our over-worked guys need a rest, and I try to respect that when I realise they are cooling down or whatever by saying, can I have a dance sometime when you're ready?

But recently I've been told the following:

I'd prefer to dance this track with someone I like. :sad:
I think you just use me for dancing... :confused:
No. (no apology, no explanation, nothing) :tears:

I've also been looked up and down, then told - No thanks! :(
I've even been taken onto the dance floor, then the guy walked away and left me there! :mad:

I also get the usual - I was just going to dance with someone else... (never to be seen again!)
I'm resting - only for the guy to dance with someone else.

I'm sure others have shared these experiences so,

My questions are -
Do we forgive and forget? Grow an extra thick layer of skin and ask again another time.
Do we hold a grudge and never give them the time of day again?
Do we sit patiently and wait and hope to be asked?
Do we only ask those we know?

And how do we walk the line between being predatory and being standoffish ...


:flower:


How very dare they speak to you like that. It's bad enough us girls have to stalk and grab all the time, without being turned down.

If anyone ever gave me a straight 'no', I would ask them to explain why & make them feel extemely uncomfortable about being an ignorant pig.:mad:

[Tessalicious]

How very dare they speak to you like that. It's bad enough us girls have to stalk and grab all the time, without being turned down.Maybe if you're the type that stalks and grabs, that would explain the being turned down. Guys don't like to be chased, especially if they just want a break.
If anyone ever gave me a straight 'no', I would ask them to explain why & make them feel extemely uncomfortable about being an ignorant pig.:mad:And what if they turned round and gave you a reason, personal and difficult to accept, like saying that they think you smell or that they didn't really want to look at you all dance, or even that you're not really good enough to dance that challenging song with them - would you still be glad to have asked that question, and be the one making *them* feel uncomfortable?

I'm not saying that any of these apply to either SnowWhite or Double Trouble, but if you ask for an explanation you've got to be prepared to hear something that might offend you, because that might be why it wasn't volunteered as a reason in the first place. Similarly, the other person has paid their money to be there and has as much right to choose who they dance with (whether asked or not) as you do to ask them.

Sure, it's not nice to be refused, but it's worse to be told that you have to dance with someone you don't want to, or at a time you don't want to, or to a song you don't like, just because you have no right to refuse.

[Seahorse]

I think you've got to use a bit of common sense. It's just not worth taking something so personally. We all have bad evenings (I seem to get them in batches) where one bad experience inevitably spawns another.

I think you'll find that women refuse the men just as regularly, often for a similar set of reasons, and what's wrong with simply saying 'no, I'd rather not?' Why can't people be honest with each other? We're all adults and I'd rather not hear a long winded expanation of why etc, but instead go and find someone else - why waste the time? Life is too short.

However, I do get really annoyed with people who say 'XXX refused my friend, so I'm not going to dance with them now', it's just childish, and to me says a lot about the individual.

[TheTramp]

Sure, it's not nice to be refused, but it's worse to be told that you have to dance with someone you don't want to, or at a time you don't want to, or to a song you don't like, just because you have no right to refuse.

I've been saying this for years. No-one has a right to expect people to agree to dance with them. The person you are asking, has also paid their money, and has the right to decide who they are going to dance with.

However, I do generally believe that it is more acceptable to accept dances, rather than turn people down. Especially for no reason.

[Double Trouble]

Maybe if you're the type that stalks and grabs, that would explain the being turned down. Guys don't like to be chased, especially if they just want a break.And what if they turned round and gave you a reason, personal and difficult to accept, like saying that they think you smell or that they didn't really want to look at you all dance, or even that you're not really good enough to dance that challenging song with them - would you still be glad to have asked that question, and be the one making *them* feel uncomfortable?

I'm not saying that any of these apply to either SnowWhite or Double Trouble, but if you ask for an explanation you've got to be prepared to hear something that might offend you, because that might be why it wasn't volunteered as a reason in the first place. Similarly, the other person has paid their money to be there and has as much right to choose who they dance with (whether asked or not) as you do to ask them.

Sure, it's not nice to be refused, but it's worse to be told that you have to dance with someone you don't want to, or at a time you don't want to, or to a song you don't like, just because you have no right to refuse.

FYI....I have never been refused a dance & if someone was refusing to dance with me because they thought I stank, trust me, I would want to know, the same as I would have no hesitation in telling a man I was dancing with that he stank.

[Northants Girly]

Do we forgive and forget? Grow an extra thick layer of skin and ask again another time.
Do we hold a grudge and never give them the time of day again?
Do we sit patiently and wait and hope to be asked?
Do we only ask those we know?

And how do we walk the line between being predatory and being standoffish ...
Knowing who you are I was quite shocked to read this :flower:

Personally, I can hold a grudge for eternity :angry: but I don't think it's very healthy. I rarely will ask someone to dance who has previously turned me down - it depends on the answer I was given.

Just knowing that other people get turned down too helps me not feel so bad about it.

I don't think waiting to be asked is the answer and dancing only with those you know can mean missing out on some great dances!

[Groovemeister]

I've realised that I spend a lot of my time on the dancefloor dancing with people I know, or have danced with before - which is great and I always enjoy it. But trying to broaden my circle of dancers I made the decision to ask more guys to dance that I don't know.

This decision seems to have coincided with an increase in the times I have been refused dances (both by people I've danced with before, and those I haven't)

I do realise that our over-worked guys need a rest, and I try to respect that when I realise they are cooling down or whatever by saying, can I have a dance sometime when you're ready?

But recently I've been told the following:

I'd prefer to dance this track with someone I like. :sad:
I think you just use me for dancing... :confused:
No. (no apology, no explanation, nothing) :tears:

I've also been looked up and down, then told - No thanks! :(
I've even been taken onto the dance floor, then the guy walked away and left me there! :mad:

I also get the usual - I was just going to dance with someone else... (never to be seen again!)
I'm resting - only for the guy to dance with someone else.

I'm sure others have shared these experiences so,

My questions are -
Do we forgive and forget? Grow an extra thick layer of skin and ask again another time.
Do we hold a grudge and never give them the time of day again?
Do we sit patiently and wait and hope to be asked?
Do we only ask those we know?

And how do we walk the line between being predatory and being standoffish ...


:flower:

I cannot believe that you have had any of those comment's Sara. If anyone is conceited enough to say any of those things to you then don't bother. Life is to short and there are plenty of people out there who are willing to dance with you.

In more general terms of myself I could not be so rude as to even start to ignore people in that way. I always make sure that if some one asks me I always dance with them at some point.

I have never been refused in any of those ways but i am sure I would react as I have suggest and never ask again. Life and a night of dancing is to short.

[Groovemeister]

Thank you :wink:

[TheTramp]

Personally, I hold a grudge. After I've asked someone twice, and been turned down, I just assume that they don't want to dance with me, and don't bother asking them again.

Unless they ask me.

However, as someone said, if there's only a limited number of people to ask, this might not be a great way of doing things... :rolleyes:

[drathzel]

Personally, I hold a grudge. After I've asked someone twice, and been turned down, I just assume that they don't want to dance with me, and don't bother asking them again.

Unless they ask me.



:yeah: but i normally do it three times

[bigdjiver]

...This decision seems to have coincided with an increase in the times I have been refused dances (both by people I've danced with before, and those I haven't) ...:flower:I find this more than a trifle odd. I have left a venue with a bunch of five guys who all agreed that you were the best dancer there, and most ....



...Do we forgive and forget? Grow an extra thick layer of skin and ask again another time...OTOH If the last words I heard from a partner were "don't wate you time asking " I would certainly not ask again.

[Ghost]

My rule is to ask once, and only once, per evening. I figure that I've expressed my interest - if she turns me down once, it's then up to her to ask me next time.

I don't generally remember who I've asked, who's refused etc. from night to night - I might do if I were consistently refused, however.
:yeah:


My worldview
There's 40+ women in this room. Surely they won't all say "No". It's just a matter of keep asking till I find someone who says "Yes" (which 98% of the time is the first person I ask :wink: Don't think I've ever needed to ask more than 2).

I'm after enjoyable dances. If someone says "No" I assume they're saving me from a lousy dance eg because they're tired. It's lovely when people ask me for dances. :clap:

Have fun,
Christopher

[Daydreaming Diva]

And what if they turned round and gave you a reason, personal and difficult to accept, like saying that they think you smell or that they didn't really want to look at you all dance, or even that you're not really good enough to dance that challenging song with them - would you still be glad to have asked that question, and be the one making *them* feel uncomfortable?

if you ask for an explanation you've got to be prepared to hear something that might offend you, because that might be why it wasn't volunteered as a reason in the first place. Similarly, the other person has paid their money to be there and has as much right to choose who they dance with (whether asked or not) as you do to ask them.

Sure, it's not nice to be refused, but it's worse to be told that you have to dance with someone you don't want to, or at a time you don't want to, or to a song you don't like, just because you have no right to refuse.

Honest, but so true Tessa - I couldn't have put it better myself. We must be related!!! :kiss: :kiss: :kiss:

I don't think that we girls have a right to have our request for a dance accepted. We'd do better to consider wisely who we choose to ask for a dance. It can be a bit frustrating when there is a guy on the floor who we would just love the chance to dance with, but we must be realistic. If he is hugely popular with the best dancers who are his friends and vying for his attention, we can't expect to get a good reception if he has already promised most of his dances that evening. It doesn't necessarily mean a personal snub.

How I react would depend more upon the way that the refusal was made, coupled with whether I felt that the refusal was justified. I ask myself - under what conditions would I refuse a dance, and I have to admit that there may be a number of reasons why. The least obvious, but non-the-less valid reason I believe, would be when I was waiting on an opportunity to ask a particular person, that opportunity had just arisen, and then I was asked by someone I didn't particularly want to dance with. :tears: I think that guys do this all the time, and so we shouldn't be too hard on them. :hug:

I agree with Tessalicious that girls who are the grabby types, might have to expect a few refusals.

[Shodan]

As a guy, I must confess that some rare tracks I *have* to dance with a specific person if they are available. This is purely because that specific track gives an emotional/personal/brings back memories response to me and the person involved and thus makes the dance more enjoyable for me and that person. If I know that person isnt there, then I'll dance that specific track with anybody.

I very rarely refuse anyone a dance, as its not dance ettiquette to refuse unless you have a very good reason. You'll only ever get a plain "No" when I'm really tired and need a break. :nice:

Anybody who asks me to dance to "Katie Melua - Nine Million Bicycles" better be a VERY strong & understanding character. :blush:

[David Bailey]

:yeah: but i normally do it three times
Once is my rule - at least, on a particular night.

Hold on, I just said that up there... :confused:

Hey, at least I'm consistent :)

[bigdjiver]

Thank you :wink:Acquired a little helper, have we?

[killingtime]

Personally, I hold a grudge. After I've asked someone twice, and been turned down, I just assume that they don't want to dance with me, and don't bother asking them again.

Likewise, though it's only happened with one person. She turned me down because she was resting and then danced with someone else to the same track and then she turned me down because she didn't want to dance to a track and then danced with someone else to it. After turning me down on another night twice as well I decided that I wouldn't ask her again.

However she recently asked me and, even if the dances weren't lovely (which, alas, they were) I'd still ask her to dance again now. All if forgiven and forgotten.

I have to say that I may have reacted differently if I was turned down in the way Snow White was (being lead on to the dance floor and then left there :eek: ).


As a guy, I must confess that some rare tracks I *have* to dance with a specific person if they are available. This is purely because that specific track gives an emotional/personal/brings back memories response to me and the person involved and thus makes the dance more enjoyable for me and that person. If I know that person isnt there, then I'll dance that specific track with anybody.

Yup, Smooth by Santana for me.

[Magic Hans]

Hold a grudge? No
Forgive? Yes
Forget? No

So, like some previous posters, I wouldn't forget. It does hurt (at least a little) to be refused. It is also not wonderfully pleasant to dance with someone who is really only dancing to the music ... and nothing else .... like .... errrr ... me.

Where I would not bother asking someone who made no effort to dance /with/ me, I might take two or three refusals before getting the message when asking.

[Gav]

What do you do to people that I'm missing?:eek:

I was gobsmacked by the nasty comment you got on Hug Day, because it's not true and I've seen you dance and danced with you and can't think of any valid reason to refuse you.

[Genie]

The only time I have heard a man say no, it's been a good friend of mine who knew I wouldn't be offended if he said "Can I sit this one out, I'm shattered." Which is fine, because guys can be in demand on a night out. But I've always been asked by them later.

I once refused a guy a dance and he's not spoken to me since (not that I mind that much) But it was the first time I'd ever seen a ceroc class, I had come along to watch, and hadn't taken part. I knew no moves at all, and had seen him dancing, so my instant response was 'Sorry, but it's my first time here and I've only been watching. I don't actually know any moves." He walked off. Strange thing is, he came back the same evening and asked me again! I later heard him say "I've only been refused two dances in my entire life, and both by 'her'" (pointing to me). Sometimes people don't accept a valid response.

Having said that, I haven't been refused a dance in the rude ways you've described. It's not acceptable. If that's all you've got to dance with in an evening, I am very sorry for you. I know some wonderful dancers who are so very kind. It's not fair that a few morons spoil people's evenings.

If you are really deturmined to have a dance, ask them in front of a few of your friends. People are less likely to say no in front of others, because that kind of reputation gets around.

[David Franklin]

If you are really deturmined to have a dance, ask them in front of a few of your friends. People are less likely to say no in front of others, because that kind of reputation gets around.I don't get this. What on earth is the point of pressuring someone who doesn't want to dance with you? Are you really going to get any kind of enjoyment out of a dance like that?

[robd]

One thing this thread suggests to me is that perception of following ability is just a minor factor in the decision to refuse a dance. SnowWhite is a wonderful follower (as others have already attested) and I believe that the people who are missing out by not dancing with her are those doing the refusing.

Personally I do hold a grudge if I am refused without reason, especially if I have never danced with that person. It's not the most sensible or rational reaction but just the way I am. However, I am also lucky in being
* a leader
* someone that quite a few people enjoy dancing with
meaning that I don't face the same situation as SnowWhite and others in having to ask for dances for the majority of the evening.

Robert

[WittyBird]

:yeah: but i normally do it three times

:yeah: :worthy:



Hold a grudge? No
Forgive? Yes
Forget? No


:yeah: Absol Bl00dy Lutely - well I am a Scorpion :wink:

[Genie]

I don't get this. What on earth is the point of pressuring someone who doesn't want to dance with you? Are you really going to get any kind of enjoyment out of a dance like that?

:grin: Personally? No. I was referring to the comments about there being very few other dancers to dance with, so not really having a choice.

I am lucky, having three nights a week with lots of wonderful men who are really lovely to dance with and a pleasure to know. But some venues have a shortage of men altogether, from what I hear. I have been pressured into dancing with men I would rather not, but that's ok because I can dance with many more men I do like to dance with. If you don't have that option, you can either chase them or give up dancing... neither of which is a good option :sick:

[Trousers]

Heres a thought though. . . .

Long time ago I used to dance with a woman who didn't like a couple of the other ladies in a venue and it was sort of an unwritten rule that I couldn't dance with them.
Never really got the to the bottom of that but even after I stopped dancing with the woman the old taboos remained.

Fortunately these taboos have gone now but it makes you (well me actually) wonder if people that refuse to dance with or avoid you have an ulterior motive or hidden agenda or maybe just some bad information?

Catcher in the Rye time!

Personally I feel pretty bloody stupid for listening in the first place but it's what you do ain't it.




I'm not alone here surely?


Hellooooooooo! . . . . . ooooooo . . . . . . . oooooooooooooo!


Oh maybe I am. . .

[ducasi]

This decision seems to have coincided with an increase in the times I have been refused dances (both by people I've danced with before, and those I haven't) This makes no sense to me at all. :confused:

I guess some guys are simply stupid, blind, and rude. :eek:

I am lucky that I have very rarely experienced the rudeness you have. I guess women are just more likely to have a measure of human decency, or I'm good at picking those that do. :)

For the few who have (IMO) turned me down in a rude manner, I simply will not ask them again. It's not about holding a grudge, it's about having some self-pride. I'm not going to risk the hurt of another refusal when I could be dancing with someone who does want to dance with me.


On your specific questions, with respect to people who have simply been rude to me...

Do we forgive and forget? I forgive, but try not to forget.

Do we hold a grudge and never give them the time of day again? I don't hold grudges, but I won't waste my time.

Do we sit patiently and wait and hope to be asked? I won't sit and wait and hope, instead I'll go find someone who is happy to dance with me. Better all round.

Do we only ask those we know? I suppose on an average night, most of the people I'll ask I've danced with before. I'm always watching out for new people to ask though.

And how do we walk the line between being predatory and being standoffish ... I don't think there's anything predatory about asking people to dance. That's what we're all there for, and being asked shouldn't come as a surprise for anyone. Stand-offish is definitely bad though.

I guess the answer is to mostly ask those you know, and occasionally ask new guys who look like they have some feelings for others.

[Minnie M]

There are two men that have repeatedly turned me down and both of these men have blatently danced with someone else after refusing me - one is a ceroc teacher too :whistle: and yes - I do bear a grudge :angry:

For goodness sake it is only a dance - what is their problem :mad:

[angelique]

:flower: :hug: :flower: :hug:

I SOOOO know what Sara is saying, and she and I have sat many a night at dancing wondering why on earth we are so unlucky in the not being asked / being refused stakes :tears: .Neither of us are shy in doing the asking but it does make you question yourself when it keeps on happening!

I think I have said it before that since I have moved to the Midlands I have been refused even more than I ever did when lived and danced in London..:eek: One of the other things that hack me off is when you go to say, a weekender and catch up with "old friends". They say it's lovely to see you blah blah blah but when it comes to grabbing a dance, they are either "too busy, dancing with somebody else or just about to leave"..makes me seriously think about changing my perfume! :sick:

That's one of the reasons why I am brushing up my skills as a leader...at least then I can grab some of my female friends in order to enjoy a few extra tracks and so as not to become too demoralised.

Can anyone beat this one?
As a woman and seeking a potential "victim" and approaching him to nicely ask him for a dance, only to be told that he has just promised this track to someone else and then watch him march onto the dance floor....to dance with ANOTHER MAN!!!!!!!! :eek: :sick: :tears:

BEAUTIFUL!!!


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

P.S Sara..wanna dance? :yum:

[Green-eyed Monsta]

That's one of the reasons why I am brushing up my skills as a leader...at least then I can grab some of my female friends in order to enjoy a few extra tracks and so as not to become too demoralised

:sad: I got refused for the first time on Tuesday, so I asked one of the lovely lady taxi-dancers if she would dance with me....and she did, and it was lovely!

And the reason I was refused was because a man saw my husband turn me down, so he decided it would be better to follow his example and refuse me to show "solidarity with the brothers"!

And the reason my husband turned me down?....well he's just a plonker and says he didn't understand the question!!!:what:

I'm not holding a grudge against my husband, but won't be asking the other guy to dance again in the near future. Grrrrr.....:mad:

[Juju]

I don't think I've ever been refused without good reason. I think I'm a bit hard to turn down - not due to being the best dancer or anything like that, but because I tend to be a bit overwhelming when I pounce and they find it hard to refuse me! :blush:

Having said that, I did get annoyed with someone - a friend - last week, not for a refusal but for buggering off in the middle of a dance, not following up with another complete one and not coming back to me later. :mad:

I haven't forgotten.
He will have to be the one to ask me next.
I do bear a grudge.

[Andy McGregor]

I'd prefer to dance this track with someone I like. :sad:
I think you just use me for dancing... :confused:
No. (no apology, no explanation, nothing) :tears:

I've also been looked up and down, then told - No thanks! :(
I've even been taken onto the dance floor, then the guy walked away and left me there! :mad:

I also get the usual - I was just going to dance with someone else... (never to be seen again!)
I'm resting - only for the guy to dance with someone else.Somebody hold my coat!

This post has really upset me. And made me quite angry too, but mostly I feel hurt for Snow White.

The responses Snow White is receiving are not normal in Modern Jive. In general guys do not turn ladies down for a dance. Once in a while, but not like this. Somebody is being nasty, very nasty. And they're telling other people to be nasty too :angry: This is bullying, no question. And bullies only understand one thing.

I've never been bullied, but one of my daughters has. I read up a lot about bullying. One of the things a bully is good at is picking their victims. The trick is to stop being one. Don't react to their bullying behavior. If Snow White's bully is on the forum they will love the post at the start of this thread :tears:

My advice to Snow White is to keep your own counsel. Only let people you really trust know you have a problem. The other thing is to talk to the guys who have treated you so badly, speak to them on their own and tell them how much it hurt when they did what they did or said what they said.

What I want to know is what your dwarves were doing while all this was going on? Do you need a new dwarf? I qualify in terms of height, but can I be called "sexy".

[TheTramp]

but can I be called "sexy".

Not seriously. No! :flower:

[Spin dryer]

Here's a put down for a rude refuser: "You shouldn't refuse charity when it's offered."

[Andy McGregor]

Here's a put down for a rude refuser: "You shouldn't refuse charity when it's offered."Don't do it. You'd be playing their game. Just smile sweetly and look for another partner. When I get turned down I usually ask the nearest lady. If the next woman I ask saw my refusal, sometimes I say something like "I hope you don't think you're second choice".

[Andy McGregor]

Not seriously. No! :flower:Once we've taken as read that I'm short, all dwarves are, we can give me a nice name, can't we? :plead: How about "Funky"?

And, what should we call the Tramp. He's nearly the right height to qualify...:whistle:

[MartinHarper]

As a woman and seeking a potential "victim" and approaching him to nicely ask him for a dance, only to be told that he has just promised this track to someone else and then watch him march onto the dance floor....to dance with ANOTHER MAN!

Sorry, are we not meant to keep promises to people without boobs?


Don't react to their bullying behavior.

This doesn't really work (http://www.ozyandmillie.org/d/19990312.html)

[SilverFox]

Maybe if you're the type that stalks and grabs, that would explain the being turned down. Guys don't like to be chased, especially if they just want a break.And what if they turned round and gave you a reason, personal and difficult to accept, like saying that they think you smell or that they didn't really want to look at you all dance, or even that you're not really good enough to dance that challenging song with them - would you still be glad to have asked that question, and be the one making *them* feel uncomfortable?

I'm not saying that any of these apply to either SnowWhite or Double Trouble, but if you ask for an explanation you've got to be prepared to hear something that might offend you, because that might be why it wasn't volunteered as a reason in the first place. Similarly, the other person has paid their money to be there and has as much right to choose who they dance with (whether asked or not) as you do to ask them.

Sure, it's not nice to be refused, but it's worse to be told that you have to dance with someone you don't want to, or at a time you don't want to, or to a song you don't like, just because you have no right to refuse.At last, the voice of reason. Beautifully put Tess, have some rep. :respect:

[Trouble]

Here's a put down for a rude refuser: "You shouldn't refuse charity when it's offered."

you learn't that from me didn't ya... as in, when ya refused me. lol

See ya Friday Mark...ya little lamb chop you xxx

[Trousers]

. . . . . . . "I hope you don't think you're second choice".

Nice line AMG

may just insert that into my utility Trousers for when I need it - smooth that one!

[Jamie]

Can anyone beat this one?
As a woman and seeking a potential "victim" and approaching him to nicely ask him for a dance, only to be told that he has just promised this track to someone else and then watch him march onto the dance floor....to dance with ANOTHER MAN!!!!!!!! :eek: :sick: :tears:

BEAUTIFUL!!!


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

P.S Sara..wanna dance? :yum:

Sorry hunny! Not like I haven't been turned down by a woman for other women before :hug:

It was all RobD's fault, let's blame it on him!

(Am i still in trouble now I've shifted blame?!)

[Andreas]

Ouch, some of those refusals are pretty bad. :cry:



My questions are -
Do we forgive and forget? Grow an extra thick layer of skin and ask again another time.
Do we hold a grudge and never give them the time of day again?
Do we sit patiently and wait and hope to be asked?
Do we only ask those we know?
Who benefits from holding a grudge? Nobody. So why would you do it? What you should do (or I do anyway) is don't ask them again. If they come and ask you, show them that your manners are better than theirs and have a dance.


And how do we walk the line between being predatory and being standoffish ...
At the same speed as you normally act. It only becomes 'predatory' if you actually stalk somebody or chase them across the floor. Treat people you really would like to dance with about the same as those who you would dance with but are reasonably impartial about. That way you probably won't get to dance with those who you really want to as often as you could but nobody will feel 'intimidated'. :flower:

[David Bailey]

Don't do it. You'd be playing their game. Just smile sweetly and look for another partner. When I get turned down I usually ask the nearest lady.
Brave man - I'd be too scared to do that, I'd have the nightmare scenario of working my way along a row of women and getting refused by them all :eek:

But my approach is "remember but don't waste time holding a grudge".

There are some women who just won't dance with me - no jokes please - and I suspect that applies to a lot of people. It's best to just accept that it's their loss and carry on.

[Cruella]

There are some women who just won't dance with me .
Some don't get asked! :whistle:

[David Bailey]

Some don't get asked! :whistle:
Some don't ask :whistle: :na:

[Cruella]

Some don't ask :whistle: :na:

Stalemate.

[David Bailey]

Stalemate.
Check!

( :eek: Hold on, any more of this banter and I'll have to moderate myself. So to speak.)

[Lee Bartholomew]

There is only one person I will always turn down for a dance. The only reason I do that is because not only does she really hurt (once dislocated my finger, then laughed!!!!!!) she is on the wine before a class even starts, she then spends intermediate class being proped up. She will then sit in the corner during freestyle hitting more drink. Then after half hour goes (im assuming because she doesn't get a dance in).

It's not the one you pointed out last night SA, I danced with her twice. Not only was she sober, she was an ok dancer. She does look like the one I am talking about though who was there the night before.

I think, no matter what level you are at, you are still learning. I know sooo many female dancers that have looked good on the floor dancing with their regular dance parter, but then turn everyone down for a dance. Having actually got a dance with a few of these girls, I now know the reason why. They can't dance.

They have spent X amount of time dancing with regular partners and can no longer be lead or get moves that their partner does not do.

Im sure the same goes for the men too.

It is IMO wrong and bad practise for a man to turn down beginners. What do you men who turn down beginners because 'you are too good' do when there is an attractive woman you want to dance with at a party who has never danced before.

I, like anyone, like dancing with the really good dancers but the only way to find out if they are good dancers, is to dance with them wether you find them attractive or not.



To sum up. - No matter how good you are, you are still learning too.

With regards to the origional question. Just assume that the reason that they don't want to dance with them is that they are affraid you will show them up. :nice:

[Trouble]

There is only one person I will always turn down for a dance. The only reason I do that is because not only does she really hurt (once dislocated my finger, then laughed!!!!!!) she is on the wine before a class even starts, she then spends intermediate class being proped up. She will then sit in the corner during freestyle hitting more drink. Then after half hour goes (im assuming because she doesn't get a dance in).

It's not the one you pointed out last night SA, I danced with her twice. Not only was she sober, she was an ok dancer. She does look like the one I am talking about though who was there the night before.

I think, no matter what level you are at, you are still learning. I know sooo many female dancers that have looked good on the floor dancing with their regular dance parter, but then turn everyone down for a dance. Having actually got a dance with a few of these girls, I now know the reason why. They can't dance.

They have spent X amount of time dancing with regular partners and can no longer be lead or get moves that their partner does not do.

Im sure the same goes for the men too.

It is IMO wrong and bad practise for a man to turn down beginners. What do you men who turn down beginners because 'you are too good' do when there is an attractive woman you want to dance with at a party who has never danced before.

I, like anyone, like dancing with the really good dancers but the only way to find out if they are good dancers, is to dance with them wether you find them attractive or not.



To sum up. - No matter how good you are, you are still learning too.

With regards to the origional question. Just assume that the reason that they don't want to dance with them is that they are affraid you will show them up. :nice:


tick tock tick tock...oh he's finished... - JUST KIDDING XX

[dave the scaffolder]

I've realised that I spend a lot of my time on the dancefloor dancing with people I know, or have danced with before - which is great and I always enjoy it. But trying to broaden my circle of dancers I made the decision to ask more guys to dance that I don't know.

This decision seems to have coincided with an increase in the times I have been refused dances (both by people I've danced with before, and those I haven't)

I do realise that our over-worked guys need a rest, and I try to respect that when I realise they are cooling down or whatever by saying, can I have a dance sometime when you're ready?

But recently I've been told the following:

I'd prefer to dance this track with someone I like. :sad:
I think you just use me for dancing... :confused:
No. (no apology, no explanation, nothing) :tears:

I've also been looked up and down, then told - No thanks! :(
I've even been taken onto the dance floor, then the guy walked away and left me there! :mad:

I also get the usual - I was just going to dance with someone else... (never to be seen again!)
I'm resting - only for the guy to dance with someone else.

I'm sure others have shared these experiences so,

My questions are -
Do we forgive and forget? Grow an extra thick layer of skin and ask again another time.
Do we hold a grudge and never give them the time of day again?
Do we sit patiently and wait and hope to be asked?
Do we only ask those we know?

And how do we walk the line between being predatory and being standoffish ...


:flower:
Sarah this is a tough one darling i know you and dance with you regular and you have improved my dancing no end however there are women out there who have hurt me when i have danced with them, as i am sure i have hurt women i have danced with. We all dance in our comfort zone to some extent and some women i find intimidating so i am reluctant to ask them to dance and they think he never asks me so i will never ask him who wins in this situation. There are a few women who will not lower themselves to dance with male beginners and then when the men get better we do not forget these ladies and i at least never ask them to dance and never will as a man its a fact that we can pick and choose who to dance with this is a fact of dancing, so you ladies who are standoffish or rude to men think again because there are literally plenty more fish in the sea. This makes me sound arrogant and rude which i am not but there are more women than men in dancing and you ladies do not want to alienate to many men or you will be dancing amongst yourselves.

[Double Trouble]

Sarah this is a tough one darling i know you and dance with you regular and you have improved my dancing no end however there are women out there who have hurt me when i have danced with them, as i am sure i have hurt women i have danced with. We all dance in our comfort zone to some extent and some women i find intimidating so i am reluctant to ask them to dance and they think he never asks me so i will never ask him who wins in this situation. There are a few women who will not lower themselves to dance with male beginners and then when the men get better we do not forget these ladies and i at least never ask them to dance and never will as a man its a fact that we can pick and choose who to dance with this is a fact of dancing, so you ladies who are standoffish or rude to men think again because there are literally plenty more fish in the sea. This makes me sound arrogant and rude which i am not but there are more women than men in dancing and you ladies do not want to alienate to many men or you will be dancing amongst yourselves.


take a breath, ***...you're turning blue....1

[dave the scaffolder]

take a breath, ***...you're turning blue....1
explain yourselve english woman xxxxxxxx

[Trouble]

yeah but he looks so much better in pink.... :D

[Double Trouble]

explain yourselve english woman xxxxxxxx

Who are you calling English? You are not related to Sian Lewis by any chance are you? (see room 101 thread) :rofl: :rofl:

[dave the scaffolder]

yeah but he looks so much better in pink.... :D
I am not an animal i am a man, who loves pink, ok what i do on the weekend is my business xxxxxxxxxxxx

[dave the scaffolder]

Who are you calling English? You are not related to Sian Lewis by any chance are you? (see room 101 thread) :rofl: :rofl:
English women, complicated individuals, give me a nice welsh girl whos facial hair matches mine anyday xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Ps notice the commas for breathing xxx

[straycat]

But recently I've been told the following:

I'd prefer to dance this track with someone I like. :sad:
I think you just use me for dancing... :confused:
No. (no apology, no explanation, nothing) :tears:

I've also been looked up and down, then told - No thanks! :(
I've even been taken onto the dance floor, then the guy walked away and left me there! :mad:



First one could be (as Beo said) a very badly phrased innocent remark.
Second sounds like a joke (but is pretty damn' bizarre if it isn't)...

The rest - well :eek: appalling (side note - I find it really worrying that some seem to regard this kind of brush-off as normal rudeness - to be expected). Doesn't say anything nice about the culture we're developing here :tears:

Grudges are not worth bearing, in my book. They take waaay too much of your energy - the worst affected person is usually the grudge-bearer. Life's too short.

Just mentally brush it off yourself, and move on.... BUT also remember that it's a privilige to dance with you - they're the ones missing out, not you. My rule of thumb is that anyone who turns me down in a rude fashion (so long as I remember, which generally isn't long :what: ) is not someone I'll ask again. I'll likely say yes if they ever ask me, but the ball's in their court.

[Trouble]

English women, complicated individuals, give me a nice welsh girl whos facial hair matches mine anyday xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Ps notice the commas for breathing xxx

your describing a jabberwaqui (not sure on spelling)... great stuff.

[dave the scaffolder]

your describing a jabberwaqui (not sure on spelling)... great stuff.
areyou saying i am a hairy individual my lovely xxxxx

[killingtime]

Sorry, are we not meant to keep promises to people without boobs?

I was going to reply to the original post but this one can just confuse people when it is taken out of context :D.

I have to agree. If I said I'd get a dance with someone then even if my favourite dancer asked me to dance (while I'm getting some water or whatever) then I'd still keep my promise to that original dancer and will turn down the latter.

Occasionally it has happened to me where I am asked by someone standing next to the fountain and I'll say "yeah, just let me get a drink of water first" and when I turn around she'll be dancing with someone else :(. I'm willing to accept that she didn't hear me though or that not everyone works on the same rules I do (which is fine, it isn't that big a deal).

[Trouble]

areyou saying i am a hairy individual my lovely xxxxx

no, im saying you are a really really hairy individual my lovely,xxxx :na:
for people that have not met Dave, look at his profile... its scary hairy..xx

by the way Dave.....your still cute..:D

[Lynn]

I've been saying this for years. No-one has a right to expect people to agree to dance with them. The person you are asking, has also paid their money, and has the right to decide who they are going to dance with. I agree with this. Though I rarely refuse (without reason, I refused a dance last night because I was on taxi duty but made sure I found the guy and had a dance as soon as I came off duty).

People have the right to refuse a dance without an inquistion.

Refusing a dance rudely is just that - bad manners. The same as any occurance of bad manners. I wouldn't ask them again. Nothing to do with 'holding a grudge', I just have better things to do with my time than intentionally seek out rude people.

I've never been rudely refused but then I probably only ask about 10% of the time (away from my own venue that is). I've only had a few refusals and and they all had a 'reason' and asked me the next time.

So I guess my policy based on my own past practice is - accept a refusal and move on. And leave it to the person to come and ask me the next time.

[Trouble]

anyway, getting back to the question in hand.

i have been refused before and im sure i will be refused again and it can, when your not expecting it or are not used to it, rip your heart out of your chest and make you feel absolutely awful. When it happened to me the first time i quit dancing albeit temporarily but it gave my ego a slap, my confidence a slap and made me want to die from embarassment.

Unfortunately, this will happen over and over again and i think what might help is if when new people join ceroc, or jive or salsa or whatever dance venue they start with, the leaders should explain that this can happen, its not the end of the world and to just move on to the next person because what i was told as a green new starter was, ITS LAW, MEN NEVER REFUSE WOMEN A DANCE... you can imagine...

I do think men and women have a choice, i myself will avoid dancers if they are rubbish or smell or yank about too much, we just have to learn how to deal with it and not let it bug us and teach people that it doesn't matter if your refused.

Now if i was to be refused, it would not bother me like it used too, i would think your loss baby, you dont know what you just missed.

:D :D :D

[Lee Bartholomew]

I quite often get turned down for dances just after someone has seen me dance with Seriously Addicted or another good female. They are scared that I might sumersault them or throw them over my shoulder.

Normally get the 'Your too good for me' reply. Normally tell them they are talking nonsense and drag them on to the floor anyhow. It is then I throw them over my shoulder (just kidding). Will dance with them slow and as normal as I can get to be. They normally then get their freinds to come and ask me to dance with them.

As everyone else says, don;t take it personally. you can bet that unless you are a fish monger and have'nt showered since finnishing work, that the only reason you have been turned down is because of the other dancers over inflated ego, or they just don't feel they are up to the job of dancing with you.

[dave the scaffolder]

I've been saying this for years. No-one has a right to expect people to agree to dance with them. The person you are asking, has also paid their money, and has the right to decide who they are going to dance with.

However, I do generally believe that it is more acceptable to accept dances, rather than turn people down. Especially for no reason.
I find myself agreeing with the tramp on this one i once danced with a woman who discolated my finger and as a scaffolder i spent weeks in pain whilst working with my hands i would never dance with her again i pay my money and grippers are to be avoided

[Trouble]

I find myself agreeing with the tramp on this one i once danced with a woman who discolated my finger and as a scaffolder i spent weeks in pain whilst working with my hands i would never dance with her again i pay my money and grippers are to be avoided

discolated - is that a new dance move... :D

[Lee Bartholomew]

Whilst I would never turn down a dance with a 'gripper' I do try and let them know they are gripping by subtlely losening their grip or stopping, shaking my hands till they let go, then re holding.

[Trouble]

Whilst I would never turn down a dance with a 'gripper' I do try and let them know they are gripping by subtlely losening their grip or stopping, shaking my hands till they let go, then re holding.

i thought gripping was appropriate in some circumstances :whistle:

[dave the scaffolder]

discolated - is that a new dance move... :D
This is not my natural 1st language. Foot and arse situation rapidly approaching for one of us xxxxxxxxxxx

[Double Trouble]

discolated - is that a new dance move... :D

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: Oh michele....you are awful:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Lee Bartholomew]

i thought gripping was appropriate in some circumstances :whistle::eek::confused::rolleyes:

It sure is, but in the middle of a dance floor? One way of getting banned from a venue.

[Trouble]

This is not my natural 1st language. Foot and arse situation rapidly approaching for one of us xxxxxxxxxxx

foot and ass situation...hummmmm, now let me think is that forgiving or holding a grudge... :whistle:

[angelique]

Sorry, are we not meant to keep promises to people without boobs?



[/URL]


Did I say that Martin? :confused:

I merely tried to highlight a funny situation to make people smile during this thread...and it was at my own expense .

Try it..smiling that is...you might even enjoy it!:whistle: :grin:

[angelique]

Sorry hunny! Not like I haven't been turned down by a woman for other women before :hug:

It was all RobD's fault, let's blame it on him!

(Am i still in trouble now I've shifted blame?!)

No! No! No!

Pass me that BIG stick Matron...all the better to beat him with :wink:

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Lory]

Gosh SnowWhite, you've certainly had more than your fair share of refusals:what: :sick: :hug:
Do we only ask those we know?


Funnily enough, most of the refusals I get, come from the men I feel I know the best. :rolleyes:


Maybe, it's that they feel they can be honest with me and it I wont get offended, which as a rule I don't :o but then again, I would expect them to ask me later, in order to maintain the goodwill. ;)

[jivecat]

Occasionally it has happened to me where I am asked by someone standing next to the fountain and I'll say "yeah, just let me get a drink of water first" and when I turn around she'll be dancing with someone else :(. I'm willing to accept that she didn't hear me though or that not everyone works on the same rules I do (which is fine, it isn't that big a deal).

I've done this. But only because in the past I've had guys say they are going to dance with me when they've just done....whatever......only to find that they clearly have no intention of coming back to find me and it was just the rudest, most humiliating form of brush-off that came to their mind at the time. I only intend to get left standing there waiting like a prat once, so, now, if anyone agrees to dance with me and then disappears, so do I. But I wouldn't do it if it was someone I know well as I would assume they were being straight with me when they agreed to dance.


The responses Snow White is receiving are not normal in Modern Jive. In general guys do not turn ladies down for a dance. Once in a while, but not like this

Look at the evidence on this thread. Being turned down for a dance is completely normal and run of the mill, though I am a bit shocked to find that it apparently happens to young, pretty women who are also fab dancers. Whether it's nice as well as normal is a completely different matter.


Somebody is being nasty, very nasty. And they're telling other people to be nasty too This is bullying, no question.

I don't think it's bullying unless the intention is to act destructively towards a targetted individual. All the instances mentioned on this thread might be arrogant, rude, offensive, inconsiderate or unkind but not, IMO, bullying.

[Achelous]

Look at the evidence on this thread. Being turned down for a dance is completely normal and run of the mill, though I am a bit shocked to find that it apparently happens to young, pretty women who are also fab dancers. Whether it's nice as well as normal is a completely different matter.


I'm not sure it IS that common. My partner and I started in January - I asked her about this but she hasn't had a rejection since she started. I've only had one in all that time - and there is no way that I am anything other than a middle-aged pedestrian learner. So come to Cheltenham or Gloucester - where you don't get turned down (much)!

[jivecat]

I'm not sure it IS that common. My partner and I started in January - I asked her about this but she hasn't had a rejection since she started. I've only had one in all that time - and there is no way that I am anything other than a middle-aged pedestrian learner. So come to Cheltenham or Gloucester - where you don't get turned down (much)!

I might be going to Cheltenham next Friday - so I'll test out your theory!

[Paulthetrainer]

If someone turns you down for a dance I think its perfectly acceptable to find out where they live, petrol bomb their house, steal their identity and engineer an intricate plot to have them framed for a dastardly crime that they did not commit, have them extradited to a third world dictatorship and tried in front of a kangaroo court, inevitably sentenced to 40-50 years hard labour with only half a stale dried crust to eat every day along with perhaps just some mayonaisse for flavour, and reality TV shows for entertainment. Its the least they deserve.

But if all that seems too complicated, you could just remind yourself that its a plentiful ocean out there, move on, and don't trouble yourself with asking them again. :grin:

[Clueless]

I've realised that I spend a lot of my time on the dancefloor dancing with people I know, or have danced with before - which is great and I always enjoy it. But trying to broaden my circle of dancers I made the decision to ask more guys to dance that I don't know.

This decision seems to have coincided with an increase in the times I have been refused dances (both by people I've danced with before, and those I haven't)

I do realise that our over-worked guys need a rest, and I try to respect that when I realise they are cooling down or whatever by saying, can I have a dance sometime when you're ready?

But recently I've been told the following:

I'd prefer to dance this track with someone I like. :sad:
I think you just use me for dancing... :confused:
No. (no apology, no explanation, nothing) :tears:

I've also been looked up and down, then told - No thanks! :(
I've even been taken onto the dance floor, then the guy walked away and left me there! :mad:

I also get the usual - I was just going to dance with someone else... (never to be seen again!)
I'm resting - only for the guy to dance with someone else.

I'm sure others have shared these experiences so,

My questions are -
Do we forgive and forget? Grow an extra thick layer of skin and ask again another time.
Do we hold a grudge and never give them the time of day again?
Do we sit patiently and wait and hope to be asked?
Do we only ask those we know?

And how do we walk the line between being predatory and being standoffish ...


:flower:

New to this thread and need to reply to this. Those guys seem a bit harsh IMO you shouldnt ask them again and hope they ask you, but if you want to dance with them you can ask them again see what they say.

I can't believe you have been left in the middle of the dance floor that guy didnt even have the common courtesy to finish the dance :angry:

Normally if I asked someone and they just said a falt out no I would leave it to them to ask next time.

[Trouble]

If someone turns you down for a dance I think its perfectly acceptable to find out where they live, petrol bomb their house, steal their identity and engineer an intricate plot to have them framed for a dastardly crime that they did not commit, have them extradited to a third world dictatorship and tried in front of a kangaroo court, inevitably sentenced to 40-50 years hard labour with only half a stale dried crust to eat every day along with perhaps just some mayonaisse for flavour, and reality TV shows for entertainment. Its the least they deserve.

But if all that seems too complicated, you could just remind yourself that its a plentiful ocean out there, move on, and don't trouble yourself with asking them again. :grin:

:clap: :yeah:

[Whitebeard]

I might be going to Cheltenham next Friday - so I'll test out your theory!

How are we going to suss you out to be at our most welcoming ???

[MartinHarper]

Try it..smiling that is...

Am I smiling now?

[Cruella]

If the next woman I ask saw my refusal, sometimes I say something like "I hope you don't think you're second choice".

I would think i was second best if you asked me directly after being refused! :what:
I think you are better to ask a lady that hasn't seen the refusal, I've been in this situation and i felt like i was the 'fat friend' being asked cos the guy couldn't get the gorgeous blonde.
Maybe i'm too sensitive but that's how i felt.

[Miguel]

My questions are -
Do we forgive and forget? Grow an extra thick layer of skin and ask again another time.
Do we hold a grudge and never give them the time of day again?
Do we sit patiently and wait and hope to be asked?
Do we only ask those we know?

And how do we walk the line between being predatory and being standoffish ...


:flower:

People make decisions on the level of emotions then justify it with logic.
That's the way humans work. Best not to spend hours trying to nut out why he/she has won't dance with me. They may not know themselves. Be proactive rather than reactive. Nuff said.

[Andy McGregor]

I quite often get turned down for dances just after someone has seen me dance with Seriously Addicted or another good female. They are scared that I might sumersault them or throw them over my shoulder.

Normally get the 'Your too good for me' reply. Normally tell them they are talking nonsense and drag them on to the floor anyhow. It is then I throw them over my shoulder (just kidding). Will dance with them slow and as normal as I can get to be. They normally then get their freinds to come and ask me to dance with them.

As everyone else says, don;t take it personally. you can bet that unless you are a fish monger and have'nt showered since finnishing work, that the only reason you have been turned down is because of the other dancers over inflated ego, or they just don't feel they are up to the job of dancing with you.:my hero:

[angelique]

Am I smiling now?

:confused: :confused: :confused:

Dunno. What am I? Psychic?

C'mon, give us a clue...I use a computer to write on here and I don't usually get to "see" other people on here that are posting. Hold on...let me hunt out Derek Acorah's mobile number...he may be of some use :rofl:

[Green-eyed Monsta]

I would think i was second best if you asked me directly after being refused! :what:
I think you are better to ask a lady that hasn't seen the refusal, I've been in this situation and i felt like i was the 'fat friend' being asked cos the guy couldn't get the gorgeous blonde.
Maybe i'm too sensitive but that's how i felt.

So if a man gets refused by the woman next to you, you'd feel better if he totally ignored you and walked away? :what:

I know what you mean about feeling like the 'fat friend' but if you see two girls or guys standing together you can only dance with one at a time....unless you're Trampy.

[Lory]

So if a man gets refused by the woman next to you, you'd feel better if he totally ignored you and walked away? :what:


I think its always slightly humiliating for the poor person who gets turned down, so, I think it would be nice, not to wait to be second choice but quickly chirp up and say "Hey, will I do?" :flower:

I dunno how I'd feel if he said no though :what: :sick:

[Andy McGregor]

I would think i was second best if you asked me directly after being refused! :what:
I think you are better to ask a lady that hasn't seen the refusal, I've been in this situation and i felt like i was the 'fat friend' being asked cos the guy couldn't get the gorgeous blonde.
Maybe i'm too sensitive but that's how i felt.
Ahh, but I ALWAYS ask the fat friend first. When I was single I can remember being the less attractive friend :tears:

And there's a certain irony in saying "sorry you seem like you're second choice" to the "gorgeous blonde":whistle:

I've never had a problem with this, and the rsponse from my "second choice" has always been laughter or sympathy - occasionallly, at the end of the dance they've even made a commet about the other woman missing a great dance. And, more importantly, I've never been refused a dance by this "second choice".

[SuzyQ]

I've been turned down countless times mainly by fairly average dancers who think they are amazing.

In contrast, some of the best dancers in the world dance their way around the room making sure that everyone gets a lovely dance with them. Ryan Francois is a good example of this - he dances with everyone, is always polite and always encouraging.

If a guy is clearly exhausted or needing to change or drink some water - I totally understand! I even understand if they want to dance a particular track with someone special. But .. it takes little intelligence and effort to be able to find the person you've turned down and dance with her later on ... to make it all OK!

If I get turned down twice I keep clear for my own sanity.

It can be hard for a non-pushy woman to get dances ... so to ask nicely and then get turned down is horrid.

As Courtney Love said on Jonathan Ross last night - "Manners are free" - some people could do with keeping that in mind!

[Cruella]

Ahh, but I ALWAYS ask the fat friend first.
Now i don't ever want you to ask me unless you've been refused first.:wink:

I've never been refused a dance by this "second choice"
Us girls are good with the sympathy. :na:

[Daydreaming Diva]

I think its always slightly humiliating for the poor person who gets turned down, so, I think it would be nice, not to wait to be second choice but quickly chirp up and say "Hey, will I do?" :flower:

I dunno how I'd feel if he said no though :what: :sick:

Haven't figured out how to use a double quote yet. But I wanted to refer to the post about being second choice to the blond beside you. Can't remember whose post it was. :blush:

On a few occasions I have asked a guy to dance when he has been standing with another guy - now which one to ask if you haven't danced with either before. It is strange, but I often pick the one that, going on looks alone, I would least prefer to dance with. I just don't know why I do that :confused: So it could be that guys might do this too. Perhaps it's not the gorgeous blonde that they really wanted to dance with at all. :wink: :wink:

[Lory]

Haven't figured out how to use a double quote yet.

Simple, just click the button to the right of the 'quote' button, on each of the posts you wish to quote, then simply click the 'reply' button as usual and all the quotes will be there for you :)

[Andy McGregor]

Now i don't ever want you to ask me unless you've been refused first.:wink: There are some nights, not many :tears:, where I don't get refused at all. Do I have to wait for you to ask me on those nights? My plan is always to ask the "gorgeous blonde" after the fat girl. So I'll just ask you after I've danced with the Tramp :whistle:

[SuzyQ]

Had a fabulous night at Hammersmith last night - no refusals at all - woooo hoooo ...:grin:

I did however go and chat to Silver Fox but decided not to ask him to dance because I didn't want to break my 100% refusal-less record!:wink:

[Blueshoes]

It's a fact of life that people, both men and ladies, refuse dances for good (and sometimes maybe not so good) reasons. And we all need to get a drink or go to the loo or change our shirt/blouse or staunch the blood from our raw and blistered feet from time to time. For me, as long as it's said nicely or explained well there is no offence and I'll move happily on to be refused by the next individual.

But there are those people who refuse dances RUDELY :eek:. It's about time we decided what to do about these people.

I've been giving serious thought to starting a vigilante group. The main aims would be to pin the offender against the wall (preferably by the neck) and explain in no uncertain terms how they had hurt a fellow dancers feelings. Then remove a finger or two (for a first offence).

I had also thought about the old horses head in the bed routine but don't happen to know any horses. Even if I did they probably wouldn't be too cooperative anyway.

Any other ideas to make the dance halls of our land safe again?

[fletch]

No-one has a right to expect people to agree to dance with them.


Is it unreasonable to ask why :confused:

when Foxy said he didn't want to dance with me he told me why, I respect him for that, its up to me to change whatever it is if I really want to dance with this person in the future.:respect:

On the other hand when 'Barry the Refuser' said no and I asked why the reasons were complete nonsense and to be honest and insult to my intelligence :mad:

I don't say no very often but if I was asked why I would be honest :flower:




.

[MartinHarper]

Is it unreasonable to ask why :confused:

If you ask you have to be prepared to be answered, and you have to be prepared to not be answered. If so, ask away.

[fletch]

and you have to be prepared to not be answered. If so, ask away.

why :confused:

[littlewiggle]

I asked a forumite to dance and wanted to quickly change my mind when I discovered he had just finished eating a bag of cheese and onion crisps.....how gross in a dancing situation!

[frodo]

But recently I've been told the following:

I'd prefer to dance this track with someone I like. :sad:
I think you just use me for dancing... :confused:
No. (no apology, no explanation, nothing) :tears:


Second sounds like a joke (but is pretty damn' bizarre if it isn't)...
I don't think the second is bizarre comment at all (in general; I suspect, based on other comments it may be bizarre knowing SnowWhite).


A dance is seldom "just a dance". Dancing with a robot it would be "just a dance".

It is also a social interaction which hopefully both participants get something (frequently different things) out of.


If I might as well be an (equally skilled) robot, given the amount of human interaction - the lady is almost entirely wrapped up in herself.
I don't think it is bizarre to term that "just using me for dancing".


Over time there have been a small number of ladies, that if a) I was in the habit of rejecting dances, and b) gave a truthful reason, that would be it.


Of course being a robot substitute, I might still get something out of the dance, despite the lack of social interaction - I might just want to sit out to that particular track, or I might want to practice some moves - so just using me for dancing might be OK. But not always.

I don't see it as that different from a lady (quite reasonably) saying "You just use me to practice moves".

[killingtime]

A dance is seldom "just a dance". Dancing with a robot it would be "just a dance".

I don't know... if that robot could transform into something, say a car, then it could be a lift home too :D.

[Shodan]

Theres only one person I've turned down lots. You see, I'm a young guy and ages ago I used to get stalked by this old lady that obviously fancied a bit of me.
She kept asking me to dance and acted a bit like she wanted me. Always following me round the dance floor keeping an eye on where I was.

I didnt notice for a few weeks and was happy to dance with her as its rude to refuse. But then I noticed.

The other fact was I didnt like dancing with her anyways as she was rubbish and over the weeks / months of dancing made no improvement. She used to tear at my arms and didn't "power" her own bodyweight etc so it was a horrid dance and my arms hurt.

She soon got the hint and stopped coming to jive about a month later.

I dont feel guilty for my crimes of refusing her dance requests in the end - fact is she was stalking me and she hurt me during the dances.

There is currently no-one on my "non-dance list". But serial offenders do get struck off - but dont worry, you have to be a serious stalker / weirdo / dangerous person to dance with for me to refuse ya. :nice:

[straycat]

Theres only one person I've turned down lots. You see, I'm a young guy and ages ago I used to get stalked by this old lady that obviously fancied a bit of me.

Which bit? :innocent:

[Shodan]

Which bit? :innocent:
All I think. :eek: *insert puking up smilie* <insert puking="" up="" smilie=""></insert>

[jivecat]

I used to get stalked by this old lady that obviously fancied a bit of me.


(Hastily checks Shodan's location) Phew!

[Lee Bartholomew]

Theres only one person I've turned down lots. You see, I'm a young guy and ages ago I used to get stalked by this old lady that obviously fancied a bit of me.
She kept asking me to dance and acted a bit like she wanted me. Always following me round the dance floor keeping an eye on where I was.

I didnt notice for a few weeks and was happy to dance with her as its rude to refuse. But then I noticed.

The other fact was I didnt like dancing with her anyways as she was rubbish and over the weeks / months of dancing made no improvement. She used to tear at my arms and didn't "power" her own bodyweight etc so it was a horrid dance and my arms hurt.

She soon got the hint and stopped coming to jive about a month later.

I dont feel guilty for my crimes of refusing her dance requests in the end - fact is she was stalking me and she hurt me during the dances.

There is currently no-one on my "non-dance list". But serial offenders do get struck off - but dont worry, you have to be a serious stalker / weirdo / dangerous person to dance with for me to refuse ya. :nice:

Same thing happens to me with the old ladies.

Whys it always the old ladies that stalk the young men. Why is it never the young hot girls?

[Double Trouble]

I asked a forumite to dance and wanted to quickly change my mind when I discovered he had just finished eating a bag of cheese and onion crisps.....how gross in a dancing situation!

there's a bloke at Cheshunt who does that. Why? and Why cheese and onion, ***. Nasty.:drool:

[Lee Bartholomew]

there's a bloke at Cheshunt who does that. Why? and Why cheese and onion, ***. Nasty.:drool:

To be fair to him, there is a few times I have used a venues vending machine and not thought about my choice of snack ( think nik naks) always carry a packet of polos !!!!

[jivecat]

Whys it always the old ladies that stalk the young men. Why is it never the young hot girls?

They're probably too busy trying to escape from the horny old grandads.:rolleyes:

[Double Trouble]

To be fair to him, there is a few times I have used a venues vending machine and not thought about my choice of snack ( think nik naks) always carry a packet of polos !!!!

Nik Naks? No wonder it's only the old girls who ask you to dance. They probably prefer the smell of your nice and spicy to Blue rinse and p1ss :rofl:

[bigdjiver]

there's a bloke at Cheshunt who does that. Why? and Why cheese and onion, ***. Nasty.:drool:I sometimes strat to feel a bit fragile towards the end of a long active freestyle. I reckon that Ihave been loosing salt through perspiration and sugar through activity. Drinking lots of water also upsets the osmotic balance.I will sometimes snack a choccy bar for the sugar, and a packet of crisps for the salt. I do, however, carry foldaway toothbrush and do my best to remove the evidence before returning to the dancefloor.

[Double Trouble]

I sometimes strat to feel a bit fragile towards the end of a long active freestyle. I reckon that Ihave been loosing salt through perspiration and sugar through activity. Drinking lots of water also upsets the osmotic balance.I will sometimes snack a choccy bar for the sugar, and a packet of crisps for the salt. I do, however, carry foldaway toothbrush and do my best to remove the evidence before returning to the dancefloor.

Fair enough, but, cheese and onion? This bloke just chucks the wrapper on the table and gets up and starts dancing again....no hand wash...no mint or drink. Needless to say, ever since I noticed this behaviour, I have refused every dance. it's just not acceptable.

[Double Trouble]

Fair enough, but, cheese and onion? This bloke just chucks the wrapper on the table and gets up and starts dancing again....no hand wash...no mint or drink. Needless to say, ever since I noticed this behaviour, I have refused every dance. it's just not acceptable.

Oh and by the way...don't even get me started on smokers with their breath and smelly hands.

[ShinyWeeStar]

Fair enough, but, cheese and onion? This bloke just chucks the wrapper on the table and gets up and starts dancing again....no hand wash...no mint or drink. Needless to say, ever since I noticed this behaviour, I have refused every dance. it's just not acceptable.
Just curious... have you explained to this guy why you're refusing dances? If he doesn't know he's losing dances because of his cheesy crisp eating habits, he's less likely to consider changing them.

[Lee Bartholomew]

Oh and by the way...don't even get me started on smokers with their breath and smelly hands.

Too true.

I sometime go to a night club thats part of a kebab shop (bizzare I know but it's the only club open after 2am on a monday!!!! ) The amount of times I have been asked by girls to dance just after they have finnished eating a kebab and downing a bottle or two of alchopops!!!!!

Thank goodness they don't sell food at most MJ venues !!!!

[Double Trouble]

Just curious... have you explained to this guy why you're refusing dances? If he doesn't know he's losing dances because of his cheesy crisp eating habits, he's less likely to consider changing them.

Hello Shiny wee star. I know you don't know me so I understand why you would ask that question.

The answer is too frickin right I spoke to him about it. When he asked me I said I would dance with him when he washed his hands and cleaned his teeth as I didn't want to have grease all over me and smell of cheese and onion crisps like him.

He just shrugged his shoulders and found some other unfortunate victim with less balls than me to get grease all over. He still eats crisps & doesn't wash his hands.

Trust me, if someone needs telling...I'll do it. Some appreciate your honesty, some couldn't give a toss (like Mr Onion Breath)

[bigdjiver]

Just curious... have you explained to this guy why you're refusing dances? If he doesn't know he's losing dances because of his cheesy crisp eating habits, he's less likely to consider changing them.If you talk to someone who has just been eating crisps they are likely to talk back ...:eek:

[Lee Bartholomew]

Hello Shiny wee star. I know you don't know me so I understand why you would ask that question.

The answer is too frickin right I spoke to him about it. When he asked me I said I would dance with him when he washed his hands and cleaned his teeth as I didn't want to have grease all over me and smell of cheese and onion crisps like him.

He just shrugged his shoulders and found some other unfortunate victim with less balls than me to get grease all over. He still eats crisps & doesn't wash his hands.

Trust me, if someone needs telling...I'll do it. Some appreciate your honesty, some couldn't give a toss (like Mr Onion Breath)

you think he's bad we used to have a fishmonger and fishmistress (if thats the right word) come to an event. Don't think they showered afterwork. Not plesant.

The hall filled with the smell. Got to the point the instructor pulled them to one side one day and had a word. They never came back :confused:

[David Bailey]

{ useful tip }
Ah-ha! :whistle:

[ShinyWeeStar]

The answer is too frickin right I spoke to him about it.

He just shrugged his shoulders and found some other unfortunate victim with less balls than me to get grease all over. He still eats crisps & doesn't wash his hands.

Trust me, if someone needs telling...I'll do it.
Fair enough then!:rofl: :respect:

[Double Trouble]

you think he's bad we used to have a fishmonger and fishmistress (if thats the right word) come to an event. Don't think they showered afterwork. Not plesant.

The hall filled with the smell. Got to the point the instructor pulled them to one side one day and had a word. They never came back :confused:

Now this is different. They can't help stinking of fish (hang on.....can't type, laughing too much....gotta get a tissue to dry my eyes)

Perhaps the instructor should have suggested some kind of fixed partner thing for them & given them a can of fabreeze for xmas.:rofl:

[Lee Bartholomew]

Now this is different. They can't help stinking of fish (hang on.....can't type, laughing too much....gotta get a tissue to dry my eyes)

Perhaps the instructor should have suggested some kind of fixed partner thing for them & given them a can of fabreeze for xmas.:rofl:

Maybe we should have got you to tell them.

God they stank. To the point you would sometimes give the venue a miss.

The only thing they could have done worse is turn up in their dirty fishmonger aprons.

[Double Trouble]

Maybe we should have got you to tell them.

God they stank. To the point you would sometimes give the venue a miss.

The only thing they could have done worse is turn up in their dirty fishmonger aprons.

What about if they turned up in [B]only[B] their dirty fishmonger aprons?

[Double Trouble]

What about if they turned up in [B]only[B] their dirty fishmonger aprons?

Why did my bold not work on 'only'? Am I doing it wrong?

[Lee Bartholomew]

Why did my bold not work on 'only'? Am I doing it wrong?

Yes you are :grin:

[Lee Bartholomew]

What about if they turned up in [b]only[b] their dirty fishmonger aprons?

You would wonder if it was ther aprons that smelt of fish or......

[Double Trouble]

Yes you are :grin:

Thanks for your input.:rofl:

[Double Trouble]

You would wonder if it was ther aprons that smelt of fish or......

Now, you see.....I thought of writing something along those lines but you do realise you are breaking at lease 5 of the forum rules that Frakzxxq put in to place, don't you?:D

[Lee Bartholomew]

Thanks for your input.:rofl:

no worries

[David Bailey]

Why did my bold not work on 'only'? Am I doing it wrong?
You need a [/b] tag to close off the bold - each "start" tag has a "closing" tag of that form, i.e. with a "/".

Hope that helps.

P.S. Note the clever way I've displayed that tag, oh fellow geeks? :smug icon:

[Double Trouble]

no worries

:rofl: love it.

[Double Trouble]

You need a [/b] tag to close off the bold - each "start" tag has a "closing" tag of that form, i.e. with a "/".

Hope that helps.

P.S. Note the clever way I've displayed that tag, oh fellow geeks? :smug icon:

I'm sorry....I can't read chinese.:D

[David Bailey]

I'm sorry....I can't read chinese.:D
Hey, I provided the explanation.

I never guaranteed understanding, that costs much more.

[Juju]

The answer is too frickin right I spoke to him about it.... Trust me, if someone needs telling...I'll do it. Some appreciate your honesty, some couldn't give a toss (like Mr Onion Breath)

Scorpio. :whistle:

[Double Trouble]

Scorpio. :whistle:

Too frickin right:D

[David Bailey]

Too frickin right:D

:rolleyes:

[Juju]

:rolleyes:

Ha! An unbeliever! Unleash the hounds!

:na:

[David Bailey]

Ha! An unbeliever! Unleash the hounds!

:na:
You're going to provoke me with a wristband comment next, aren't you?

[Juju]

You're going to provoke me with a wristband comment next, aren't you?

As Moderator without Fear, I feel that it would be inappropriate for you to allow yourself to be provoked when you really should be setting an example to the rest of us plebs. :na:

Besides which, I think astrological wristbands for forumites is a simply cracking idea. :D

[David Bailey]

As Moderator without Fear, I feel that it would be inappropriate for you to allow yourself to be provoked when you really should be setting an example to the rest of us plebs. :na:

Besides which, I think astrological wristbands for forumites is a simply cracking idea. :D
:rofl: :worthy:

[Tessalicious]

Besides which, I think astrological wristbands for forumites is a simply cracking idea. :DFantastic! That way, you'd know who you should be dancing with (compatible start signs) and who you really shouldn't, just by a glance at their wrist. No longer any need to sit in Refusal Row sizing the men up (so to speak) for the quality of their dancing skizills, you just need to dance with everyone who is also a Water sign (etc).

Just so I know before I sign up, which sign is the one for yankers again? Might have to make sure I change my star sign to avoid the wrong matches...

[Gav]

Just so I know before I sign up, which sign is the one for yankers again?

Is that a typo? :devil:

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Shodan]

(Hastily checks Shodan's location) Phew!
Don't understand. :confused:

[Clueless]

think its best not to ask :whistle: lol